Trial

Me, Im still with cold & flu. But it should not matter as the Force runs strong within me... Auntie has fever and cold, but wont take medicines not even a friggin panadol. I try to help and I get curses as I was the one who brought sickness into this house, and she just wants me and everyone else to leave, cats included, since she is tired of serving and of everything. Ok... WTF?

Well, I should not be surprised with her stupidity, as when the drivers came over to bring the activity plants and they asked her about me she said I only liked being served, that I did absolutely nothing else. I felt offended because that is not the truth, but apparently that is all she seems to understand from my staying in this cursed house. It has not ocurred to her that perhaps I stay beause I dont want to leave her alone, beause she is 83, and I have seen the changes. No. I just stay so I am served. My kitties are confined in a room, but they are a bother anyway. I am confined to a room because in this house anything I say is wrong, but that is not the important thing...

I am tired and deeply hurt. She always thinks ill of me, and I am the only one who is always trying to help. So I am not the "hugs and kisses" type... Sorry, you raised me that way. You raised me being an emotional sponge that never shows feelings but that cares with all her heart. You raised me believing in core goodness, believing that even if the world doesnt see the good you do what matters is that you know you do... You raised me believing in being my best at all times, believing that I could do anything, believing that I could conquer any galaxy. And so I have deep feelings and emotions, artsy and creative... and I have an atunement with my surroundings that makes my heart break each time I see forests destroyed and animals killed for sport. You created me this way, aloof but real and there, a problem solver, altruistic, egotistical... but able to handle anything anytime... And you dare to say I do nothing in here, all I do is being served. She even ventured that I keep Groundel around me because he serves me.I will never forget those words. It is always the people who should know who you are who absolutely know nothing of you.

If I were the selfish bitch that everyone thinks I am, my wings would have taken me to Florida or California. I would be working within the arts area that I love so much, studying theatre, making scenographies... The day I was born was the same day Picasso died, what a cool idea... maybe my longing for artistic expression is due to the fact that I am his reencarnation... But I wont fill my ego so much with that thought... The important thing is I am a creative entity chained down because of duty. Duty, and love.

My only reason to stay in this cursed island is my aunt. I see no future for me in a place where everything is highly political and true talents are nothing. Here you need good palas to progress in life. It is who you are and who you know. My resume scares the shit off common people here, especially my bosses. My drive to keep on learning seems an oddity in an island where reggaeton, sex, beer and drugs are the most important thing in people's lives. My affinity with ecletic things and themes makes me an easy target for being considered a loony. So be it. I only stay because of my aunt, because I am all I am because of all the sacrifices she made for me while I was growing up.

She raised me. She studied with me. She made me take piano lessons (that sucked), sewing lessons, painting lessons. She made me learn the ways of high society, of ettiquette and finesse (which I would later on mock... and still mock as a matter of fact). Thanks to her I had beautiful dresses for the flower parades, and for my poetry contests. Thanks to her I kept on with the artsy drawing and painting obsession. Thanks to her I dreamed of getting a college degree because I wanted to keep the family business... the same one my uncle (a man that raised me believing that gender did not matter)sold because he could not see a woman in charge of the business. I promised myself I would have my own business, and that is still in the drawers... but I have not forgotten.

Thanks to her I have instruction and education. Thanks to her I have values and a heart. Thanks to her I am an iron hand, with no velvet glove. Overachiever, no one will make me shut up, no one will stand in my way, I still have so much to do... in the core, all fueled by her, by her life, by how women were subdued in the past, by how men take advantage of a woman's character... I learned much only by observing her... a tireless titan who always gave expeting nothing in return... and who is now bitter just beause of that. She had nothing in return. She made my uncle, and after 35 years of marriage he left her for a woman that is not even close to a shadow of who my aunt is. She raised my mother and my mother stole from her. She helped her brother and he stole from her as well. She took care of her mother, her father and her aunt until they died. And she took me in since my 4th birthday, to raise me as her own child. In truth I admire her, and I understand her bitterness, as in my short life I have felt something close to that... but in all I still have not lost my heart. And she has. And it makes me so sad...

I am angry at her, at what I call her stupid beliefs... at her stubborness... She will never acknowledge me for being right about anything... she doesn't let me help her... I feel bound. I cannot be a watcher, I am a woman of action not just words. And she just let me do that... watch and do nothing. Plus I must dig her insults... which have no other foundation than the anger she feels for everyone being thrown at me because I happen to be there. Nothing is ever fair. Especially for rightous women, espeially for us.

If she wants me to leave, I can leave. I have my house. I just have to wait one more month, to put light and move my stuff. And that will be that. But I am not the one that will be so affected by that change... I know she needs me, now more than ever. But her rage and rebelliousness makes her throw stones at me. And all I have left intact is my dignity. I am tired of being wounded for nothing. I just wished she saw the truth, at least just once.

Nothing is ever simple... nothing is black and white. Yet shades of grey get so confussed with the mists in my land...

10-4