FRACTURES

I have been through shadow and storms, yet keeping high hopes on those that must be kept... So much, so little... I was happy just knowing that the few chosen were indeed that... chosen... and I had no doubts at all that my chosen would face anything for me as I would for them. And then came the Times of Trouble. And the Grand Conjunction. And Death Unchained.

What is the Epilogue of the book?

All is about irony, truth, faith, love, courage, honor, loyalty. Sweet dreams are made of these... Through life and unlife four pillars surround the pyre within my core: Raven, Coriolis, Groundel, Zordak. My pillars... from an ancient time of kings and legends, to the melting apocalyptic zenith of walls, intolerance, vanity, selfishness and regression of the modern ages... My pillars rise and faced starless nights, dark suns, dragon raids... Time has not passed in vain. Time has granted creases and weariness and shapelessness to my ancient wonders. Changes have been imminent, changes some for the better, some still big mysteries...

I'll never understand why it is so easy to choose ignoring, carelessly dismissing something that has been an ongoing story of so many years through thick and thin. What did not kill should have made us strong. What constantly worked against us should have melded our souls in an unbreakable bond weaved in higher ground. Watching our backs, sharing all details, both useless and great...

I'm sad that I've placed in such high places these chosen ones, but somehow they failed to see or believe or feel my sincere will for being there no matter what... because that's what friends are for in good times and bad times... And impossible times.

Zordak married the Witch, and all Hell broke. It simply broke. I still don't understand why. I am hopelessly clueless about it. But my sincere ignorance has never been enough for explanations, or for actions that at least allows some Hakuna Matata.

Raven chose silence, silence everlasting. She retreated into shadow just because... I'll never know why... What I did... Of all people I was so transparent and so happy to just help her life be better... Everlasting silence, even with Groundel's death.

Coriolis... The knight of solamnia, the lawfully evil, the seeker of the beyond... I still don't get answers, or thoughts, or lightning bolts. Worst than that, I've become forgotten, not important enough to acknowledge in any way. Rattling swiftly while poised into self awareness... Where was the wrong turn? Why? I did not lie, I made no demands... I lurked in shadows until summoned... I respected so much my equal, my constant challenger. My counselor and diary. And then it was... silence.

Groundel... Perfectly imperfect ugly Groundel, raw and chaotic. And in his chaos his voice never stopped singing the song of endurance, of not giving up, of living for what is important. No matter what, imperfect Groundel always found a way to let me know my worth, to make me smile through trials, to believe in what is beyond the stars. Imperfect Groundel seeked by many taking advantage of him, shunned by others deeming him worthless... yet he was the one with many reasons to retreat in silence yet he chose to be there, always, good and bad. He was raw. He was real. He faced the worst in me And did not retreat. And now he's dead. A different kind of silence... not by choice.

I spent so many years of my youth defending, giving, helping, listening, solving... for those I believed were the special ones that I would keep forever in my life. I went through so many lengths that now, as I look back, makes me feel so sad about me. I did not ask for anything, but I did give all. With so much fire, I sincerely believed that my pillars were my forever family, my pack. I needed nothing else to be happy. How hard is it for me to rip them off my life... yet how easily they ripped me from theirs... How hard is not sending daily/hourly messages yet how easily they let months pass by without saying one word. How I kill myself to keep my promises, and how much disregard they have for my time, my feelings, heck... My life...

The saddest realization is knowing that those you love, admire, believe in, care for, wish for, beyond sanity are exactly the ones that constantly spurn you and who believe their lives are better without little invisible inconsequential me. And Why? The world will never know. I will never know...

I've had 3 big earthquakes that have changed everything. Deedee's death at the top of the list, my best friend Groundels death, and the internalization that I also lost my second best friend this year... his choice as a side casualty of his quest to find his holy grail. He said he would call... 3 months ago. Maybe someday... Not holding my breath...

Wasted years. Wasted time. Wasted belief. Done with this world of lies and deceit, where the honest and true are scorned and stepped all over yet evil triumphs constantly. So done.