It is a little bit funny, this feeling inside… I feel sadness and happiness converging into a mixed feeling brew that looks sassy and delicious. I just wrote a long babble about it, but Fate had its first wicked thrust and it was erased… So… I talked about my feelings, a lot about them… I talked about Death. But it was not a bad talk, Death is a cool gal.

“And if I die today I’ll be a happy phantom, and I’ll go chasing the nuns out in the yard…”

LOL Nah, really, I wouldn’t chase nuns… Maybe friends and foes, but leave the nuns to their prayers, ok? Whatever… Mixed feelings… Like a bowl of mixed tropical fruits, yummy… I guess… If I die today it wouldn’t be so bad. If I die today I would be ok with it. I have the memories of tasting the best things in life, Love, Friends, Money, and even 5 seconds of Fame. No complaints. I have been a creative entity, and all my life that fact has been reinforced. Work, play, studies, dreams, hopes, reality, EVERYTHING has evolved around my creative pulsings, and so everything has been good even in its own odd way. I rise in my cloud above the utilitarian day by day of the little people, with hard work I have earned my instruction and my job status, and my hearth shaped golden values that go on against the storms of today’s ignorance and lack of ethics, morals and love.

I have a good life. I am surrounded by love even if it is not the love I want… but it is love and its value shall not me underestimated… I have friends that would take a bullet for me, I have the unconditional love of my 8 feline companions, I have the never-ending love of my aunt, I have tasted True Love and its ramifications, I know that although I may seem to walk alone I'm never alone. I have the mind, the heart, the creativity, the spontaneity, the will, the courage, and the warmth… I have enough material things to live, and to share. I have enough belief and faith to know that my purpose is big and that I may not be aware of what it is but I may be doing just what was fated in a way… I am my own, have not sold my soul or my beliefs to anyone, have not bent my knee for false beliefs or false prophets. I have been patient, and kind, and tough and swift. I have been a warrior at times, pleading mercy for some, bringing justice to others. I am not afraid, never have been and won’t start now… Truth, honor, faith, loyalty, courage… they have all been my shields in battle and so I have not been defeated. In this world of loss and ill thoughts and ill actions and rotten souls, I have survived. I am still innocent in my ways, I still keep hope and belief… I still dream…

So if I die today, I’ll be a happy phantom… Because I lead a good life, with good feelings and good actions… And I would feel compelled to stay and reckon my memory to those who loved me… and to torment with my visage those who wished me ill…

Whooohooo… The time is getting closer…
Whooohooo… The time to be a ghost…

Well, besides all this ghostly crap… The weekend left me strengthless and drained. Worked too much painting and the like… Today I arrived late at work because the blackouts left my clock out of focus… And I owe my life to a hungry kitty… LOL Not that anyone really noticed… Sometimes it is like I’m a ghost already…

Feeling moody. Sad about Groundel. Sad about kitties missing him. Sad about being lonely. Sad about the whole situation. Sad about leaving my Fortress of Solitude. Sad about shitty thoughts. Contempt with the best I could do. Contempt with the house thinguie… Mad it is not over yet… Contempt with friends and family… Contempt about Love, sad about Love, mad about Love… Sad I couldn’t go to SJ to celebrate Coriolis bday, sad I still have much to do and so little time to do it… Sad that help is not coming my way as I want it… Contempt that I breathe thanks to Flonase, that I walk even in sleep, that I can work even if I hate what I do, that I have so much that others lack… Contempt that I know I am blessed with many things, most of them intangible and invisible. Happy that my life is good, have always been throughout storms and shadows… Happy I have not surrendered, I am still my self, my own… Happy I’m still a dream to some, but a nightmare to others!

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