Ok, is it THAT evident that I've had a rough week? Lovely description, sunken eyes and extreme palor... LOL Ok... Hard to get I am sick? Let me scream that for you, little people: I AM SICK! There. Dealing with dusty computers, spiderwebs and rain will definitively sicken you! And add to that dealing with all of you!

Working can sometimes BE the final frontier... or just the oppossite... Take your germs away from me! Stop it! STOP IT!

Ahhh... ok... So I'm back at my office... Answering stupid questions to stupid people... Turning into a nice icicle... This place is really cold, not helping me at all... I wanna go home, go to bed and see no daylight until Sunday. I feel terrible... My sore throat is taking over and the headache is making me dizzy... Two more hours... Two more hours... Eternity sometimes... And I know the schedule of the day is not over... Wonder Woman needs time off, damnit! I hope I have enough fuel in me to just do things...

Everything quiet. Know nothing of Lucinda, Trilogy or Coriolis. I know AVO has a gig tomorrow, hope that runs smoothly... he hates gatherings of tons of people and heat, but hey... Job quirks... Big deal, he can manage. He has for years. Silly me worrying...

I'm still on the " getting things" phase... trying to... I am trying to find what, when and where I did or said some things and then analyzing why, why, why... Responsability comes even if you ignore things... ignorance is not a good excuse facing a jury... So... I am so self absorved... That's the only conclusion I can get at, but that is not a surprise at all... I know it's always about me, myself and my other personalities. I pay too much attention to myself that I don't really see of feel the small subtext of my words and actions... And they can hit everyone around me with such strenght... Without being aware of it, I can be the cruelest bitch... Nothing to be proud of. I just cannot believe I have gone to those means...

I try loading into my mind all the things that happenned in the last months of my life and I cannot see a big wrong... But it seems I did a wrong... Without meaning to do it, without actually thinking of doing it... Without being aware of it... I wish I could straighten things as easy as " bend and snap"... But nothing is ever easy in life... And some wrongs are too deep and too hurtful... I am not the source of all evil, heck, I am not evil... Or so I think. I just know that sometimes I wished I were evil, so I could openly accept the blame of everything for good or bad... In my reality I am wicked and I am open to everything... In my reality I care and love and expect goodness to prevail just because it's right. My twisted reality...

I am not a martyr or a victim. I do whine much, but with no dualism on my intent, just to get it out of my chest. I whine because I get frustrated at the things I cannot change, or at my being constantly missunderstood... I think out loud things I should keep silent about... And I give my not-so-humble opinion when I should just shut up... I wish I could allow myself to be carried off by someone else... But that is not my nature... My first incstinct is to solve things myself, at everything... And I don't realize when I should back off and let others do things for the sake of doing them. I can accept these blames... I just cannot understand other facts that seem unreal... And I think, THINK... and end up in a loop that is driving me crazy... that completely drains me and shutdown my whole self... A loop that gives me no answers but more questions... And the whole process just reaps my soul. Emotional me sucks. Cold me sucks. Sentient me sucks. Calculative me sucks. Brainy me needs a break. Working me is tired. Artsy me is dying. Loving me is frozen. Warrior me... wounded, taking charge and trying to make sense out of Amorphous me.

Tonight, nursing the elder sims... doing an assignment... and hopefully having a long sleep... wishing it would be eternal... It is not about dying, but about being tired of being so missunderstood, and being tired of living in the wrong time...

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