Payday! Payday! Yipeeeee!
And then the Bills attack leaving the pocket bleeding, moaning in agonizing despair... LOL Oh, well... Got some travelling to do, to check a f%$#@^& printer, and got to finish passing the inventory... Besides that, not too much stress going on. :)

Fate has separated the lovers for a week, but do not fair, the continuing adventures shall go on even if Titanic sank. :D Last night had an odd mix of hunting and being the target... Mental note: Do not mix AVO with Coriolis or you will end up tied up in a sanitarium... Damn, it's like I cannot escape being the innocent traveller mugged by those two. Sheeeeeshhhhhhh... Ok, so it is fun... But why must I volunteer to be the but of the joke? NO COMMENTS, PLEASE! :))

10-4

No obstacles fell in his way that seemed to him insurmountable. He might be defeated, as he sometimes was, but he shrank from no hardship through impatience, he fled from no danger through cowardice.

- J. P. Morgan writing about Napoleon Bonaparte

I knew there had to be trouble of some sort, everything was too still and perfect these last days... Trilogy proved that he can be an ass again. Like always, following his friends opinion about me and my attitude and behaviour... He dares to try telling me when I should or should not say things... At this point in my life, no one is going to tell me what to do, how or to just shut up. If someone doesn't like me, then why they stay around me? I don't get it. Or worst, Trilogy take into account the opinion of some losers that have done nothing in their lives and that he has met recently, and as usual badmouths me in front of others, stepping all over me as only he can try to do... Well... We play in MY house, so if he hates my words or actions just buzz off. I am not into proving nothing to noone, I just state facts and if he cannot handle my voice or ideas or representation (as I am speaking for 3 people), well then it is too bad. Its been 14 years of knowing each other, and although I know him he still has much to learn about me. But... It is allright... Thanks to that I had a though in the back of my head all the time... A voice constantly repeats to me "Be yourself". Somehow, the whole situation puts many things in perspective... I am myself always... But it actually feels good to have someone that actually wants me to be myself, no holds barred. So... I am myself. My voice will always be heard. And if someone cannot handle, get off my face and get off my life. I am tired of these old fights that repeats themselves, out of the blue, out of nothing but ignorance and fear of what someone cannot understand...

Groundel... Pissed me off. He was witness to Trilogy's "ignorance" but he says nothing... When will come the day that someone stands for me? After all, I was giving voice to what we all were feeling in the gaming atmosphere... But he doesn't like conflict... Right... Like, he hates conflict but is always arguing with me... Plain simple, he cannot take sides... I was mad at him. He did apologize later on, but I still don't feel like talking to him. Ok, the Paladin is used to fighting armies alone... But that is tiresome and is kinda hurtful. And its lonely. Why is it that doing what is right means doing things alone?

Talked with AVO. Ah, at least just his voice soothes my soul... I know everything he's gonna say, but I just need to hear him, my haven, my shelter... I need him around me to lick my wounds so I can go out to battle again. This is bad... I am dwelling deeper into needing territory... And I find myself wishing for him at all times. The witch has been spellbound. Please, do not send help. :)

And finally, talked with Coriolis... Someone understands me! Of course. LOL At least he lifted my evil thoughts and once again engaged in the game of having fun at humanity's expense.

Right now I am not so mad... or angry... I'm ok I guess... I allow things to affect me, things that should not matter but that they do... Nothing a good night sleep cannot fix.

10-4

Finally visited El Calvo. It was quite a while... Helped with some internet issues. :) Wanted to go visit Lucinda but it was kinda late so went back home to do some assignments. Playing with Fireworks, oh, so it actually has the same features as Photoshop... I just need to the get the hang of it... Gotta update things for class, kinda haven't... Ahhhh... Jugling things so it all makes sense...

AVO mobile... LOL That message is simply hilarious. :D He better be mobile.

Groundel happy after the surprise b-day celebration on Sat. Since I couldn't get a cake or gather people on Fri he thought I would do nothing special this year. Ha! At least Coriolis volunteered with a cake... a friggin sugarless strawberry cake that changed our lives forever (now, THAT was a treat!)... Trilogy DMed the Greyhawk adventure, then after a short break I started DMing a Forgotten Realms/ Ravenloft adventure. So it was non-stop play since 1pm to 2am... The need was satisfied... For now...

No signs of life from Lucinda. Where is she? Did she died? Was she abducted by aliens? Is she chained up in a dungeon? The season finale on the next episode of Lost in Daze...

Kara and Michael have been silent. Hope they are ok. :)

Zordak was online, and exchanged some ooohhhhs and ahhhhhs Blasts from the Past...

Haven't watched TV in the last 2 weeks... I wonder if the new season of Andromeda started...

That's it for the weekly news. Stay tuned for more...

10-4

It is critical to serve others, to contribute actively to others' well-being. I often tell practitioners that they should adopt the following principle: regarding one's own personal needs, there should be as little involvement or obligation as possible. But regarding service to others, there should be as many possible involvements and obligations as possible. This should be the ideal of a spiritual person.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Cleaning up the whole place, throwing away stuff and doing homework... What a Nerd! LOL

Today is Groundel's Birthday... So Happy B-day, big fella! U r getting ooooooollllldddddddd! Not that he looks older, he looks as if he were a college boy, damnit! Grrrr... Purple hair and everything... :)

Login off to go do some last minute shopping and hopefully to do something fun.

10-4

I JUST DELETED MY WHOLE NEW POST... I AM SLEEPY AND WRITTING STUPID. I'LL WRITE TOMORROW OR DURING THE DAY...

BTW Pirates of the Caribbean rocked! Great special effects and great fighting/swashbuckling scenes that makes you remember the Princess Bride and such classics... Loved Sparrow... Captain Sparrow. :)

Played with the digicam, took some pics to start my new forced collection for montages... then tried to start my assignment but got sidetracked with Gangs of NY and another weird movie... Equillibrium? Whatever...

Talked with Coriolis, chatted a bit with AVO (I hope he went to sleep without being mad at me), and tried to contact Diva and MexicanLady without success...

The Sandman awaits...

10-4

Been a bit away from technology, entering into reality and brushing with imagery of epiphany...
Been deep into reverie, getting the history of probability and casualty, adding up penalty...
Been wandering ecstasy, skimpy touch of blasphemy in heavenly heraldry...

Get it?

So... Lucinda has been quiet, Coriolis has been having too much fun at my expense, Groundel is getting older by Friday and AVO...

Hmmmm...

~How wonderful life is, now he's back in my world... ~

Yes, once again he's making life simply perfect with his not so humble presence. Need I say more? :)

10-4

I used to be so in control
But reality is losing its hold
Now I don't know where to begin
Just look at the state that I'm in
My mind is in total decay
I'm coming to take you away
There's nothing more that I can do
This maniac's in love with you
Your biggest fear has just come true
This maniac's in love with you

My heart has been strapped in a straight jacket love
The therapy boys say it fits like glove
I'm grossing the line in my brain
The line between pleasure and pain
It takes all I've got to survive
This madness will eat me alive
There's nothing more that I can do
Your biggest fear has just come true
This maniac's in love with you

I'm all locked up inside of you
I just don't know where to begin
Just look at the state that I'm in
My mind is total decay
I'm coming to take you away
There's nothing more that you can do
This maniac's in love with you
Your biggest fear has just come true
This maniac's in love with you
There's nothing more that you can do
This maniac's in love with you

-Alice Cooper, "This maniac is in love with you"

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year, you can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
The stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
but you can never leave!

- The Eagles, "Hotel California"

Holiday. Long. Slow... SET is now OFFICIALLY GAY. Ah... Silence...

Was online almost the whole afternoon, browsing here and there... Chatted with Coriolis and AVO, and with a schoolmate.

Nothing else... Bored... Sad... Thrilled... The usual.

10-4

Had a system crash. Hopefully wont loose all my data... or every one of you will hear the scream... This sucks... More omens so I leave online school... Day went fast, dyed my hair and dyed Groundel's hair, then went to auntie's and gransim's, and then thanks to heavy rain went home... The PC wouldnt load so I guess it died on me... I NEED A TECHNICIAN! Er... wait... I AM a technician... This sucks so much! I took days off and now gotta spend some dealing with resurrecting a friggin PC... God has a sense of humor...

10-4

Ok, I'm beat. I am too old to loose sleep like this... You know, thousands of years must finally take a toll on a mortal embodiment of a goddess... Last night spent some hours on the net until 3am... And woke up at 9:30 to call the vet and make a VIP appointment for Set... Yup, he will become gay on Monday. Yippeeeeee! Went to the post office and finally got the books for my class, AND a very important letter from Kara. Yes, IT FINALLY ARRIVED! :P

Ok, I will answer one question here just for the general knowledge of people who knows nothing about hair coloring... To get out of this world colors on your hair you must bleach. Not if you are blond or have natural white, but from light brown to black: BLEACH. Then run get your colors. Use Manic Panic, it stays on for 4 weeks (6 in lighter shade). I've been using Vampire Red for two years now, my hair has adopted it as a natural color... I only do my roots every 6 weeks, bleach them then color the entire hair so the color is refreshed and bright. Do wear black, as it stains permanently any clothing or surface it touches. :) Any questions, just ask. For the violet hair with green straks, I would recommend you do your purple hair, then wait a week and do bold highlights of 1-2 inches, and die the highlights in green (since u already bleached you should get a fairly light blond on the hair, so the green will stick nicely). For bleaching I use Dark and Lovely, as my hair is black hair and naturally wavy and stubborn. After coloring you should leave it as long as 4 hours... sometimes I let it stay overnight so the color really sets in. Rinse it out and do apply a nice conditioner to your hair (I use a hair repair treatment or a moisturizer for extremely damaged hair... ). Blow dry or do some rollers and voila! Perfect unnatural hair. :) Hope this helps, Kara!

Ok... so where was I? After getting the letter, the books and many bills... Went to my aunts for supper, and then took her to my grandsims house. Left her there to do some must-buy-essentials shopping. Ahhhh! Found this great sky with sunflowers cover for my table for just 1.50... Yes, I am a sucker for sunflowers and bargains... Ran back to my grandsim's house and stayed until the night crept above us. Delivered my auntie and ran home to fulfill my scholastic destiny... Which I still haven't... I am so sleepy, tired and unhumanly hungry. I was gonna do my hair tonight, but I'm too tired... That's tomorrow's quest.

Coriolis finally sticked with the elf and still seems happily ever after... He was house-hunting today, becoming one of those anoyying people that stare at maps while driving... Hmmm...

Trilogy still missing in action. Footsteps followed by Lucinda...

Groundel procrastinated the laundry... And has been watching movies.

AVO kinda busy with his gig tonight... Maybe some peace dealings can be performed to stop a certain war from destroying everything... At least we are talking. Baby steps... :)

Back to school now. On a Saturday... Pathethic little me... I am convincing myself I am very, very suicidal and lunatic if I think I can do all this and also start a doctorate...

Gotta grab some food...

10-4

RIMA XVI

Si al mecer las azules campanillas de tu balcon,
crees que suspirando pasa el viento murmurador,
sabe que, oculto entre las verdes hojas,
suspiro yo.

Si al resonar confuso a tus espaldas vago rumor,
crees que por tu nombre te ha llamado lejana voz,
sabe que, entre las sombras que te cercan
te llamo yo.

Si se turba medroso en la alta noche tu corazon,
al sentir en tus labios un aliento abrasador,
sabe que, aunque invisible, al lado tuyo
respiro yo.

-Gustavo A. Bécquer

Ok, is it THAT evident that I've had a rough week? Lovely description, sunken eyes and extreme palor... LOL Ok... Hard to get I am sick? Let me scream that for you, little people: I AM SICK! There. Dealing with dusty computers, spiderwebs and rain will definitively sicken you! And add to that dealing with all of you!

Working can sometimes BE the final frontier... or just the oppossite... Take your germs away from me! Stop it! STOP IT!

Ahhh... ok... So I'm back at my office... Answering stupid questions to stupid people... Turning into a nice icicle... This place is really cold, not helping me at all... I wanna go home, go to bed and see no daylight until Sunday. I feel terrible... My sore throat is taking over and the headache is making me dizzy... Two more hours... Two more hours... Eternity sometimes... And I know the schedule of the day is not over... Wonder Woman needs time off, damnit! I hope I have enough fuel in me to just do things...

Everything quiet. Know nothing of Lucinda, Trilogy or Coriolis. I know AVO has a gig tomorrow, hope that runs smoothly... he hates gatherings of tons of people and heat, but hey... Job quirks... Big deal, he can manage. He has for years. Silly me worrying...

I'm still on the " getting things" phase... trying to... I am trying to find what, when and where I did or said some things and then analyzing why, why, why... Responsability comes even if you ignore things... ignorance is not a good excuse facing a jury... So... I am so self absorved... That's the only conclusion I can get at, but that is not a surprise at all... I know it's always about me, myself and my other personalities. I pay too much attention to myself that I don't really see of feel the small subtext of my words and actions... And they can hit everyone around me with such strenght... Without being aware of it, I can be the cruelest bitch... Nothing to be proud of. I just cannot believe I have gone to those means...

I try loading into my mind all the things that happenned in the last months of my life and I cannot see a big wrong... But it seems I did a wrong... Without meaning to do it, without actually thinking of doing it... Without being aware of it... I wish I could straighten things as easy as " bend and snap"... But nothing is ever easy in life... And some wrongs are too deep and too hurtful... I am not the source of all evil, heck, I am not evil... Or so I think. I just know that sometimes I wished I were evil, so I could openly accept the blame of everything for good or bad... In my reality I am wicked and I am open to everything... In my reality I care and love and expect goodness to prevail just because it's right. My twisted reality...

I am not a martyr or a victim. I do whine much, but with no dualism on my intent, just to get it out of my chest. I whine because I get frustrated at the things I cannot change, or at my being constantly missunderstood... I think out loud things I should keep silent about... And I give my not-so-humble opinion when I should just shut up... I wish I could allow myself to be carried off by someone else... But that is not my nature... My first incstinct is to solve things myself, at everything... And I don't realize when I should back off and let others do things for the sake of doing them. I can accept these blames... I just cannot understand other facts that seem unreal... And I think, THINK... and end up in a loop that is driving me crazy... that completely drains me and shutdown my whole self... A loop that gives me no answers but more questions... And the whole process just reaps my soul. Emotional me sucks. Cold me sucks. Sentient me sucks. Calculative me sucks. Brainy me needs a break. Working me is tired. Artsy me is dying. Loving me is frozen. Warrior me... wounded, taking charge and trying to make sense out of Amorphous me.

Tonight, nursing the elder sims... doing an assignment... and hopefully having a long sleep... wishing it would be eternal... It is not about dying, but about being tired of being so missunderstood, and being tired of living in the wrong time...

10-4

Last night ended up going to sleep almost at 2am... Missed my " lift" to SanJuan, woke up almost at 7:30... running again without breakfast, big friggin headache right now... Going to Aguadilla to get a server for a region that lost theirs... Then gotta pass the inventory in a beautiful file so I send it in the afternoon to my boss...

Yesterday went to feed my gradsim, then had to take my sister to her house ince her glasses are missing... got home at 10:30pm to try start do an assignment...

Everything else the same. No time for deep thoughts, just for keeping the flight without crashing on mountains...

Missing... understanding... feeling bad about things I didn't realized, truly... But the show must go on...

10-4

Little time at school. Last night had to stay longer at my grandparents because my uncle and his wife came from Nevada. At least they will be staying at my elder's home so Mother will have to BEHAVE. :) Haven't been able to go to the hospital, and Set's wailing the whole night was definitively a big, BIG annoyance.

Lucinda appeared after work to show off her used-new Trooper. Since she already had a tv on the back, I asked her if she could take the tv that's been travelling on the back of my car for 2 weeks... So she should be taking it for repair today. Amen. I am definitively eager to get the tv fixed, so I can get the silver tv that I bought as replacement for my aunt's damaged one while it was sent to repair-land... FINALLY I'll have a decent TV. Hopefully by Jan-Feb next year I'll get to put cable... I am pretty tied up right now, plus making some plans for Dec-Jan...

Depending on Vader's choice I'll be going to Orlando or Texas, so... If I go to Orlando I'm thinking of getting to NewOrleans via bus-line... Maybe travel until reaching NJ to visit Michi at least for a day... If the deal is Tx, then Maybe I'll be enticed into getting to Vegas or Disneyland... Whatever. As long as airline tickets are paid, if I get to do some savings, maybe that can be done. I have more than 35 days I can take for vacation, and since I've had none in 7 years, that's a keeper. I hope that turns out right...

To do list:
Gotta fix Set this weekend, NO MORE EXCUSES!
Gotta do my hair, my roots are showing from miles away!
Gotta do some summer cleaning at the apartment, out with everything I haven't used in the last 6 months, the Salvation Army will be thrilled.
Gotta do some changes, tired of seeing everything in the same place.
Gotta bath all kitties... with my armor on...
Gotta complete some assignments...
Gotta see some people I havent seen in more than 2 months...
Gotta draw some girls... and some paintings...

For what is worth it, missing someone very much,... but going on...

10-4

Exhausting... Time constraints everywhere. Almost got up late, had to rush without breakfast. The nights are getting more complicated now... The addition of going over to make sure my grandfather is fed kinda disrupts the schedule, but hif he is to get better this must be done. My mother seems to be just drugging him with all those pills, all have the side effect of getting you to LaLaLand. And she is not really taking care of him... Grandmother still at the hospital, will try to squeeze appearing there today. Got home late, to do an assignment and post it. But that was done... Set's wailings woke me up in time just to avoid the dreaded red line at work... I am so, so sleapy! Just two more days... Gotta try and finish up inventory and cabling a local office... with help, hopefully... Can't go today to Aguadilla, haven't finish up with Mayaguez yet. And too much blurry vision to drive anyway... Stupid pills seems to be doing nothing to me. Another addition to the things to do list... I owe a visit to LadyDoctor, for almost 2 months... Feeling crappy, but the show will go on.

AVO completely missing in action. That says much... He just drop a line that he wants me away from his surroundings, away from his life. Always extremist to the core. Out of one argument. I have been too angry to even have a deep reaction... I definitively know how to choose them, huh?

Trilogy waiting for next game.

Groundel watching tons of movies. A friend from work got rid of all his VHS because he has a DVD now, and was giving movies for free...

Coriolis enjoying titanic meals... Food, people, food.

Lucinda... Missing but I know what she's up to...

Me... Sad, hurt, angry, mad, strong, thoughtful, responsible, tired, TIRED... workaholic and studyholic and nurseaholic (the latest addition to the list)...

10-4

What I feel? It doesn't really matters, I am used to whatever it is. It is funny when things go smoothly in Paradise it is all smiles and understanding. One cloud and it all turns into a pitch black void without return. Once in the beginning, almost as an omen... and twice in the end.

I have alternate realities within my life's shell, and none of them is shit. It is a real pity that the person you wanted to be with could not see or understand your true colors... and would simply turn his back at the first sign of a storm. That's where true friendship is tested, and as a consequence, true love. I knew something was wrong, felt it in my gut for a time... But I was blinded by the beauty of the Oasis that I failed to see it all was a mirage... When you travel too fast everything becomes blurred and uncertain... exciting, beautiful... but ethereal. I willingly fall in that trap. I was asked to believe, and I did. But time hopping is not one of my special abilities, and so it had to take a human course... I asked only for time. Seems that was a big request. I was put boundaries to my free will, and I am one who won't tolerate boundaries. I don't need them. I do things as I feel them, and speak just the right amount of words each time... throwing out to the world genuine me... I needed not be reminded to be myself... I am myself. Always. For good or bad. For dream or nightmare. I am. My own. I don't comply to what I don't believe in. It's all as simple as that...

So complex to deal with... yet so simple. I don't need guidance, directions, commands... I need understanding and love. I don't need a physical demand 24/7. I need the passionate embrace of souls meeting in dreams if not in flesh. I am beyond some things. A pity those closer cannot appreciate it...

I could reply shit with shit, but I don't have to. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I expect perfection. I expect the best. I am to be worshipped. He who complies will have the same. But try to put boundaries to me, and it all falls down.

What I feel? A good question... with no answer. I am deeply sad, at the mud he tries to throw me, the attitude towards me, the lack of faith and compassion... I understand anger and outrage and even jealousy, but I cannot understand how you can say today "Marry me" and the next day "Have a nice life". Somehow the math doesn't add up. Because I did believe and I did love and I did give a chance... I just needed time.

No regrets. No apologies if my best ain't good enough. I am capable of handling problems. He just runs away from them. And so... Enough about him. Another one who breaks my heart. Although this time it was faster... no less painful.

10-4

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.

- Glenn Clark

The weekend went on with drama, suspense and many other tense moments... Coriolis may be back with his elf after all, as I foresaw (amen), and everything else in Wonderland may be just as chaotic as it must be.

My grandfather is bedridden, now my grandmother is in the hospital too because her cat bite her in the leg and she is diabetic... and old... Soooo... After "beautiful gaming" Saturday it was "visiting the sick" Sunday.

Had a small argument with AVO... Ok, not so small but let's keep things friendly. Hopefully things will be straightened up given time...

I'm still thinking of leaving the online courses, but now its Color Theory and I am very tempted to stay, plus a Boricua is in the class and may help with some issues. :) That's cool.

10-4

AD&D, from 12pm to 11:15pm... Ahhhhhh Feels so good to go back to the drug... :) Much needed break, oh yesss... Time stands still outside, and we just go to a far away place where u can really make things happen... Nothing beats this.

Coriolis having trouble with his femme... They split. He's on an emotional rollercoaster... I just hope that things get better, after all, he deserves the best.

Trilogy... Paranoid and bothered by the kitties as usual...

Groundel just being kind and polite and enjoying the stillness and happiness of just playing Dungeons.

So, we are planning a small AD&D marathon, starting the 25th, extending to the 28th... We'll see if THAT can be done... Two DM's up to the challenge, Trilogy and... that's right boys and girls, I may be back to my so-called "business"... Ravenloft and Forgotten realms of course. :) Will be working on the module and stuff...

Tomorrow I'll do some camping on my aunt's house, then will try to go see Sara or Pabón... if I dont fall uncontious... I am so tired, and feeling weird lately. Emotionally challenged, physically impaired, completely offline and very sad... I have too much empathy sometimes...

AVO had an accident, and has been on an emotional rollercoaster of his own. He's having some tough times... I hope he gets through them with a wicked smile. My dear boything: Do not complicate yourself, man! Go with the flow, enjoy the here and now and live each day to its fullest one at a time. Do not rush to next week or next month... Savor here and now. What if tomorrow never comes because there is a tidal wave coming from the Bahamas and we are all washed-off the planet? What if there is a big earthquake that turns us inside out, upside down? What if REAL accidents happenned? You are blessed, with so many talents that you put to waste because of... excuses. Your priorities should not be one above the other, but balanced. Think about it. Some things can change, some can't. You must gve in to your artsy self, much more than your job or even me. Always the certain thing is yourself... Yourself first. So there are no regrets later on. As long as there is a balance,everything will be just fine. Trust the Romulan. (Ok, bad allegory...)

Will play a little on the net, and then go catch zzzz... The day has been so draining, DAMNIT!

Kara! Thanks for your messages! I browsed some of your thinguies, will see more later on. Been too caught up in matters of time, but haven't forgotten about you! :)

10-4

Why must people be so unpolite and stupid? It just hits me like a brick... I always try to be nice and helpful, and then they go wham-bam. It just goes to show that at work no one is your friend, no matter how much so-call trust they have earned from you... But it's another lesson. All heading towards the X-files motto: Trust no one. It just gets to me... Maybe it's PMS, maybe I am oversensitive, maybe I'm wrong... I was just driven to tears... It is enough. Anything from foes, but from friends? Ah... That never stops. A simple word or sentence could have been less hurtful... I guess I expect too much of humans... There is no courtesy, no morals, no nothing. Apocalipse is now.

Let the Headless Horseman run and take male heads off ANYTIME!

Last night managed to start editing some pics for the scratch-design of my new homepage... Had some fun with that. Still working on the layout-overall feel... Nothing else of interest.

10-4

Yesterday was awful... Had to spend the whole day at Aguadilla fixing and updating PC's... 14 in total... Also got some news on what my boss from Mayaguez has been saying about me. He is gonna get it... Very soon...

Today, off to San German and RUM, both to do some inventory and to gather bad PC's. Then gotta finish the inventory for Mayaguez. Tomorrow will be the whole day trying to finish up Aguadilla's inventory and upgrades... Fun, Fun, Fun... And I've got a Techie reunion on Friday at San Juan.

Yes, this week has been a load... I am so tired! Monday I arrived home and went straight to bed at 6:00pm. Yesterday did some PC cleaning & stuff, went to bed at 10:00pm... I foresee that I follow Monday's bed time tonight... I feel so tired... Tired, and angry. So that is taking my fuel...

10-4

Today... At work... Setting things up to run away to San Germ?n in the afternoon and to make a disappearing act and be at Aguadilla for the next 3 days. Inventory plus moving days... It sucks. Coriolis told me he saw some ads for another job... Will check that out... Nothing else of importance going on, except I'm friggin hungry!!! Damnit!

Missing someone terribly...

10-4

Ok, so I will try to gather a summary of the latest news:

AVO was around, Tuesday and Wednesday. The drama, the suspense, the intrigue! LOL We had a great time. He arrived pretty late on Tuesday, so basically it was a matter of resting after a looooong journey... Ah, to boldly go where no man has gone before... Someone has to do it, right? ;) So, on Wednesday I had some plans, but the day was awfully bright... So... Made a slight change. Since conversation was interesting I kinda wandered off into Ponce... So, we visited the local mall, got lost into some mesmerizing non buyable items and enjoyed the cold environment for a while. On our way back home I wandered off... First intention was to go to La Parguera, but kinda made a turn and followed the old route I used to take to go to El Combate. We got to the area, and even if dusk was peeking I made it to El Faro... This is my absolutely favorite place in the area... The old lighthouse from Cabo Rojo, surrounded by wilderness, raw, and still defying the elements. I love this spot. Ever since high school I've been visiting El Faro... Whenever I was in deep tears I found my way there... Day or night... (Lonesome, out of this world place, crazy to wander into it at night, alone, but hey... No one said I was sane... ). There are many stories and myths surrounding the place, especially about ET and UFO's... But that is another story... Anyway, we wandered into the wilderness, caught some great sites, someone was impressed with the place ( I was quite surprised he had never went there), and many Kodak moments. On the way back we went to Lucinda's house, for some introductions. We kinda realized we had spent too much energy during the day, so the night went on breezing, delicious bliss.

On Thursday, soooouuuppppp... Well, got up almost at midday to take off to Area Metro... AVO needed to be at work before 4:00pm. Well, made it there at 3:55... Fair enough. :D I made it home as fast as I could, I was spooked because of a dream I had and there was just too much traffic. The 4 of July was on Friday, and people were preparing and getting crazy. Made it home, and went straight to bed.

Friday: 4 of July. Rainy day. Went with Groundel to see Trilogy. He was going to throw game on Saturday... After 7 years, the old AD&D group will reunite to play a new game, at least an adventure... So I had to make sure he actually did... Coriolis was gonna travel from Area Metro just to play, so Trilogy was kinda forced into it... Meeting place: My home. Somehow the thought was not too comforting... Ah, Coriolis called, making sure the plan was followed through... The joke now is, guess what the name of the campaign is? Damn him. Quite a good observation... Almost every player has been my bf at some point in life... So THAT was my main concern... Coriolis branded the gathering V's Harem. Cute. I kinda crossed fingers that no human blood would be spill, though... At night got a bogus call from Trilogy asking me about my personal status... NOT OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, PAL!!!

Saturday: THE GATHERING. So, our little lives made history on their own. Coriolis, Groundel, Trilogy and me, under the same roof, plus a stranger. And we actually played, even defying cat allergies, thirst, hunger and jealousy. Coriolis joking with me as usual, keeping my cool and sanity. Trilogy and Groundel kinda giving out sparks of their own, but holding on to the civilized mode... But it was a successful meeting. At least there will be a second part, which is more than I expected. The group still has the chemistry for gaming. I just need an invisible dome around me and making sure I stay physically away from everyone so there are no raised eyebrows. Easy to do since almost everyone is allergic to cats, and mine are always around me. LOL My devious plan... :) So maybe next week we'll have the second game...The party has a barbarian half orc, a human ranger, an elven psi-priest and a drow thief-mage, and the adventure is setup in Greyhawk. I am the drow, of course... which has a slight case of vampirism... Shhh, that's a secret. Oh, and my father, Vader, made a special appearance via phone call. He wants me to meet the Council at Texas or Florida in Christmas... We'll see...

Sunday: Got off bed at noon. Went to my aunt's house but there was Mr. Home Improvement so I kinda left in a hurry. Went to Kmart. Went to see T3: Rise of the Machines (Arnold rules, movie sucked). Then back to auntie's place to eat. Then watch some TLC, Trading Spaces, Andromeda re-run and finally made it home. Had some turmoil on Paradise but by now things are at least in virtual suspension. Whatever. Not a biggie. Just some gaga-talk.

10-4

Monday News:

Ok, so on Sunday night had almost no sleep, plenty of turmoil with Groundel and some arguments with AVO... Ah... Relax, release... Seems I make things too clear with one and not clear enough with the other. It's ok by now, I hope... We spoke... Groundel getting his brain surgery, and AVO should be smiling to himself after all he is right in everything he says, asks and feels. Me, feeling like a sucker. Tom and Jerry sucker... for you perverts out there. :P

Todays Update (Caught up... Amen!):

So the week is looking up a bit. Groundel is in good friend mode and coping with things, and AVO should be coming over to my house for 2 days. I asked for some days off at work, hopefully will get them and have a small leizure time... I need a big break from life, but guess baby steps will have to do.

I feel a bit better compared to the dark blues that I've been going through... Still... I feel my heart is ripped apart and no glue can put it together... Still I try... I don't know... I am just internalizing that perhaps it is my destiny to be the best friend forever... Seems I can be noone's wife... I have this feeling of helplessness on the issue... I can excel at many things, I am bright, I am talented, I can juggle anything, challenge anyone... but when it comes to my personal life I am a complete failure. That's how I've felt all these years... What is the value of success if you have no one to share it with? And in both my graduations something, someone was missing... And work leaves me emptyhanded at home... I am looking for something that perhaps is beyond me... I am so bitchy and seems that as years pass by is bitchy plus picky. And I hold on too tight to stupid memories and fantasies. Enjoying the present... Yes... Looking towards future... A big gamble. My future is so blurred, almost as if there would be none... I have this feeling that makes me cry all the time... I was not born to have a family, or anyone close. I was born for a different purpose, and it frightens me. Why I had to be so different? How can I make a difference? Little me? Little me who knows no one, and whom is always ignored by people... My own vendettas are so silent... Stupid vendettas that no one but the close captioned looker would see... What I think? Why? All the things I want to do requires strnght of will and... perhaps just supporting cast? A family would be so wrong for me and my purposes, and yet, of all the dreams I have, it may be the greatest... But I know myself. I was not meant to be a mother. I have no patience. And I am a big kid myself. I won't end up like the Mexican lady or like Lucinda. And I have always believed that I can't have children anyway. Not with my condition, being all out of control... That would be too dangerous. So...

So, this will be a busy week after all, hopefully delightful and happy. I just hate that in order for me to be happy I must step all over other's happiness. It takes away the bright colors of things... But life is not made out of bright colors but hazy shades of grey.

10-4

Sunday Update:

Went to see my grandfather with my aunt. He had an operation, but looks better. Still can't get up. We stayed around 2 hours, I was kinda falling asleep so we went away. Then stayed at my aunts for dinner and a movie. And home, to sleep. The lack of sleep from last week taxed me... Damnit! Oh, we are not so young anymore, are we?