I thought I had enough of pain, that I was trough with feeling pain and that my heart had gone steady and strong and even cold. I was wrong. Today I have felt a pain within me that has no description and no boundaries. Sudden, unexpected, swift, deadly… I have learned I still have tears to shed, and my ability to love left me… If I had a sword through my heart before, now it is no more… because the sword was taken away with the entire heart, after moving it sideways within my flesh, making sure that no trace of warm blood was left… As the shower of daggers ripped me open, I found my strength to stand leaving me. I held the doorframe trying to not fall, as my spirit went out of my body… I listened speechless… I couldn’t find inner force to make myself angry and reply, as I would normally do.

There is no point to words. There is only near-sightness and selfishness and an unreasonable jealousy that cannot allow any ray of hope, or any truth… He is fixed on the same idea, the same viewpoint, the same thoughts, which are not reality, which are not true… How can I compete with all he has quilted in his brain? What can I say to things, actions and words that hurt much without a point? He dares to doubt me in every way, and without any reason. And all I gave him was truth and dreams and all the love I had. This is it. This is the point of no return. This is where he chose to kill my heart and stop it all, even if it drives him insane, even if it is the worst mistake he knows he’s making. His desperation within his irrational ways leads him. Nothing else to do. I feel… Is that a consolation in itself? I still feel… After more than 15 years, I still feel…

What lies ahead... just around the riverbend? Now, that song made so much sense... And foretold so much change...

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