2005... Not so many important things happenned, but at least some did. Life is not so bad, although being alive and truly living are different things. That's the point I've been trying to get stamped into stubborn people's minds. I intend to live even if no one agrees with what I want. I am quick to try pleasing everyone's wishes, but genie wants some time for herself as well, time to pamper herself and do everything she always wanted to do besides saving the world from human stupidity and being the eternal paladin.
This year I made many balancing acts to get my dream house. Well, it is in the country side, it is far enough but close enough, it has a nice view towards the mountains in one side and towards the ocean in the back side, it has 2 floors, and it has plenty of ground so people at least stay away and I can complete my "ranch" dreams someday. The place is not new, and has plenty of work in progress... I wanted to move in right away but that cannot be. I have to fix many things and arrange many things to my taste and I know it's better to do it all before I move in because that way I am certain things will be done... The problem is that it will take longer than I expected because of the cash flow... but as a saying says "Don't run and don't stop, if you don't stop you will get there". It will end up a haven for my kitties, a haven for gaming and a place I can truly call home... Good things come to those who wait.
Things at work wont get better and didnt get worse. I want a career change that is very stuck because now I need a letter from my university that says that the courses I have are equivalent to a Human Resourses Master... I started my MBA when there was no specializations, so my MBA was a generic Management thing. I have both HR and Marketing courses, but people do not want to read and want to make lives miserable. I know how RUM works, and it is not likely that they will make the letter... I will try to get it, though... no battle worst than the one you didnt fight. And I am very good at the arts of war... hope that the outcome is at least encouraging.
Things at home aint worst than what they have always been. Since I started living at auntie's I returned to being 15 years old... Oh, I feel so young I can weep! It is a bit of an anoyance... sometimes a lot... but I guess it is not so bad after all. My kitties are happier than I thought they would be, and little by little I'm improving the house so at least something makes auntie happy.
Things in matters of love are shady, more than usual. I feel my heart has been surrounded with a thorned strand... No, it's not a sacred heart, but I guess I know how Jesus must have felt at humanity's cruel heartlessness. I still have no road to follow. I have lost belief in all kinds of words and expect only actions. So, actions it is... Try breathing life into a corpse. Lestat would be so proud!
Things inside of me are fine. I am in love with my brain, with my thoughts, with my spirit... I am the kid that grew up to discover that she is still the kid... only wiser... I will never stop looking for wonder, or flying kites in my dreams. The important things in life are invisible to the eyes. And once again The Little Prince strikes back, another year ever since I discovered him back in 9th grade... I visit him yearly ever since... And always a new lesson blooms. Hail The Little Prince!
I am grateful for the special people that surround me, namely Groundel, LightShadow, Lucinda, Joe, Coriolis, Auntie, Lulu, Zordak, El Calvo, and Trilogy. May the new year bring you bliss, peace and love.
In case I am not around the cyberworld, Happy New Year!!!
10-4
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
MERRY XMAS TO ALL! Even to old grouches who don’t believe on it ;)
Got nice gifts from family and friends, got a nice typical salty dinner courtesy of auntie, saw various movies:
Madagascar: Hilarious! Loved the penguins! Love the rodents! A bit too short for my taste, but cool anyway.
Frankenstein: An attempt for a mini-series that is another good idea with a bad execution. Too slow… and not complete… Don’t waste your time with this.
Sky High: Don’t miss Linda Carter saying she is no Wonder Woman… Right!
Fantastic Four: Though it would be completely useless, but no… McMahon as DrDoom was perfect. Although Sue didn’t look like Sue at all… same for Richards… it was ok. Surprised me… entertaining.
Small gathering on Friday night to go watch King Kong. Lucinda went with her hubby, and so they joines Lightshadow, Groundel and me. Small moment of fright as Ladymex passed by with her offspring… but she turned to avoid us. Finally she got the hint. Yay! Anyway… The evening had no casualties and was fun. Lucinda ended up crying a river, guess she didn’t heard that the monkey died… Oh, well… ;)
Coriolis bored, leaving singing messages in my home phone… Oh, boy… Well, we’ll see if he really passes by on Monday. I am so tired of promises… Then again, he didn’t promise… Oh, I am soooo foolish!
Well… Keep on tuned…
10-4
Got nice gifts from family and friends, got a nice typical salty dinner courtesy of auntie, saw various movies:
Madagascar: Hilarious! Loved the penguins! Love the rodents! A bit too short for my taste, but cool anyway.
Frankenstein: An attempt for a mini-series that is another good idea with a bad execution. Too slow… and not complete… Don’t waste your time with this.
Sky High: Don’t miss Linda Carter saying she is no Wonder Woman… Right!
Fantastic Four: Though it would be completely useless, but no… McMahon as DrDoom was perfect. Although Sue didn’t look like Sue at all… same for Richards… it was ok. Surprised me… entertaining.
Small gathering on Friday night to go watch King Kong. Lucinda went with her hubby, and so they joines Lightshadow, Groundel and me. Small moment of fright as Ladymex passed by with her offspring… but she turned to avoid us. Finally she got the hint. Yay! Anyway… The evening had no casualties and was fun. Lucinda ended up crying a river, guess she didn’t heard that the monkey died… Oh, well… ;)
Coriolis bored, leaving singing messages in my home phone… Oh, boy… Well, we’ll see if he really passes by on Monday. I am so tired of promises… Then again, he didn’t promise… Oh, I am soooo foolish!
Well… Keep on tuned…
10-4
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Early at my house to make phone calls. No luck yet with Retiro, so I foresee the check thing will be for Jan. Not my fault, will have the phone bill to prove it. :(
Dripping dripping drowning dripping... The dripping in the bath is getting me crazy. Need to get a plumber to take care of all water issues... by mid-Jan... Right now not even a cent to spend... Eeeck!
Will ask Joe Carpenter to take out the closets and any other wood stuff. Want no wood in here, unless it is caoba. No termites, please. Maybe will do some tiling next week as well... This week or what is left of it should be an ode to lazyness... sort off... Put the primer at auntie's so gotta paint maybe tomorrow morning if I'm in the mood...
May see Tril this afternoon. I feel bored and I won't spend another whole day here waiting for a phone call that won't happen. It's like waiting for the repair of auntie's phone... It just won't happen until next year maybe... Happy happy joy joy... Eeeck!
Still an Anti-Chilli's/Anti-Ponderosa girl. People, chill... I gotta be the Grinch or Scrooge... Someone has to do it... And it is in my bones. Deal with it! It's the season to be spooky, shalalalala-lala-lala!
Mood: Make a wild guess. Maybe I'll like Xmas better if I had the spirit within, but my spirit is out and it only enjoys Halloween to the fullest. Xmas is all about gifts and outings to spend money, and getting things overpriced, and people crowding up and pushing you around and having an excuse to curse you with a smile. Blah! I hate crowds, I hate taking part of a lie (after all, baby Jesus was born between March-May, not in December), I hate people being double face (we all know they aint so merry and that they pretend to care but they just want you to fail at everything to pick up the spoils of war)... A beautiful life... Maybe a long time ago, in a galaxy far away... where people actually took the time to make their gifts and instruct values and feelings to their siblings... I wish I live in another time, but no... Here I am... In the land of confussion, in a land with no values, no heart, no core, no true joy... a land that delights on ignoring problems and celebrating stupidity, beer and half-naked chicks. Lovely land...
My homeland died horribly, and instead this accursed clone has taken over... Gentle portorricans have been turned into headless chickens in human bodies... Damned world... And its funny to see what they write as "what the 2006 will bring to us", writing about the stars saying that so many bad things will happen... Hello! Wake up! Of course bad things will happen... its a logical consequence of global carelessness. Trees keep on being cut, the Amazon Jungle keeps vanishing. Glaciers keep melting... Well, duh! Earthquakes will strike, weather will be insane... Logical things that are consequence of what the "intelligent" animal of this planet does best: Screw everything it touches for the sake of so-called civilization and evolution.
I believe in fighting and making a difference. It just seems there is no point. The few fighters are branded as geek anarchists that try going against all odds and literally die trying. The deep lessons left by Mother Theresa and Princess Diana in matters of giving selflessly were lessons of a one day application... People look at them, say its a pity, and move on. While people decide which game system should they buy, or which cellular has the best features, or which iPod looks cooler there are children dying because they couldnt get even just a spoonful of rice. Mention this, and people say its a pity, and they keep on their mindless consumerism because it doesn't inmediately touch them... Mention that you are not talking of Africa, but of this piece of land we call Island of Enchantment... and they wont believe it. Personally, I wont get a $500 buck system, not even a $130 system. People keep wasting money investing on their children's lack of imagination... and creating monsters that don't really get the value of money. Instead of giving a one day play and food and toys for kids, try donating time, volunteering... That's what true Xmas is all about... a gift that comes from the heart and lasts a whole year or a lifetime... There is a difference between wants and needs. Place it in a balance and realize that most wants are not even close to needs, and that after you fulfill your needs you can help others do the same... and in the way, get the greatest of your wants.
Ok... That's as deep as I can go today. I'm outta here.
To all friends and foes: Merry Xmas. May all of you get exactly what every one of you deserves! :)
And to pick up the spirit... here goes... cheers!
" T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season"
10-4
Dripping dripping drowning dripping... The dripping in the bath is getting me crazy. Need to get a plumber to take care of all water issues... by mid-Jan... Right now not even a cent to spend... Eeeck!
Will ask Joe Carpenter to take out the closets and any other wood stuff. Want no wood in here, unless it is caoba. No termites, please. Maybe will do some tiling next week as well... This week or what is left of it should be an ode to lazyness... sort off... Put the primer at auntie's so gotta paint maybe tomorrow morning if I'm in the mood...
May see Tril this afternoon. I feel bored and I won't spend another whole day here waiting for a phone call that won't happen. It's like waiting for the repair of auntie's phone... It just won't happen until next year maybe... Happy happy joy joy... Eeeck!
Still an Anti-Chilli's/Anti-Ponderosa girl. People, chill... I gotta be the Grinch or Scrooge... Someone has to do it... And it is in my bones. Deal with it! It's the season to be spooky, shalalalala-lala-lala!
Mood: Make a wild guess. Maybe I'll like Xmas better if I had the spirit within, but my spirit is out and it only enjoys Halloween to the fullest. Xmas is all about gifts and outings to spend money, and getting things overpriced, and people crowding up and pushing you around and having an excuse to curse you with a smile. Blah! I hate crowds, I hate taking part of a lie (after all, baby Jesus was born between March-May, not in December), I hate people being double face (we all know they aint so merry and that they pretend to care but they just want you to fail at everything to pick up the spoils of war)... A beautiful life... Maybe a long time ago, in a galaxy far away... where people actually took the time to make their gifts and instruct values and feelings to their siblings... I wish I live in another time, but no... Here I am... In the land of confussion, in a land with no values, no heart, no core, no true joy... a land that delights on ignoring problems and celebrating stupidity, beer and half-naked chicks. Lovely land...
My homeland died horribly, and instead this accursed clone has taken over... Gentle portorricans have been turned into headless chickens in human bodies... Damned world... And its funny to see what they write as "what the 2006 will bring to us", writing about the stars saying that so many bad things will happen... Hello! Wake up! Of course bad things will happen... its a logical consequence of global carelessness. Trees keep on being cut, the Amazon Jungle keeps vanishing. Glaciers keep melting... Well, duh! Earthquakes will strike, weather will be insane... Logical things that are consequence of what the "intelligent" animal of this planet does best: Screw everything it touches for the sake of so-called civilization and evolution.
I believe in fighting and making a difference. It just seems there is no point. The few fighters are branded as geek anarchists that try going against all odds and literally die trying. The deep lessons left by Mother Theresa and Princess Diana in matters of giving selflessly were lessons of a one day application... People look at them, say its a pity, and move on. While people decide which game system should they buy, or which cellular has the best features, or which iPod looks cooler there are children dying because they couldnt get even just a spoonful of rice. Mention this, and people say its a pity, and they keep on their mindless consumerism because it doesn't inmediately touch them... Mention that you are not talking of Africa, but of this piece of land we call Island of Enchantment... and they wont believe it. Personally, I wont get a $500 buck system, not even a $130 system. People keep wasting money investing on their children's lack of imagination... and creating monsters that don't really get the value of money. Instead of giving a one day play and food and toys for kids, try donating time, volunteering... That's what true Xmas is all about... a gift that comes from the heart and lasts a whole year or a lifetime... There is a difference between wants and needs. Place it in a balance and realize that most wants are not even close to needs, and that after you fulfill your needs you can help others do the same... and in the way, get the greatest of your wants.
Ok... That's as deep as I can go today. I'm outta here.
To all friends and foes: Merry Xmas. May all of you get exactly what every one of you deserves! :)
And to pick up the spirit... here goes... cheers!
" T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season"
10-4
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Absolutely anoyed and mad. No phone at auntie's (still, the Big old fart wont grant that wish... talking about the big old Xmas guy)... People looking for me as if I were not gonna pay... Last night the contractor's sister gave me a reminder visit along with 4 people who got out of their car in a not so friendly way... WTF? If she thought I would be intimidated, sorry. I just got soooo pissed because I dont like shows at auntie's... How can I give any money if the stupid inspector from Retiro wont show up? And that's something the contractor knew... Until she gives the go and I go to SJ to sign papers and get the check there is nothing else I can do... And I keep calling Retiro and no one answers me... But they call to my work and now today a coworker woke me up at home to tell me they were looking for me... Great. BTW, the inspector was suppossed to pass by last Thu and get this over with, she didnt. She left a note at Retiro saying she didnt found the house... But gee, she didnt call either and I waited for her the whole friggin day... Thanks to that the effect of people who want money and whom I cant get it turns into overwhelming and eeeck!
Besides that, nothing else of much worth... Say Anthony yesterday, went to see Aeon Flux... BTW, as I suspected, that movie is great as a rental, not for the Big Screen.
Narnia... Ah, Narnia... Delightful. Now I can believe in all those creatures that speak but that I wondered how... Gotta love the Phoenix. Gotta love the Witch. Gotta worship the Lion (Alex, there is your treat for the holidays... Mufasa eat your heart out). Animals with human voices were flawless. Even the wolves were perfect.
So what's left of it all? King Kong... T-rexes... Blondes in distress... Read it all at Aintitcoolnews.com
Me, trying to entertain myself with lovely ants... Waiting for calls that doesn't happen... Found the treasure for Einstein, so now is the quest for little Barbie's treasure... Groundel taking care of that business.
Making some plans, just SOME because most don't happen and so I am trying to avoid the planning business completely.
So, if the inspector shows her ass up here before Fri, I may get to get the check on Fri... if not it will be a business for next year because of the government holidays shutdown...
Whatever. Tired. Pissed. Anoyed... What's so new about it all?
10-4
Besides that, nothing else of much worth... Say Anthony yesterday, went to see Aeon Flux... BTW, as I suspected, that movie is great as a rental, not for the Big Screen.
Narnia... Ah, Narnia... Delightful. Now I can believe in all those creatures that speak but that I wondered how... Gotta love the Phoenix. Gotta love the Witch. Gotta worship the Lion (Alex, there is your treat for the holidays... Mufasa eat your heart out). Animals with human voices were flawless. Even the wolves were perfect.
So what's left of it all? King Kong... T-rexes... Blondes in distress... Read it all at Aintitcoolnews.com
Me, trying to entertain myself with lovely ants... Waiting for calls that doesn't happen... Found the treasure for Einstein, so now is the quest for little Barbie's treasure... Groundel taking care of that business.
Making some plans, just SOME because most don't happen and so I am trying to avoid the planning business completely.
So, if the inspector shows her ass up here before Fri, I may get to get the check on Fri... if not it will be a business for next year because of the government holidays shutdown...
Whatever. Tired. Pissed. Anoyed... What's so new about it all?
10-4
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Preparing everything for my departure at work, namely backups, backups, backups... Same old problems, same old deaf ears at the offices in SJ. Thank God for compensatory time and vacation time... Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Well, the lady from Retiro is suppossed to pass by the house tomorrow to check it up. Hopefully all will be fine so I have the money for the contractor within this week. He work slow but certain, and the job was perfect. Love the stairs, very private now. Will try working on the bathroom so at least that is done by next week. Will try using the help of a friend that has experience with tiles. We'll see the outcome! Gotta paint with primer on Fri what is left of auntie's so later on she can paint whatever she wants to paint. Weekend and next week will be cleaning mayhem-fun at my house, anyone who wanna help is invited to do so.
Kitties very healthy and kicking. I dont know what my life would be without them. They are the only ones who understand me so well: sleep, play, and eat, the most important things in life.
Eeeck! Gotta go back to work!
10-4
Well, the lady from Retiro is suppossed to pass by the house tomorrow to check it up. Hopefully all will be fine so I have the money for the contractor within this week. He work slow but certain, and the job was perfect. Love the stairs, very private now. Will try working on the bathroom so at least that is done by next week. Will try using the help of a friend that has experience with tiles. We'll see the outcome! Gotta paint with primer on Fri what is left of auntie's so later on she can paint whatever she wants to paint. Weekend and next week will be cleaning mayhem-fun at my house, anyone who wanna help is invited to do so.
Kitties very healthy and kicking. I dont know what my life would be without them. They are the only ones who understand me so well: sleep, play, and eat, the most important things in life.
Eeeck! Gotta go back to work!
10-4
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Awful days gone, awful days ahead... Awful day today... Yay! Nauseus, hate feeling this way, couldn't even have breakfast, guess I'll have to turn vegetarian or something... Ugh! One more day and out until next year, out of here, cursed place, out of the plastic people with plastic smiles and plastic hearts... Out to be all by myself, yay, what a happy thought... Much to do, not much money to accomplish all goals just some basics, and not much desire to do everything I have to do but everything I wish to do... Sims having the time of their lives, wish I were one. Me, still in the struggle between being human or the daughter of Lloth. It's so shitty being half-breed... No matter what you do, you don't feel complete, you don't feel that good... Wrong era to live in... Reggaetón at every corner, people dressing as drag kings and pimps... (not even drag queens, those dress really nice actually)... The time of drugs, sex, violence, anarchism, death... Ugh! How about reincarnation and living the life of Crocky... Then again a stupid guy would try hunting me... Supper! Would be nice to listen to some waltzes and dance the night away while dancing to that beat, under the moonlight, near a lovely lake that's not filled up with corpses or memories of them... Would be nice to actually smell the fresh grass and not the weed people... Would be nice to smile from the heart and not just to keep plastic people within their plastic worlds... Keep on dreaming of living in a perfect world... I'm a romantic after all. Who knew?
Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter
And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer
All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...
-Alanis Morissette, All I really want
Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter
And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer
All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...
-Alanis Morissette, All I really want
What Kind Of Weapon Are you?
Nuclear Bomb
You're a Nuclear Bomb! You are by far the most dangerous and destructive of all the weapons. You're also the most advanced. You're cold and completely indifferent, destroying everything you can without feeling, remorse or regret. You also leave a nasty aftertaste: Radiation. You plague people for years, poisoning and killing the ones you didn't destroy from the get-go. You are the only weapon with the true ability to destroy mankind. You're horrible.
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
Gee, how nice...
Monday, December 12, 2005
Well, on Thu night went to the grad place to check it out after all... Loved the place. Reminded me of Little House on The Prairie. Met with LightShadow afterwards... We were suppossed to see Rent but as my usual luck, it was no longer showing... So, we went to see NightWatch. Eeeeeeck! Cross Neil Gaiman with Mortal Kombat video games and a bit of Thundercats (just a bit). Stupid movie. I though it would be original or attention grasping... Unworthy of the big screen. God, this year has been dissapointment after dissapointment... I hope King Kong and Narnia saves the year... Narnia! Narnia! Gosh, can't wait for that one!
The weekend went too fast. On Saturday finished up the scratching walls project. They are ready for paint… That would be another story. Went to Lucinda’s place since it was her birthday. I could gather no one since everyone had something better to do. Whatever. The important thing is I went with Groundel, we brought her cake, we singed along and at least for a few minutes she did something else than house work. Now Diego is into fishing, and Barbie is speaking nonstop.
On Sunday went early in the morning to deliver (finally) the pressure machine. Went to my house and things are almost finished. The wall looks great. The directional light fixtures are awesome. Eating at auntie’s and caught most of the Walt Disney Holidays preparations show. It was great, showing how they prepare every decoration on all the theme parks. Loved the tree of Animal Kingdom! And the gingerbread house. Well, afterwards, went to get another fixture, this one for the stairs… And rented 2 movies that sucked badly. And then to sleep.
The Devil’s Rejects: Same line of nudity and mindlessness of the 1st movie… The gore was not as gorish as the first one, though… Poor in every way. Hated it.
The Skeleton Key: Another good idea, another bad execution… The site was perfect, but one could actually foresee what was coming. Not creative, maybe a bit more research on the hoodoo matter would have given it a lift…
Had a bad dream. In the dream I left my cats under the care of a friend. I went to get them back, but he didn’t have them. He complained they were too many cats and it was too much work so he gave them to some of his friends so they took care of them. I was pissed and wanted to get them inmediately. He said that it was late and I should wait until the next day and closed the door. I was mad at the idea, then another friend told me he knew where the cats were. So we went to the place. I knocked at the door and this ultimate bitch answered, one of my nemesis… Looking around I saw an old cage completely unkept. A starved to the bone Kali was there, full of fleas. I was enraged by the whole thing, demanding to know where were the others. The lady said they were around that they kept coming and going. Spotted what I thought would be Roxy, turned out it was Roxy’s head. As I picked up the head I spotted Set outside, under a car. I screamed his name, and he tried to run away, but I caught him. He was half bald everywere, seemingly covered with sarna and with hot water bruises. And he was also starving to death. I started demanding to know where Kyonne, Cyric and Michita were, and there was no answer. By the look on their faces nothing pretty happenned to them. I woke up almost throwing up. Had to run to my kitties room to make sure they were there and alive and well. They were all sleeping in the twin bed, and looked up as I entered the room. Sat there watching them and caressing them and crying. You can take anything from me, but my kitties… they are who I love the most. The though of loosing just one makes me insane. Couldn’t sleep the rest of the night, having the image of the so called Kbron in my mind… Of all of them, Setito is the worst behaved, but I love him as well and wish him no harm. Don’t know why I dreamed such a thing… But it stirred me up.
Another working week… At least this one will be short. I’ll start vacations on the 15th, and it ends next year at the 9th…
10-4
The weekend went too fast. On Saturday finished up the scratching walls project. They are ready for paint… That would be another story. Went to Lucinda’s place since it was her birthday. I could gather no one since everyone had something better to do. Whatever. The important thing is I went with Groundel, we brought her cake, we singed along and at least for a few minutes she did something else than house work. Now Diego is into fishing, and Barbie is speaking nonstop.
On Sunday went early in the morning to deliver (finally) the pressure machine. Went to my house and things are almost finished. The wall looks great. The directional light fixtures are awesome. Eating at auntie’s and caught most of the Walt Disney Holidays preparations show. It was great, showing how they prepare every decoration on all the theme parks. Loved the tree of Animal Kingdom! And the gingerbread house. Well, afterwards, went to get another fixture, this one for the stairs… And rented 2 movies that sucked badly. And then to sleep.
The Devil’s Rejects: Same line of nudity and mindlessness of the 1st movie… The gore was not as gorish as the first one, though… Poor in every way. Hated it.
The Skeleton Key: Another good idea, another bad execution… The site was perfect, but one could actually foresee what was coming. Not creative, maybe a bit more research on the hoodoo matter would have given it a lift…
Had a bad dream. In the dream I left my cats under the care of a friend. I went to get them back, but he didn’t have them. He complained they were too many cats and it was too much work so he gave them to some of his friends so they took care of them. I was pissed and wanted to get them inmediately. He said that it was late and I should wait until the next day and closed the door. I was mad at the idea, then another friend told me he knew where the cats were. So we went to the place. I knocked at the door and this ultimate bitch answered, one of my nemesis… Looking around I saw an old cage completely unkept. A starved to the bone Kali was there, full of fleas. I was enraged by the whole thing, demanding to know where were the others. The lady said they were around that they kept coming and going. Spotted what I thought would be Roxy, turned out it was Roxy’s head. As I picked up the head I spotted Set outside, under a car. I screamed his name, and he tried to run away, but I caught him. He was half bald everywere, seemingly covered with sarna and with hot water bruises. And he was also starving to death. I started demanding to know where Kyonne, Cyric and Michita were, and there was no answer. By the look on their faces nothing pretty happenned to them. I woke up almost throwing up. Had to run to my kitties room to make sure they were there and alive and well. They were all sleeping in the twin bed, and looked up as I entered the room. Sat there watching them and caressing them and crying. You can take anything from me, but my kitties… they are who I love the most. The though of loosing just one makes me insane. Couldn’t sleep the rest of the night, having the image of the so called Kbron in my mind… Of all of them, Setito is the worst behaved, but I love him as well and wish him no harm. Don’t know why I dreamed such a thing… But it stirred me up.
Another working week… At least this one will be short. I’ll start vacations on the 15th, and it ends next year at the 9th…
10-4
Thursday, December 08, 2005
You must understand how the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore that it means more than that
What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken
It may seem to you that i'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If i tend to look dazed i've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason you do it for me
What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken
I've been taking on a new direction
But i have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way
What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken
-Tina Turner, What's love gotta do with it
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore that it means more than that
What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken
It may seem to you that i'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If i tend to look dazed i've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason you do it for me
What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken
I've been taking on a new direction
But i have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way
What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken
-Tina Turner, What's love gotta do with it
Rainy day. A bit tired and sad, but life goes on. Waiting for transportation to go to Aguadilla, if none appears I'll have to go by myself… Yay. Besides that, had an appointment to see the facilities of a small church to decorate for a graduation in May. But I'm canceling until Monday, I'm tired and cranky so not a good day for beig too much of a social butterfly. Thinking of maybe going to see Rent at night… Whatever happens. Watching old net pics, thinking too much… planning like crazy… LOL Daydreams, nightmares, whatever they may be called…
I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…
10-4
I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…
10-4
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Today is Dec 7, 2005. A year ago, a good friend had a very unfortunate event that lead to death. She had preclampsia and that got worst with her asthma and high blood pressure. The doctors saved her baby, but were unable to save her. After a blood transfusion something went wrong and her brain died. The next day, Dec 8, by midday, her husband asked the doctors to turn off the machine that kept her body alive. A kid, a newborn, and a husband were left behind, along with all the people that she took care and was responsible for in matters of medication, preparing food, doctors appointments, and all that without mentioning work. The whole thing was unexpected and a great blow to those who valued her immensely. I want to take a moment to let the world know a bit about who was Betsynet.
Betsy was the only person I could call friend at San Juan's work office. She called me everyday, to update me on things about work and to see how I was doing. In her busy schedule she always had time for me, and she always remembered the little things. I met her when I started working at ARV in SJ, she was the secretary of the MIS director… so not oddly enough, she ran the complete office. A flawless commander, she gave out orders to everyone, from the big boss to the cleaning crew. She made sure that job tickets were taken care of, that messages reached their destiny, that our overtime counted in matters of paycheck, as well as she always tried to create a family-environment full of small gatherings just because. Her attitude was always cheerful, even if she had to go in the middle of the morning to pick up her son and take him to emergency because he had an asthma attack… or even if she had to baby-sit her mom at the hospital the night before. In an office of lost & found, she always knew where everything was, and she always performed her duty at more than her best. She was polite and nice to those she didn't like, thinking that they were that way because of their own problems and issues. She didn't waste time on gossip, she had a life to live.
After I was transferred to Mayaguez I though she would join all those people that claim to be friends but after a while of distance simply cool off… Not her. Every morning she had a moment to call, even if she had no jobs for me. In time I could tell things became really stressing over there because of her confidences. People who were nice turned into jerks. Everyone was fighting a cold war, and she was left in the middle of it because of her sensitive position. Nevertheless, in the middle of it all, she did her job, did not double cross anyone, gave good advise even to those jerks who did everything to get her off her position. At work the common harassing environment became worst everyday, since all that people could do was screw her life up since she could not be taken off her duty because she did a perfect job. Evidently, that continual screwing up her daily life had a toll in her. She married a guy that she had been going out with for a time, the event was short and sweet, and very nice. It was one of her happiest moments.
Betsy and Tony were made for each other, he loved her child, and they constantly took time off to travel throughout the island getting to know each of its prettiest corners, as well as to travel to the states. She once went to Salem and brought me a charcoal drawing from the witches' museum. I can say with no doubts that the time she spent with Tony and her son was well spent, she lived her life to the fullest. And she found the time to be kind and of service to everyone around her. In several occasions I stayed at her home in order to attend meetings and trainings at SJ. I always felt I was staying with family. Her latest project, finally getting a house of their own, came true. The last year she spent making improvements in order to have an at home office for her husband and a room for the new addition to the family. And at work, her pregnancy was not an obstacle for her doing her best, and for people screwing her life even further.
The time of her baby shower came, and they did a small gathering to celebrate it. It has been a Saturday. I could not attend because of my car, I could not travel that far. Next Monday I called to ask how was everything and I was given the news that she was in the hospital. No one told me it was something serious. The next day she died.
Betsy always thought of every problem "Que se joda!" She did her things and didn't really care about anyone else's opinion. A good daughter, a good mother, a devoted wife, a good friend… She gave me a taste of how life should be, that anything can be accomplished, and that you better take charge of things now because tomorrow may be too late. She died young, but she truly lived. Not everyone can say that. She did all the things she wanted to, she worked at a profession she liked, and she found true love and kept it. She brought a smile to anyone around her, and hope to anyone who was sad or tired. She made you feel important even if you had done nothing at all.
Betsynet: You are missed every hour, everyday. A whole year has passed, and your absence has demonstrated to many that you were invaluable and irreplaceable. May you enjoy a last laugh when you look down towards us. Thanks for all your lessons, my friend. RIP.
Betsy was the only person I could call friend at San Juan's work office. She called me everyday, to update me on things about work and to see how I was doing. In her busy schedule she always had time for me, and she always remembered the little things. I met her when I started working at ARV in SJ, she was the secretary of the MIS director… so not oddly enough, she ran the complete office. A flawless commander, she gave out orders to everyone, from the big boss to the cleaning crew. She made sure that job tickets were taken care of, that messages reached their destiny, that our overtime counted in matters of paycheck, as well as she always tried to create a family-environment full of small gatherings just because. Her attitude was always cheerful, even if she had to go in the middle of the morning to pick up her son and take him to emergency because he had an asthma attack… or even if she had to baby-sit her mom at the hospital the night before. In an office of lost & found, she always knew where everything was, and she always performed her duty at more than her best. She was polite and nice to those she didn't like, thinking that they were that way because of their own problems and issues. She didn't waste time on gossip, she had a life to live.
After I was transferred to Mayaguez I though she would join all those people that claim to be friends but after a while of distance simply cool off… Not her. Every morning she had a moment to call, even if she had no jobs for me. In time I could tell things became really stressing over there because of her confidences. People who were nice turned into jerks. Everyone was fighting a cold war, and she was left in the middle of it because of her sensitive position. Nevertheless, in the middle of it all, she did her job, did not double cross anyone, gave good advise even to those jerks who did everything to get her off her position. At work the common harassing environment became worst everyday, since all that people could do was screw her life up since she could not be taken off her duty because she did a perfect job. Evidently, that continual screwing up her daily life had a toll in her. She married a guy that she had been going out with for a time, the event was short and sweet, and very nice. It was one of her happiest moments.
Betsy and Tony were made for each other, he loved her child, and they constantly took time off to travel throughout the island getting to know each of its prettiest corners, as well as to travel to the states. She once went to Salem and brought me a charcoal drawing from the witches' museum. I can say with no doubts that the time she spent with Tony and her son was well spent, she lived her life to the fullest. And she found the time to be kind and of service to everyone around her. In several occasions I stayed at her home in order to attend meetings and trainings at SJ. I always felt I was staying with family. Her latest project, finally getting a house of their own, came true. The last year she spent making improvements in order to have an at home office for her husband and a room for the new addition to the family. And at work, her pregnancy was not an obstacle for her doing her best, and for people screwing her life even further.
The time of her baby shower came, and they did a small gathering to celebrate it. It has been a Saturday. I could not attend because of my car, I could not travel that far. Next Monday I called to ask how was everything and I was given the news that she was in the hospital. No one told me it was something serious. The next day she died.
Betsy always thought of every problem "Que se joda!" She did her things and didn't really care about anyone else's opinion. A good daughter, a good mother, a devoted wife, a good friend… She gave me a taste of how life should be, that anything can be accomplished, and that you better take charge of things now because tomorrow may be too late. She died young, but she truly lived. Not everyone can say that. She did all the things she wanted to, she worked at a profession she liked, and she found true love and kept it. She brought a smile to anyone around her, and hope to anyone who was sad or tired. She made you feel important even if you had done nothing at all.
Betsynet: You are missed every hour, everyday. A whole year has passed, and your absence has demonstrated to many that you were invaluable and irreplaceable. May you enjoy a last laugh when you look down towards us. Thanks for all your lessons, my friend. RIP.
Yesterday had to go at 10:30am from work. I had a big pain that wouldn’t go away and I knew it would last the whole day. I was right. Throwing up followed as soon as I got home. Three times. Awful. Tried resting. Today I am not feeling so good, but auntie woke me up anyway saying I had to go work… Being sick is no excuse to stay home. WTF?! I hate this… So, back in my office… I supposse that if I get bad again I will just sleep in the floor since its no use trying going home to rest. Happy happy joy joy.
Groundel went to the WIA thing and they scheduled some things for him. Hopefully that is the kind of help he needed to get a job. As Madonna said many times: "We'll see"
10-4
Groundel went to the WIA thing and they scheduled some things for him. Hopefully that is the kind of help he needed to get a job. As Madonna said many times: "We'll see"
10-4
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
At work. Another boring day… So far nothing of big interest… The elevator is not working as usual and the going up to the 4th floor through the stairs is a killer… But I guess it was not as bad as with some old people who got dizzy out of it. :(
Yesterday Gruendel had a Star Wars game in Sabana Grande. He called me at work to let me know. The day passed by him and I guess he forgot he promised to go to Gestión Unica on Monday… and to CUE. He's fast to make promises without really meaning them… Whatever… I only wished he REALLY were interested in studying (which he is not) and that he gave a little more of himself to the quest of getting a job (if he doesn't get it by Dec-Jan I don't think he ever will… It's been more than 4 months and nothing…). Lack of motivation if it is not game-related…
Tril called before my going out of work time, so I asked him to go with me to deliver something in Hormigueros. He had nothing to do (hmmm, another lazy ass) so he agreed. So, I tryed giving back the machine that a co-worker lend me, but she wasn't home. Hurray, hurray… Gave Tril a trip to the house and inspected what has been done so far… Stairs almost closed, electricity still a work in progress, no light fixtures installed so far. The tree is kinda eating the balcony up, gotta trim it and put some venom on the weeds so they stop harrassing the house… Whatever.
Back home... With the kitties reading Christopher Lowell's books and then to sleep. My eyes are still bothering me… I know something is giving me allergy… Seems I'm not the only one with that, Lucinda can't even talk because of her seasonal flu.
I feel sad. Everything around me seems so stale and blah. I wish I could make a big change in every way, but what's the point… We are but pawns that amuses God's will.
10-4
Yesterday Gruendel had a Star Wars game in Sabana Grande. He called me at work to let me know. The day passed by him and I guess he forgot he promised to go to Gestión Unica on Monday… and to CUE. He's fast to make promises without really meaning them… Whatever… I only wished he REALLY were interested in studying (which he is not) and that he gave a little more of himself to the quest of getting a job (if he doesn't get it by Dec-Jan I don't think he ever will… It's been more than 4 months and nothing…). Lack of motivation if it is not game-related…
Tril called before my going out of work time, so I asked him to go with me to deliver something in Hormigueros. He had nothing to do (hmmm, another lazy ass) so he agreed. So, I tryed giving back the machine that a co-worker lend me, but she wasn't home. Hurray, hurray… Gave Tril a trip to the house and inspected what has been done so far… Stairs almost closed, electricity still a work in progress, no light fixtures installed so far. The tree is kinda eating the balcony up, gotta trim it and put some venom on the weeds so they stop harrassing the house… Whatever.
Back home... With the kitties reading Christopher Lowell's books and then to sleep. My eyes are still bothering me… I know something is giving me allergy… Seems I'm not the only one with that, Lucinda can't even talk because of her seasonal flu.
I feel sad. Everything around me seems so stale and blah. I wish I could make a big change in every way, but what's the point… We are but pawns that amuses God's will.
10-4
Monday, December 05, 2005
On this past weekend:
- Another episode of My Phone is Still Dead.
-Rented Unleashed and Land of the Dead. Both were entertaining... Although I still think Jet Li's best performance is as Kato, and Land of the Dead ended up with stolen scenes from Shaun of the Dead (chained zombies for fun) and the classic mall scene... Whatever.
- Basically stranded at aunties playing Sim's 2. Made a family made up by Sara, Angel, Maria and Joe... Four very different people, living in the same house... I'm trying to see what happens when things stop being polite and start getting real... The Real World, Mayaguez. LOL
-Yesterday, from 1pm to 7pm... putting the Xmas tree. Wheeeeeee. Pretty pretty pretty
Nothing further. Waiting for Narnia and Aeon Flux. And hoping for vacations soon... Work keeps on sucking. At least this year is the first time a boss gives me a detail, the boss from SJ sent an iceman globe. That was cute. :)
10-4
- Another episode of My Phone is Still Dead.
-Rented Unleashed and Land of the Dead. Both were entertaining... Although I still think Jet Li's best performance is as Kato, and Land of the Dead ended up with stolen scenes from Shaun of the Dead (chained zombies for fun) and the classic mall scene... Whatever.
- Basically stranded at aunties playing Sim's 2. Made a family made up by Sara, Angel, Maria and Joe... Four very different people, living in the same house... I'm trying to see what happens when things stop being polite and start getting real... The Real World, Mayaguez. LOL
-Yesterday, from 1pm to 7pm... putting the Xmas tree. Wheeeeeee. Pretty pretty pretty
Nothing further. Waiting for Narnia and Aeon Flux. And hoping for vacations soon... Work keeps on sucking. At least this year is the first time a boss gives me a detail, the boss from SJ sent an iceman globe. That was cute. :)
10-4
Friday, December 02, 2005
You try to do something nice, a little detail of sorts, and somehow you get punished for it by destiny's fickleness… It just proves my theory of at work be a bulldog because you do not get paid to be friendly.
The day has been slow… Now the power supply of my laptop is dead, meaning I will have no means to access the net at home. Things keep getting better and better… I even got a complain about why I haven't left feedback. Lightning may strike on me if I get outside…
Too pissed to actually go into deeper thoughts…
And an errata comes to life: I have no complains about my friends, they are the best people I could want around me. My complains go to the other side, meaning relationship and eternal flames. So, my friends I love the same, Joe. Don't you dare to doubt that! (Only Kodak moment of the day, promise).
This weekend… I made a list of plans, but I am feeling bad enough to just cancel everything and stay on bed until Monday. Whatever…
10-4
The day has been slow… Now the power supply of my laptop is dead, meaning I will have no means to access the net at home. Things keep getting better and better… I even got a complain about why I haven't left feedback. Lightning may strike on me if I get outside…
Too pissed to actually go into deeper thoughts…
And an errata comes to life: I have no complains about my friends, they are the best people I could want around me. My complains go to the other side, meaning relationship and eternal flames. So, my friends I love the same, Joe. Don't you dare to doubt that! (Only Kodak moment of the day, promise).
This weekend… I made a list of plans, but I am feeling bad enough to just cancel everything and stay on bed until Monday. Whatever…
10-4
Thursday, December 01, 2005
It is so ironic when people tell you what to do as if you knew nothing of things or life… I was just commenting to a coworker about the things I want to be: event coordinator, painting artist… He began giving me samples of people that could help me focus on ideas… creative people. I was thinking what the fuck? And that’s the shame… What people see as creative is not. I smiled politely and just said “I have done scenographies, I write stories and tales, I paint ever since being 5 years old, I write poems, and speeches, and plays… I have just the right contacts for an event coordination business, I can do a whole advertising campaign… I have developed 3 business plans… I can’t do things right now.” And all he said was that I was afraid of taking the first step, blah blah… (sight) How about this: I am not afraid of anything, I just can’t right now. But I have a plan, and I have deadlines for myself… I just need to be patient about some things. I can’t count on my spare time after work because (ding, ding, ding!) I have no spare time…
I’m in charge of making my aunt’s house livable again, because there is no one else to do so, period… and because all I am today I owe to her… So even if I complain because it’s no piece of cake, I know I am the only one that can help on that matter.
I also have the construction and improvement of the house in Hormigueros… I will love the outcome, but I know the way is bumpy and hard because I have no sources to fund the projects and so I have to wait, gather the small amounts until I have the complete amounts to pay off each stage… not easy at all… I can’t expect auntie to sponsor me when she can barely sponsor herself, and no one else has the extra income to use me as a hobby. It’s ok… My vision for my house will be completed by the end of next year, at least on the inside... That much is certain… I just don’t know how much I can cope with all the holes in the road, and the broken bridges…
I also want to go back to studying, although I am not certain yet if I will do another master, this time in Painting and Photography, or if I will go for the doctorate of International Business, Social Work or Psychology… In any event, that will take place in August. By then I should be more stabilized in matters of location and time… I can’t study in my present location… I get stressed just by being there.
In the middle of all that I created a schedule of all the travels I want to accomplish for the next 10 years. I want to be able to say that I have traveled the world. I want to expose myself to different cultures and ideas, and learn from the experience. England, New Zealand, Russia, China, Thailand, Australia, Egypt… I want to be there. I don’t know where I’ll get the funding, but I will do it. It is one of my greatest dreams.
I want to jump start a painting career, but I need a portfolio of less than 3 years and at least 25 paintings in order to be taken seriously. And that is the plan from January to June… So I can go to the Culture Institute and get an artist license so they grant some benefits like cheaper materials, and exposure via mall festivals and the like. With that I can get a gallery in San Juan to represent me, so I get the proper exposure when I cannot represent myself. With that I can also go to the city central government and offer my services as muralist… But I need a solid recent portfolio… Until that is done, it’s all about dreaming my life’s greatest dream. It is in schedule… I just have to wait a bit…
I want to have a part time as event coordinator, but first everything else in my life must be in order so I can count on my spare time… so I have the focus and creative juices working in the right direction. When I am moved into the new house, when I have my portfolio, when I begin studying and I’m certain of the right amount of hours I can dedicate to such a task, then I can think of developing this kind of business. I give it one more year, not too long a time if you put things in perspective. And then I will be able to juggle one event each month, so they turn out great.
I have not discarded the idea of teaching painting on weekends. I will have the space to do so, and the investment on cubicles and seats and materials will not be so overpowering. But then again, I must wait a year… until I am well established in my home.
So… I have the plans, I have the dates, I have the talents, I have the creativity, and I have the will… I know what I must do and how to do it. But it all gets slowdown because I have no godfather in terms of money, so I must do everything myself, little by little, with just the right amount of sacrifices. I know where I am heading. It is just frustrating having to sit down and wait because right now there is nothing else I can’t do… It’s all about timing. Opportunity always misses my door… Hopefully it will knock at my door… Soon enough…
And in the middle of all the chaos of what I want to do and achieve in my life, the emotions and feelings of failure due to living a life doing what I hate is… discouraging… to say the least. I thought by now I would have achieved a stable dream job, would have a stable mate, would have a stable little family… But it all has come to ashes. I must endure in this job I hate because there are no other options for now. I have no mate, I definitively don’t have a family and I’m seriously pondering if I really want one after all… I am not what most men want, and the only men that understand my way of thinking are gay. After 30 no one approaches you because of who you are but because of what they can get out of you. I have tried to open myself to new friends, but that has proved a terrible mistake as they only want one thing and I am not interested. I find the only people that honestly likes being around me are the ones I have known for more than 10 years, and that is the reason why I seemingly rotate around them at all times. They are the ones that were there when I was nothing, when I had achieved nothing… and they are the ones that are still there, believing in me. No love can be greater than the love they have given me. And yet, something is missing… I feel empty no matter how much I try to make things right. I feel that love has left my heart forever. And that is a terrible belief in itself… I feel my time for love is past. Seems I will always be the best friend for everyone who loves me, but nothing else… because of themselves and because of me.
How to understand everything… Here I am back at the beginning… In a cold office, trying to ignore the pressures of coworkers, the pressures of home and the pressures of my own. Only the good die young… Now I know why.
10-4
I’m in charge of making my aunt’s house livable again, because there is no one else to do so, period… and because all I am today I owe to her… So even if I complain because it’s no piece of cake, I know I am the only one that can help on that matter.
I also have the construction and improvement of the house in Hormigueros… I will love the outcome, but I know the way is bumpy and hard because I have no sources to fund the projects and so I have to wait, gather the small amounts until I have the complete amounts to pay off each stage… not easy at all… I can’t expect auntie to sponsor me when she can barely sponsor herself, and no one else has the extra income to use me as a hobby. It’s ok… My vision for my house will be completed by the end of next year, at least on the inside... That much is certain… I just don’t know how much I can cope with all the holes in the road, and the broken bridges…
I also want to go back to studying, although I am not certain yet if I will do another master, this time in Painting and Photography, or if I will go for the doctorate of International Business, Social Work or Psychology… In any event, that will take place in August. By then I should be more stabilized in matters of location and time… I can’t study in my present location… I get stressed just by being there.
In the middle of all that I created a schedule of all the travels I want to accomplish for the next 10 years. I want to be able to say that I have traveled the world. I want to expose myself to different cultures and ideas, and learn from the experience. England, New Zealand, Russia, China, Thailand, Australia, Egypt… I want to be there. I don’t know where I’ll get the funding, but I will do it. It is one of my greatest dreams.
I want to jump start a painting career, but I need a portfolio of less than 3 years and at least 25 paintings in order to be taken seriously. And that is the plan from January to June… So I can go to the Culture Institute and get an artist license so they grant some benefits like cheaper materials, and exposure via mall festivals and the like. With that I can get a gallery in San Juan to represent me, so I get the proper exposure when I cannot represent myself. With that I can also go to the city central government and offer my services as muralist… But I need a solid recent portfolio… Until that is done, it’s all about dreaming my life’s greatest dream. It is in schedule… I just have to wait a bit…
I want to have a part time as event coordinator, but first everything else in my life must be in order so I can count on my spare time… so I have the focus and creative juices working in the right direction. When I am moved into the new house, when I have my portfolio, when I begin studying and I’m certain of the right amount of hours I can dedicate to such a task, then I can think of developing this kind of business. I give it one more year, not too long a time if you put things in perspective. And then I will be able to juggle one event each month, so they turn out great.
I have not discarded the idea of teaching painting on weekends. I will have the space to do so, and the investment on cubicles and seats and materials will not be so overpowering. But then again, I must wait a year… until I am well established in my home.
So… I have the plans, I have the dates, I have the talents, I have the creativity, and I have the will… I know what I must do and how to do it. But it all gets slowdown because I have no godfather in terms of money, so I must do everything myself, little by little, with just the right amount of sacrifices. I know where I am heading. It is just frustrating having to sit down and wait because right now there is nothing else I can’t do… It’s all about timing. Opportunity always misses my door… Hopefully it will knock at my door… Soon enough…
And in the middle of all the chaos of what I want to do and achieve in my life, the emotions and feelings of failure due to living a life doing what I hate is… discouraging… to say the least. I thought by now I would have achieved a stable dream job, would have a stable mate, would have a stable little family… But it all has come to ashes. I must endure in this job I hate because there are no other options for now. I have no mate, I definitively don’t have a family and I’m seriously pondering if I really want one after all… I am not what most men want, and the only men that understand my way of thinking are gay. After 30 no one approaches you because of who you are but because of what they can get out of you. I have tried to open myself to new friends, but that has proved a terrible mistake as they only want one thing and I am not interested. I find the only people that honestly likes being around me are the ones I have known for more than 10 years, and that is the reason why I seemingly rotate around them at all times. They are the ones that were there when I was nothing, when I had achieved nothing… and they are the ones that are still there, believing in me. No love can be greater than the love they have given me. And yet, something is missing… I feel empty no matter how much I try to make things right. I feel that love has left my heart forever. And that is a terrible belief in itself… I feel my time for love is past. Seems I will always be the best friend for everyone who loves me, but nothing else… because of themselves and because of me.
How to understand everything… Here I am back at the beginning… In a cold office, trying to ignore the pressures of coworkers, the pressures of home and the pressures of my own. Only the good die young… Now I know why.
10-4
The week has been basically uneventful. I'm feeling down but coping with it. Work-home-feelings, all suck. Gotta get a turtle so I can at least water it.
No phone yet. PRT didnt appear on Tuesday, left a note on Wed with Tue's date and are suppossed to pass in Fri. Last chance for them, it's been 5 weeks and if they don't go fix it I'll report them to the Ombusman. Why can't things be nice and easy?
Bought lamps on Tue and got them to the house yeasterday. I still need two pairs for outside-upstairs and below, one for living room and one for dining room... Guess those will have to wait until January... I also need 3 metal doors, two for upstairs and one for downstairs entrance. Another wish for Feb maybe? Unless Santa acnowledges I've been such a good girl... Whatever.
10-4
No phone yet. PRT didnt appear on Tuesday, left a note on Wed with Tue's date and are suppossed to pass in Fri. Last chance for them, it's been 5 weeks and if they don't go fix it I'll report them to the Ombusman. Why can't things be nice and easy?
Bought lamps on Tue and got them to the house yeasterday. I still need two pairs for outside-upstairs and below, one for living room and one for dining room... Guess those will have to wait until January... I also need 3 metal doors, two for upstairs and one for downstairs entrance. Another wish for Feb maybe? Unless Santa acnowledges I've been such a good girl... Whatever.
10-4
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