COLLAPSE

2018 comes to an end... This year began with changes, drastic changes that have been very difficult to overcome. This is the year where I lost a very special person that left a big empty space in my life.

Ringing in the new year had its difficulties, as I started a new role in my Disney journey. I just finished training and peak season had started... I barely got to celebrate my 11th wedding anniversary in February... My best friend ended up in the hospital like so many times... like the previous year... but this time there was no comeback. End of February I almost lost my job as I simply could not handle it... any of it... All I had in my head was death. The death of my first born... and now the death of my best friend, counselor and brother.

Dark times of being lost at sea... Days turned into weeks... Weeks turned into months. And here we are... At year's end.

I'm still a mess. I lost the only person to whom I would talk daily, anytime, various times in the day... He could finish every sentence I started... He would cheer for me, advise, be silly, give me courage, anger me, defy me... I could be me, without fear or restraints, and he liked me anyway. A friendship of almost 30 years. Fights, conflict, drama, adventure... but always a loyalty and bond unbreakable, raw, true.

He did as much for me as I did for him. To the end. Crazy respect, even if we were so different it all ended with a sip of coffee and comforting silence. The witch and her demon. Against all.

I still can't bear the thought of erasing his number, even if I know no one will answer... It is so hard being up at 2am and having no one to call to talk just because... Gaming, aliens, Spelljammer, horror, figures, Star Wars, Dee Dee, Kali, work, school... Why I love Repo! Why I love Maulin Rouge and Big Fish... Why it's so eerie that the movie Max and Mary always left me in tears because it was definitively us... and like us, in the end he died.

All the time I wasted in him, he wasted in me. He always made time for me, I was always important. Even when mad he would call and say nothing... but was there. My friend through thick and thin. My friend even when we were a couple and it did not work and I cancelled our wedding. My friend even when everyone advised him to stay away from me, that he had nothing to get from me... as well as I got that same advice ironically from the same people... My friend cheering me on to take a chance in life, being there when I married, being there when Deedee was born, being there when Deedee got sick... being there through the SMA journey, a train that took me far and away and changed life at so many levels... My friend when Deedee died. My friend when we were homeless. Always making me see things were not so bad... that there was always hope. He soothed my spirit.

2018 took the magical cane thast kept me walking straight... made me hit the floor, made me weak... made me despair, made me grieve, made me wish for release and peace...

I don't know how I made it through all these months. The blow to my heart overwhelmed me. Half of my heart was already in Heaven, and that old wound reopened so... Missing my Deedee and now being lost at sea with no compass.

Christmas has been dry... I've tried my best to be festive for Kali, so our little family has memories and keep tradittions alive... but it's hard... Dead inside, how to feel?  I do count my blessings. I have Mark and I have Kali and we are always united against the world...

I'm just sad, hopelessly... endlessly... I thought I still had a friend, but he chose to run away from me... No explanations. Foolishly enough I kept hopes for a phone call that never happens... Even if elves are especially arrogant... But deep inside I know he's done with me. I'm not enough. I don't fit in his life anymore. Why drag a living ghost?

I'm deeply sad for I realize I have no friends. Promises of being there because of endless bonds meant nothing. Raven and Coriolis and my Teacher... How much I love you three... How important you are for me... And how you've pushed me from your lives... I don't understand why. But life goes on without need for reasons... And we all become perfect childhood memories, sucky adult choices.

I wish you all the best. I truly do. And I will always wait for that phone call... You were my choices, my best friends. My promise was forever. You are responsible for what you tame. Through life, always Raven, Coriolis, Groundel, and my Teacher. My top four. My only forever choices. For them, I'm just a ghost.

I'm not complaining... just writing as I have no one to tell... Zordak has listened so many times but there's nothing else to do...

Maria, the only rock standing in PR, quiet but always there when needed. True friend, has gone beyond her godmother duties and we appreciate her dearly. Maria, the only one left for us... back home... The only one who didn't run from truth.

Still, I would not bother her at 2am for nonsense...

How much I miss you, Sti...