Reverie!

About Bdays and cats and people...

I am deeply sorry to announce that Eiji, Lady Death’s kitty, passed away last night. She had leukemia, and had grown weaker by the day… She will be sorely missed.

Another B-day passed, on Dec 10th... Happy B-DAY RAVEN!!!

Some trouble in Neverland, thanks to some differences of opinions that cannot be easily overcome… But… There is ALWAYS a way. It is all a big pity that people won’t give in to tolerance and reach some middle points. I wish that the different groups that makes up our daily lives would forget about the past and embrace what is now… without distortions of any kind… without misunderstandings… with open communication… I have always disliked the failure to address things to the face and the willingness they all have for doing things behind one’s back. Of all the people, only two speak directly to me even if what they have to say will anger me… and they are Coriolis and Zordak. Everyone else hit around the bush, and they go around it so much that they get lost in the way. Silence is omission, and that is why it is a fault as big as a lie. I believe that if you have something to say, you should just say it. Trust is the main ingredient among friends, and an acceptance of the whole is the cherry of the sundae… We are not clones. We are meant to be different, in every way… And it is beautiful when different cultures, minds, beliefs, opinions, characters and humans can band together for one common goal: Really living.

Once upon a time unlikely people met by chance’s desire to be creative… too creative. Somehow the small snow ball became a big ball of shit that covered us all. We all took sides, separated for good… or for bad… Truth went buried in the process, buried by hate and anger and fear… The Dark Side reigned without boundaries. Now, more than 15 years later, feelings of unease linger… I know who I was for them, and what I will always be. I am very realistic in what to expect from people. I know what they were for me, how deeply I cared and how deeply they backstabbed me. Right here, right now, I feel nothing. As time passed by I even dared to manage a hello and a smile, and they turned their faces. As time passed I realized my so-called hate turned to pity, because I began seeing them as the little people who were troubled because of life’s accidents, because not everyone can survive a battle without scars. Through it all there are lists of bad things that were targeted towards me, things I did not deserve. But I know how they all twisted the truth to make it their own truth… and how some that called themselves my friends became the first ones to encourage such things, such lies. The ball of shit landed on all… No problem for me, it was easy to clean off because I had done nothing bad towards anyone. Indeed, all I tried to do was them understand that we could have worked so well as a tribe of outcasts… that each of us had a defined purpose… that we should not cannibalize ourselves but work for us all… Throw pearls to pigs… They will loose them or eat them. So sad… because those people impacted my life so much, and even if it was in the beginning I did looked up to them. I guess that was the early lesson that I still don’t acknowledge: Get used to disappointment. I don’t need them. I have some fond memories of them all… I have too many bad memories, but choose to let it stay as that. As years pass, you understand that you waste much time in petty fights, in petty beliefs… Big bangs that happen out of meaningless things… And then you understand that the most important thing was surviving… and those who survived with you. Not every man has truly lived…

What an intermission in my history… What a gap in the Matrix… The years of Dungeons and Dragons shall always be one of the fondest memories… I was changed forever. I met the ones who mattered most in my life, for better or for worst. And childhood friends were tested as well… Some failed. Some survived… One childhood friend always remains to remind me of who I was, who I dreamt to be… She always inspired me, made me keep hope. Through ups and downs, through rise and fall… a constant warmth, a giving smile. It’s been 20 years, and although life has been harsh and unkind to her, she still has that giving smile that I admire so much. Many things have come between us, many people of the wrong kind… many misunderstandings due to lack of communication and bountiful assumptions. But somehow she managed to always be there, even if Titanic sank she survived… even if a cataclysm tore the lands apart, she survived. And so far, the fondness and friendship has survived as well… although things are never as I want them to be. I learned the way of the tribe but somehow I am always forced to dismiss it… People regard friends as people. The very few I call my friends are my family. For people I have no right to ask or expect anything, for me I am always responsible for my tribe… my chosen family. For people I worry too much, and I am so controlling… For me, if I don’t worry and move to find answers no one else will. Always clashing perspectives… I wish they could grasp reality in a different way, but their own reality clutters their sight so much they have even lost sight of their fondest dreams… and in that chaos, in the half-truths, in the silent omissions… it all pushes me away… I’ve fought the currents for long, to get to them… It is time they face them for a change. I am tired. I am disappointed. I am hurt. My tribe has forsaken me by choice. It saddens me deeply.

The world keeps spinning, and we all shall meet again… somehow, somewhere. The question is: Who grew up? Who hasn’t? Who holds grudges? Who savors life? Who is true? Who lives a lie? Who is your truest ally? Who is your truest foe? No truth is absolute, but deceit always carries heavy burdens... As of here and now I find solace and strength and courage in my mage. But it doesn’t mean that I forget… or that I ignore… or that I don’t know… I wish I could share the bliss that we bring to each other with the people that matter… It gets tiresome finding so many obstacles… nothing is ever easy… Let go of the evil that is done to you, write it in sand… And keep the good that is done to you, write it in stone… Are we all tough enough?

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