Big Mistake

I am barely alive... this can't be called living. This has been the worst idea that I've had. Moving in with my aunt has proven to be the worst of all choices this year... Why? I get screamed at 24/7 for everything I do... and for everything I don't do... It is not important the fact that things are not my fault, if I am around it is my fault no matter what. I am 32 year olds, biologically. For her, I'm just 12 year olds and I know nothing about the world, about living and about the things I do. I am stupid, ignorant, flamboyant, and all I do is lead an easy life. For her I am not a professional who is fighting for her own place and her own things... no... for her I am a leech that takes advantage of the little things she has, a chaotic disruption in her order, someone who has no use other than bothering, bossing and being tossed around. She has no respect for me, for who I am, for my beliefs...

She doesn't get that I need peace and quiet, that I am on vacation and that the last things I've been having is fun... That I am juggling the construction, the cats, personal issues, work issues, everyone elses issues... and I simply cannot stand or be around screaming and yelling and fighting just because it is my fault that I breathe. I needed a vacation from work because of the constant nagging of people... peace of cake when compared to this 24/7 nagging that has no sense in itself... I had no choice but to leave the apartment in order to do the house thing... Can't she see that I am not here just because it is comfy and relaxed... because it is NOT comfy, it is NOT relaxed, it is driving me nuts, it DISRUPTS my inner peace... I hate going home to soemone elses home, having to give every reason and detail of what I'm doing or what I'm gonna do or what I bought or what I eat or what I drink or why the cats act as cats, or why everyone is as they are, or why the world is having so many calamities, or why God put me here to try my patience when He knows I have none less!

This aint good for my nerves, it aint good for my mental health, it aint good for trying to smile and accomplish the little goals I must accomplish in order to set things straight... She volunteered when I asked, and I asked 5 times. I hesitated and she said all the way that this was my home and would always be... that she would help. Honestly, if she had said no at least I would have had the headache of getting more money and staying on the apartment until things were done. I have not really saved anything in matters of cash because now I have no place to cook because she wont let me touch anything in the kitchen, she wont let me wash my clothes because I could damage the washing machine, and I have no place to really rest and be... simply be... My little apartment was a haven, each time I closed the door to the world it was my space, my air, my silence...

I hope that construction ends up soon because I need to move by Thanksgiving. I know that living there will be harsh at first without furniture and stuff, but I rather be surrounded by candlelight and sleep in a place where no one will tell me what I must do or shouldnt do or simply anoy me because it seems fun. It's that bad in here... I find myself crying every night because of it... a knot in my throat as I see that good intentions are one thing and reality is another... I love my aunt, she is a real mother to me, but I cannot live under her roof if I want to truly live. Its as simple as that.

True colors shine through, for everyone.

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