It is so ironic when people tell you what to do as if you knew nothing of things or life… I was just commenting to a coworker about the things I want to be: event coordinator, painting artist… He began giving me samples of people that could help me focus on ideas… creative people. I was thinking what the fuck? And that’s the shame… What people see as creative is not. I smiled politely and just said “I have done scenographies, I write stories and tales, I paint ever since being 5 years old, I write poems, and speeches, and plays… I have just the right contacts for an event coordination business, I can do a whole advertising campaign… I have developed 3 business plans… I can’t do things right now.” And all he said was that I was afraid of taking the first step, blah blah… (sight) How about this: I am not afraid of anything, I just can’t right now. But I have a plan, and I have deadlines for myself… I just need to be patient about some things. I can’t count on my spare time after work because (ding, ding, ding!) I have no spare time…

I’m in charge of making my aunt’s house livable again, because there is no one else to do so, period… and because all I am today I owe to her… So even if I complain because it’s no piece of cake, I know I am the only one that can help on that matter.

I also have the construction and improvement of the house in Hormigueros… I will love the outcome, but I know the way is bumpy and hard because I have no sources to fund the projects and so I have to wait, gather the small amounts until I have the complete amounts to pay off each stage… not easy at all… I can’t expect auntie to sponsor me when she can barely sponsor herself, and no one else has the extra income to use me as a hobby. It’s ok… My vision for my house will be completed by the end of next year, at least on the inside... That much is certain… I just don’t know how much I can cope with all the holes in the road, and the broken bridges…

I also want to go back to studying, although I am not certain yet if I will do another master, this time in Painting and Photography, or if I will go for the doctorate of International Business, Social Work or Psychology… In any event, that will take place in August. By then I should be more stabilized in matters of location and time… I can’t study in my present location… I get stressed just by being there.

In the middle of all that I created a schedule of all the travels I want to accomplish for the next 10 years. I want to be able to say that I have traveled the world. I want to expose myself to different cultures and ideas, and learn from the experience. England, New Zealand, Russia, China, Thailand, Australia, Egypt… I want to be there. I don’t know where I’ll get the funding, but I will do it. It is one of my greatest dreams.

I want to jump start a painting career, but I need a portfolio of less than 3 years and at least 25 paintings in order to be taken seriously. And that is the plan from January to June… So I can go to the Culture Institute and get an artist license so they grant some benefits like cheaper materials, and exposure via mall festivals and the like. With that I can get a gallery in San Juan to represent me, so I get the proper exposure when I cannot represent myself. With that I can also go to the city central government and offer my services as muralist… But I need a solid recent portfolio… Until that is done, it’s all about dreaming my life’s greatest dream. It is in schedule… I just have to wait a bit…

I want to have a part time as event coordinator, but first everything else in my life must be in order so I can count on my spare time… so I have the focus and creative juices working in the right direction. When I am moved into the new house, when I have my portfolio, when I begin studying and I’m certain of the right amount of hours I can dedicate to such a task, then I can think of developing this kind of business. I give it one more year, not too long a time if you put things in perspective. And then I will be able to juggle one event each month, so they turn out great.

I have not discarded the idea of teaching painting on weekends. I will have the space to do so, and the investment on cubicles and seats and materials will not be so overpowering. But then again, I must wait a year… until I am well established in my home.

So… I have the plans, I have the dates, I have the talents, I have the creativity, and I have the will… I know what I must do and how to do it. But it all gets slowdown because I have no godfather in terms of money, so I must do everything myself, little by little, with just the right amount of sacrifices. I know where I am heading. It is just frustrating having to sit down and wait because right now there is nothing else I can’t do… It’s all about timing. Opportunity always misses my door… Hopefully it will knock at my door… Soon enough…

And in the middle of all the chaos of what I want to do and achieve in my life, the emotions and feelings of failure due to living a life doing what I hate is… discouraging… to say the least. I thought by now I would have achieved a stable dream job, would have a stable mate, would have a stable little family… But it all has come to ashes. I must endure in this job I hate because there are no other options for now. I have no mate, I definitively don’t have a family and I’m seriously pondering if I really want one after all… I am not what most men want, and the only men that understand my way of thinking are gay. After 30 no one approaches you because of who you are but because of what they can get out of you. I have tried to open myself to new friends, but that has proved a terrible mistake as they only want one thing and I am not interested. I find the only people that honestly likes being around me are the ones I have known for more than 10 years, and that is the reason why I seemingly rotate around them at all times. They are the ones that were there when I was nothing, when I had achieved nothing… and they are the ones that are still there, believing in me. No love can be greater than the love they have given me. And yet, something is missing… I feel empty no matter how much I try to make things right. I feel that love has left my heart forever. And that is a terrible belief in itself… I feel my time for love is past. Seems I will always be the best friend for everyone who loves me, but nothing else… because of themselves and because of me.

How to understand everything… Here I am back at the beginning… In a cold office, trying to ignore the pressures of coworkers, the pressures of home and the pressures of my own. Only the good die young… Now I know why.

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