I was not good company yesterday. I’m trying to mute frustration, anger and helplessness and it turns into unleashing me in a raw, insensitive self. I’m jaded, and have no patience for things that are not of my taste… My tolerance has been tried so many times that it is only a thin line now… I don’t mean to strike… it happens. I cannot shut up, I have a mind and a voice and I will be heard. I was transported by some simple words into the past, where no matter how right I was I was told to shut up as if my opinion didn’t count, and I hated it. It’s a shift that I cant help because its certain tones and certain words that makes me turn to that time, and blinds me. I have this ongoing thoughts that just because Im a woman I am not taken seriously. It may or may not be true, but the thoughts are there and its difficult to keep a neutral attitude with thoughts like that lurking in the mind. It’s no ones fault… It’s my past, my experience, and the voices.

So I act as I think and talk as I think and that can get messy… Lucinda calls it been passionate about my ideals… I guess she is either right or too polite… but then she is one of the few who dares oppose my point of view and yet keeps smiling when she sees me… I guess she understands my inner storms better than I know them myself… Guess she understands my imperfections and let go of them, trading them off with all the good things I am and I believe. LOL It takes twenty two years of knowing someone to accept that person as a whole with the good and the bad… Thanks Lucinda.

Getting paranoic doesn’t help either. This idea that something wicked is coming my way, from everyone around me, is not good… Feel jaded, people has failed me too often for me to keep belief anymore. What can I say… I may be good but I am no idiot, and some things I just let pass because I care… and my caring consumes me.

Whatever…

Friday… The week is over. The sickness wants to prevail, but is slowly receding. I am getting a bit better, a bit stronger… Lets hope I just survive myself.

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