Wednesday… Tired as hell. Yesterday could not sleep, tossing & turning. Decided to get up, wash my hair, and get some fictional air in the living room… I still have not started the deco for the party, I am too depressed even for that… (sigh) I guess that I foresee myself doing the assignment over the weekend. It is too much getting off work and trying to do something in my house… Right now it is almost an impossible task… By 7pm I am catching zzzzz… That’s how it has been the whole week… Am I having a midlife crisis or something? LOL Who knows… I know I am anxious, and even a bit unnerved… And even if I try to put all my shit together, the glue to bind the pieces is missing.

I should not try to buy a house… It makes no sense… I want to change my career because I am drowning in stalement at this fucking job… I am not professionally appreciated, I have no challenges, and each time I have less things to do, less responsibilities and more jobs that should belong to a janitor or a student… I have an MBA for heaven’s sake! And they use it as toilet paper. Government is not for me in terms of the colors fight… PNP vs PPD, who screw who first. It is plain simple, it doesn’t matter just how much you screw yourself doing things right… If you have no friends in the proper places, you are doomed. Until I find a job that makes me happy and positive, I cannot try or even think of getting a house. Another thing from the wish list that I must put on hold.

I was watching pics that I sent to the lady that did my wedding veil… I posed very ironically… It saddens me. It deeply saddens me. I really put all my heart in doing that wedding, for a whole year I did so much and it was the main thing in my head… Now, it seems like a mirage. I still don’t know if I made the right choice putting things on hold. I feel I wasted my time and people’s time and money when I cancelled… I know things went beyond tight monetary speaking… And the uncertainty within me was not helping… But my current whereabouts make me think that perhaps that was the only chance I had to do such a thing. It was one of my dreams after all… Problem is, I want a 100% certification that it will be forever, because I believe marriage should be forever. And how or where should I get such a thing? All is a game of chance. But for me… the girl who wanted to become a nun so many years ago… Failure at marriage would be the ultimate devastation… Why? Because I believe on it, strongly… And it seems that just because of that I will not be able to say “ I do” .

I should have sticked to my original plan, I would have married God and perhaps I would have been happier. But… That was then… This is now. Now I am hurt, I make fun of the whole thing but I am hurt… The people I‘ve loved most have failed me deeply, and have demonstrated I am not their priority. For one is friends, for the other is games, and for the other is himself. No one puts me first. No one puts me in a shrine, no one has details with me, no one hugs me to sleep, no one shares my dreams… And still I give all I have, all my love… And receive nothing… As always… (sight) Love disenchants me. Love disappoints me. Love is mean and hard with me. Love have shredded my self to pieces every time, and have left only ashes. Love has always been my prison, my hangman, my reaper… I wish myself to stop loving, to feel nothing, to be logic and to follow my own instructions… But I am too much of an empath…

I am feelings. I feel everything around me, and I react for everything I feel… I hate it, but it is something that I cannot control, it is a force beyond me… an enslaving waking nightmare. I hate Love. Because it has been indifferent with me, it has spurned me, it has deceived me, it has betrayed me, it has laughed in my face, it has nailed my heart, it has destroyed my hopes and dreams… I hate Love. Kill the little bastard if you find it, for me… Kill it, so I can be free at last…

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