Saturday Update:

Slept from 9 pm Friday to 2:30pm Saturday. Sweeeeeeeeet! Damn, I didn't realize I was so tired, physically & mentally. I wanted to stay in bed, but realized I better get up as there were some things to do. Went to get a hair relaxer, did that and some of my color faded, so had to dye my hair as well without doing the roots... Thats for next week. Then called AVO, whom had been calling me from last night finding only my voice mail... SORRY ABOUT THAT! I just wanted to be disconnected from the world, literally... Needed to do some just me, me, and me stuff. Anyway, went to see my aunt, and have to take her to see my grandfather who is still at the hospital... HE got an operation on Tuesday but should be fine... Can't say he should be happy because knowing my mother and my grandmother the poor guy just cannot be happy. After that went to Sara's place and a movie was starting, about Con people, so stayed there... She cooked so got a decent meal... It was 10:30 so I decided to go home. Groundel wanted ice-cream so went to get it to make everyone happy. And finally went home, cleared some stuff from sight and logged in to the net. The day went away REALLY fast. Tomorrow must take my aunt to Bella Vista, then go visit el Calvo at night. Hopefully nothing else will stand in the way to visiting the man, damnit! :P

Missing AVO terribly. He always knows how to lift my spirits... Sometimes I think time works hand in hand with Death...

10-4

Fridays News:

So finally TGIF... Going home... falling like Blackie would say... into unconciousness... Hopefully will get a good, long, uneventful rest... RIP amen. Have missed my 5 kittens a-lot. I did get to hear sme meowing yesterday nigt, but nothing like Kali's real purrrr in my head, or Crow's evil stare, or Isis jumping over me so she eats when I eat, or Sets anoying howlings, or Groundel's constant Playstation gaming... Awwwww... My 5 kitties... :P

Yesterday night saw Betsy, unique friend from work. She got me the laptop. Sweeeeet. Also showed me the new house that she will move to next fall. Big house. Cool house. Afterwards, Coriolis took me in a long trip around Condado, San Juan and the city limits... Yes, long long talk about our midlife crisis... We are getting old, damnit. That was nice, at least cleared some points out that oughtta help us reach some important decisions... eventually... Psychologist bill will be paid by Sygourney Weaver. LOL Got to the house by 12:30, then I played a bit with setting up the laptop with my @ccount. AVO was online (how strange, huh) so we had one of those quickie chats... :P Finally got to sleep at 2:30am. Geting up was hellish! Wanted to keep on sleeping daring daylight... But duty called and as usual the lawful good answered.

So... going home at 4:30, and sleeping for a long, long, long while... Tomorrow gotta go see el Calvo... Been 3 weeks away from his house.... Yikes! Lucinda wants to go as well... His beard will fall off with the news I've got for him... :P

10-4

Thursday Blues:

Saw Frida last night, basically thanks to Coriolis insistence that I should have seen it on the movies... well, no budget at that time... Anyway... Bad idea. The paralelism with my own, although different kind of pains, is evident and certain. Her guy was a loving disease that kept reappearing throughout her life... and was a core. I definitvely related on the reappearing malady... Just like Trilogy, main protagonist of a great Greel tragedy in which following the tradition, the characters are plainly unique, controlling and out of control, with highest of ideals and greatest of flaws. The agony of truth that constantly stabs you right on daylight... I was in tears almost the whole night, thoughts both making me whole and shredding me to pieces. How is it possible to have such dualities within you? A Tribe-of-One effect, in which diverse personalities push away the one that is unfit for the right moment. Blaze, Nizzr'e and Vierna... All of them love forever yet all of them suffer intensely... And all of then loved diversely... All but Blaze... Blaze... My core. Blaze, always the eternal ghost that reminds me of the beginning of the maelstrom, of the swift hurricane that left my heart and dreams barren... Blaze... Indomitable, fierce, radical, silent... Justice with the edged steel of a blade... Compassionate justice... Blind Justice...I put all I had when I created her. She is a still image of me, who I was, what I became... The ghost that eternally seeks something, out in the endless universe...

There was a time, years ago, when family feuds were the plate of the day... And there were two houses, which hated each other due to friendship betrayed... Both houses came to have siblings, a girl... a boy... And both were so different from their houses and from the world. They both met, unaware of the fued, unaware of all the elements played around them. And they hated each other at first... But then, they gave in to a bond stronger than friendship or love... In a dark, rainy afternoon, two wrists were gashed... and as blood slowly poured from the flesh, the blood meld into each other. The pact was sealed. A secret pact, an innocent plea swore to each other, as they were their own gods... a young goddess, a young god... An oath, of faith and loyalty before all... A marriage, understood by both... Forever... Their secret... Their mistery... And nothing else would matter as minutes, hours, days and weeks passed by... Months and years... Tidal waves and turmoils would separate them... leaving wounded bodies, wounded hearts and wounded spirits... But the essence of the unnatural union would defy any ods... The will to keep the greatest of oaths would fuel an eternal quest of longing and belonging, faith and trust, conflict and knowledge. Love enslaved them turning obsession into a sweet and sour boundary. So gods fade as no worshippers call them... but they fade into one. They became dorment children feeding on dreams, tied up by fears, loss and memoirs... A boy and a girl... Innocence shattered by human life, clashing souls that fed from each other, grew with each other, choked each other, and live on always searching and reaching out to each other and never touching... "But although they cannot be together, they will never, ever, be appart."

And all these thoughts collide as one life passes by my eyes, thanks to the wonders of cinema magic... a story of someone who lived pain and survived... Different wounds, different sources, but same greatest pain of all... A husband that never was one, loyalty betrayed and an obsession that will forever be an eternal flame. Last night I cried in his honor... Guess that tears will never stop fueling the river of our shared eternity in solitude... My heart still beats after all... And somehow, although that means something... it also means I sink myself deeper in desperation, frustration, sorrow and pain. I wish this could end... I wish 13 years could be erased from my mind forever so I could go on without so many doubts and so much uncertainty... I am a gambit. I am a Pandora box that holds hope trapped in the abyss, and that each time that the box opens Hope jumps over me slashing me, stabbing me with killer claws. I am the most terrible gambit anyone can ever try to have... I am a monster molded by past and present. I am a chain reaction that cannot be stopped and that is so deadly... Where's logic when you need it? Reason? I honestly try my best to control emotions for that reason... My true nature is completely irrational and completely ruled by emotions. I am too chaotic for my own good, and that's how I end up unwillingly hurting those I care for... I am tired of that fact. I hate being my true self because it means feeling everything for everyone around me, without regrets... I never regret. In my mind I am so rightful I just cannot regret... Everythig I do is with my heart in my hands... I just wish things were simple. I wish I could go back to a time where the only ongoing worry was about who was going to throw game next... and where good was good, evil ws evil, and innocense was innocense. I have deep desires and longing, but beyond wickedness and my sick little mind what I want more than anything is to get that same innocense that I tasted and enjoyed for long... That is what makes things different. That is the spice for the eternal quest... That is the foundation of a beautiful dream... and the recipe for immortality. I believe in innocense. I believe there must be a Unicorn roaming free around the Universe... Puzzling me... Chaotic me... Nothing is enough... I am in a constant struggle that won't let go of me. I count the hours of the night, the days as tey pass, and the struggle keeps there, consuming me... I couldn't care less about success... As I am a failure in what I value most. I roam through Dreamland as a spectre... I pity those who encounter me and dare to defy me... I am nothing but a ravaged ghost. I used to be so beautiful... such a shiny paladin... I lost my status a long time ago, and dare not acknowledge it... How to find the way? How to win it back? How to breathe again? This is just how I feel... just thoughts in my random mind that at all times gives in to chance... And this is just what another tortured soul has found and fallen in love with... How can you love me? I feel I am so empty, so devoid of life... Yet you find me inspiring... And you wonder why you scare me? Don't get me wrong, I do feel deeply and I do find myself lost in your dark maze... but these thoughts keep flailing at me just when I start to give up on them... And it drives me mad, insane... And it makes me so sad... And scared... And then you talk of trust and of dreams that are so tasty... And I get lost...

10-4

So new news for the blog... This I actually wrote on Wed but couldn't post as I have been Internet impaired...

School: Know no shit of what is going on, if something is going on... I just know one thing: Art will always be my first love but I also need to get some security in life that perhaps I just won't get following the animation thinguie that I am following... I won't give up yet, although I know that the stupid class that just ended will lower my perfect score of 4.00... Completely unfair... But will give it a chance through Fall. I will make the final decision in Fall... Next course is Color Theory followed by 3D animation studio... That one I want to take... So... I will just wait and see. After that course I should then make a decision. Anyway, I will try applying for doctorate on the local UIA at SanGerman, Inter-regional and International Business. Need to get 3 letters of recommendation, gotta use the 3 proffesors: Leonora, Dafne and maybe the one for International Business? Will see what I'll do. I'll also need to apply for tudent loans for that... I think I can make it... Both things at the same time may be a no-no. Perhaps I should just get a associate degree on animation, that's what I'm thinking of doing... I am suicidal anyhow... If classes get better then I will stick to them, but I will definitively try to get into the doctor's program... It will broaden my possibilities for a job requiring less physical strain...

Work: Talking about physical strain... This sucks. No internet access, no floppy... I am on training this week... Windows 2K Server and Workstation... Fine tuning the skills that I already have. Been with Morpheus must of the time, fuzzy Dreamland... But it's turning out fine. Not talking with many, but just the right amount. SAY CHEEEEEESE! :D The talking has made up my will and now I'm in the warrioress mode to get my permanency. Got to write to the general administrator of the agency, got to contact the Ethics Department of Gov, and got to call HR for a refresh on the status. Next week I need to keep on the Inventory, finish it up and send a nice report. Plus the big Aguadilla move shall be the talk of the day, after all... it IS the Big Move! Damn... I already told my dearly beloved boss that I will gladly supervise but that I cannot move anything (doctor's orders). And they wil be giving me a new laptop, thank you... LOL WinXP... Oh, the complete experience... ;) Hopefully THAT will be good.

People: Well... Lots of female bonding with Alexia... LOL Ok... So Coriolis is having fun... at my expense? Last night (well, the whole week as a matter of fact) called him, wited for him... waited... waited... waited more... So the neighboor from the front side of the street asked me to go into her house to wait since it was 11:30 and the streets were empty and desolated... Dangerous? Ah... Yeah, I had been sitting in the step next to the friggin door with one hand on the cell th other trying to stop my head from falling since I was friggin tired... So... The lady get me water... WATER! WATER! And actually she has a nice house, all her decoration in red, red furniture, red curtains... Loved the place... BIG tv! and then Coriolis called... I peeked at the balcony and saw him on his balcony next door, his face crackling in the floor. LOL THAT was something alright! So, the lady escorted me outside and set me free...
< Dark Lady laughed and danced and lit the candles one by one, danced to the gypsy music until the moon was gone... >

Anyway... Coriolis was quite embarassed... Of course he forgot about me! He went to the gym, and then to his love nest... While I was out in te cold night, pale from hunger and eye sockets empty as my eyes had rolled down the street and had almost been eaten by a dog, thank you. So... The night was exciting, huh? Well, I am jst telling the further, the last breath of the day news... for there were many more exciting moments before this absolutely depressing moment in time... Yes, after school time the girl met the boy and they went out for dinner. The way was a riot, at AVO expense. He was mad, friggin upset, and trying to keep in check so he wouldn't snap at me... LOL I was just asking him to scream. Why not? Screaming is good. Then came a Shout speech based on Depeche Mode. Go figure. :P So... Some crazy talk about Dark Times on MoneyPit Land, where Green Moneus is getting back at the few creatures of the human race that would do anything to get him... So... He asks all his minions, incidentally called The Bills, to stalk us to death... Long story short: Yes, we are broke. So... We kinda have to keep a VERY tight budget to make sure that our silent killer doesnt surprise us... We must eat... So other pleasures must be halted. Damn. But hey, birds keep flying, life goes on and I still want my MTV. So... We went to my favorite nice restaurant expensive place for gathering... Am I talkative today or what? I got my medium rare... bloody sweet... vampiric delight... with beloved onion rings... yup, onions not garlic, Bub. So, after that we went to play with the Sims but the game was not too in depth... Finally grasped that instrument of pure lightning speed pleasure... a laptop with DSL. After... OMG! 29 hours of Internet deprivation! Ah, nothing like viewing yunk mail, even that felt so right! LOL Techie gigs... I have been assimilated by technology, I know... but I wont accept, I wont! AVO was just changing his diapers (long story) LOL We went for ice cream, I had the urge! Yup, I really had the friggin urge! This place is so friggin hot! I just hate it! Ok, ranting is over... And then said farewell , and went to see Coriolis... And the rest I already wrote... Yesterday was a very draining day...

Today... training... The day is going so fast I need to stop before hitting the crystal doors! :P It has been ok, no time to think, started out as a very sleepy tiresome morning, but the little rendevouz at the office woke me up. Then running to get in time, the excitement of not getting lost... And food at breaks, and nice talk at midday, and now looking up for the second dinner... break... LOL I am so friggin thirsty! The Neverending Thirst! Have heard nothing from Sara, some from Groundel, plenty from Coriolis and High Court talk with AVO... My grandfather is still at the hospital. My aunt as bitchy as usual. :)

Feelings: Rage, fury, sweet, outrage, sadness, loneliness, love, compassion, faith, will, searching, needing, believing, trusting, waiting, aiming, bringing, giving, taking, wishing, missing, playing, laughing, crying, poetic, silent, absolutely no regrets.

10-4

Been blue, blue, blue... depressed and blue... sad and blue... stressed and blue...

AVO coming over to my little hometown tomorrow. Yey! At least one thing that is not so sad, amen. :D

Groundel has been a good sport on every sense. He's been helping a lot and being supportive despite of his personal feelings. That shows some character.

Trilogy is a sweet demonic entity that lurks all the time and bring me to tears as a sport... Forever can be an equation of never sometimes... Still, a wound that won't stop bleeding... Words that will never be heard from his mouth... Some other life perhaps... My greatest love... My greatest dissappointment...

Coriolis on happy hunting grounds... Angry hunting grounds... LOL Well... Karma... It always gets you.

Lucinda has been spooked by some little things, but managing ok.

Me... surviving, holding on to present, trying to forgive, trying to forget, trying to move on, trying to live in my greatest death...

10-4

The weekend went so-so. Saturday was long and fast, Sunday was pretty uneventful despite assignment creation and visiting grandpa. Yup, forgot to call my father... Will try to remember tonight...

AVO has been sleepless in Carolina... That one is gonna get it if he doesn't rest. YOU HAVE A HUMAN SIDE! DO NOT FORGET IT! THOU SHALL REST! Working, driving and creating Internet stuff is great, but you will eventually get fried and fall unconcious IF you do not rest. You need to take care of that. Diabetics MUST rest! Either that or you'll have a drugged look with a permanency spell cast on it, plus you will eventually dissolve in thin air just like Andersen's Little Siren. Besides, flaming Divas MUST have a beauty sleep. Kapish?

Groundel has been on mood tidings, either being really upset or being really fatherly. LOL Seems only two people can communicate with Einstein: his mom and Groundel. Oh, well... You know how it is, sometimes you just don't need to have children to be a father... sort of. ;) He gave Einstein those Hulk punch-hands, an instant hit. I gave Einstein a video game, car racing of course... He mostly got movie videos... I don't get it. People don't actually bother to find out what he really wanted... No wonder he likes us. :D

Lucinda seems now more confident about herself... Ever since she got the stripes on her hair she's been getting compliments from men. I told her she looked younger, so there. Her hubby and family ain't happy about it... Of course... They just want a housemaid that works and takes care of children 24/7 and has no seconds to waste on herself. I think finally Lucinda is getting the right picture of things...

The other one, LadyMexico, is a lost case. I wished she would give in to a makeover or something. She has a "being professional" syndrome that goes to old times... She looks like she is 50 something, THAT bad. But I am tired of saying anything; I end up with the "I don't understand" speech joined by the "Being unprofessional" speech. I try not to give up but hey... Some things are just and plainly hopeless.

School: Entering week six of the stupid Digi-manipulation class... final week. Been working on the final project to see if I post it Wed or Thu. Yup, just want to get it over with...

Work: This week I'll be doing inventory and upgrades to both regions, so that should be interesting...

Overall mood: Tired, contemplating life, mystical forces, plenty of mantras... Quiet... Thoughtful... Clashing thoughts... Living contradiction... A mix of happiness and sadness keeps a knot in my throat. Love, hate, mistrust, and everything pretty... Missing... Keeping a smile in my face and Rainbow Brite in my heart...

THAT"S ENOUGH!

Ok, so its either the stupid computer that has a virus and I have not detected, or is the stupid ISP that just wants to suck more money by creating nuisances... Grrrr... I am alive...
Yesterday was Einsteins birthday. Nice little celebration. Fun. :)
Today, been doing my late assignments... Without explanations. I'm done with them. It was so anoyying trying to login and getting offline each 2 minutes...
Bought Animatrix. Cool flick.
Nothing of interest... Have to call daddy tonight... If I remember... :O LOL Yup, thats me alright. ;)

10-4

Met Coriolis at Suncoast. Smart-ass remarks about my hair, hah! But I got vengueance on that! We had a riot at the mall. It's good to see that time matters not among good friends. It was just like hanging out with the college brat I knew a long time ago. If I was hyper, and i was, then I kinda got him hyper in return... Two hyper people are enough to make parental advisories... Red Alert! :D Ah, some stories we tell... We went to giftwrap the gift for his father, and the poor girl was baffled at first not knowing what to do... call the police or laugh... Then we were plainly making wise remarks and laughing so much she had to join... Ah, we won't share the drug, sorry, top secret. :) It was funny she said" My, you too really belong to one another, we both answered suddenly very seriously: No!. LOL No. The girl went red... She didnt expect that. Ah, we were just too gay last night. ;) After that episode, and a wasted attempt to get a PS2 game for the little brother I followed Coriolis to leave my car at his house. Got a call from the AVO, lighting up my night even further... Another funny thing, after we get there he asks me if I coud recall the way in the morning and I was like, Duh! Like, I've been coming here for more than8 years now... LOL He even asked me if I recalled his mother... LOL Riiiiiiight.... Like I would just forget about Eli. So, we went to Fudrockers at Condado... Liked the deco a la rock star... used to the one in Carolina with the Western theme. turned out one of his cousins works there, So although he turned red several times (ah, family!) she smuggled some extras for us. :D Cool. From there to home to sleep. Oh, discovered an anime series on Cartoon Network, about a halfdemon and a half undead... whatever. Lookes cool... Grrr I have no cable... Hate being on the jungle... Grrrr... Then out of service until the morning. :P
So, today I wakened at 5:38, scared to death because I heard something and as I opened my eyes I saw this black figure in the entrance, like reaching some cables or something... a la Hellraiser? LOL Muted scream. Then I was friggin mutie laughing... Corioles was looking like what the? Oh, me and my vivid imagination... Like spawns from Hell will actually visit me in the morning... Ahhhh... Ok... So after that I couldn't sleep. Groundel called at 6:30 to say hi and wake me up, and then I ran to get food... FOOOD! LOL Over with that adventure... back in training room. Waiting for midday, so I met the AVO for lunch.
Sometimes life IS sweet.
10-4

Well... Seems this is Day 3 of the Oracle training week... Not as bad as I thought. I am actually learning something. ;) Stayed on Mon & Tue with AVO, and will probably stay tonight and tomorrow with Coriolis. Ah, I expect a demo on Everquest online tonight. I may get to rent Blood Rayne tomorrow just for the fun of it... :D
So... Status with AVO: Blissful for now. It's been better than I expected, and it all seems to be both deep and true. Hopefully the shining star won't vanish but will keep on sending its light towards the infinite... :O I feel like walking within the Stargate or something... All these blurry ideas and ghostly imges surrounding the giantic vortex that tunnels into unknown territory... No sounds or images of what lies ahead. Hope can only guide... Faith is encouraging and trust... well... trust I know I have but knowing and feeling are 2 different things. My mind trusts, but my feelings betray me. Just as stepping deeper into the Dark Side of the Force, sort of... Many uncertainties haunting, many questions that still cannot be asked since they are amorphous although substantial... I trust enough to be truthful, the rest will be written by history as it's made...

Yesterday I laughed a lot. I was ligthearted and plainly anoyying. Me and my natural drug... LOL Well... Today back to serious mode. ;) For a little while, though...

10-4

Ok, slow long long day. Went to the mall, went to my aunt's and did some floral deco over there... Hmmm... Got a call, my grandpa is in the hospital, doesn't look good. My aunt is histerical about it (her brother). So... Came back home, got my things ready for the long field trip to San Juan... A whole week at the capital, hurray hurray. Don't get me wrong, there are high points to this... (yup, very high points like seeing my beloved AVO) but it is bad in the sense that I know by Friday I'll be a walking zombie... I just cannot sleep well without my cats, and the fast lanes just stress me up... Ah, enough whinning... Now the lottery will be where I'll stay over there. LOL at least got 2 days sorted, the other 2 are a gambit. We'll see where the suspense and the adventure leads...

The training is on Oracle SQL, so it just WON"T be fun. I HATE programming... Did I made myself clear? It seems NO ONE gets I HATE programming. But... Ok, I know... I can do it. I have done it before. I just hate it. Then again... I hate being a technician, and I hate administering systems and I hate cabling systems... But I handle things and paydays are happy moments (that fade fast). I need another job. But it is just plain convenient to stay within gov parameters while I stay in PR... After a few months of hazzards the offices will be stable and I know I'll be doing more enjoyable stuff... I keep faith on that... Who knew?

Groundel bought Resident Evil2. Looks good!

Oh, kinda disturbed the sleep of the AVO this morning... LOL Cannot help it. I just need to hear his voice even if briefly...

School: Made the prof happy and posted the plagiarism report he wanted... extra work, hopefully will equal points added to my overall grade, which he has screwed willingly? Ah... Why I keep up with this? Oh, yeah... 2 more weeks... Just 2 more weeks... Next courses are Color Theory and 3D animation (alas!)... so I better complete this one... The joys of student financial assistance...

And that's the news for now... I'm in a so-so mood, not too happy, not too sad, feeling like laughing and crying... Knot in my throat... I hope things get better with my grandpa... Anyway... I'll just try and retreat to my cave, slumber in deep reverie...

10-4

Hmmmm... nothing like some sugar to start the day... LOL

The day was ok. Not fireworks, but calm and easy going. Lucinda appeared so I would streak/dye her hair in blue... Ah, that was something. The bleach did not work, the blue vanished and we just had some good laughs. She got the chance to loose her chat virginity with AVO, ah, THAT was something! :P As she had to go pick up her kids, went with Groundel to get some food. Lucinda agreed to see Finding Nemo, but as we got there the tickets were sold out... Sooo... She took little Einstein and Barbie to the local Bowling place while I went to Walgreens to secretly plot a second strike on her hair. Got new bleach and appeared at the Bowling place to convince her... As i got home, got a call from AVO that lifted my spirits and waited until she arrived. The kids were a riot but finally surrendered to Fantasia2000. Made 6 big streaks of bleach on her hair, and guess what? Success! That was something. She was really happy about it. Wanted to dye it red but had none left, so perhaps tomorrow or next week that will be the hunt... but anyway, the streaks somehow did wonders to her. She looks updated. And very , very sassy. She looked happy, so I guess the effort paid off. Amen.

Groundel seems ok with everything, although now he's got a knack for annoying remarks about everything that has to do with me... Ah, well, as long as he doesn't turn green and breaks the entrance I guess everything is at least... calm? We do have our share of laughter, but I get the gloomy cloud above him. The vibrations are not so good. I feel so bad about that... But I just could not keep going in my endless circles. I made a promise a long time ago that I would look after him, and I am to do so. I know that I am the only one that gives a damn about what happens to him. It just gets a bit ackward sometimes, especially when he just jokes and jokes nonstop just to keep his mind away from doing-saying anything stupid to me. Ah, I know too much sometimes. Hate the witch in me.

Trilogy has not appeared with my characters, damnit! I want my Blaze, Deirdre, Hale and Amlurith! I demand them! I claim them! Grrr... LOL Well... I guess that one was a bit affected by my cold tone yesterday... He called and has this flair about important him... What the fuck? I just let him talk and talk and talk... I kinda got on his nerves with my saying nothing or saying nothing against what he was talking about. He has this fantasy that I will get upset and beat this girl that wants to play in his new gaming group. He says I just cannot stand other women around me, and that I"ll just be myself... Ohhh... Yes. He knows me so deeply... More pity for him. It's been years I've gone over that issue. It was not my fault that he literally surrounded himself with bitches who wanted to mess with me... literally... I am not to kick and punch without any provocation. I only react when something is an inmediate hazzard to me. My reality is zillions away from his. I found that funny, laughed, and then he was offended... Geez! Lighten up, man! If I laugh is the same as if I cried, with him. There must be an ultimate motive underneath all my act, that's his thinking. Ok... I do have ultimate motives... but they are quite on the surface. He's just too full of shit to acknowledge. I know. I won't even bother. I can just laugh at it and ignore. It's best. The more you move shit, the more it stinks. So... Enough said about that.

My sister is finally talking to me. Amen!

And AVO has just been himself all the time, 24/7, no holds barred. Looking forward to see him on Monday...Yes, a 5 day training in the capital equals seen him 5 times in just one week. Ah, the things most people take for granted! Just seeing someone daily, being there for 8 hours to talk to, to be comfy with, to share intelligent conversation or to simply share... People take for granted all the things we are savoring so slowly...

Oh, last night painted the 3 deco-thinguies for my aunt's bath... copper-clay and black, tied some sissal rope to add a rustic touch finishing. Also painted 3 butterflies on iridescent colors and glazed with some fairy dust... They look better than what I expected! Ah, I just cannot loose artsy me...

Hmm... scanning for the class, painting, talking, writing, dying hair, hunting for stuff... And I find myself saying I am bored? Geez, I need to get a life! Smell the coffee... Take long baths... LOL

10-4

Wanted to say this…

It does not matter how the wind blew the butterfly towards me,
What matters is… it did
And the lonely stranger brought beauty to my garden
Colors, music, and happiness by will.

Fear not the naked beauty of flowers,
Fear not the blinding light of truth…
What throw shadows and mesmerizes
Can never be a mistaken root.

For day and night brings everyday,
Stormy weathers and misty rain…
But the important thing is all that lay
after the season’s change of dream.

Be contempt and free, my butterfly,
Insanely hovering over me,
Bring all the scars to heal, no shame,
So I may heal your pains with glee.

I see… Misunderstanding and Beauty.
I learn… Trust and Faith
I feel… Happiness and Loss
I wish… For True Love. Fate?

Missing you...

10-4

Ok, so now I will put candles around a paper with the word Chiropractor written in big bold letters. Wow. That was amazing! Incredible! Almost orgasmic! LOL Ok, not that exhilarating but, wow. Magical. Three big snaps and the neck is moving. Seems the trapecius was pinched badly, causing the neck to ear pain. The sore throat is still there, but I can manage with lemon-ginger teas. :P My, I feel better.

Just arriving home and got a call from a contract company at US. They work for a computer industry in Aguadilla, had contacted me back in December and were giving a browse to see if I was interested. Ah... 20fixed+ hrs weekly, $23,00 a year. Tempting, especially since I feel so stale at wrk, and unappreciated... But they have no medical insurance coverage... A bummer giving my case... Diabetes takes money with it, and with all the things going on with me that is an issue... Must evaluate everything by Monday. Will see about that one...Another change... ? LOL I don't know... Aguadilla is still far from my current asylum... My current job has me so pissed, but the upcoming training will be a resume booster, and I will have some xp with webdesign... so that's a tough choice...Being happier but doing the same in private business and having more free time, OR being unhappy but getting xp so later on when I move to the states I get a decent job. Hmmm... Seems the choice is made? No glory without sacrifice... Still, I'll give it a thought.

School: Same. No words yet. Things that makes u go hmmm...

Nothing else really matters but one fact... I may be screwed but I wouldn't care any less. As long as the AVO is around, life is good fair enough for this goddess. I just wished I could find a job and move over to his hometown so distance would not be laughing in our face... Time... But I just miss those dark eyes so much!

Better take my medicine and keep working on assignments... Keeping busy is always a remedy, at least for strangling time itself. :P I cannot say I have time to waste... but I do know I have eternity for every little thing I want to do. :) The immortal has spoken. :)

10-4

I couldn't go to work today. I am offbalanced. Got a high fever and a sore throat... Just great. And it seems I got an infection in my right ear, hurts from there to the base of my neck...Seeing pink bunnies running around my bedroom. LOL Will try and go see a doc in the afternoon... I can't get sick now! Ah, I knew... All this rain had to do it... And the Aguadila region is a sick building so this ain't new news...
Big spider ain't appearing again. I think the cats took care of it. Hope so, or everyone will hear my scream.
Got to send some payments and so, saying my farewells to the check... bohooo bohooo... ;)
But everything is alright after all... Make a wild guess why. ;P

10-4

I am so tired! Couldn't sleep at all last night, trying to put together so many different pieces... I feel completely free now, completely at peace. Went to see Trilogy before heading to the chiropractor. The outside intension was simply that he would go with me since I was feeling a bit dizzy... But the inner intension was more serious. I wanted to test myself so I would be certain of what i am doing... of my newest choices. My! I was in for a big surprise. Sort of... There was the usual mess in his house, his grandparents and his father. And he seemed happy to see me. But something is definitively changed inside of me. Since the time was measured I just talked a little, and just went to the chiropractor alone. I live on memories and the house is a time capsule. But I am changed. I am not the raging youth that was a rebel to the bone and that wanted death before anything else. And I am not the raging youth that hated more than loved, and that simply believed in a dream just because... I won't ever accept less than what I deserve. I felt pity... of all things... Pity on him, on how he has let time kill his life and dreams... And pity at me, for waiting aimlessly for someone that in theory loves me but in practice only humilliated and took advantage of me, willingly or not. So I was as cold as ice, as bitchy cold as I can be, and it was not because I wanted but because I felt that way... It was all pity? No. But right now it is. I felt everything for nothing, so now I feel nothing for everything. With him. For him. It is sad. I gave my life for him... with him... But the fire consumed both. The difference is, I am a phoenix. It took a long time... But I am reborn.
Reborn.
Free. Free to fly to any Heaven I chose, not even the Universe a limit... No limits. A lonely flight? Not quite. As an old tale said, changes and flight... always higher... always looking for perfection... always unique...
Reborn. And in this birth just finding out the zest of life, the intoxication of depht, the enchantment of true love.
Yes, I said that...
Am I wrong?
It doesn't matter. I am eternal. I need to find my soulmate in every life... And there are many. I was lucky to find one that filled my past but must still learn some lessons... Now... Luck strikes back and plays with my fooloshness, granting me a precious gift once more...
Forever?
Maybe.
May not.
Another phoenix traces my flight, and its beauty haunts me every day and night.
Forever?
We'll see.
Share my flight, burn with me. Flames should not consume us, but feed us. My equal. My inspiration.
May this be an eternal flame...

Ok... So... Back to how I feel... Part of me deeply sad, part of me relieved... Part of me revived... All of me in love. I am finding the energy to go on and try to conquer the world... One last time... I'll hold on to some dreams for a little while, but others stay in the past. Pieces of the puzzle are falling into place... Given time... Given faith...

I'll give faith. I'll believe. No regrets. No holding back. Just scream it louder than anything else. Jo, thank you for restoring my self... my true self. Take my last breath if I am to die. :)

So, after that vision of perfection... LOL Last night had a long talk with Groundel. He'll try to apply elvish rules to his orcish nature, he must, as he is officially part of the elvish family. No more orcish outrage will be accepted, ok? :P

Got a call from school, so I'll give it one last shot. The counselor convinced me with that: Only 2 more weeks, just post and get it over with. LOL She knows me. I am too transparent. :P

Work: travel-travel-travel-plenty to do. Yesterday was finishing loose ends in Aguadilla. Must go today to SanGermán and tomorrow stay in the office for a while. My 2nd chiro-date is tomorrow's afternoon.

Not bored at all. I'm so tired and so sleepy... But quoting someone who will be famous soon enough, "I'll sleep when I'm dead".

10-4

Well... Froggy jumped all over the stage that day...
LOL
Kidding...

What's been going on? Nothing. Just nothing. Absolutely nothing. The greatest nothing... A boything/girlthing that has a real thing going on and happy thoughts to spare. This is where boy shows girl that there are many choices in the world, many roads and many vines, but as long as truth remains your ally and faith stands looking to your eyes, miracles do happen. And she dared not to believe... And she dared to try and look away... Little missy, you are trapped, forever!

What is passion but a fleeting feeling that surrenders itself to the fickle tidal wave of time?
What is lust but a second of eruption and a lifetime of emptyness?
What is a word but a sly knife that plunders your soul and ravages your heart?
What is a touch but a sensation of warmth that soon gets cold and far...
What is a promise but a swift desire of good will that turns to hate in the midst of deception?
Passion, lust, word, touch and promise... What are they without faith, love and truth?
Faith to simply believe as blind as justice and as innocent as a child...
Love... to give everything willingly, just because. No regrets.
Truth... so true freedom fills your soul in every action, in every breath.

The girl watches as the demon approaches and offers his riches... The treasure so tempting, so alluring... The girl nods... She thinks she's gonna like this... And so the demon takes her hand and both vanish into the abyss...

What the...? Here, quoting my great counselor Kermit... Words of Wisdom:

Life's like a movie
Make your own ending
Keep believing
Keep pretending...

And then your dreams
will come true
with just the lovers
the dreamers
and you.

Ok, so I am getting fed up with the plagerism issue... Again... This is, like, week 4 of the same shit. I am not redoing/answering anything else. He wants to take me to the academic director, be my guest. I am tired of working my ass off for this... I was thinking of getting off the program, well, let's see if they don't do it for me. I have this kind of luck always. Damn, got a curse or something, someone casting the Evil Eye on me? This is pathethic! At this time, I am doing nothing more that trying to just slow my pace, not blowing out since then it will be difficult to clean the messy brains from the pc screen... Every night I must get upset. It is written in blood... I shall not be at peace... I shall be disrupted... Anytime, anyplace. The leaf that goes with the wind is tired, very very tired.

Been asking Groundel to back off a bit. I am tired of being stalked so much... Always watching what I do, what I write, who I call, how many steps it takes me to go to the fridge... Damn... Back off! So now he's mad at that. Oh, how strange... Fuck it.

Tomorrow I've got this techie meeting at the capital... Let's see if I gat some sleep and don't end up under a truck's tire... I am so, so mad...
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