Back from the grave?

So this is Xmas…

What can I say… These days have been filled with so much contradiction. Everything being so bitter-sweet, everything being a mix of it all. Family behaving as the strangers they are… Friends teleporting every now and then… My dearest being his lovely self all the time… But somehow, deep inside, something seems so sad about it all… The puzzle is never truly completed… There is always something there to remind me…

Mother and auntie are quite disrupted since granny was taken to the hospital two days before Xmas. She had to stay there in intensive care. Her operation was performed yesterday, and took from 5pm to 8pm. The way that modern science try to elongate the inevitable is amazingly pointless… From what people that visited her today said, she was quite happy with everyone, talking a lot… She seemed to be doing better. As I arrived at 7pm, my aunt was in tears because my mother had told her that the doctors just said that granny is in a coma and that all they can do is give her medication to ease the pain… And that’s it. They found a tumor that evidently is malign… She already had cancer in her ovaries thanks to which all her reproductive system had been cast out, and obviously tht wasn’t enough. There was never proper care. Granny did all she could under the circumstances, most of the time not eating at all and expecting medicines to work wonders on an empty stomach. Can’t say that her children took any care whatsoever to make her well. Her son only appeared and called to get the little cents she had… Her daughter couldn’t care less… No food, no paying attention to her complaints, no time… So granny lived the life of a ghost, being remembered only when and if needed.

I cannot say that it all has been different with me. As I already said, my family is synonym of perfect strangers… I can only feel for two people who have always been there showing me unconditionality: my aunt and my uncle. And believe me, their way of showing their love is very hectic… and quite aloof. I am not emotional with whom is in no way attached to me. I may be emphatic… but some people have done so many things along the way that you cannot help but think why should you be compassionate. It is human to wonder such things in such a raw way… and wrong. Our Lord wants us to forgive and forget, and do unto others as you want others to do unto you. And we should cultivate a selfless spirit, being humane and just and fair… It is so hard to follow such teachings when you already have a perception that is backed up with truth… All I can do then is trying to stay neutral… And then I seem so emotionless. No. I just prepare myself to react being a problem solver because I know that things will come in such a way that everyone else will be lost in momentary emotions and noone will be able to actually think or make decisions. The story of my life… I bet my aunt thinks that just because I simply took a bath and locked myself up in my bedroom I am completely ignoring the situation about granny. She must be thinking of all the mistakes she made while raising me, because she created such a monster completely devoid of feelings… Someone who doesn’t follow the expected traditional “ay bandito” talk. I may feel my heart in a knot, but what else can I do… I lament the whole situation. I lament that the people that seem to be concerned are the ones that only wanted to get money from her… My cousin and his wife, my uncle from Florida, even my mother… All of them close to granny on a day by day basis… allof them taking her lifeforce and then showing the world such deep concern… Hypocrites. And they shall be remembered as the ones who cared… I wish it would be so. My belief is so tarnished thanks to so many reality checls…

And so, granny lays in bed waiting for science to give up and for the Reaper to finally take her to a better world. It moves me… But I think that the way she lives in this world is not truly living. Being enclosed in a bubble… erm, house… 24/7… No distractions, no human touch, no purpose… Is that better than being in a coffin? Seeing the cruelty layed on her husband, whose daughter put on a human shelter… erm, elder house… Seeing reality as her own daughter wouldn’t spend time with her for any reason… Seeing the news everyday, a world that is darker by the second, hopeless by a thought… I wonder if love ever reached that heart. I wonder if only once love filled a moment, an action, a smile… because everything I’ve seen is that they all reacted to get something… None of them ever did something out of selfless care. I wonder if she married my grandfather because of an illusion, or because of status. I wonder if she had her children out of true desire or simply because she had to fill the role that society imposses on married women… I wonder if there have ever been a hug just because, a kiss just because, a reching out just because… I wonder so many things… And it all saddens me. This material world that we all try so hard to survive in… how worthless it is! How empty and filthy and shallow and careless it is! And how come so many live their lives to get it all, and they do get it all… and then they find out they may have everything, but nothing can buy a warm hug, a sincere smile, the sweetness of true love…

For whom the bell tolls… Soon, it tolls for all of us soon enough. In the meanwhile, the dreaded silence, the long hours, the wait… The question is: What are you going to do with the time that you’ve cheated from Death? What are you going to do to really live?

So this is Xmas…

Friday: The Xmas gathering at midday at work SUCKED. And I was driven with a strong desire to simply go away from the place… I took the afternoon off, with the aid of my mage I took my small tree and the door garland and placed them in my car. Went to take auntie to the bank, to the grocery place… And then back home I finished putting up lights and stuff. Just as I was going to bed Groundel called, but I sticked with my plan… I was too tired, and wanted to sleep some because the mage wanted to go to the movies at midnight. So… I woke up to my mage’s tune. He arrived a bit later than I expected, and I knew that we would not make it… He had gone to his den to change and make himself ravishing… but the price was missing the movie… Oh, well… He decided to take us to Rincon, and we went there… Nothing to see, all was bad… I guess it was one of those days in which you really want to go out but there is absolutely nowhere to go. Ended up gathering provisions and crashing browsing the net… Cést la vie!

Saturday: Awakened by Michael, who asked if I was gonna do the mission… Oh, yes, I am… but why wake me up before midday, damnit! Well… Went to take Groundel and his stuff back to Lady Death’s den. Big fight because he doesn’t get he has to slow down a bit in life because of his foot… which is not cured completely. In the end, got wet twice (thought I would get sick) and left him at the mall because he was gonna meet some friends… I kept his necessary stuff (bandages & gifts) and tried to calm myself after such a bad tide… So many things to do, so said my list… I was quite upset because of all the people in the street… the rain… situations… The mage took me around, first to eat, then to make sure things were fine, then to wonder why I torture myself so much… then to take me away from this place… and so we ended up in Aguadilla. Nothing deep, just walked around and then we came back… Admiring the few lights that were lit this year… I was quite tired, feeling quite crappy, convinced I was sick… so went home early, and quite sad.

Sunday: Laundry… Gathering stuff to sell… The usual. Auntie told me about granny’s operation due on Tuesday. It all seemed a normal procedure so I really didn’t worry much… Went by the mages den before nightfall. Munchkin already was flapping around her new Dora plush doll, seems Santa was a bit early that day… Munchkin’s mom being in bitchy mode leading to mage being upset. Since it was the night before Xmas, church offers the Rooster Mass LOL So… Went to Groundel’s place to give him his bandages and things he bought the day before. Invited him to accompany us, and he was bored enough to say yes. Lady Death also went with us, after a mandatory change of attire (from sultry vixen to village virgin… Who knew? LMFAO!!!) The church didn’t crumble down at Groundel’s arrival. The mage was still upset, but the happy place and the drama evolving made the night interesting enough for him to dismiss his woes. From the moment I sat, I spotted a woman and an old guy and I told the mage “That is my mother”. He said nah… I mentioned the same to Groundel and he satarted ducking “Your mother! Where? Where!” LOL… Communion showed the mage that I was right… And the hilarious thing was that I was so concerned and it was actually my mother who looked at us as if we were ghosts or the four riders of the Apocalypse… Anyway… The priest never ceases to surprise us, this time he added FX to the ceremony. Everything was planned so as he blessed the altar, all Xmas lights would come up in the church and figures would move. That was lovely! Father Edwin is white and nerdy and proud of it. Yup, he’s one of us. :) As mass finished, there was the long line to kiss baby Jesus, and so we passed by my mother whom I saluted, followed by the mage and LadyDeath. I savored the moment saying “Oh, and over there in that corner is Groundel”… LOL So I sent the minion of Discord to him… I know he just loved that. They were giving asopao and juice outside church, but it was after midnight and we were all tired, so we went away fast. Delivered Groundel and Lady Death (hope that they both had a good time… in a way, this was a special silent night, Holy night). Stayed at the mage’s den for some food and went home… Of course I invited him over. So, as we arrived (and I was disappointed that auntie was sleeping) I turned on all lights and gave the mage Santa’s delivery. We stayed outside talking a lot until it was just too cold for me to bear it. And so, he vanished in the mists… Don’t you just love magic?

Monday: Woke up around midday. Fuss about mommy coming with her friend to eat at auntie’s, so I simply had breakfast and flew away to the mage’s den… with Xena Season 2 in my hands… Watched some episodes, went to get Groundel to take him to Michael’s house so he would get his insulina and in the way he got dinner for all. The mage and Michael seemed to get along well. After nightfall, we all went away… delivered Groundel and back to the mage;s den for more Xena mayhem. Yay! There were chapters that I actually have never seen… Who knew?


Tuesday: First thing in the morning went to take the mage in a paying bills spree. Afterwards found some gifts for some special kids, and went to pick Groundel so we would visit Raven and her children. Spent the afternoon over there, Groundel being quite busy putting together the raft of the lost boys from Neverland. Time went fast, Groundel invited a hearthy fishy dinner, and then I delivered the half orc into Michael’s realm of cards so I could go home to navigate ebay. Found some needful goodies after a long search, as well as the right inspiration for some garments. The mage’s mom will take care of actually making them, soon enough.And so, the mage appeared and the witching hour took us further into the lands of ebay… LOL I was falling asleep, so he left… to keep on with a quest…

Wednesday: The mage sent me a message, he found the missing place where the keepers of the rings lay. Yay! That quest is almost over… Picked up Groundel to go paint some at my house. Spent the whole afternoon priming walls… By nightfall I was too beat. Delivered Groundel, met Raven.. Came home, to find the ghastly news about granny… And so, I’m waiting for the mage to teleport and hold me tight. No news… Clock keeps ticking… I’m tired and sleepy. Life goes on…

Thursday: What's up for tomorrow? Need to go to the lab when I wake up, at 10am must go with the mage and his mom to get the stuff for the wedding, need to take auntie to see granny at 1pm, need to take Groundel to the mall in search for a shoe after 2pm… I foresee a long stressful day full of drama… Whatever. Everything in its right place, as God wills.

2006 has been a year of deep changes, bitter battles, high achievements and mournful losses. It marked my life forever, in every way. May 2007 be more merciful and kind…

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