Ah, Lucinda called me twice in the morning, waking me up both times, thank you! AHHHHH It’s Saturday… The sacred day for sleep… so WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!!! Ok, I know, I know she’s sad about the boy who died… Heck, that made me sad too… I knew him. But God has some strange ways… Everything that happens is for the better.

Yesterday had the pleasure to meet the Angy Vindictive one. He made me laugh a lot. Way cool. :P

Now, someone said I might be wasting my youth… Wasted Youth?

Wasted youth! Wasted youth!
I remember everything!
I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday
I was barely seventeen, and I once killed a boy with a Fender guitar
I don't remember if it was a telecaster or a stradacaster
But I do remember that it had a heart of chrome and a voice like a horny angel
I don't remember if it was a telecaster or a stradacaster
But I do remember that it wasn't at all easy
It required the perfect combination of the right power chords
And the precise angle from which to strike!
The guitar bled for about a week afterward
and the blood was sough dark and rich, like wild berries
The blood of the guitar was Chuck Berry red
The guitar bled for about a week afterward, but it rung out beautifully
And I was able to play notes that I had never even heard before
So I took my guitar, and I smashed it against the wall
I smashed it against the floor
I smashed it against the body of a varsity cheerleader
Smashed it against the hood of a car
Smashed it against a 1981 Harley Davidson
The Harley howled in pain, the guitar howled in heat
And I ran up the stairs to my parents' bedroom
Mummy and daddy were sleeping in the moonlight
Slowly I opened the door, creeping in the shadows
Right up to the foot of their bed
I raised the guitar high above my head
And just as I was about to bring the guitar crashing down
Upon the center of the bed, my father woke up, screaming "Stop!"
"Wait a minute! Stop it boy! What do ya think you're doin'?
That's no way to treat an expensive musical instrument!"
And I said: "God dammit daddy!
You know I love you But you got a hell of a lot to learn about rock 'n roll"

Hmmm… On the issue of wasted youth… Here's an old song that sums up my feelings about it… by Meatloaf, too…

It's all or nothing
and nothing's all I ever get
everytime I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
It's always something
there's always something going wrong
that's the only guarantee
that's what this is all about
It's a never ending attack
everything's a lie and that's a fact
life is a lemon and I want my money back!
And all the morons
and all the stooges with their coins
they're the ones who make the rules
it's not a game--it's just a rout
There's desperation
there's desperation in the air
it leaves a stain on all your clothes
and no detergent gets it out
And we're always slipping through the cracks
then the movie's over--fade to black
life is a lemon and I want my money back!
I want my money back
I want my money back
What about love?
It's defective!
It's always breaking in half
What about sex?
It's defective!
It's never built to really last
What about family?
It's defective!
All the batteries are shot
What about friends?
They're defective!
All the parts are out of stock
What about hope?
It's defective!
It's corroded and decayed
What about faith?
It's defective!
It's tattered and it's frayed
What about your gods?
They're defective!
They forgot the warranty
What about your town?
It's defective!
It's a dead end street to me
What about your school?
It's defective!
It's a pack of useless lies
What about your work?
It's defective!
It's a crock and then you die
What about your childhood?
It's defective!
It's dead and buried in the past
What about your future?
It's defective!
And you can shove it up your ass!
I want my money back
I want my money back
It's all or nothing
and nothing's all I ever get
everytime I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
It's a never ending attack
everything's a lie and that's a fact
life is a lemon and I want my money back!
And we're always slipping through the cracks
then the movie's over--fade to black
life is a lemon and I want my money back!
-Meatloaf: Life is a Lemon

Ah, old Meatloaf never fails to bring words to my mouth when I cannot express them the proper way! Actually, he is one of my favorites… The drama, the energy, the show, the truth… So… Wasted youth? The reply to that: Everything louder than anything else. I do so, I do so in so many ways in so many things I do in life… You know what they say: "Life's a virgin, if it were a bitch it would be easy." :D I do love. I love everything I am, everything I was, and everything I will be. Yes, I am in love with myself first, second and third. And from that comes the never-ending loving that I feel for those who have entered the pits inside my heart, a stronghold that has only one gate and no windows… Most people doubt I have a heart, but, alas, I could only wish I didn't so I would be logical and linear in my thoughts… Then I would be completely boring, though…

My friends, who belong to a very, VERY almost exclusive clan, know I would give my life for them. They call me the Paladin, because I fight for lost causes when everyone else looses hope. They call me Paladin because I am so stubborn in my righteousness, and I do admit that stubbornness may be my Achilles' heel… But it does come forth as an inspiration to their lives. My stubbornness and mad lawful-goodness have guided their paths and changed them for the better. That is enough reason for me to fight battles alone, for them. As I do this, I do for myself. All involves love, giving without expecting anything back… Giving for the sake of it… For the look of surprise or the smile or the tear or even the rage if I am not understood… So… I do love and give and enjoy life as the Paladin I am, as the goddess that is unreachable but that stands there at your side… as the truest friend you will ever meet through good and bad times. Wasting youth? I don't think so. Every second I think of the past is not lost, as it fuels inspiration and dreams. Some dreams can never be, but they are beautiful to watch. And inspiration is the food for action.

What is youth to the immortal? I have all the time to do what I want and to give all I can… At 80 years old I will be the same brat with weird-looking hair, and vampiric addictions… And I will be young, and smile at all the memories that I created for those I loved, friends and even strangers. So… wasting youth I relate to drinking, smoking, killing, drug using or dealing… That's not constructive, that's wasting. Now, looking for depth of emotions is NOT wasting youth. And I do look for that, even for simple friendship. I am emotions. I am not logical. I need the TRUE INSPIRATION to send a card, to make a call, to visit and even to just eat... and that is on simple friendship. Imagine more…Depth, ties that bind forever, insight, learning, truth, and trust… Closeness is not a physical thing, but an emotional state that you can achieve with true friends and that challenges all the tests of time. That is what I always want. That is what I always aim for. That is why I get so many disappointments in life… But the few achievements are enough to make me go on, against any odds… even if they do remain as memories.

Ah, see? I can be very emotional and also really angered sometimes… But this is something worth writing. I see I have changed much of my ways, but my core will always remain intact… and that gives me pride.

Now quoting the other godess in my life, Madonna:
"Nothing really matters
Love is what we need
Everything I give you
All come back to me"