Another worthless week passes by. Said some… being told some… Tried doing some… Always swimming against the current, nothing ever goes my way. Hexed from birth, thank you very much. One by one the lords of the council vanish, either stepping out or being murdered by fate. Good? Bad? Who can really tell… I’m out of place. I keep feeling ethereal, as an apparition that people passes by every moment. Transparent, inconsequent, unimportant, taken for granted, ignored, hated, misunderstood, misjudged… So many things the ignorant assume just by looking at you… So many things that friends and family assume as they don’t even bother to ask… I am so tired of people assuming things from me, things that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am and what I believe. Somehow I am expected to be this titanic entity of evil, and seems no matter how much they know you it is all they believe… It is disappointing when you take blames that are not yours, when people insist on you being something that is completely opposite of you.
Facing the world and its challenges is one thing, facing your close ones is another thing. It all has been a waste of time, a waste of hope, a waste of good intentions, a waste of love. It is true, more often than not people deserve what comes to them… but when a constant of bad things happens to the good people one has to wonder where is the justice? Where is the fairness? Is it really true that good things come to those who wait? Is it true that goodness prevails in the end? The only real truth is that only the good die young… and I can see why. The world suffocates any good intention because it either fears it or envies its intent. There are countless reasons for not being good… the most common is ease of living… followed by convenience and personal gain… followed by the wrong definition of what freedom means… followed by hate, anger and fear… followed by raw violence, carelessness and retribution… followed by loss, mundane bliss and carnal awakening… Countless reasons to kill off the idea of what love is, of true friendship, of compassion, of faith, of hope, or the greater good… Why suffer when you can live well… Who cares about a condemned soul, it is not as important as an instant of retribution… Who cares about the concept of good when evil is so delicious? Why think twice when many can benefit of a tainted act?
I don’t presume to be innocent. I have many flaws, and every day I fight many demons to stay in the trail of the Divine. Life and circumstances do not make things easy, a fiery entity as I am is easily taunted and enraged… But I do bind myself to some core rules so I do not regret my actions. I know regret, just one event in my life was enough to teach me regret… enough to make me try by all means to stay away from that path. That is why I may seem so passionate towards good beliefs, so bitchy in the eyes of people… I know that to each person truth may have different shades, but interpretation of truth is one thing and real facts is another. Real facts in black and white are true, no matter if they work against one. And that’s how things should always be. Bending the truth, disguising it, covering it up, saying nothing about it… in the end it all leads to pain and troubles even deeper that the truth would have brought in the first place. It is a simple fact that everyone around me seems to disdain, ignore, dismiss… Lies lead to deep regret as they lead to deep hurt that never heals.
So many good intentions can be misinterpreted as being judgements or opinions… So many words can be misinterpreted as being tactless, mean, accusing… Speaking up is worst than writing things down, as words often flow without the adequate structure… And have the added burden of tone and expressions… When I speak up most people think I am fighting all the time. My warrior speaks in commands and so certain of herself… As mercurial as I am there is no way to avoid being emotional in tone and expressions… And that translates to being bitchy. But a few have been there to witness how soothing my voice can be, so bitchiness is not an innate thing that always happens… It happens as situations deserve it. Is it my fault that most situations ask for it? I will not stand aside and do nothing if I know I can do something or say something about a matter…
Most people dismiss little things as unimportant, when in reality little things can be the most important because they completely deal with the question of who you are and who you believe yourself to be, and who you want to be. I am cursed with seeing the little things that matters, and so I must point them out. People live their lives in such hectic ways, taking for granted so many things… And it makes me think that if I were to miss the little things as a consequence of haste and ignorance, nothing would matter… because the little things were the most important things… Staying true to who you are is important. Living righteously is important. No regrets or fears or anger or choices should hinder who you are in the core as long as you do what is right… No one said that doing what is right is easy, or painless, or self-explanatory… As a matter of fact it is painful, it is difficult, it is mostly NOT appreciated by anyone human… And it can get really lonesome in the process… The world CAN and WILL turn against you. Nothing will be as planned, or as expected… But only one thing will remain: Truth with no regrets.
And so all I have is truth with no regrets… I’m sad, yes. I’m deeply hurt, yes. I wish things were different, yes. I wish I didn’t feel so lonely in this forsaken world, yes. But although I do not have anything material, or anyone really standing at my side looking with me to the future… I have peace of mind. I fight for dead causes, but they are worthy causes. I know who I am even if I don’t know my purpose. I am a survivor, and although I may not get all I want in this lifetime I know that there are plenty of other lifetimes to make up for this one. I am not happy, granted, but I am certain that striving for good against all odds will bring happiness in the end. Wherever that end may be.
Yes, I don’t remember the last time I smiled for a full day. Yes, I don’t recall careless kindness sent my way. I have been so lost that I’ve been looking up the definition of real love everywhere. My sadness brings me down to it. I think I have lost the ability to love, and it seems ironic because all I do is because of love… string-less, unconditional, perennial… My burdens are not just my own, and I don’t mind. I’ve always believed that whoever I love is part of me, and so their lives are part of me forever. Trilogy, Raven, Coriolis, and Groundel… Always my greatest loves. Auntie, my only close family. And when I get the thoughtless sentence “that is not of your business” it simply feels as a slap in the face, because my things are always their business and so their things are mine… because we are one… because love made it so… because our bond gives that right. So it is in my mind and in my heart. I cannot change that. So I cannot stop being hurt by those I love most. I’ve tried to conceal my all-emotions weakness, and it comes stronger than ever. Fate is fickle and has a good sense of humor… which I don’t.
“As long as there is light within, thou shall not fear darkness even if it engulfs you.”
-Nizzré Mrimm, Harpist of Eilistree
10-4
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