Draining world

This week has been pretty draining, been arriving at home and sleeping even with the lights on… to wake up at 10pm and then find no sleep until 2-3am… Too many thoughts, maybe… Too much stress, maybe… What to do with all I have going on?, maybe… I want to do the things I like so I can get rid of the things I hate, but how to do so without affecting the things I have? And need to do something to fix the things I have so everything else flows…

Been feeling like something holds me tighter and tighter by the throat, and answers seem to keep straying away. Found out a better alternative to the psycho stuff I wanted to study, in terms of how it could help me do what I want to do… but I need to put some money into it that is not thousands but that I don’t have… My car keeps its constant plea for a bit of care, and the house… well, that one is in a coma… Work is boring, un-challenging and stale. Waiting for what will happen on the 3 convocatories I got grades for… And for the results I know I must wait perhaps until next May 2007. Many bosses will go home this year’s end (retiring) so the land of opportunity may flourish… But the holding on to this crappy place until then, which means another full year of crap… May pay off, may not pay off…

Local government insist on making of the middle class’s life round and sound squares… But I don’t actually hate this place as much as I think. The problem is always the same: Money. And it is not about being materialistic, but of enjoying life… Living. I want to be able to live. I want to be able to stay at a Parador during a weekend without worrying about what will I eat in the next 3 months… I want to be able to go anyplace anywhere without thinking my debt can take the only thing I own. I want to be able to attend seminars and to study art without having to think: Will it be profitable? I want to be able to go see my friends anywhere in the world without having to think about next day’s gas for the car.

I don’t think I ask for much. To actually have the time to paint… To actually have the time to read… To actually have the time to enjoy a sunset in a quiet beach… Little pleasures… And it’s the little pleasures that matters more than anything else… Little pleasures I cannot even dream of tasting right now… And dreams, oh, I have to spare seven more lifetimes…

It is frustrating dreaming high, expecting so much of yourself, doing everything the hard way and watching how it doesn’t pay off. It is frustrating seeing how people that makes no effort in any aspect of their lives get the whole pumpkin instead of the barren seeds. I am tired of this reality. I am drained of this reality. I want to do so many things, but somehow I am chained and cannot set free… If only the chains could break… If only one miracle happened into my life… Just one.

10-4