Monday News:

Ok, so on Sunday night had almost no sleep, plenty of turmoil with Groundel and some arguments with AVO... Ah... Relax, release... Seems I make things too clear with one and not clear enough with the other. It's ok by now, I hope... We spoke... Groundel getting his brain surgery, and AVO should be smiling to himself after all he is right in everything he says, asks and feels. Me, feeling like a sucker. Tom and Jerry sucker... for you perverts out there. :P

Todays Update (Caught up... Amen!):

So the week is looking up a bit. Groundel is in good friend mode and coping with things, and AVO should be coming over to my house for 2 days. I asked for some days off at work, hopefully will get them and have a small leizure time... I need a big break from life, but guess baby steps will have to do.

I feel a bit better compared to the dark blues that I've been going through... Still... I feel my heart is ripped apart and no glue can put it together... Still I try... I don't know... I am just internalizing that perhaps it is my destiny to be the best friend forever... Seems I can be noone's wife... I have this feeling of helplessness on the issue... I can excel at many things, I am bright, I am talented, I can juggle anything, challenge anyone... but when it comes to my personal life I am a complete failure. That's how I've felt all these years... What is the value of success if you have no one to share it with? And in both my graduations something, someone was missing... And work leaves me emptyhanded at home... I am looking for something that perhaps is beyond me... I am so bitchy and seems that as years pass by is bitchy plus picky. And I hold on too tight to stupid memories and fantasies. Enjoying the present... Yes... Looking towards future... A big gamble. My future is so blurred, almost as if there would be none... I have this feeling that makes me cry all the time... I was not born to have a family, or anyone close. I was born for a different purpose, and it frightens me. Why I had to be so different? How can I make a difference? Little me? Little me who knows no one, and whom is always ignored by people... My own vendettas are so silent... Stupid vendettas that no one but the close captioned looker would see... What I think? Why? All the things I want to do requires strnght of will and... perhaps just supporting cast? A family would be so wrong for me and my purposes, and yet, of all the dreams I have, it may be the greatest... But I know myself. I was not meant to be a mother. I have no patience. And I am a big kid myself. I won't end up like the Mexican lady or like Lucinda. And I have always believed that I can't have children anyway. Not with my condition, being all out of control... That would be too dangerous. So...

So, this will be a busy week after all, hopefully delightful and happy. I just hate that in order for me to be happy I must step all over other's happiness. It takes away the bright colors of things... But life is not made out of bright colors but hazy shades of grey.

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