Thursday Blues:

Saw Frida last night, basically thanks to Coriolis insistence that I should have seen it on the movies... well, no budget at that time... Anyway... Bad idea. The paralelism with my own, although different kind of pains, is evident and certain. Her guy was a loving disease that kept reappearing throughout her life... and was a core. I definitvely related on the reappearing malady... Just like Trilogy, main protagonist of a great Greel tragedy in which following the tradition, the characters are plainly unique, controlling and out of control, with highest of ideals and greatest of flaws. The agony of truth that constantly stabs you right on daylight... I was in tears almost the whole night, thoughts both making me whole and shredding me to pieces. How is it possible to have such dualities within you? A Tribe-of-One effect, in which diverse personalities push away the one that is unfit for the right moment. Blaze, Nizzr'e and Vierna... All of them love forever yet all of them suffer intensely... And all of then loved diversely... All but Blaze... Blaze... My core. Blaze, always the eternal ghost that reminds me of the beginning of the maelstrom, of the swift hurricane that left my heart and dreams barren... Blaze... Indomitable, fierce, radical, silent... Justice with the edged steel of a blade... Compassionate justice... Blind Justice...I put all I had when I created her. She is a still image of me, who I was, what I became... The ghost that eternally seeks something, out in the endless universe...

There was a time, years ago, when family feuds were the plate of the day... And there were two houses, which hated each other due to friendship betrayed... Both houses came to have siblings, a girl... a boy... And both were so different from their houses and from the world. They both met, unaware of the fued, unaware of all the elements played around them. And they hated each other at first... But then, they gave in to a bond stronger than friendship or love... In a dark, rainy afternoon, two wrists were gashed... and as blood slowly poured from the flesh, the blood meld into each other. The pact was sealed. A secret pact, an innocent plea swore to each other, as they were their own gods... a young goddess, a young god... An oath, of faith and loyalty before all... A marriage, understood by both... Forever... Their secret... Their mistery... And nothing else would matter as minutes, hours, days and weeks passed by... Months and years... Tidal waves and turmoils would separate them... leaving wounded bodies, wounded hearts and wounded spirits... But the essence of the unnatural union would defy any ods... The will to keep the greatest of oaths would fuel an eternal quest of longing and belonging, faith and trust, conflict and knowledge. Love enslaved them turning obsession into a sweet and sour boundary. So gods fade as no worshippers call them... but they fade into one. They became dorment children feeding on dreams, tied up by fears, loss and memoirs... A boy and a girl... Innocence shattered by human life, clashing souls that fed from each other, grew with each other, choked each other, and live on always searching and reaching out to each other and never touching... "But although they cannot be together, they will never, ever, be appart."

And all these thoughts collide as one life passes by my eyes, thanks to the wonders of cinema magic... a story of someone who lived pain and survived... Different wounds, different sources, but same greatest pain of all... A husband that never was one, loyalty betrayed and an obsession that will forever be an eternal flame. Last night I cried in his honor... Guess that tears will never stop fueling the river of our shared eternity in solitude... My heart still beats after all... And somehow, although that means something... it also means I sink myself deeper in desperation, frustration, sorrow and pain. I wish this could end... I wish 13 years could be erased from my mind forever so I could go on without so many doubts and so much uncertainty... I am a gambit. I am a Pandora box that holds hope trapped in the abyss, and that each time that the box opens Hope jumps over me slashing me, stabbing me with killer claws. I am the most terrible gambit anyone can ever try to have... I am a monster molded by past and present. I am a chain reaction that cannot be stopped and that is so deadly... Where's logic when you need it? Reason? I honestly try my best to control emotions for that reason... My true nature is completely irrational and completely ruled by emotions. I am too chaotic for my own good, and that's how I end up unwillingly hurting those I care for... I am tired of that fact. I hate being my true self because it means feeling everything for everyone around me, without regrets... I never regret. In my mind I am so rightful I just cannot regret... Everythig I do is with my heart in my hands... I just wish things were simple. I wish I could go back to a time where the only ongoing worry was about who was going to throw game next... and where good was good, evil ws evil, and innocense was innocense. I have deep desires and longing, but beyond wickedness and my sick little mind what I want more than anything is to get that same innocense that I tasted and enjoyed for long... That is what makes things different. That is the spice for the eternal quest... That is the foundation of a beautiful dream... and the recipe for immortality. I believe in innocense. I believe there must be a Unicorn roaming free around the Universe... Puzzling me... Chaotic me... Nothing is enough... I am in a constant struggle that won't let go of me. I count the hours of the night, the days as tey pass, and the struggle keeps there, consuming me... I couldn't care less about success... As I am a failure in what I value most. I roam through Dreamland as a spectre... I pity those who encounter me and dare to defy me... I am nothing but a ravaged ghost. I used to be so beautiful... such a shiny paladin... I lost my status a long time ago, and dare not acknowledge it... How to find the way? How to win it back? How to breathe again? This is just how I feel... just thoughts in my random mind that at all times gives in to chance... And this is just what another tortured soul has found and fallen in love with... How can you love me? I feel I am so empty, so devoid of life... Yet you find me inspiring... And you wonder why you scare me? Don't get me wrong, I do feel deeply and I do find myself lost in your dark maze... but these thoughts keep flailing at me just when I start to give up on them... And it drives me mad, insane... And it makes me so sad... And scared... And then you talk of trust and of dreams that are so tasty... And I get lost...

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