Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who takes you there
hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who cares
they
they betray
I'm your only true friend now
they
they'll betray
I'm forever there

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
You know it's sad but true

You
You're my mask
You're my cover, my shelter
You
You're my mask
You're the one who's blamed
Do
Do my work
Do my dirty work, scapegoat
Do
Do my deeds
For you're the one who's shamed

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
You know it's sad but true

Hate
I'm your hate
I'm your hate when you want love
Pay
Pay the price
Pay, for nothing's fair

Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who took you here
Hey
I'm your life
And I no longer care

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your truth, telling lies
I'm your reasoned alibis
I'm inside open your eyes
I'm you

Sad but true

-Metallica, Sad but True

Slept one hour if you call that sleeping… I’m falling apart. Came to work out of willpower, but don’t know if I can be of actual help on anything… Raining… Dark pretty day to find death in any corner… Bah, not even it takes me… Feel nothing… better feel rage than nothing… Gotta pin myself with needles to see if the numbness go away… Kitties broke some crystal thing, no real damage done…

The Crying Game: Oldie but goodie… Why is it that old movies have more interesting plots than new ones? Hmmm…

About notes:

Everyone is very mistaken on matters of what I need or what I want. I am not a heartless icy bitch with an iron heart. And what may be seen as tantrums are nothing but the pieces of me melting at the sun's presence. Do not try to measure my needs by your standards, because my needs are based on feelings and emotions, and them both are very alien to you. So your exhibits are not valid in this situation. You don't get it, do you? This toy is broken beyond repair... The attempt to bring in reality into the dephts of my conscience failed. I'm lost, and not even you can see that. Pity may come from lovers, not you. I didn't request that of you. A scorpion could be something else, but his nature shows even in dreams... Bad timing. Bad context. Bad show of force. Sting of the scorpion...

Serial killers and me... the perfect combination.

Today's Quote

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

-Morris West

Is this a coincidence or what?
10-4

He said "They will someday realize that they didn't know what they were doing"

And she said "Have you considered the possibility that they actually KNOW very well what they are doing?"

Many lives, many possibilities... But when you do something out of complete belief in hurting those you swore love to... you know what you are doing. Regret is the highest of prices. Do not fall into that realm.

Ok, so it seems that some people actually do not get that yes I can get angry with THEM and without taking out on THEM anything else that is happenning in my life. It is ironic, taking me for granted comes so easily to those that claim to care so much for me… to those whom I consider family. My anger is not misdirected, quite the opposite. I take what they give, but how about giving me some time in the real sense, as a real friend? Sometimes I feel like I am just an imaginary friend. I have no need for kindness. In these times of trouble I have not seen a hand to help me get off the ground. So yes, I am angry. And anger leads to many things. I’ve been off paxil for a week now, and although I’ve been highly emotional I’ve also been balancing every act. And I have been able to unleash the anger that I have inhibited for so long. Don’t claim to be my friend if you cannot at least come to the trouble of seeing my face once every three months. Don’t claim to be my friend when I ask of you a favor as family and you turn your back on me because everyone else is more important NOW than me. Don’t claim to care for me when you constantly put me down and give me a 3rd or 4rth place in your life. I am an afterthought. I am the entertaining center for only when boredom strikes is that all of you people remember me. My despair has not called your attention. You have all left me to bleed on my own. Not even an act of charity… Not even out of pity or mercy.

I know all your little minds, I know all your little thoughts and actions… You think so much of yourselves to actually believe I will go on a rampage against everyone just because I can. No. I have reasons. I have years of reasons for every action I take, for every word I speak. So you don’t like my bitter tongue, fuck you. If you are not strong enough to take all of who I am, you don’t deserve to be around the air that I breathe. I am no victim here. I chose to be kind and gentle and polite and nice and even a bit naïve, out of strong feelings for each and everyone of you. Turns out you all view my emotions as my biggest weakness, my sensibility and compassion as a big flaw. Well, I may be sensible and compassionate and emotional and empathic… but I am not stupid. I am not blind. I see all of you for who you are, for whom you want to play the part, the characdes and double lives you live… You all lead lame lives simply because you are not yourselves in happiness or pain. You have all succumbed to humanity, to what people are, to the norm… You all have dismissed your uniqueness and individuality in exchange of money, recognition, and false idols. In the way, you dismissed your soul. All of you. And in my madness and insanity and anger and what you may call rampage, one thing is certain: I am true to myself. I am who I have always been. I haven’t changed my outlook in life, I haven’t sold my soul just because it is more comfortable or leads to material goals… I may have the loneliest of paths, and have no true friends left… but I am myself everywhere I step, everywhere I stand, everywhere I fall and go up again… I have nothing to regret, I haven’t been bought, and I keep on growing if not in the material aspect at least in the spiritual side. You all have become ignorant and weak, and fear what you cannot understand, and spurn me because of that. So be it. I have nothing to prove to anyone, ESPECIALLY you! The three of you deserve each other. Embrace yourselves.

Newsflash people: I am not the problem. Each one of you are.

10-4

The Gift: Powerful acting by Kate Blanchett. Loved it. Esp and suspense. Oh, and a bit depressing. Higly recommended.

Boogeyman: Got tired of watching by the middle of it... 'nuff said.

Fear of the Dark: Not bad, not good. Middlepoint... Iron Maiden's song is much more spooky.

The Shining: Duh! Jack Nicholson. Lovely evil grin. Jack... cherry on top of sunday...

Cirque de Soleil La Nouba: It can only be described with expressions: Wow! (gasp) Wow! It proves humans can do anything... Loved it! Higly recommended!

Illfated attempts to bring Discord into the realms of reality were the display of the day. It all swirled in torment, anger, and so I keep on being slashed again and again and again. But no more. It is in their psyche that tormenting a shadow makes them strong. It is a pretention from my side to think I am so important for all of them, friends and exlovers. I'm a fool for believing and trying to make dreams come true. They all have shredded my belief in them. They all belong to each other. No one has shown compassion for me. No one has stood by my side if only to make me stay on my feet. Everything I have received has been words thrown at me like daggers, piercing my heart and killing my soul. Everything I have been shown is that it has been a parade, a parade in which I have been mocked and laughed at... no mercy at all.

A minion of God's compassion came to me today. An unlikely messenger that did what no one else has... been there with no judgement, and simply holding me for some seconds. It is true, only God is merciful. Only He grants strenght to go on, only His ever presence never leaves you alone. And although His minion went away as suddenly as it arrived, the memory remains bringing a slight smile to these dark days of loss and confusion and death.

___________________________________________________________

I follow the night

Can't stand the light

When will I begin

To live again?


One day I'll fly away
Leave all this... to yesterday...
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day
when... dreaming... ends

One day I'll fly away...
Leave all this... to yesterday...
Why live life from dream to dream?

And dread the day when dreaming... ends...

One day I'll fly away...
Fly,... fly... away

-Nicole Kidman, "One day I'll fly away"

I was a fool to believe . . .
A fool to believe. . .
It all ends today. . .
Yes, it all ends today.

Today's the day when dreaming... ends.

Not much to say. No one has been around... No one close, friend or foe. Last night another fight... The night before, more bitter tears... No understanding, a hardened heart... And this is all death in life. Silence... Out of words.

Thursday: Had a work reunion in San Juan. One of my co-workers is the new Director and the reunion was smooth, to the point. He can do a good job. Thumbs up. I checked openings on HR but no convocatories yet. I'll be pendiente, I want to change my position to one in Marketing or HR or special proyects. We'll see.

No news about the house, will check today in the morning. I think I need a quotation on gabinetes so I'll contact someone for that during the weekend.

Kyonnene is getting go of his masculinity today's morning. Now he can be officially gay. Wheeeeee! Cyric is next, next week. 40 estacas, but they do that plus give a vaccine against parasites and against rabies and viruses. It's worth it. :) Gotta try to take Michita and Roxy for the same vaccine treatment as well. Gotta ask how many years one should way for nex round, so I get Isis, Crow, KAli and Set to take reinforcements as well.

Batman... The movie was perfect. It followed the way the comic spins the tale of Batman's origin, and Gordon was depicted flawlessly. Very cool. No stupid sex scenes. Loved Ra's and Scarecrow. The scene in which he calls his "reinforcements"took my breath away. Just as depicted in so many covers on Detective Comics. Awesome! A MUST see!

Gotta work on a logo for someone's business, maybe I'll start my freelance work with this... Whatever. We'll meet tomorrow to take care of details and to show her some ideas to see which she likes.

Have seen Gruendel Wed & Thu. He sticks to his staying away decision... We've been eating out and visiting Kmart and Pep Boys. And last night we went to see Batman. It's difficult for me to visualize everything from the freinds perspective... I can only be a good sport and play along even if I completely dissagree and dislike it. So... At least we are talking and having fun. The days I haven't seen him or that we haven't met are so boring! Speaking just to kitties ain't funny at all.

Payday! And already everything is gone! Wheeeeee! But it doesn't matter. Who needs money, really?

10-4

Made changes to my Hivequeen site. Check it out and let me know if you think its useful. I still have some additions to make to it, but basically everything that interest me is there. www.geocities.com/hivequeen2000 The link is in the sidebar, just click the Hivequeen icon. :)

This day seems like a busy one... We'll see. Yesterday made some calls about the house matter. We will do things as we were, and file in for the Llave help aid. Then we must wait for THEIR decision on how much cash they will aprove. Happy happy joy joy... Hopefully it will be more than 9 thousand, thats just the limit of the amount I need them to aprove. Fingers crossed. If it is for me, it will happen. If not... a nice voyage in December will be scheduled...

Tropical storm on the horizon... may be a hurricane... only God knows. Emily. Hopefully it won't cross the island... It's bad timing for such a thing...

10-4

Night. Mute. Missing. Tired. Angry. Desperate. Breaking. Empty. Lonely. Alone. Begginning. Ending. Silent. Quiet. Stillness. Death. Change. Dream. Faith. Gone. Love.

Always Love...

Always.

Los suspiros son aire, y van al aire.
Las lágrimas son agua, y van al mar.
Dime, mujer: cuando el amor se olvida,
¿sabes tú adónde va?
-XXXVIII,G.A.Becquer

Mi vida es un erial:
flor que toco se deshoja;
que en mi camino fatal,
alguien va sembrando el mal
para que yo lo recoja.
-LX, G.A.Becquer

¿De dónde vengo?... El más horrible y áspero
de los senderos busca.
Las huellas de unos pies ensangrentados
sobre la roca dura;
los despojos de un alma hecha jirones
en las zaras agudas,
te dirán el camino
que conduce a mi cuna.

¿Adónde voy? El más sombrío y triste
de los páramos cruza:
valle de eternas nieves y de eternas
melancólicas brumas.
En donde esté una piedra solitaria
sin inscripción alguna,
donde habite el olvido,
allí estará mi tumba.
-LXVII, G.A.Becquer

I need more time than what I expected, because things are not working out well. Someone thinks that playing just for friendship is an easy game, and its not. Everything gets to me, everything hurts in every way. I gave it a try. From constant presence to this is almost unbearable. And to know everything was a lie is more than I can bear. My best friend, you cannot help me this time, because you are the source of my pain... and I cannot open my soul to you because you get enraged... You think I am attacking you, and I am not... How can we help each other this way? I wish feelings had a switch, so I could turn them off completely. But they are a big part of me. And right now, I am at a loss... I never expected such a lie from you... I build everything around that lie... Now, I have to internalize a truth that seems so alien, unreal... I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what can survive from this. I don't know how much time will be enough... I just don't know...

Phantom of the Opera: Powerful voyage that I loved dearly. Coriolis was right once more, a striking movie... The misic leaves you on the edge, and wanting more. Although it is sad... Why can't anyone fall in love with the scarred? Why it is such a tale in almost every movie? If I had a Phantom in my life, I wouldn't hesitate to be his. But I guess thats just me, the weird one.

10-4

Movie review for this weekend:

Dark Water: Sucky movie. A bit of suspense, not horror! Why they keep calling mild suspense horror! Damnit!

Inmortal:Egyptian mythos meets futuristic world... sort of... Bast plays monopoly and a horny god wants to leave a child before dying... Interesting, but the mix of live action and CGI doesnt work well.

Alone in the Dark: If I wanted to see an alien I would rent Alien. The creatures are not demons, just a bad rip-off of what an Alien is... Slow motion action movie, weak plot and bad acting... They could have done something better... Worst than QotD.

Infection: A japanese horror flick. In the tradition of how they portray the illnesses of society... A hospital from hell, in which ethics turned dirty ARE the real illness... Cool flick. Highly recommended.

Phantom of the Opera: Will see it tomorrow, but have to say this... I felt insulted when the guy at the video store told me "This is an opera". I said u-huh and he repeated the same sentence. I said I know and he said "Well, since you have 3 horror films... just letting you know"... Ok... So basically, based on our appearance I cannot like operas? Gimme a break!

Washed my hair. Caressed my kitties. Relax-release. I am not trying to be a drama queen here. I just pour my soul here whenever I am angry, sad, frustrated, pissed... even sometimes you can get some happy remarks if you browse carefully... But since my mood the last 2 weeks has been the pits, people... bear with me. I am not suicidal, I am not neglecting myself, I am taking care of my kitties, I'm working and I am continuing my projects. I am not stale or stuck in self pity. I just say what I feel because that is who I am, and in here I can write what my soul feels... and put the words that my mouth dare not say in the proper way... Here my thoughts take a concrete shape, and ideas that were blurred become real. This is my therapy. This is my psychiatrist. This is my psicosis.

I dont hate Groundel for being honest, or for leaving my roof, or for going on with his life without me. But I have a right for complaining about it, 7 years give me that right. And if I feel this is a wrong decision, I have to say it, I have to SCREAM it: THIS IS WRONG!!!! There... And no, I dont feel better because I just screamed it... it solves nothing... but at least I release that energy from myself when noone else can hear me... Because it seems no one can really understand why I am like this... Because it is so hard to believe that YES, I DO LOVE GROUNDEL! SO WHAT! I travelled to try patching things up, which didnt work... And I have put up with many things to try to make things work... But... It takes 2 to tango, and if he doesnt think we can make it THEN we cant make it. ANd GROUNDEL, THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE!!! But, ok... I can be my bipolar self, be proper and nice and polite... No one will ever love you as I do. But of course, you already know that... Anyway... I am your friend forever... Just understand that I dont see you making this decision out of your on will... Somehow others press you into this... And thats what I hate most.

On with the show. I will smile. I have nothing to regret. I have much to do. I wish for love... true love... someday knocks at my door. That matter is in Gods hands, as I will not look for it. I'm tired of looking. I will go on a long hibernation... so I try to heal... and hopefully I will wake up to the truest Spring of my life. I dont know where I am going from now on... But I am fightress and so... I stand to defy the storm. Let it come!

10-4

How I feel, as of today? Alone with myself, with my feelings, with the truth that I still dismiss as a nightmare… Playing charades ain’t easy, because I show what I feel regardless of circunstances. Blunt show off of the strings that are no more is insensible and thoughtless… I get hurt too often for my own taste, although I try to numb emotions and just go with the flow… It is hard… I’ve been asked to accept that what was was a big nothing and it feels unacceptable… irrational… wrong. All I can think of is Why and although my logic says forget and go on, my heart says it cannot be, that it is all lies that he believes himself, that he’s been turned against me by those who hate me. I find no more explanations within my self. I feel lost, and this sickening bleeding wont stop… In letting go, the thorns have taken more than just blood… they have ripped the skin, tearing it from muscles and bones… In letting go, I have killed my heart. I'm expected to smile in spite of tears, to play along as if nothing happenned, to stop feeling because it is as easy as triggering a trap... I'm expected to forget cofee in the morning, playing with the kitties, cuddling up to watch some anime or play the Sims, taking goth pics just because we felt like it, driving through the isle because we could... I'm expected to erase all these years of starting sentences that he ended, of starting thoughts that he predicted, of guiding plans that he executed... I'm expected to be there because I am as strong as a mountain, as maleable as water, as free as the wind... Underneath it all I am fire... and fire is voracious, constantly raging, constatly fueling its thoughts and dreams and desires... And when fire must be contained, it ain't easy... it usually ends up in a fatality... As right now. Some words hurt more than a thousand actions. Some thoughts will never be, as some dreams simply faded as nevermore... Growing old together... The safe haven we shared... The promises to be completed and sustained... The commitment that was broken... I am expected to swallow up everything as it never happenned, as we start from that lovely voyage in which friends decided to help each other... These 7 years never happenned... The tears I have shed never happenned... The love I gave without boundaries never happenned... The truth I gave without thinking twice, never happenned. This is how I feel... as the last years of my life have been mercilessly torn away from me, as they were dissipated without a second thought... I feel I was nothing. I feel I failed to see bare truth in my thirst for belief. I feel used and thrown away as an old toy that lost its luster... I feel abandoned to my fate, because of no other reason but selfishness, because it is very comfortable to run from problems instead of solving them. I feel I was not important enough, I was not woman enough,... I was not enough...

I am to shed tears that only my pillow can caress away. I am to hold on to my shadow and comfort myself with my endless love for me. I am to find strenght from my convictions and dreams and actions... But how... I feel so weak... I feel so battered... I am to cry at night until I have no more tears left, to scream silently until the sound deafens my senses, to bury myself in the world so my corpse can feed the worms and be no more... I want to be no more... My last dissapointment.

Do not even dare to ask how I feel, because I will hit you... I will hit you with all the strenght I have left... And I will draw your blood and feast on it. So in your final seconds, it is me who you see, it is me who you feel... It is me whom you belong. Forever.

10-4

Been trying to solve issues at work and about the house. Why is it that whenever things are lay out simple and clear something ALWAYS happens to make things for me utterly difficult? I mean, in my life, EVERYTHING has been a struggle for me. Nothing has ever come easily or as a reward for my efforts… I know that perhaps it is too much to ask, but why cant things go smoothly just for once? Am I asking for too much? Yup, misery loves company.

I’m slowly falling in place with the current situation. Make lemonade with the lemons. I’m still a bit shaken and shedding hair… but I know I can survive anything. I feel nothing anymore. Seems that what I thought was real was a mirage. Nevermind the drama. Another disappointment for the record. I gave a deadline for things… it’s still on. I know it myself, and that’s enough. I suspect that there’s more to just thinking things on the other side. My trust is lagging again, and the toll of so many days is starting to dig a grave. I thought that at least for one person I meant the world… I was dead wrong. Still waiting, for answers, for a renewal of hope… But each passing day those probabilities get thinner… For whom the bell tolls?

Need a decent sleep… but I guess I can only get THAT when I die. Keep waking up every hour. That sucks. You wake up in the morning even more tire than if you slept 4 consecutive hours… Another weekend approaches… Hurray, hurray… At least the kitties will be happy with the company.

I'm horrifyed about the London bombing. Last year it was Madrid... And there's a menace for Denmark and Italy. Sometimes it seems safer to live in a small spot in the Caribbean... Why so much hate? Why so much destruction? Isn't it enough with the natural horrors like the Tsunami to take so many innocent lives? How can killing be justified as an order from God? It makes me wonder if they REALLY read the Bible, because in any continent... any race, any belief, anyone with common sense even an atheist can tell that if you read the Bible it talks about a God that is just, a God that is LOVE. No nation is better than the other. We are all One. Earth is so small when compared with so many planets, with the Universe! People, don't you know by now? LOVE is the way! Love is the ONLY way!

10-4

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion -
Is nothing new
Flashback - warm nights -
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after -

Sometimes you picture me -
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said -
Then you say - go slow -
I fall behind -
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows - you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time -

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

You said go slow -
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds -

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after...

-Cindy Lauper, "Time after time"
Dedidacted to Groundel The Ugly, with love.

It is a conspiracy so I don’t sleep. I finally closed my eyes around 2am, and after getting some z’s for a while I felt something in my face. In my dream state I pushed it away, my unconscious self always assuming a cat is around… But I also felt small tiny legs. I woke up suddenly, thinking it was a spider. As I turned on the light, I spotted the intruder. No, not a spider… A big roach. The mother of roaches! I was so disgusted, and mad! My minions spotted the intruder at once, and set themselves on destroying mode. Agent Michita was the first one to persue and strike, hitting the target on the spot. Agent Cyric and Kyonne followed, torturing the victim, dismembering it, until it was no more! Ok, yes, so I enjoyed how my kitties saved me from the big bad roach… So what! Hmph! Well, needless to say… no more sleep… (shrug)

Called Groundel yesterday. He’s alive. Still with ghosts in his head, but alive. Haven’t heard from Coriolis, hope he wasn’t abducted in Ponce… Lucinda mentioned she would appear at home but lost the way… And auntie is still the best cook I know. :D

I’m beyond zombifyed by now… Slept a little, around 2-3 hours each day… It’s an improvement, sort of… Still, I’m VERY tired. Need to catch z’s… but the world doesn’t want me to… Only the good die young…

10-4

Monday. It's been 7 days and 8 hours, but who's counting. Finally took the advice and stopped calling/trying to see me... If he's gonna take such vacations from me it should be all the way not halfway. Anyway... I honestly hope this will be over soon. It is killing me slowly. I absolutely hate not having him around. I miss him dearly.

On Friday LS woke me up to go see War of the Worlds. The movie is viasually stunning, keeps you in the edge of the seat with a feeling of hopelessness... It is ok, but it should not have been called WotW because you just dont get to see the war actually happenning. Tom Cruise's acting is lame ( I persnally think that the only character in which he deserves praise is Lestat). The girl steals the show. And the movie has absolutely nothing to do with the novel. Besides the facts, it's good way to kill time. Much better than Queen of the Damned.

On Sat had the brilliant idea to get some scrapbooking pages... As I did, I left my car's keys inside the car. So... It was an odyssey to get the keys out. 3.5 hours later I got a hold on Lucinda, who drove me to my auntie's to get my spare key. Ok... That was as much excitement as I could handle at the moment... Went to see el calvo so he would get a look at the chandellier and tell me if it is ok. When I arrived home I realized I left my purse at el calvo's home... Ugh! Will try to get it back today.

Sunday I slept a bit during the day (all these days I've been sleeping just 1-2 hours and it's starting to tax me). Went to get some food at auntie's and then headed back home. Didn't felt like handling people, and still feeling nauseous. Scrapbooked until the wee hours of the morning since I had insomnia, again.

Today... I'm supposed to go help the owner of the house paint some unpainted evil spots, so it doesn't look so bad when taking pics of the place. It should be on the morning (yup, that explains why I am here at this time). I should be back home in the afternoon... don't feel like going anywhere, will go to the house painting bash because it's a duty...

Feeling: Sick, nauseous, weak, tired, sleepy. Got a headache, my eyes bother me, and cant eat/drink anything. Emotinally I'm still feeling awful... hurt, isolated, with no understanding of reasons or why... anxious, stressed...

I have many things to do. The problem is I dont feel the will to do anything. Why wont you stop this torment? Ahhh! Whatever.

Nevermore.

10-4

Friday. Beginning of July. Feeling completely mad. Days are passing way too fast for my own taste, my lack of sleep is leaving me with too many mind blanks, and circunstances are disturbing and sucky. I am drained, tired, jaded, fed up, hopeless, zombifyed... I wish he would stop the nonsense and would just go back and face things as he should, not just running away. The easy way out is never the right way out... He is letting days pass in a way that will hurt us forever. And I am suppossed to keep belief in friendship and hope and the like... I've got no illusions left within me. And hope can only be kept with faith and belief... A no-win situation, perhaps... I wish things would not have gone this far, especially thanks to a random event that had no deep meaning. Stubburnness, false freedom, lack of insight... it will only lead us to our doom. But he doesn't see that. He doesn't even think that. Death is inminent.

If I had wings I would go to the lands where Earthmother would nurture me and grant me the warmth of her open arms... If I could breathe fire I would burn all enemies once and for all. If I had the power to wish, I would wish for love. But fantasy and reality are such different things!

Hollow... Empty... A void of dreams and will and thoughts and shades... How I miss the bliss of your presence... the certainty... the strenght... Running in circles is the worst fate that any being can have... And so a pathway towards eternity is spoiled...

10-4

In my office, finally, after the long forced “vacation”… Not much has happened in here. I got to take away all the boxes and equipment since all this dust affects me. Besides that, nothing else of importance.

Got to find 3 quotes for remodeling the house, hopefully by tomorrow. Will help paint what is not right in the weekend. Hopefully, the matter will be done by July.

Groundel will not come back for a long time. It is very unlikely that he will return. His feelings and his thoughts are not with me. He thinks we are too different, and he thinks we have no common ground. Time is the only one that knows what will happen… I guess this is as good as it gets…

Tril called yesterday but I said nothing about everything that is going on. He doesn’t deserve to know. Let him rot in his lies and thoughts.

I feel tired, sad, betrayed, weak… I came to work but can’t move too much because I get dizzy and I’ve had almost no sleep. The sleeping pills didn’t work, I woke up each hour… The lack of sleep is taking a toll on me. And so I’m tired and it shows. Mentally I am destroyed… But I know the show must go on. So… I carry on… I will get the house. I will try to get a part time for the weekends. I will take care of my kitties… And I will take a big break from everyone. I haven’t been alone in say… 15 years… It feels strange. It feels even surreal.

Anyway… Been scrapbooking. The masochist in me wants to finish the first scrapping project that I begun… So that’s how I’ve been killing time. While I’m at it I’ve laughed and I’ve cried… And I see that even if things were bad there were many good things worth the time… worth the effort… Nothing is ever perfect, but we did have a home. Sadly, it’s only my opinion.

Games... I dont know if we will play again. I dont know if the guys will show up or stick around, they were just starting to know us. I dont know if we can cope with a few hours playing without thinking of reality... It is too soon to tell...

Whatever.

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