COLLAPSE

2018 comes to an end... This year began with changes, drastic changes that have been very difficult to overcome. This is the year where I lost a very special person that left a big empty space in my life.

Ringing in the new year had its difficulties, as I started a new role in my Disney journey. I just finished training and peak season had started... I barely got to celebrate my 11th wedding anniversary in February... My best friend ended up in the hospital like so many times... like the previous year... but this time there was no comeback. End of February I almost lost my job as I simply could not handle it... any of it... All I had in my head was death. The death of my first born... and now the death of my best friend, counselor and brother.

Dark times of being lost at sea... Days turned into weeks... Weeks turned into months. And here we are... At year's end.

I'm still a mess. I lost the only person to whom I would talk daily, anytime, various times in the day... He could finish every sentence I started... He would cheer for me, advise, be silly, give me courage, anger me, defy me... I could be me, without fear or restraints, and he liked me anyway. A friendship of almost 30 years. Fights, conflict, drama, adventure... but always a loyalty and bond unbreakable, raw, true.

He did as much for me as I did for him. To the end. Crazy respect, even if we were so different it all ended with a sip of coffee and comforting silence. The witch and her demon. Against all.

I still can't bear the thought of erasing his number, even if I know no one will answer... It is so hard being up at 2am and having no one to call to talk just because... Gaming, aliens, Spelljammer, horror, figures, Star Wars, Dee Dee, Kali, work, school... Why I love Repo! Why I love Maulin Rouge and Big Fish... Why it's so eerie that the movie Max and Mary always left me in tears because it was definitively us... and like us, in the end he died.

All the time I wasted in him, he wasted in me. He always made time for me, I was always important. Even when mad he would call and say nothing... but was there. My friend through thick and thin. My friend even when we were a couple and it did not work and I cancelled our wedding. My friend even when everyone advised him to stay away from me, that he had nothing to get from me... as well as I got that same advice ironically from the same people... My friend cheering me on to take a chance in life, being there when I married, being there when Deedee was born, being there when Deedee got sick... being there through the SMA journey, a train that took me far and away and changed life at so many levels... My friend when Deedee died. My friend when we were homeless. Always making me see things were not so bad... that there was always hope. He soothed my spirit.

2018 took the magical cane thast kept me walking straight... made me hit the floor, made me weak... made me despair, made me grieve, made me wish for release and peace...

I don't know how I made it through all these months. The blow to my heart overwhelmed me. Half of my heart was already in Heaven, and that old wound reopened so... Missing my Deedee and now being lost at sea with no compass.

Christmas has been dry... I've tried my best to be festive for Kali, so our little family has memories and keep tradittions alive... but it's hard... Dead inside, how to feel?  I do count my blessings. I have Mark and I have Kali and we are always united against the world...

I'm just sad, hopelessly... endlessly... I thought I still had a friend, but he chose to run away from me... No explanations. Foolishly enough I kept hopes for a phone call that never happens... Even if elves are especially arrogant... But deep inside I know he's done with me. I'm not enough. I don't fit in his life anymore. Why drag a living ghost?

I'm deeply sad for I realize I have no friends. Promises of being there because of endless bonds meant nothing. Raven and Coriolis and my Teacher... How much I love you three... How important you are for me... And how you've pushed me from your lives... I don't understand why. But life goes on without need for reasons... And we all become perfect childhood memories, sucky adult choices.

I wish you all the best. I truly do. And I will always wait for that phone call... You were my choices, my best friends. My promise was forever. You are responsible for what you tame. Through life, always Raven, Coriolis, Groundel, and my Teacher. My top four. My only forever choices. For them, I'm just a ghost.

I'm not complaining... just writing as I have no one to tell... Zordak has listened so many times but there's nothing else to do...

Maria, the only rock standing in PR, quiet but always there when needed. True friend, has gone beyond her godmother duties and we appreciate her dearly. Maria, the only one left for us... back home... The only one who didn't run from truth.

Still, I would not bother her at 2am for nonsense...

How much I miss you, Sti...

FRACTURES

I have been through shadow and storms, yet keeping high hopes on those that must be kept... So much, so little... I was happy just knowing that the few chosen were indeed that... chosen... and I had no doubts at all that my chosen would face anything for me as I would for them. And then came the Times of Trouble. And the Grand Conjunction. And Death Unchained.

What is the Epilogue of the book?

All is about irony, truth, faith, love, courage, honor, loyalty. Sweet dreams are made of these... Through life and unlife four pillars surround the pyre within my core: Raven, Coriolis, Groundel, Zordak. My pillars... from an ancient time of kings and legends, to the melting apocalyptic zenith of walls, intolerance, vanity, selfishness and regression of the modern ages... My pillars rise and faced starless nights, dark suns, dragon raids... Time has not passed in vain. Time has granted creases and weariness and shapelessness to my ancient wonders. Changes have been imminent, changes some for the better, some still big mysteries...

I'll never understand why it is so easy to choose ignoring, carelessly dismissing something that has been an ongoing story of so many years through thick and thin. What did not kill should have made us strong. What constantly worked against us should have melded our souls in an unbreakable bond weaved in higher ground. Watching our backs, sharing all details, both useless and great...

I'm sad that I've placed in such high places these chosen ones, but somehow they failed to see or believe or feel my sincere will for being there no matter what... because that's what friends are for in good times and bad times... And impossible times.

Zordak married the Witch, and all Hell broke. It simply broke. I still don't understand why. I am hopelessly clueless about it. But my sincere ignorance has never been enough for explanations, or for actions that at least allows some Hakuna Matata.

Raven chose silence, silence everlasting. She retreated into shadow just because... I'll never know why... What I did... Of all people I was so transparent and so happy to just help her life be better... Everlasting silence, even with Groundel's death.

Coriolis... The knight of solamnia, the lawfully evil, the seeker of the beyond... I still don't get answers, or thoughts, or lightning bolts. Worst than that, I've become forgotten, not important enough to acknowledge in any way. Rattling swiftly while poised into self awareness... Where was the wrong turn? Why? I did not lie, I made no demands... I lurked in shadows until summoned... I respected so much my equal, my constant challenger. My counselor and diary. And then it was... silence.

Groundel... Perfectly imperfect ugly Groundel, raw and chaotic. And in his chaos his voice never stopped singing the song of endurance, of not giving up, of living for what is important. No matter what, imperfect Groundel always found a way to let me know my worth, to make me smile through trials, to believe in what is beyond the stars. Imperfect Groundel seeked by many taking advantage of him, shunned by others deeming him worthless... yet he was the one with many reasons to retreat in silence yet he chose to be there, always, good and bad. He was raw. He was real. He faced the worst in me And did not retreat. And now he's dead. A different kind of silence... not by choice.

I spent so many years of my youth defending, giving, helping, listening, solving... for those I believed were the special ones that I would keep forever in my life. I went through so many lengths that now, as I look back, makes me feel so sad about me. I did not ask for anything, but I did give all. With so much fire, I sincerely believed that my pillars were my forever family, my pack. I needed nothing else to be happy. How hard is it for me to rip them off my life... yet how easily they ripped me from theirs... How hard is not sending daily/hourly messages yet how easily they let months pass by without saying one word. How I kill myself to keep my promises, and how much disregard they have for my time, my feelings, heck... My life...

The saddest realization is knowing that those you love, admire, believe in, care for, wish for, beyond sanity are exactly the ones that constantly spurn you and who believe their lives are better without little invisible inconsequential me. And Why? The world will never know. I will never know...

I've had 3 big earthquakes that have changed everything. Deedee's death at the top of the list, my best friend Groundels death, and the internalization that I also lost my second best friend this year... his choice as a side casualty of his quest to find his holy grail. He said he would call... 3 months ago. Maybe someday... Not holding my breath...

Wasted years. Wasted time. Wasted belief. Done with this world of lies and deceit, where the honest and true are scorned and stepped all over yet evil triumphs constantly. So done.

GRIMMOIRE

Sad... beyond angry... beyond any feeling whatsoever. The impact, scale and ripples of one single event has no words. Life goes on... but on in an automated way. How to see the colors when now theres not even shades of grey... How I miss you, Sti... Not like Dee but similar in the outcome of blinding grief that no one understands. We shared a bond stronger than friendship or love. I never envision a sudden departure like this... We were supposed to grow old, to complete more D&D missions, to drink coffee with bread in silence listening to the 80s. Now that era has ended. I am alone. I am alone in matters of same line of thought, challenging interests. Sharing jokes only we could understand. The college sci fi brat interested in dungeons and aliens and dragons and cats and paintings phased away as the salt bullet of real life dispelled her. And now, all the questions will remain a mystery, all endings will be unknown... And in a year all of those who swore to keep his spirit and memory alive probably wont... Just like Dee Dee, only a very few fellow knights in armor will keep the quest of keeping the light of what was their lives among mortal lore. The times of the ogre will only be remembered by very few who understood the riddle of fire...

How I feel? I feel I don' feel as all the feeling imploded and took on the force of a hurricane. Empty. Silent sigil. Quiet end. I'm forced to move on, because bills don' wait. I'm forced to be a slave of the machine of progress, with no time to even paint or scrap. I'm tired in spirit and soul... And I go on... And I keep doing... but the tiredness is overwhelming. No wait, no stop, tic tic tic toc...

Focusing on healing the unbearable.
Focusing on mending the shattered.
Focusing on finding the shining... in the darkness.

New chapter on this grimoire... A life, in life, in living shall scorn. Oblivion of so many roads... Tired, empty... but pressed on... One child to make it all make sense? No. One child to focus on... So days turn to weeks, then to months, then to years... So one good day the mighty reaper will ask for a toll and I will really be able to pay. Here I pay in blood, so you will finally take me to those I love the most, forever...

My Best Friend Died

My best friend died. Let those words sink into your thick skull. Not someone I casually knew. Not someone who would just like my posts. Not someone who would just smile at me at work but in reality know nothing of my life. Not so-called family that just mean well but has no depths of insight or understanding about what I want in life. My best friend died.

It's been years since I have actually updated my blogs or any online presence, because all I do is work. Work, work, work. I don't have lots of friends. I am very choosy, fickle and selective before I call someone like that. And then some. Life has shown me that no matter the years, people do not value childhood oaths. Yes, the Code of Thundera: Justice, Truth, Honor and Loyalty. and for whoever doesn't know:

It is the duty of the ThunderCats to uphold the code of Thundera.
1. Truth: To speak the truth at all times
2. Loyalty: To be loyal to family and friends
3. Honor: To honor and respect superiors
4. Justice: To strive to help others and fairness in all acts that are committed that is good

I was in 7th grade when I started collecting comics. The life lessons of the Xmen, The Justice League, GIJoe, Mazinger, Thundercats and Candy candy shaped my so called view of what is a friend, what is important in life (not quite what Conan said), and what it means to really live. The Code of Thundera for some reason had the right resonnance in my mind and in my heart. It sums up all rug of love. So it is my code. I had best friends, not knowing the deep meaning of what that implied... Well, more like they did not want to comply with the meaning of the code. Through the years, fickle whims made them all drift away. Of course I thought it was me, being that I was always blunt and hot headed and stubborn in my ways. No. Years later, I look back at who I was back in high school and college, and one thing is very certain: i was always true to myself. I loved without boundaries, and I was loyal beyond the end. People just could not handle truth. They handle anything but the truth. That has been my life lesson... good intentions but no willingness to handle the truth and live with honor, justice and loyalty.

Someone that you dare to call a friend should be someone who is there through the good, the bad and the ugly. There will be fights that mimic the wrath of the gods. But there will be adventure and conquest. There will be times of extreme darkness, then there will be moments where the ring that rules them all gets destroyed and dear old giant eagles save the hobbits. A friend will not let a petty quarrel or difference of opinion stray away years of caring and shared experiences. A friend will know when opinions are just wounded pride, and will come up to you, just give you a hug (or give you a small Totoro figurine without saying anything else) and let the story go on...

We all know many people. Not everyone deserves the high honor of being a friend. A friend is forever. 

I always come back to my favorite book, The Little Prince. You are responsible for what you have tamed. Forever. No matter what. Through hellfire and icy storms. Throughout the planes of existence. No matter what. Yes, the Code of Thundera is everywhere and is very real.

In 11th grade my life changed forever just because of a small detail that would be a high drive just for keeping a breath of life. It was then that I joined a group of adventurers and I learned the ropes of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, 2nd edition. The game that forged real life unions that went beyond fantasy and became epic realities. It was during those games that the most important people in my life came to me. There I met who would many, many, many years later (many as on 20 years later) would become my husband Mark. It was there where I met my twin soulmate Alex. And it was there that I met my partner in crime, my rock, my familiar... Steve. These three are the creme of the creme, the ones I would die for without flinching or thinking twice. They all follow the Code of Thundera. They all know who I am, and like it. They have known truth from my mouth, have been burned by it, they have known my naivete and endless hope... And they saw beauty on it. These three are my rocks. These three are my life. These three make me look forward to the unknown adventures that lay ahead. 

Steve. A kind soul wrapped up as a hulking nightmare. Sometimes his mind too blurred by anger and stubborness... I always viewed him as Hulk. Always battling his inner monster. Always showing the most unexpected kindness just because. Loved by cats and kids. Always searching for something... that he had all along. His illness took his bocy little by little, but not his soul. In spite of it all, he actually turned better. Instead of sulking, he chose to be his best and help everyone who needed help. Selfless, always putting himself, his inconveniences, his discomfort and his pains last. People and so called friends/acquaintances would keep hurting him with their lack of empathy or lack of presence or lack of real interest on him and his ordeals. Still, he would just shrug it off saying "It doesn't matter Vivian". I would be fighting him, why he would keep solving the problems or believing in people that constantly let him down. "It doesn't matter, I will help if I can.". 

Yes, in that he was better than me. I live by the motto that if someone is not with you, then to hell with him or her. But Steve... he was too much of a good soul, too loyal to give his back to all those ungrateful ones who took advantage of his good heart and willingness to give all he had in so many ways. I do acknowledge some real friends he had through life, most from Dulces Labios. Johnny, Milton and Feliu, those two stand as true friends to him. There are others I did not really get to meet or know well, and who helped him cope with life, and who made him smile a lot. Some of those I don't know in person were true to him through all his life. His supporting cast and family made his life bearable at least. Vangie and Angela were always his pillars. Unforgettable friends like Miguel and Luis always bring back good memories. Many people went out of their way to make him feel special and keep on with the show... Brenda and Kim come to mind.     

And then there are some... that make me beyond angry. Unlike some people claiming to be oh so hurt by his departure, and who found every excuse in the alphabet to stay away from him thanks to their little selfish interests, I was there. Ever since he came into my life I have been there not just with well intended thoughts but with actions and presence. I was there when his foot was amputated in Puerto Rico, a night doctors also thought he would not make it. I was there to hear his screams as his bandages for his amputation where changed daily for over two years. I was there to witness wonder and adventure as he would be our Spelljammer game master for so many years. 

He was there through my daughter's terminal illness and demise. He was her godfather, and he never forgot that duty that was actually his pleasure (a duty shared by godmother Maria, who also went above and beyond for my Deedee). Steve and Deedee shared a special connection... Perhaps it was the two kindred spirits living in pain 24/7, trapped by their illness and knowing mysteries unknown to us common folk... His love for Deedee endured through the years even after her departure... especially after it. She would visit him in dreams and let him know she was happy and fine and free of all pain... so he would let me know. Every night he would remind me that she was fine, and free, and waiting for all of us.

Being in Florida was a blessing in disguise because I could get to see him. Yes, my life is very busy. I work over 40 hours weekly, extra hours all around... And I have a 7 year old... And me and my husband have no one to help us with our little lives... But still, one day of the week was sacred. And we would go do the long drive and spend time with Steve. Was it easy? No. We are broke. And over worked. But guess what: That's what friends are for. Best times ever. Precious times.

Steve was my family. We went above and beyond for each other. Even when people expected us to stop being in each others life, after I cancelled our wedding, we persevered. Was it easy? No. But if i have wasted years and years and years on someone, and that someone has done the same, you just don't vanish as if nothing happened. You make it all work. No one knew his mind and his heart like I did. And no one knew me like him. And that's why we knew we could not be a couple, that was not our calling. We were joined to help each other face the world, to battle on in the arena, together. We were part of our own pack. People did not understand this... It is how we lived. Knowing we were never alone no matter the odds and the nonsense. There were many tales and many new tomes to be written... He was there in my wedding. Godfather of my beloved Deedee. Adopted godfather of Kali. His neutral alignment eased by lawfulness. He helped me cope with chaos. His simple ways were not simple at all. Each night Kali would ask for him, to have goodnigt and his blessing. And through hours of insomnia, he would make me fall asleep with the nonsense about aliens, as well as i would make him fall asleep with my nonsense from work. Every night. 

Last year Steve had his 1st heart attack. He was in a comma for almost a month. Then he was in a rehab facility for a few weeks. We were there. I was there. Many people promised to be there... not even passed by at any point through the year afterwards. That's why reading some very fake words make me so nauseous and angry. Don't dare to call him friend, or brother, if you were not really part of his life. Fucking internet messages, they mean nothing. Facetime, presence, a real hug, real time... that is what matters. That is what's precious. Yes, I am so angry... Undeserving people getting condolences for someone they ignored all the time. Cry me a river. Liars. Fake. You bring shame into what it means to actually stand by someone. 

And so... after that horror story that actually ended up well, the slow demise began. I started questioning the wisdom of so many prayers and so many wishes for him to be with us... His body deteriorated inside. The promise of a new kidney was just that, doctors would just not do that operation as they knew the diabetes was too advanced on him. Then in January his left eye had a problem that seemed to me like he had a mild stroke... He had to keep his eye closed, which caused him unbearable pain, and he could not move his eye. He started taking therapy for that... But then we saw he was loosing balance all the time... could not walk for long or keep himself standing. The last month he just would not want to get off his room... He would not even play Dungeons (which was his ultimate treat and life joy). Still, he would play with Kali and all his figures. He had the will and patience to do that. He always went all the way for Kali, just as he did with Deedee. 

This past week, of all weeks, I got very sick... and i could not go to see him as usual. It was not until night that I checked my phone and saw he had called various times throughout the afternoon. I thought "wow, he really wanted to see us, maybe he had prepared a game". But I had work the next day, and it was late, so went to sleep after speaking with him. He had no news, just excited about Sunday when he would go out with the whole family for a family gathering at the beach. "I have nothing new to say, I have done nothing but dialysis... but after the beach I'll have lots to talk about". 

Sunday, 6:00pm, I read a text message from his auntie Vangie saying he had a heart attack..He had no pulse and was not breathing. The emergency people resurrected him on the way to the hospital. We went to see him at ER. My heart sank. It's like... you know what is coming. I knew. We went on to see him on Monday as well. No change. 

Tuesday, he coded at 11:15. He passed. Then as they stopped working on him he had a faint pulse, faint heartbeat, but the ventilator was breathing for him. I got off work, picked up Kali and we got to the ICU. The doctor was running the last tests. No gag reflex, no movement in the eyes, no pupils dilating with light. Brain dead. The ventilator was off by 4:30pm. His body fought it until 5:20pm. My best friend is dead.

How do I feel? If someone asks that stupid question again I swear I will scream. Well... How do you think I feel? I lost my oldest daughter 5 years ago, and now I loose my other joy in life. I am crying rivers. I am shifting between anger, hate, love, compassion, understanding, acceptance and anger again. I feel my whole world shattered and I see no way of picking things up and constructing again... I am not able to do anything I wished I could do in his memory. So, yeah... Peachy. I feel a deep sting in my heart that is not leaving anytime soon. It is no ones fault. We did not have to speak to know what each other needed or wanted... And sadly we are surrounded by people that ignore all about that... And now it is just a half voice. We could scream and tell the longest tales in silence... Nevermore.

So... My best friend is dead. Again, the word friend is not an adornment, is not a casual adjective... as so many use it. He was there every night for almost 30 years, be it 8pm, or 10pm, or 2am... We had no time boundaries and would just call anytime... And we would meet as soon as possible, in person, in real life. And we would go eat, and we would go to Bell's or to Hobby Lobby, or to the kiddie park next to the river, or to Leoncito to have the best meals ever! And we would go back to sit around the table and play Spelljammer... And life was suddenly alright. Our priceless moments. Our priceless adventures. 

Well... Norris the Werebear died befor the Witch, but lived long enough to change her ways and outlook in life. 

LONG LIVE NORRIS! 

LONG LIVE GROUNDEL THE UGLY!             

LONG LIVE MY BEST FRIEND STEVE!

May you begin an endless campaign in Heaven, so Deedee can enjoy your imagination as much as we all have.

May you finally live forever in happiness and peace, but above all, knowing how much we all love you, how much I love you, and knowing from now on it is all about love. magic and dreams coming true.

See you soon. Y no jodas mas. Ok?