The past week has been as if I passed the gates of hell and was locked and chained to a rock... I have only been this sick two other times... the time when I was in a hospital for a whole week and was on the edge of dying... The time when I was alone in Carolina and I spent a whole week without getting off the bed and without been able to communicate with anyone because I had no phone, no doctor, no friends... This time it has lasted three weeks. I've had medicines, I've had a phone... And just when I needed those I love the most around me, just when I am here, so near... Nothing. That week alone in Carolina didn't hurt my spirit as much as these 14 days in my so called hometown.

Nothing much to do besides beeing feverish and watch old reruns on DvD. I went back for a whole week to 20 years ago. I remembered the thrill of watching that show, one hour each week... How I managed to get off my room unnoticed, and get to the living room, and turn on the tv so low that the voices were just whispers... 2am on a school night, ah... and that was perhaps the most wicked thing I did back in my childhood... Sneaking out to my living room just to watch a show that molded my dreams, my writings, my image of how my true mate would be... Beauty & the Beast. A simple, not so simple story... A reminder of what love is, of how it should be grasped and never let go of... A reminder of how strongly you shoud fight for it when you find it, a reminder that love goes beyond life, beyond time, beyond death. I embraced each word as I did back then when I knew nothing of love and I could only dream... How different all the words sound when you know you have tasted them in truth... And yet... Deep inside... It remains the same, the young child who knew nothing of love and who still years for her faceless knight in shining armor... for the one that would fight for her and be hers forever even against any odds... My dream... And thus, my inspiration... And so, I long for a white rose that will never caress my face again... And I bleed red roses as I am reminded of everything in between the lines... I'm dying. My heart is dying. And although my body seems to finally accept healing, my spirit keeps dying... And I am left with no words to explain... And I am left with no music within my soul... And I am left without a candle to guide my darkness...

May I rest in peace.