How I feel, as of today? Alone with myself, with my feelings, with the truth that I still dismiss as a nightmare… Playing charades ain’t easy, because I show what I feel regardless of circunstances. Blunt show off of the strings that are no more is insensible and thoughtless… I get hurt too often for my own taste, although I try to numb emotions and just go with the flow… It is hard… I’ve been asked to accept that what was was a big nothing and it feels unacceptable… irrational… wrong. All I can think of is Why and although my logic says forget and go on, my heart says it cannot be, that it is all lies that he believes himself, that he’s been turned against me by those who hate me. I find no more explanations within my self. I feel lost, and this sickening bleeding wont stop… In letting go, the thorns have taken more than just blood… they have ripped the skin, tearing it from muscles and bones… In letting go, I have killed my heart. I'm expected to smile in spite of tears, to play along as if nothing happenned, to stop feeling because it is as easy as triggering a trap... I'm expected to forget cofee in the morning, playing with the kitties, cuddling up to watch some anime or play the Sims, taking goth pics just because we felt like it, driving through the isle because we could... I'm expected to erase all these years of starting sentences that he ended, of starting thoughts that he predicted, of guiding plans that he executed... I'm expected to be there because I am as strong as a mountain, as maleable as water, as free as the wind... Underneath it all I am fire... and fire is voracious, constantly raging, constatly fueling its thoughts and dreams and desires... And when fire must be contained, it ain't easy... it usually ends up in a fatality... As right now. Some words hurt more than a thousand actions. Some thoughts will never be, as some dreams simply faded as nevermore... Growing old together... The safe haven we shared... The promises to be completed and sustained... The commitment that was broken... I am expected to swallow up everything as it never happenned, as we start from that lovely voyage in which friends decided to help each other... These 7 years never happenned... The tears I have shed never happenned... The love I gave without boundaries never happenned... The truth I gave without thinking twice, never happenned. This is how I feel... as the last years of my life have been mercilessly torn away from me, as they were dissipated without a second thought... I feel I was nothing. I feel I failed to see bare truth in my thirst for belief. I feel used and thrown away as an old toy that lost its luster... I feel abandoned to my fate, because of no other reason but selfishness, because it is very comfortable to run from problems instead of solving them. I feel I was not important enough, I was not woman enough,... I was not enough...

I am to shed tears that only my pillow can caress away. I am to hold on to my shadow and comfort myself with my endless love for me. I am to find strenght from my convictions and dreams and actions... But how... I feel so weak... I feel so battered... I am to cry at night until I have no more tears left, to scream silently until the sound deafens my senses, to bury myself in the world so my corpse can feed the worms and be no more... I want to be no more... My last dissapointment.

Do not even dare to ask how I feel, because I will hit you... I will hit you with all the strenght I have left... And I will draw your blood and feast on it. So in your final seconds, it is me who you see, it is me who you feel... It is me whom you belong. Forever.

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