Friday summary: Looong day. Tummy ache, fever, anything you imagine I had it. Tried to reach my doctor but she was not available today, plus it was raining cats and dogs. High fever, runny nose... Tiresome sickness! At mid afternoon I gave up hope of seeing any human life and I submitted myself to my kitties will. I did some scrapbooking but got tired, and hungry... and no one to call for food... I hate depending on others, I hate feeling so vulnerable!

I've been moody too. Crying for nothing... Thinking and crying... Then stop thinking and crying more... Who can understand... I don't have answers anymore. I don't know what is the best thing for me, in the long run. I don't know which road I should follow... I feel I must do something and I fear that something is too big and overwhelming... And then I cry a bit more...

I'm getting to a point where I think there is nothing more to whatever is going on... Yes, travelling is an option, but everyday shit is always the same. The more one th=ries changing it the more it must stay the same. It is difficult to realize that although you have all this big ideas and abilities, you can't do all you could do before because you are not who you were in matters of body mostly. Diabetes is a drag... And even if i try not to think about it, whenever I get sick it is a major drag because it doubles the time for healing and it makes me slower in everything. And it annoys me and makes me mad. It makes me dependent on people and I cannot allow myself to depend on noone because either no one cares or the ones that care have no brains to handle things as they should...

Call me a supreme narcissistic leader, but I feel noone else can do things as I do... I cannot trust things to people because they just dont do what they must and it causes more stress in me. I expect too much, I ask too much... I dream too much. And I love too much.

I'll work, get a house, go ahead with the business plans, go ahead be an artist... And still it all feels empty... And seems it all will keep on being empty. Being positive has not helped... I am surrounded by friends, and I feel so lonely...

And so I think, and cry... and write... and cry... and try to heal, and cry...