Important decisions are never easy. I weight good versus bad, time versus tears, promises versus actions... It all ends in the same place. I do not want to marry. I thought I did, a year ago... but things have not improved as I expected, and love is almost absent. I say almost, because to have the patience I've had and to do the things I've done I must definitively love even if it's not a passionate storm... It saddens me inmensily, but I need to put myself first even if this is the first time I do so in so many years. I need to go home, like it or not. I need to heal some old wounds, like it or not. I need to take my children with me, and let them help me heal. I cannot just open another door because I feel like it... Whatever is to be, will be. But right now I need ME time, I need to be alone.

I cried today, as always the One makes me cry. He thoughtlessly throws daggers at me without stopping to think that I do feel, that I am doing things for him even if it doesn't seem like it... I need words of encouragement and hope, not bitterness and spurn. Why is that so hard to understand or accept? I need strenght for being me, as I've given all my strenght helping others. I need kindness and whispers, no more fighting... no more questions or doubts... I need a quiet retreat, to breath, to hear my own heart beating... I need rest and calmness and quietness... Give me shelter, soothe my spirit... But do not put more hatred or madness into the cauldron... It's all driving me mad... It's all so insane! Why can't anyone see I am crystal clear... I have nothing to hide, but so much to give! Why is it that I am so easily missunderstood at all times?

The phoenix is consumed by her own fire. The ashes fall into the earth, and so it ends once more.

The smallest of flames fights to burn... Among the ashes, it fights... Among the ashes...

10-4