Well, last night a Coriolis appeared in Mayaguez. He called up and invite us to dinner. We accepted, although we were already having pizza… better for him, we were cheap to spoil. :) We went to this place that may be ok to many but personally I think it is too expensive. I just view that a dinner should be fulfilling but also affordable… Always looking for bargains and deals… I feel bad that he has to pay for everything, no matter if he can, no matter it is his call, no matter he just do so because he likes us. I feel like a CARE child, always asking him to pay whenever he is around, or whenever I go over to Metro area… He knows I do so because I really cannot pay, but hey… I just feel bad. I am supposed to be a professional that can take care of anything, but in reality all I do is pay, pay, pay and keep on paying. I cannot spoil myself. I have too many obligations, so real life has made me… cheap? LOL In matters of money ONLY. At least now I am ok with the rent and phone bill. By November the car’s last payment will fly away, and so I’ll be able to put the other debts "al día". I must just think: One more year. I know that’s all that’s left on the 2 cards and 2 loans… By Nov next year, I’ll be free of the 4 of them, and then I will be able to do the sensible thing and have a savings account and a vacation account. Just one more year… I must focus on the speed of months passing by. And I must also focus on smiling and take things easy at work. A year can go fast, but can be quite a torment when working in the wrong environment…

Me: I feel between crossroads. I feel deeply sad when I should be bursting with joy. I am contempt and I acknowledge my life is not so bad… I just get discouraged because I have to take decisions 24/7, and I can rely on nobody to do the things that must be done. I am the commander in charge, the guidance, the lighthouse that lits the night so boats do not crash… And I guess tha right now the only thing that really scares me is that no one around me has the same ability or capacity to take charge and make things happen. I am tired of being the thinking head of so many, of pushing people towards what is right even if I must appear to be pushy and bossy… I always put the common good before my own good. I have put others lives before my own life. And I do not complain, I LIKE making a difference even if it is at small scale… If I could I would go big scale, but money moves this world, and one against the world is a tought, tiresome job that taxes one’s will… Baby steps. If I can change one life at least, in my lifetime, for the better, then things are worth the bother. I complain, I must admit that . And it sucks. I have all this plans and projects in my brain… And no one to help me do them. And between the trying to achieve my goals, working, helping people and taking care of my kitties the days pass too quickly to count… I am 31, and I feel I have accomplish nothing in my lifetime. Those around me would dissagree. I finished my Master studies two years ago, I finished my two BA’s six years ago, I have more than 8 years of experience working with computers, giving end user service and training… I paint ever since I was 5 years old in any media… I have been working member of diverse clubs at school: English, Spanish, Missionary Works… I was president of the Science Fiction club at college… I have taken training over in continental USA, and have visited sites at the US for work purposes… I excell in my job, and I excell as a student… I know that. I just know I was meant to do something more. And that is my biggest problem. I am too creative to stale being a technician… By now I should be a supervisor, or work at an Advertising company or in the media… Do theater works, do Scenography, publish books, make true the two business I’ve always wanted to create… I was born to be a leader, to create at any level and to awe the world. I feel I am rotting in my job. So many talents, and the go unnoticed… or the oppossite… people knows, and their envy turns them against me. In reality that sucks too, because whoever looks for me for help, I do help. If anyone asks me anything, I answer. If enyone wants to know how to do something I do, I teach. I am not selfish with my knowledge or talents. Damnit, I decorate and do scenographies for activities for free! Just because I like it and it feels good. I just hate that people believe what I do is an obligation of sorts, and that in all my life I have only been thanked 2 times for my creative arts. Two out of more than thirty… Can you believe I made a scenography for a play, and I was not even invited to the play? I saw the finished work on pictures. That was thoughtless and plainly wrong, and a lesson I won’t forget. That’s why I do things when I feel doing them, because I know waiting for thanks or rewards is just wishful thinking… My art is not so plain, it has details and my personal touches. I do it for me. A pity people don’t get it. And I mean my art in painting, writing, designing, marketing… I have many skills… It is frustrating that I must display them for free because in this friggin island no one appreciates a middle class person with outstanding and unique talents... I was born in the wrong era, in the wrong place, in the wrong family... Or perhaps that is the point after, God's’sense of humor and His ability to make us feel helpless and then WHAM! Something big happens… I just KNOW I was meant to do BIG things… How, when and why… That’s the mistery. I just hope that the belief fuels me to keep going, to stand against the crowd if I must, to fight for those who can’t… I am the Lawful Good Paladin after all… with chaotic impulses… Always Blaze…

I feel sad because I have loved with all I have, and I have never received love at that same level of intensity. Things would be easier if I had a mate that stood by my side having the same line of thoughts and the will to fight anything, and the belief that no matter the odds we will make it. But… Ironically enough that person is not even Trilogy. He knows who he is. And he chose a long time ago to have me as a friend, forever. So… It is sad to know the right person for you, to trust him with everything, to know he trusts you with everything, but to know that although we will always be together we will always be appart. He showed me that having feelings is not a bad thing, as I used to be so… dry and commanding… Now I’m smoochie and commanding! LOL

Whatever… I guess that’s why no matter why, I’m always sad. I know my answers after all.

So, I bent my forever thoughts towards Trilogy. What a mistake… A man that will never come forth to claim me… A man who wastes his youth and energy into nothing… A pity… I could have made a difference in his life, if only he had fought for me. But he didn’t. And so, the maiden was never rescued. And so, she stayed with the Darklord. And died.

So, here I stand, with a Darklord that is always punished by the mists with nightmares that twist reality with shadows… Me being an undead paladin… Ravenloft has ways of having fun, doesn’t it? I cannot say if I will make a difference with him, but I know that either the Land releases him, or I will have to vanquish him. Always the warrior, always the priestess. Always myself.

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