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Days are going by slowly. The chilly madness is suddenly replaced by hot days that are unnerving. Some help may come in disguise as we still quarrel for the neverending task of finding THE job… In the meantime, being minions will do… Baby is well, hubby is well. All alive and kicking, I think…
I’m increasingly sad. I dislike the current situation of nowhere to run to nowhere to hide, but much to face and conquer. Played the fight so well, but now the plateau denominated “waiting game”is driving me insane. Looking for something to keep the sanity check, finding solace in beloved Lady of Sorrows and journaling, but still… The uncertainty of it all is beyond frustrating. The living one day at a time means no real control lay in your hands, so you must outwit whatever is thrown your way… Oh, the thrill of the uncertain! For a while it’s nice, but it has its price…
The appreciation of what you have changes. The deliverance from the superfluous to the important is both intoxicating and chaotic. Each morning we face a sunrise hoping a miracle lives on. Each afternoon we guard the miracle and marvel in its radiance, in its defiant truth… Each sunset brings along the belief that must keep burning within our zenith… A belief that struggles against the enemies of despair, of destiny… It is a paradox to look into life and know the imminence of death, up close and personal! It is important the here and now, the making of… the journey. It all is in our face, it all brings the greatest of beauties, and the most terrible of pains. This is our daily truth, our daily conflict, our daily despair, our daily hope… To acknowledge a heart full of lovely sunrises and sunsets, to acknowledge a heart entwined in thorns.
I live the greatness of love. I live the greatest horror. Day by day the rose let go of a petal… One by one a lovely road towards oblivion takes shape… lovely shape, lovely perfumed shape wrapped by mystery and shadows. Nothing else to do, but to trust and go on… to believe and live for real. Fear is the greatest enemy of everything and everyone… Fear destroys hope, destroy possibilities, destroys what can be and has not been yet… It is fear we must battle so we can smile through it all, so the miracle keeps its beauty, so the meaning of life keeps on revealing itself to us. And it is not easy at all… Wondering why is a waste of time. Scheming the end is pointless. The goal must be ongoing, else everything could fall…
When there is too much time to actually think, you realize it is better not to… Because thinking will drive you mad. Sometimes it is better to keep doing… to keep swimming… So strength and will keep on being pillars in your heart. So the journey blinds you with its razzle-dazzle… So an alternate reality can be cast at will.
10-4
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