Oh, the drama of it all!

These past days have been full of loads… both good loads and bad loads. Neverland was shaken and everything was to change, yet of all things I made the assumption that friendship would prevail, as friendship should be inconditional between people who love each other. Seems I was wrong… but still I stray from the thought that all is lost, as I keep the belief that when the waters calm down, reason and heart should grant passage to a renewed thing… I have been testing waters doing what I haven’t for more than 20 years: Thinking of myself first. It has been troublesome and tiresome, as of course, reactions have varied in all ranges from bad to worst. I have nothing against anyone, I am not looking for a vendetta or revenge or retribution, I am not even gambling friendship away as I thought that was a certain thing at all times… I just have to come to terms in life, if I am to truly live. And that has been my quest for long…

Betsy’s death stirred many things within me, especially that sense of “what if I die today”… I know that her death was sudden, unexpected, painful… But it brought a child into this world… And she left many lessons for those who actually took note. That woman was really an inspiration in my life. Nothing extraordinary about her, she was simply whole. She died, but she did everything she wanted to do. She was living her dreams. And that I admire and respect. Not everyone has the strength and courage and guts to live their dreams, as if it were the last day to live… She taught me that simple lesson. And for long I tried to simply do that… And as I tried reaching out towards that goal, my flight was always halted by invisible walls that took me down all the time. The walls were not coming from me… I knew that. It just went against my nature to do things against anyone… walking over those whom I have loved for so long, for whom I would die willingly. Many chances for change of winds, many wasted opportunities… What to do when you are not taken seriously, when all you get are so many bullets that the pain is a big soreness that hideously shows the mangled parts of who you are…

No blames. I am not here to put blames on anyone. Each knows their own deeds. I only know me, who I am, what I do. And so I grasped the only hint of light that the endless darkness brought along. That it turned out to be a brilliant star that now guides my path, it was all chance… A lovely surprise un-planned for… I thought I could walk along the worlds soundly, but seems that the same people that I love so much want me to take sides on matters… There was never a choice. For me things were fine… and everyone could get along if they wanted to... I thought that my joy would be contagious… How wrong I was…

I am not to dwell on this again. I already had my share of tears and cannot go on in this trip… I refuse to. It’s been almost 20 years of crying endlessly and bitterly and enough is enough. Be at my side out of your own free will, if you want to, if you like it… And take me as I am, for there is nothing evil in who I am… Stay only if you can look me straight in the eye, and promise no lies. My real friends know that is my core, and it doesn’t matter the odds or if they deserve it or not, they know within me they live forever because my love NEVER dies.

So… I’m a bit brooding… Duh. And very sad… I expect maybe too much of some people… But still, I go on. My star shines bright before me, and unlike other times… its magic is healing up some deep old wounds.

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