Trilogy called on Saturday afternoon. He was asking what I was gonna do. Then he starts demanding as usual… I cannot handle more arguments with him. I asked him to call Coriolis, my “attorney”. Convinced him to do so, even if he was reluctant. Why call Coriolis? Because he is the only one grounded enough and sane enough to get the truth out of anyone without becoming biased. And Coriolis knows me inside out-upside down. Coriolis knows how-why-when I think or do things, he has paid attention to ME always, he has ALWAYS been there as the truest friend only an elf can be… Watching… Gathering information… Yup, that’s Coriolis… My psychiatrist, counselor, mentor, guidance, advisor, navigator… So… Trilogy called Coriolis and in the evening Coriolis called me. He said Trilogy was being truthful, and that his demands made sense
I told Groundel about the whole thing, he was mad, went out to take a 2-hour walk, came back… The silent one as usual. What is going on in his mind, a great mistery. Yesterday he was acting as if nothing happenned… Hello? So, I get no input, no data, no words from him… And it’s driving me crazy… My choice…
I don’t know what to do. The wedding is 4 weeks away, and I have the invitations in my car. I still have not sent them, because I am not sure if this is the right choice. I am not sure if I want to witness Groundel’s attitude for the rest of my life, and I am not sure that I can take more of his taking me for granted… He may love me, but he has a funny way of showing it… and I am feeling nothing from that love. All the things that has happenned during these 7 years we have been together has tested and trialed the love I have, and honestly I no longer know if I have any love left for him. I care deeply, but the deep meaning of love goes beyond time and place… I feel Groundel and me can be the best of friends, but as a couple, we suck. I think a couple should share 90% of thoughts and actions, and should know each other well, and have daily details with one another. But Groundel and me, the “air” of drama is not a love affair, mostly is a fight about his passion for video games or dungeons… And don get me wrong, I LOVE dungeons but… BUT… I should not be third place to games and dungeons. I should be first place to anything at all… And all this time I have been 3rd place, is that going to change just because God bless us and we sign a paper?
Then there’s Trilogy. My first love. My true love. My soulmate. The apple of my eye. The one I waited for, for 15 years… The one that has wasted his life doing nothing productive, following the crowd and not-so-friendly friends… Now he wants me seriously. He started studying by his own will, and he wants to marry me. So he says. And when we talk in the phone or in person there is this neverending charm in the air… overwhelming spell that won’t fade away… I KNOW he loves me, I KNOW he want’s to be with me, I KNOW we made each other so many promises that even throughout the years won’t die… But… There’s always the but. With him I was second place to the crowd, to his friends… Will that change now? Has he learned his lesson? How can I trust his word, when so many times it has been full of hollow promises? I don’t know if I should give him one last chance, for the 20th time… I don’t know if we are worth the trouble… I feel his presence fills my heart, and we have the rapport that Groundel and I will never have… but is it worth throwing away all these last years even if they have NOT been peachy or perfect?
With Groundel I have grown, like it or not. I became the responsible monster, the working freak, the demanding bitch. In the sense of being responsible for other people, for running a house, for having fized and variable expenses every month… We have gone through very very VERY bad times, and survived the rapids… barely… The biggest problem is the matter about trust… Trust was broken, and it is almost impossible to mend it. I have tried, honestly, but no matter how much I try I just cannot forget. And that doesn’t help to mend the other situations… After the BIG FALL, Groundel has tried to straighten up his life, devoting himself to working and studying… He will graduate next year. He’s working his ass off at the warehouse he’s at, hopefully he can get something better when he graduates… I acknowledge that he tries his best, and that so many times it is because of his attitude that things go wrong… He is a natural born pessimist, natural born grumpy anarchist, silent as a rock, stubborn as myself, and with a bad temper that skyrockets whenever anyone looks at him with a serious glance. He takes offense in the slightest joke, he puts himself down all the time, and he thinks he is not enough for me… He loves me, but he doesn’t know how to show it. He’s not about roses or poems or details, or saying I’m beautiful or any of that crap… He’s about getting up early to put fresh bread and fresh milk in my table, and about cleaning the kitty litter and taking out the trash without me asking for it. Love is not something he talks about or shows… He’s about knowing he do, and going on with daily life. And that may be great for some… But not for me. I’m a goddess and I need worship… or I die. I have told him in so many languages… But he still doesn’t get it. And four weeks from our wedding it is scary… He has not get it on 7 years, will he get it now? I honestly think he won’t. He promised so many times to change, but the problem is he is naturally un-friendly, naturally non-detail-oriented, naturally detail-impaired… So what to do about it? I know by now acceptance is no remedy because I get cranky, then mad…
Trilogy makes me mad with his follow-the-crowd attitude… His friends and family hate me. We grew up together, and we allow each other’s thorns to hurt each other’s life. He can hate each other’s guts with the same passion we love each other… The world may fall to pieces, but when we hold each other the world stops and it is all right. Just a hug has such an effect. We are opposites in many things, yet we have some common ground that bonds us… Our fights have been memorable, but our love has been transcending… I just wish that for once he would fight for me… But following his line of though he won’t disrespect Groundel or me. He doesn’t get that I need motivation to act in his favor, I have been after him for more than 10 years, and he has never demonstrated his will to be with me… Now is the time… Now before I say “I do” to someone else… And he still sits and says that it is my call…
I’ve been told I should just change the date of the wedding… I just think that won’t solve the problem. So I change the date, then what? Same old discussion when the new date arrives… The only sensible thing about changing the date is that I would have the money to do things myself, right now I am still counting on my mother to give me something and I don’t know if she will… So maybe changing for March or April is not such a bad idea. I stop paying my car in Nov, so I can raise the money for the big payments… And nothing else would be lost… The thing is the people coming from the states, that already bought the plane tickets. They cannot change them… So I don’t know… I even thought that I could marry Trilogy in a civil wedding so I can take advantage of my father’s travelling here… but I don’t know… I truly want a catholic ceremony… At least I am certain of that detail…
Did I mention it is a no-win situation?
10-4
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