Webspinning of the Arcane mixed with a bit of poison, passion, dreaming and humanity...
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Got to find 3 quotes for remodeling the house, hopefully by tomorrow. Will help paint what is not right in the weekend. Hopefully, the matter will be done by July.
Groundel will not come back for a long time. It is very unlikely that he will return. His feelings and his thoughts are not with me. He thinks we are too different, and he thinks we have no common ground. Time is the only one that knows what will happen… I guess this is as good as it gets…
Tril called yesterday but I said nothing about everything that is going on. He doesn’t deserve to know. Let him rot in his lies and thoughts.
I feel tired, sad, betrayed, weak… I came to work but can’t move too much because I get dizzy and I’ve had almost no sleep. The sleeping pills didn’t work, I woke up each hour… The lack of sleep is taking a toll on me. And so I’m tired and it shows. Mentally I am destroyed… But I know the show must go on. So… I carry on… I will get the house. I will try to get a part time for the weekends. I will take care of my kitties… And I will take a big break from everyone. I haven’t been alone in say… 15 years… It feels strange. It feels even surreal.
Anyway… Been scrapbooking. The masochist in me wants to finish the first scrapping project that I begun… So that’s how I’ve been killing time. While I’m at it I’ve laughed and I’ve cried… And I see that even if things were bad there were many good things worth the time… worth the effort… Nothing is ever perfect, but we did have a home. Sadly, it’s only my opinion.
Games... I dont know if we will play again. I dont know if the guys will show up or stick around, they were just starting to know us. I dont know if we can cope with a few hours playing without thinking of reality... It is too soon to tell...
Whatever.
10-4
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I feel dead. There are no other words to describe it... Dead. Lonely and alone. Buried within 4 walls that act as my tomb. A beautiful mausoleum I built slowly... How fitting...
Thanks to LightShadow and Joe for being there.
Thanks to Coriolis for listening and calling me a bitch.
I am a song waiting to happen... Even in death, I still wait...
Monday, June 27, 2005
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Nothing much to do besides beeing feverish and watch old reruns on DvD. I went back for a whole week to 20 years ago. I remembered the thrill of watching that show, one hour each week... How I managed to get off my room unnoticed, and get to the living room, and turn on the tv so low that the voices were just whispers... 2am on a school night, ah... and that was perhaps the most wicked thing I did back in my childhood... Sneaking out to my living room just to watch a show that molded my dreams, my writings, my image of how my true mate would be... Beauty & the Beast. A simple, not so simple story... A reminder of what love is, of how it should be grasped and never let go of... A reminder of how strongly you shoud fight for it when you find it, a reminder that love goes beyond life, beyond time, beyond death. I embraced each word as I did back then when I knew nothing of love and I could only dream... How different all the words sound when you know you have tasted them in truth... And yet... Deep inside... It remains the same, the young child who knew nothing of love and who still years for her faceless knight in shining armor... for the one that would fight for her and be hers forever even against any odds... My dream... And thus, my inspiration... And so, I long for a white rose that will never caress my face again... And I bleed red roses as I am reminded of everything in between the lines... I'm dying. My heart is dying. And although my body seems to finally accept healing, my spirit keeps dying... And I am left with no words to explain... And I am left with no music within my soul... And I am left without a candle to guide my darkness...
May I rest in peace.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Monday, June 20, 2005
At work... The big boss is on vacation, the place is a bit empty, and plain stupidity broke two printers. Waiting for an answer on what to do...
I started a blog for Streeya since she's a herald and keeps on scribing in the adventure. It should give some credibility to that side of the character, plus it can serve as a chronology of what is going on in the adventure... of course, from Streeya's point of view. I listed here under AD&D characters on the right column.
I'm beyond hungry but can do nothing about that... Hopefully Lulu will share part of her meal with me, if she is as compassionate as usual. :P Lucinda's dog Cleo is on the edge, she's been sick for some days and will be taken to the vet this afternoon... Another pet disaster for Lucinda... I'm certain she must have eaten something poisoned meant for the cats... Her neighbors are such bastards... I wonder what would they do if their hildren were poisoned... Because animals are like children. Whoever do something bad to an animal, can do anything bad to a human.
Anyway, will drink a medicine and hope that I don't collapse into Ether.
10-4
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Happy Fathers Day!
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Meanwhile, here's a look at my favorite ride at Universal... Damn hot day as well...

Friday, June 17, 2005
So I act as I think and talk as I think and that can get messy… Lucinda calls it been passionate about my ideals… I guess she is either right or too polite… but then she is one of the few who dares oppose my point of view and yet keeps smiling when she sees me… I guess she understands my inner storms better than I know them myself… Guess she understands my imperfections and let go of them, trading them off with all the good things I am and I believe. LOL It takes twenty two years of knowing someone to accept that person as a whole with the good and the bad… Thanks Lucinda.
Getting paranoic doesn’t help either. This idea that something wicked is coming my way, from everyone around me, is not good… Feel jaded, people has failed me too often for me to keep belief anymore. What can I say… I may be good but I am no idiot, and some things I just let pass because I care… and my caring consumes me.
Whatever…
Friday… The week is over. The sickness wants to prevail, but is slowly receding. I am getting a bit better, a bit stronger… Lets hope I just survive myself.
10-4
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I feel sad, deeply sad. On the edge of feeling kinda betrayed, but since it is something I cant ever be sure of, it stays on the edge... Things not going as I expected, how strange... As always I feel hurt... Gotta take more Paxil and forget about everything at all! I wish there could be a new beginning... But a new star? In my life? At this stage? That's a big laugh... Who would like to get involved with someone like me? Gotta be someone reallly suicidal...
Forget spells... Where are they now?
10-4
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Yesterday met two very interesting guys, whom we shall name Capeman and Demo. They will be playing AD&D with Groundel and me, hopefully for more than 2 months. I definitively was blown away by all the novels they have devoured, and all the information they keep in their minds, especially Demo. It is nice if someone knows Dungeons, but it is a very rare encounter finding a person who reads the novels and puts events based on the novels events. Thats way cool. I hope that there are no misunderstandings or issues... Capeman is goofy and very amicable, extroverted, gothic oriented with a hint of sk8 and surfer, and with lots of personality. Demo is very open, aproachable and has something interesting to say all the time, he knows his worlds, his rules, and roleplays just as even Coriolis would like. I really liked this guy's attitude, and since I relate on the basis of people fearing one just because of rumors I just can't see why would anyone be afraid of him. Well... It's me speaking... I'll never be normal... LOL Whatever.
They went home around 4 and Groundel helped making their characters, and even threw a bit of game. We even got pizza... Ah! The memories! And turns out that yes they know the people we have known all this time, including Tril. LOL Close encounters of the D&D kind, guess... They stayed playing until around 1am. I will play later on, as I was sick and under medication spells and dizziness. The whole idea is truly cool. Finally, the wait for adventure pays off... :D
Today went to see the doc, get more prescriptions and then went back home. I may play the Sims for a while, not feeling like scrapbooking... Actually I'm a bit sleepy and tired... Damned T-Virus! I'll just sign off and get some rest...
10-4
Monday, June 13, 2005
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.
So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
-Corinthians 1, 1-13
Yesterday, the crew spent the whole afternoon watching movies:
National Treasure… I liked it. But then again, I was under medicines effect…
Shanghai Triad… Why,why,why? Long, so long! For that! Sniff, sniff… I almost fall asleep if not uncontious…
House of Daggers… Liked it very, very much. The bamboo sequences were really anime-like, and that was cool! The battles were beautifully choreographed.
Purple Butterfly… War-intrigue-Japanese invasion… Political, guerrilla… In the middle of the who’s who drama it was better than Shangai, but… Too long, that’s all… too damn long.
Thank God I was already in bed, because I was completely drowsy and in ether mode the whole evening. Nevertheless, thanks to Joe and LightShadow and Groundel the whole dy went away fast. They were thoughtful enough to get movies and watch them in my house instead of following the original plan of going to the movies. Not to mention that the night before, it was LightShadow & Joe who went to get my medicines and food. It’s the little things that counts. Thanks guys! You are really true friends!
Today, called work so they don’t think I abandoned them… and came here to feel a bit human while writing… Thanks to Sara for bringing the med recipe to my house, and thanks to Carlos for listening to my garbage and easing this sick days with some laughs.
Gotta go back to the shadows were I belong…
10-4
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Waiting for my finest hour
In my secret garden, I still believe after all
I still believe and I fall
You plant the seed and I'll watch it grow
I wonder when I'll start to show
I wonder if I'll ever know
Where my place is
Where my face is
I know it's in here somewhere
I just wish I knew the color of my hair
I know the answer's hiding somewhere
In my secret garden, there's
[Chorus:]
A petal that isn't torn
A heart that will not harden
A place that I can be born
In my secret garden
A rose without a thorn
A lover without scorn
If I wait for the rain to kiss me and undress me
Will I look like a fool, wet and a mess
Will I still be thirsty
Will I pass the test
And if I look for the rainbow, will I see it
Or will it pass right by
'Cause I'm not supposed to see
'Cause the blind are never free
Even at my secret garden
There's a chance that I could harden
That's why I'll keep on looking, for
[Chorus:]
A petal that isn't torn
A heart that will not harden
A place that I can be born
In my secret garden
A rose without a thorn
A lover without scorn
I still believe, I still believe
'Cause after all is said and done
I'm still alive
And the boots have come and trampled on me
And I'm still alive
'Cause the sun has kissed me, and caressed me
And I'm strong, and there's a chance
That I will grow, this I know
So I'm still looking for
[Chorus:]
A petal that isn't torn
A heart that will not harden
A place that I can be born
In my secret garden
A rose without a thorn
A lover without scorn
Somewhere in fountain blue
Lies my secret garden
-Madonna, Secret Garden
Health news: I'm still sick. But I am taking my medicines... The antibiotic is really aggressive, I just hear nothing in my right ear, but it doesnt'hurt as painfully as last night. The throat infection is still there, and the runny nose is earning the Olympic medal. Yay! Ugh... I still have body ache, and fever comes and goes, but now is countdown because of the antibiotic... I dont know if I'll be able to work tomorrow, but I should be well by Tuesday. I have been grounded within these 4 walls, logging on and off whenever I wake up... Most time in bed, since the dizzyness and the bad balance due to the ear thing wont allow me to stand... Its been BAD. Its been UGLY. But once again I shall survive so the story is not over, no sir... I hope?
Kitties news: Gotta operate Kyonne and Cyric ASAP. They are marking territory everywhere and I am pissed because of that... literally? Whatever...
Visitor: Got Popu sleeping on my couch. He's staying until tomorrow. He and LS wanted to take me to see High Tension, but I cant even get close to the door... So, Groundel rented some movies and we'll all have a movie afternoon, sort of... I know I will fall asleep somewhere between the lines... Whatever...
Havent been able to call my sister or Texas, but will during the week. Most probably by Fathers day weekend. :D
Hope to develop the pictures during this week. That should be fun to scrapbook in the weekend! :D And the house thing is still going, now under the view for approbation of Retiros big boss... keeps fingers crossed, please?
Im falling to pieces, rotting... too tired to type more... fingers collapsing...
10-4
Friday, June 10, 2005
I've been moody too. Crying for nothing... Thinking and crying... Then stop thinking and crying more... Who can understand... I don't have answers anymore. I don't know what is the best thing for me, in the long run. I don't know which road I should follow... I feel I must do something and I fear that something is too big and overwhelming... And then I cry a bit more...
I'm getting to a point where I think there is nothing more to whatever is going on... Yes, travelling is an option, but everyday shit is always the same. The more one th=ries changing it the more it must stay the same. It is difficult to realize that although you have all this big ideas and abilities, you can't do all you could do before because you are not who you were in matters of body mostly. Diabetes is a drag... And even if i try not to think about it, whenever I get sick it is a major drag because it doubles the time for healing and it makes me slower in everything. And it annoys me and makes me mad. It makes me dependent on people and I cannot allow myself to depend on noone because either no one cares or the ones that care have no brains to handle things as they should...
Call me a supreme narcissistic leader, but I feel noone else can do things as I do... I cannot trust things to people because they just dont do what they must and it causes more stress in me. I expect too much, I ask too much... I dream too much. And I love too much.
I'll work, get a house, go ahead with the business plans, go ahead be an artist... And still it all feels empty... And seems it all will keep on being empty. Being positive has not helped... I am surrounded by friends, and I feel so lonely...
And so I think, and cry... and write... and cry... and try to heal, and cry...
Thursday, June 09, 2005
10-4
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
10-4
PS... Check la historia del Mamut chiquitito... http://www.lopeor.com/bromas/mamut.asp
Anyway, after the B-Bash, went to see Tril. Incredibly, we didn't fight. That was the good news. No bad news? Now, THAT is weird... but true... LOL
On Monday, the day was long due to traffic... Had to visit San German and Yauco, and since they are fixing the highway, traffic was stopped at many points... From 10am to 3:30pm on the road... Ewww... There is a group from work that plans to take Belly Dancing classes, I might sign up... Tuuuuusssss ojos neeeeeeegrossssss! LOL Anyway, Tril called 'cause he wanted to go to develop some pics, to Borders and ToysRus, so when I got out of work I went to pick him up. Delivered him at his home by 8:30 and finally went home... Checked out some decoration books, and off to bed by 11... I was in no mood to surf the net, my eyes were hurting badly!
Today is Tuesday, Today is Tuesday! Tuesday, green beans...
Anyway... Still thinking of what I'll do today... Gotta take a break after lunch to take aunties TVs to the repairman. Need to sleep, dying here!
10-4
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Green is your Lightsaber's color.
Green is the color of nature. It symbolizes growth,
harmony, and freshness. Green has strong
emotional correspondence with safety. Green is
also commonly associated with wealth and
happiness, so someone with a green lightsaber
like yourself is a fortunate soul.
What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a
protector.
Yes, you don't like to kill people. That goes
against everything you belive in. It's not that
you are a coward, but your ideals and morals
wouldn't allow it. You are the typical hero, do
the righteous things, get the bad guys and do
it all legally. But just because you don't kill
doesn't mean you can't kick ass. And that is
what you do. You use your brain and your
strenght to do honourable deeds and protect
people you know and love. If an evil guy is
going to take over the world soon, it's you who
will get involved. You hate watching innocents
suffer, and love seeing bad people getting what
they deserve. You are probably also happy and
optimistic and work pretty good in groups. And
the friends you usually make are true ones.
Main weapon: Anything at all
Quote: "You only live once, but if
you do it right, once is enough" -Joe
Lewis
Facial expression: Smile
What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
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hug from behind - you like to feel what the other
person is feeling and see things how they see
them. you tend to be serious and emotional.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
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BEAUTIFUL ICE PRINCESS/PRINCE .You need distance
between you and your partner in your
relationship. You are very difficult to get.
You have big requirements and this one you love
must try hard to get you. But after she/he melt
your heart she/he will be the most happy person
in the world. You need someone who shows you
that you are special and it makes you feel
good to see that you are loved. She/He shall
know that you could easily get another
girl/boyfriend but you wont as long as you
love him. when she/he hurts you you will hurt
him too, but in general you dont get hurt. If
your partner cheated you ,you would react cold
and immediately (try to) forget him
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Gothic... Maybe even a bit Vampyric... Your
very sensitive, sometimes you can be outgoing
in your own population. Your sometimes Lonely,
but when your alone your much happier. If your
suicidal, it's okay, because your the kewlest
person I know!....well don't actually know you
but yeah!
Are you a Vampire/Goth/Punk/Poser/Emo/ or just a plain PREP!?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are an Enchantress, somewhat an enigma,
you would love to change the world. You hold
strong views and, would love nothing more, to
use your magic to change the world around you.
When in conversation, you listen, take on their
comments, and fantasise how you could improve
things. Quite the idealist, you think you have
all the answers, whether for right or wrong.
You hold your intellect high, and believe you
can change the world! In a relationship, you
need a partner of high intellect.
The world
and you, often seems at odds, with you
frequently seeing things from a different point
of view.
You have a connection with nature,
often stating, that things will take their
natural course. Nevertheless, secretly, you
would like to use nature to your own
ends.
Your good points are that you are
intelligent, instigative and thoughtful and
your bad points are, you can be single-minded,
misled and remorseless.
You feel that your
superior knowledge should astound everyone
around you; and you wish for respect from your
peers.
Are you a Princess, Enchantress, Faerie, Mermaid or Toad? (with pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
You need understanding.
In your life there has been many people that
could never seem too comprehend your
personality. Now you have either become an out-
cast because of their narrow minds or you have
adjusted yourself to them, and never letting
them see who you are deep inside. You now
think that no one will ever understand you and
you hate that fact. Though you are scared of
what the effects might be if you would decide
to let someone in so you keep a safe distance
that you both curse and bless.
What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla
~*~*~*~ LOVING~*~*~*~
Your loving nature makes you wonderful to be
around. You are the type of person that accepts
people for who they are and they in return of
your good heartedness, accept you right back.
You are most likely a romantic at heart. With a
sensitive soul and probably a broken heart from
the past, you don't usually trust people. You
have probably been hurt by someone you love or
loved dearly which makes it hard to confide in
others. Easy going and romantic, fun and
lovable, you have a great personality. You are
very well liked in the general world that
you're in.
Please Rate or message me! Thank you for taking my
quiz! XoXo <3 Lana
You're Beautiful...but why? ( PICS)
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You are Psalms.
Which book of the Bible are you?
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Your connection with darkness is through your
interest in vampires. Theese occult beings
fascinates you. Their lives are just something
you would kill for, and if you would have the
opportunity to be sired, you would. Living a
mortal kind of life is just so ordinary and
boring. You aren't necessarly evil just because
of this interest/obsession, you just can
connect with them and their lifestyles. Though
people have a hard time understanding this and
chances are you're a social outcast. Perhaps
you hate your life and therefor developed this
interest, to escape reality.
What is your connection with darkness? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Friday, June 03, 2005
The thing about the house is running well, so I am guessing that it all be done by the 15th… Gotta call Retiro today to check out if there are any other news. People, keep up the good vibes!
Last night LightShadow made an appearance after 9pm. Her visit was a treat. Roxy was very excited about it LOL Thanks for the bichitos! Oh, and I forgot to give you a small something, as well as I forgot to give Joe another… Well, hope he passes by soon so I can give it to you both. :)
Lucinda also made an apparition, at work, yesterday. Left me a couple of black cartulinas so I make something for Einsteins big surprise b-day party on Sun. Let’s see how that turns out, since it will be at the boy’s grandparents house… Ugh!
The phone company made a mistake and cut my line last night, but it will be restores fee-less… we’ll see about THAT. Hmm…
So… TGI Friday! Yay! I need to ponder how I will do things, when and were… Payments, moving, etc… I also need to ponder about some people…
No more news for now, stay tuned…
10-4