Your Daddy Is Darth Vader

What You Call Him: Pops Why You Love Him: He knows best

Who's Your Daddy?

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Ditzy Executor of Sacrifices. Where You Lived: Australia. How You Died: Decapitation.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Your Birthdate: April 8

Born on the 8th day of the month, you have a special gift for business, as you can conceive and plan on a grand scale. You have good executive skills and you're a good judge of values. You should try to own your own business, because you have such a strong desire to be in control. You are generally reliable when it comes to handling money; you can be trusted in this regard. Idealistic by nature, you are never too busy to spend some time on worthwhile causes, especially if managerial support are needed. There is much potential for material success associated with this number.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

VIERNA
V	is for	Vibrant
I	is for	Irresistible
E	is for	Earnest
R	is for	Radiant
N	is for	Naive
A	is for	Alluring

What Does Your Name Mean?

You Know You're Puerto Rican When....

You have been spanked with a folded leather belt and/or "chancletas" ...leather ones! You know your mom is sneaking up on you cause you can hear her "chancletas" flapping on the linoleum floor. Your mom yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner and you only live in a one bedroom apartment. You've ever called linoleum floor a "rug" You can get to your house blindfolded by the smell of the "chuletas." You say "Vamoj pa' encima" or "mete mano" instead of "Let's get started." You got scared whenever someone mentioned "el CUUUCO"!!! You remember every Christmas those "aguinaldos" that abuela used to sing for you. You've gone to titi's house and passed through the "bead curtain" in the living room. You know someone who owns a conga, bongos and/or a cowbell. You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on the tv and under the tv. You have a porcelain cat/dog/rooster or frog on a doilie in your living room. You have a perpetually semi-drunk uncle. Someone in your family is named Maria, Charlie, Papo, Ana or Carmen. You call rug-carpeta , roof-rufo, parking-palkin, stress-estress, library-libreria (instead of biblioteca), boiler-boila, sucker-soca, or to knock-noquiar. You have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they'll catch a cold. You need a cup of coffee after every meal, expresso boricua style "con leche". Your sister has hair on her legs and as much moustache as your father. One of your aunt's weighs over 300 pounds. You have one or more cousins in and out of jail. Your uncle has more gold in his mouth and/or neck than you've ever seen. You have sat in a two-passenger car with over 5 people in it. You put a big Puerto Rican flag on your car... an a PR bumper sticker. You have a picture of "Cristo" or a crucifix in your house. You actually think some names begin with "Ave Maria pur?ma, Papo." You walk around saying "chacho" or "chacha" or "ay,bendito". You have said, "no, hombe" instead of "no, hombre" to both sexes. You do that funny pointing thing with your nose and if the person doesn't understand you, you use the lips for emphasis. You can speak with your face: twitch like a rabbit to ask "what do you want? or nod your head upwards to mean "wassup?" You have driven a "cheby" (Chevy) or a "forito" (Ford)! You call all sneakers "loj tennis" and the Converse are "loj champion". All cereal is called "con-flei" All brands of diapers are called "pampel". You have ever ground pl?nos and/or fingers for pasteles during Christmas time. Your car has fifteen speakers in it and you fix it every weekend. You remember when Heineken replaced Shaeffer and Schlitz. Your dinner consists of a "mixta"...rice and beans and some kind of meat. Your uncle has a wife and a "corteja" or "chilla". You've put a penny on your forehead to stop a nose bleed. Your mother has put a balled up piece of thread on your baby cousin's forehead to stop her hiccups. You have at least thirty cousins. You know how to drive "estandard" or "estick" shift. You can tell the difference between Cafe Rico and anything else. A coqui's sound has driven you crazy. Your grandmother thinks Vick's vapor-rub is the miracle cure for everything. You're proud to be Puerto Rican - and you pass these jokes on to all your Puerto Rican friends!

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You Know You're Addicted to Photoshop When...

You see the world with one eye and stock images with the other. When asked what the primary colors are, answer "RGB" You get the urge to 'fix' poor quality images. You start teaching your significant other to use this "evil" program and in the space of one afternoon convince them it's at least only quasi-evil in the face of PSP. You ramble about a breakthrough in the piece you're doing to people who have no idea in hell what you're talking about You ponder the meaning of existence without layers. You never leave the house without a digicam and notepad. You drop something and your brain tells you automatically "Ctrl-Z! Ctrl-Z!". When you realize it won't work, your brain tells you "Ctrl-Alt-Z! Ctrl-Alt-Z!" You're getting dressed for something important and you look in the mirror and realize you would look so much better if you could just tweak the levels a little and apply a slight gaussian blur. You stop on the street to rant about cheesey effects that should not be on professional posters. You scream out fonts as they appear on TV. You have dreams in "glowing edges" You're standing by the ocean and wondering who used Ocean Ripple. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Photoshop.

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Your Stripper Name is: Butterfly

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The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts.

Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your IQ Is 95

Your Logical Intelligence is Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Your Rising Sign is Aries

You're full of energy - and people look to you to get the party started. Confident and honest, you'll be the one to say what everyone is thinking. You are easily bored, and you always find unique ways to do things. You don't just dream it, you do it. And that's why you're so successful. Too intense for some, often times people are intimidated by you. But you're usually smart enough to charm them anyway!

What is Your Rising Sign?

Star Wars Horoscope for Aries

Like many aries, you have demonstrated your penchant for inflicting pain. You feel you are at the center of the universe and that you must be in control. You enjoy being a leader... and you find that your aggression and quick temper serve you well. Star wars character you are most like: The Emperor

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Purple hair. Now I am super-uvita... I'll share a pic when I get it on my Kymill Fotolog, ok? Anyway... I like it for a while... not forever... In November I'll go back to my Bloody Mary/Lyoness obsession with red hair. Call this a break... nI needed some physical change on me... That's all. ;)

So far Inositol has been great. No more Paxil for me. Yay! One less chemical in my life. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Oh, and I have a whole bunch of clean clothing. Another wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

10-7

Yup, even a 10-7 instead of the traditional 10-4. ;)

Tuesday:
Had to go to RUM to install a PC. Actually, it was an ok job, the difficult task was putting it on network… raining as hell… and the people acting as leeches makes everything simple so complicated!

Went to BigK to get more things for the flea killing spree. LightShadow was there, and so two worlds collide. LOL She sticked around with Groundel and me until she had to go stab something and eat it. I got the flea thinguies and headed back home… Definitely beaten, to bed without further words.

Wednesday:
As usual, chicken talk and babbling after the Rum thing… So, had a meeting with the high gods and made them aware of the situation for future reference. Spent the day organizing all files in my office, amen to that… Solved problems via virtual helper on the network.

People are finally finding me, talking to me, yadda yadda. Cool. Its not easy stopping Lola from running but if you are persistent, you can do it! ;) Marie had an emergency issue, hope that it got solved. :) Lucinda has been quite busy and quite stranded… that one needs a car, so it anyone is gonna dispose of one send it in! Coriolis has a sinus flu thinguie that is killing him. Groundel has been cooking and housekeeping.

I arrived at home pretty drained. Fight,… Hope that this time the points were clearly made and I have no further need to repeat myself. I was too drained physically and emotionally to keep myself from surrendering to Morpheus…

Thursday:
So today I’m the snappy dresser+7 with magical bonuses. The secret: Got no clothing but the ones I use for special occasions because I have not been able to do my laundry… So there. It’s not that I want to be dressed as an office Barbie… I just have nothing else to put on my self. ;P Besides that issue, I am trying to understand some things that my boss wants me to do but have not given instructions to do… (Sight) Its not easy being red…

Hungry… Still sleepy… And trying to make people happy… which is labor. It all sucks. I WANT MY MTV!!!! (the good old years…). Got a notification that Vivienda returned the case denying the Llave loan because it was 2 houses… they didn’t even bother to read the whole case. That was the good news of the day, I am soooo ecstatic… Trying a last resorce to get that house, but if that doesn’t work is bye-bye… I have done all my homework and it sucks… Badly… Back to the house hunting drawing board.

Feeling: Well… Been 3 days with no Paxil, so I am not doing so bad taking that into account. I am a bit sad, completely angry, completely frustrated, disappointed, helpless and on the edge of just leaving everything at it is and running away… away from all… away from this bullshit place, from bullshit people… from all! I hate having to be stuck with all this: job, place, setting, drama, family, friends… Everything bothers me. Everything is getting to me. Everything is a constant crappy chaos that persists in making me miserable. One thing is fixed, the other gets fucked up. Its tiresome. This ambience is killing me. The raise on prices is fucking up my finances even further. Everything seems to conspire against every plan I have… I heard that before, and it is true… there is a big conspiracy against my plans, no matter what they are... No matter which steps I take to do things safely, or the right way, or the long way, or the short way… I just cannot get what I want because someone hates me so much that has done something to put a cloud over me at all times… That is my big conclusion, because by now there is no other thing I can think of, to give me a why or reasons for all that is happening…

I may like a gothic lifestyle, but DAMNIT! Enough is enough!

10-4

This has been quite a weekend… The usual black cloud keeps creeping over me and I am so, so tired of it, DAMNIT! On Friday wanted to clean up a lot so I could go to SJ Sat and Sun… but noooo… Clorox overdose made me sleep until late afternoon on Sat, and rain was quite heavy. Since I knew my car’s tires would not take it, I just stayed in a self-camping at home, meditating and finding out what the hell was wrong with the place giving me hives… Oh, I found out. I’ve been sleeping with thousands of eggs in the last couple of weeks… Yes, the inconceivable happened… My cats had fleas and all their eggs were mostly in my bed, sooooo… there’s the reason for my so called allergy. Ewwww!

Needless to say I went bananas. I am paranoid about cleaning and I have no idea how they got them… Well… There was a cricket invasion and the kitties had been hunting them so perhaps that’s where the intruders came in… So… Saturday night I spent cleaning the bed and everything around the place, disinfecting with Clorox (yup, more Clorox). On Sun went to the mall, got anti-flea shampoo and anti-flea spray and spent the whole afternoon bathing each kitty… one by one… That was labor… I mean LABOR. Kali went upset and bite my thumb, so now my left hand is almost useless because of the swelling thumb… But no more damages… Put all kitties in "confination" for 2 hours until the house was cleaned with Clorox once more. Last night no flea bit me. Yay! I won the battle! Hopefully I will win the complete war…

But the story doesn’t end there. I went at night to my auntie's to eat. As I went home I got a flat tire. My spare was also flat, so had no spare to spare… and had to go home driving at 10mph… I arrived to cry. I just cannot have peace not even in one day… Soooo… Called work at 8 am, told them I would be arriving late because of the flat tire. Took the tire out, and it was completely ravaged. Rolled the tire with Gruendel’s aid until we reached the tire place… Then I had to walk back to go get money at an ATM because they don’t accept ATH… Ughhh! Then walk all the way back from the bank to the tire place… And roll the new tire back home. Labor… More LABOR. When the tire was in place, went back to the tire place so I could get another new tire, put the 2 new tires in front, put the ones in front on the back, and put the tire left as spare. Complimentary filling the empty tires… 35lbs, as a mental note… Ok… So I forcefully got the front tires, and left Groundel at home, then off to work… And now I’m back, from outer space… That was the exercise of the month. Honest. My arms feel buffed. And my legs are definitively there.

Ok, so again, I’m officially broke… I need to contact the realtor and ask for my money back so I can pay the rent and buy some groceries because I am empty. I hope that she has no more buts about it, I’m tired of that too. She didn’t call the whole past week to see the phantom house inside, and I am plain tired of the whole issue with her. I will stick with Retiro and if Vivienda grants what it should then I should make an offer to the owner. If she accepts cool, if not whatever. It has been draining, everything. I just want to get out of this friggin place if only for a week… Coriolis, don’t fail me. Please?

So, Gruendel is back home. He’s gotta find a job. And he’s gotta straighten up his college issues… My car is off-limits for him, he still has no license. I don’t know just how much his overall attitude has changed, hopefully it HAS changed and he’ll start behaving as a man, not a child. The clock is ticking. And I am not into standing bullshit. Let’s see what happens now. May the cloud vanish and the light shine forever…

10-4

if this world is wearing thin
and you're thinking of escape
i'll go anywhere with you
just wrap me up in chains
but if you try to go out alone
don't think i'll understand

stay with me, stay with me

in the silence of your room
in the darkness of your dreams
you must only think of me
there can be no in-betweens
when your pride is on the floor
i'll make you beg for more

stay with me, stay with me

you'd better hope and pray
that you make it safe
back to your own world

you'd better hope and pray
that you wake one day
in your own world

'cuz when you sleep at night
they don't hear your cries
in your own world

only time will tell
if you can break the spell
back in your own world

stay with me,stay with me
stay with me,stay with me...

-Shakespeare's Sister, Stay

All the birds have been blue
They don't know what to do
Ever since you said goodbye to me...
And the flowers in their gloom, have just refused to bloom
Cause we all want you back, you see...

All the birds have been blue
They don't know what to do
Ever since you said goodbye to me
And the flowers in their gloom, have just refused to bloom
Cause we all want you back, you see,
And even mister moon
Is left without a tune
And his shadow has lost the harmony...
So don't waste any time
Come back and change your mind
And everything will work out
Naturally!

You know that love is a struggle
And only the strong survive
So it's up to me and you
To do what we've got to do
To keep our love alive

And the bees have been gone
And they know that something's wrong
Because they don't feel like buzzing at all.
And the starts up in the sky, all they do it cry
And that's why the rain must fall!
And the early morning sun
He knows that you're the one
And we both miss your company...
So don't waste any time
Come back and change your mind
Everything will work out
Naturally!

You know, Love, love is a struggle
And only the strong survive
So it's up to me and you
To do what we've got to do
To keep our love alive...

So don't waste any time
Come back and change your mind
We'll be singing harmonies
With the birds and bees
If only you'll be mine
Things will work out find
Hmmmmm... Naturally!

-Huey Lewis & the News, Naturally

Went to Aguadilla on Friday. Worked as a bee the whole day, didn't even check my email! Damn! On my way back, stopped at Pitusa and got some cleaning stock for the next mission... Upon arrival at home, started cleaning the living room, ending with the bathroom where I almost intoxicated myself with Clorox... I kinda forgot to leave the door open... Shit happens... Well... On cleaning mode until 1am. Went to sleep by then, woke up at 2:30pm... So... My plans for traveling North were evaporated. Sorry, people... wasn't my fault...

Gruendel appeared after 6pm. He was helping Michael paint the improved house. Ok... They had a cabrita incident of their own... A long talk with Gruendel... Food... And that was the excitement of the day. Just cancelled the Blockbuster Online account and sent some payments for delayed bills. Still half are outstanding... But soon it will all be over... Fingers crossed!

Tril called, busy the last 2 days, too busy to even say hi... More points on his behalf? Hmmm... Marie called... Mark called... Coriolis called... Lucinda called... Ok... Everyone called! Ermm... no, not everyone... My auntie and Anthony and Father and Kara didnt call... Blah! ;) Anti-social me is feeling quite blue. Sorry people, but I am not in "answering calls" mode. I am in "soul searching" mode, and that requires solitude and enlightment. I kinda hope that Clorox helps that issue...

No movies, no rentals, no theater, no visits, no nothing... Just being here... or staring at the sun... dancing for rain until the river floods again...

10-4

No word from Gruendel. He had a letter for todays gathering at 2pm, for the post office job… but no word from him so I guess he’ll miss it… How nice, he really needs the job… Whatever…

Tril gave me a gift yesterday. It has symbolism… And he got gifts for the kitties… Now that was plain weird and unexpected. Then he invited me for dinner… And then we argued as always… He wants to be steady with me and had already figured out his life with me. Hmmm… Ok, just how about asking me first before making such life plans? He asks me why I wont give him a chance, why I mistreat him and talk to him almost with hate… Drugs and his bubble wont let him see things, I guess… I ran out of chances. It’s been 15 years of them.

May check out some places of interest if Coriolis provides shelter, if weather conditions agree and no cosmic debris falls in my way.. I need a break from Mayaguez and all its bullshit. I need to breathe even if it is the impure air of the Metro area. I need good company and some laughs. I need to remember how to smile.

I feel tired and grouchy. My oh-so-great period arrived today, lucky me… timing stinks as usual… And I feel nauseus and dizzy and with a friggin pain… Solved some computer problems, will go tomorrow to Aguadilla to solve issues over there… And trying to get some feedback about the house thinguie… Seems it all will be over by Sept 30th… Hmmm… Gee, I’m planning a voyage and that could be the date of closing… How strange… DejaVu.

Hope Marie gets a job soon. And hope Maria’s kitties get stronger. :D

10-4

At San Juan… We got out of Mayaguez at 5:45am. Seems I’ll have to be here all day because the people I came with have a seriously long reunion. So… I’ve been looking for jobs for Gruendel on the net. Besides that, no other news… I’m broke and I need food ASAP… This sucks. At least I should get paid on Friday. I’m friggin hungry… Grrr…

Rainy day... Will be a looong day... Oh, well...
10-4

Friday night. To auntie's for food, hunger... yummy... Not much to do, no cash to do anything, so it we watched Vampyr and the Mascot since they arrived by mail... (I'm trying out Blockbuster by mail, so far it sucks, takes too long to arrive...). Invited Marie over but she had some trouble with her roomies so she couldn't make it.

Vampyr had the shadow play that gave Coppola the ideas for the live shadows in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Interesting idea of suicides becoming vampires because they are banned from heaven and cursed... Taking into account the year the movie was made, it was state of the art. Black & white with plenty of shadow's play and drama injected by the use of written words and explanations in the screen. A bit slow for my taste, almost fall asleep. Then the Mascot... It was a cute little flick that I really liked. The idea of the tears of the mom giving the rad doggy a heart was very sweet. And again, I imagine all the work to make the dolls and marionettes move... That must have been labor back then!

Saturday. A bit of housekeeping, then to my aunt’s to gather goodies. She gave me cash for gas, so tried to venture and see Lucinda but there was nobody home. So, came back to my lair… Improvised movie night watching Return of the King extended edition with Groundel… LOL That was quite enough. Watching the ranger and the ghosts fighting, and the fair lady saving the day in her own way was refreshing, as always... Yup, LOTR is the kind of story that always brings you a smile of hope to your face, no matter what... Anyway, in the net for a while, and to bed.

Sunday. Gruendel passed by early in the morning with breakfast, and ready for the task ahead: Mayor papers/mags/books cleaning & arranging… Took all the plastic boxes that I have and emptied them… Then gathered everything in them in an orderly fashion. Two boxes remained empty, so I could also do some closet cleaning and gather the wedding things that remained scattered… And also made scrapbooking space in the cabinet I use for this purpose… it had too much trash inside, so to the garbage with unused yucky stuff. Yay! More space… the final frontier! Ended up quite tired. Visited my auntie’s for goodies, again, and then left Groundel in the park. Went home and watched Snow White and the 7 dwarves, and Finding Nemo. Marie called and we talked for a small while. Then, to bed.

Monday. Will finish doing a computer that needed to be formatted… May go home for lunch. There is an administrative reunion at 1pm, so there goes the afternoon. At least I am very positive that the day will be gone very, very soon.

10-4

I’m on the quest of gathering all the paperwork needed to aplly for 3 different positions at my current employer… they all have nothing to do with computers and require an MBA, Fingers crossed, please lit some candles for me because I really want a career change… I need an injection of something new and useful to do… I am too friggin bored at my current job. Last night prepared the bundle for todays copying and stuff. My aunt lent me some cash for getting the gov certifications I needed. I am beyond broke… but hopefully with a smile. We’ll see…

Groundel passed by a bit late, was with Michael doing some curtain shopping… Ok, yes, there is something wrong in that picture… whatever. Printed out some journaling for the scrapbook, and went to sleep later on.

I just got a message from Rafa, a friend from High School. He’s leaving Disney because he got a better job offer. Way to go! :D Hope it is for the better.

Haven’t heard from Lucinda… Well… Since I’ve been a bit scattered this week and a bit antisocial, that is not so surprising. Marie has left messages but I have arrived home too beat even to login… I hope that tonight I can catch some time in the net... Joe, I'm pretty tied up and have no money to spare, so that will have to wait until next month. I'm surviving on ChefBoyardee, and tuna. It ain't funny. And my car need new tires, which I cannot get yet... (sight) And I still owe 300 something to the AEE, so maybe soon I'll have to lit candles just to see the kitties faces...

Feeling:
Rebel. Antisocial. Angry. Like screaming. Like beating. Like destroying. But it’s ok, I am cute. :P I just have not felt like talking with anyone… Oddly enough, this week I wanted to be alone and actually do some stuff. I still have plenty of clothing to wash… Never ending story… And lots of cleaning up to do at the apartment. I also need to start throwing away things I don’t need, identify things I can sell on ebay and organize all. I think this is my last month in the apartment… I cannot keep on loosing so much money just for myself. If I am going to be alone, I’ll go back to my aunt’s house until I get my house. I don’t see Groundel coming back anytime soon, and the whole situation stinks. I cannot handle all by myself as things are right now. The idea of living elsewhere had to do with being with him. If he’s not around, and doesn’t want to be around, then what’s the point. I am not saying anything else about that matter to him. I’m tired of pleading. Either he moves in by the end of month, or I’m gone. Case closed.

10-4

Wednesday passed by and all I can say is “Sniff, sniff, another day missed”. The natural thinguie for depression makes me sleep soundly, so it has an unexpected side effect… I’ll keep watching for anything else… I keep on with the allergy thing as well, itches like hell. My ongoing opinion on LOTR: It is the… I repeat THE masterpiece of all times.

I found some items that might work for the journaling part of the scrapbook. I’ll try printing them out tonight, if I make it. :P Won’t be in my office, seems the drivers will FINALLY take me to Aguadilla and beyond to do all I have to do for the report I was supposed to hand in today… Grrr…

Groundel passing by, being nice even if he’s a bit psycho… Hope his bullshit stops somewhere soon before I decide to poison him. Trilogy has called and doesn’t seem to get that his chances passed and he missed them badly. Oh, well… Hasn’t logged in in 3 nights in a row… That’s a record for the last 2 months… I’ve felt too sad and too sleepy or with too much headache to try that at night. I hope noone takes it personal. ;)

Seems Coriolis is interested in the Gore Getaway for October. Ok, idiot proof… Gore Getaway for those who doesn’t know it is the Universal Horror Nights in October. So… If anyone else is interested, let me know. I hope I can make the arrangements to go, its long past do… :P

That’s it for now…

10-4

Yesterday afternoon as I went off work the sudden light triggered my oh so lovely migraine. As soon as I arrived home I had to get in complete darkness. I was so tired I fall asleep immediately. I woke up around midnight, tried to check mail and had to forget that idea. My eyes hurt as well… bright light still bothered me and my head felt as if it was being hammered. So, back to sleep… after releasing the prisoners of Askaban… I had forgotten that Cyric and Kyo were trapped in their taxi… LOL No wonder I had such a sound sleep… they are the ones that run around and make mayhem… I recall two phonecalls from Marie, but I don’t remember the time… I’ll get back to her today.

Well… Must visit UIA, Yauco and Rum. Hopefully that will be fast…

10-4

Well, you can say that this weekend was pretty damn clean… On Sat I spent the whole day cleaning up the litterboxes of the cats, and the whole apartment… so no more ammonia odor for at least 2 more weeks. While I was in housekeeping mode the kids next door started talking to me, I guess their parents were not around as they were home alone and trapped in that house… Things that makes one really mad… What if there is a fire? Who in complete mental capacity will leave 3 children locked up in a house, as if they were animals or pets? That is a consequence of children raising children…

Went to my aunt’s house. Turns out on Thursday morning, specifically 4am… she had a fall and stayed in the floor for almost half an hour with no one to help her. She makes me so angry… She fall outside, because she was taking the trash out… At 4 in the morning!!! WTF! And so, her left arm is bad again… (sight)…

Woke up early on Sun morning so I would clean up the car (Yes, people, you can have a heart attack now… I actually cleaned my car). LOL Detailing… It’s been more than 5 years that I didn’t clean the car inside… So it is spanking new now. :P Next thing is to change the 4 tires, there is one that is pretty damage and can fail anytime… but I have to wait until next payday… 4 tires, change of oil, and motor cleanup and check-up, and see if I can finally put a new cd player maybe with a cd changer. Ok, got all paydays until Xmas there… LOL

Mon morning… I didn’t want to wake up or come to work. I’m tired as hell. Also the allergy I have doesn’t help… I have hives in my whole torso, legs and arms… They look like bites, but there ain’t a thing to bite me, so I don’t get what is causing it. The annoying thing is the itching… If I had a fever I would say I have chickenpox, but no… it’s an allergy… I always react too much to the environment… Grrr…

Haven’t heard of Coriolis. Joe called saying he’ll come on Sat then called to postpone the trip. Back to his bipolar self. LOL NoName was complaining about my lack of communication… Marie’s b-day was yesterday, I think they were going to watch a movie during the night but I got bored at home and after half an hour logged to the Internet. Yes, I cannot help it, it’s an addiction! Plus I wanted to talk with Taz. That’s always fun. Oh, and he installed Yahoo... Welcome to the dark side... LOL :D

Groundel passed by on Sat and Sun, helped me with the litters and the car. He keeps on with his issues… plus now he has to hunt for a job. (sigh) Never-ending stoooooryyyyy… Whatever… I’m tired of pleading…

So… Today I have to complete (or try completing) a communications inventory… Waiting for the drivers so they take me to San German and Yauco. Hopefully the day will go fast…

Oh, I tried a prank on Isis this morning. Put a hair comb on her tail. She went nuts. I didn’t realize that the comb would actually press her tail too much and cause her pain. :( Yup, that’s the guilty trip of the day…

10-4

Hide & Seek: The girl from War of the Worlds is awesome in this movie! She needs not speak, her eyes says it all! And De Niro looks delicious. LOL Anyway, entertaining... Loved Charlie!

Premonition: Another japanese flick... Suspense... Some shots stay in your head (like a girl with blew-up face...) Really nice storyline, as usual. I'm becoming a deep fan of these films... Gotta build a nice film-library of them...

Ay payita mía
Guárdate la poesía
Guárdate la alegría pa'ti

No pido que todos los días sean de sol
No pido que todos los viernes sean de fiesta
Tampoco te pido que vuelvas rogando perdón
Si lloras con los ojos secos
Y hablando de ella

Ay amor me duele tanto
Me duele tanto

Que te fueras sin decir a donde

Ay amor,
fue una tortura
perderte

Refrão: Yo se que no he sido un santo
Pero lo puedo arreglar amor
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
Solo de errores se aprende
Y hoy se que tuyo es mi corazón
Mejor te guardas todo eso
A otro perro con ese hueso
Y nos decimos adiós

No puedo pedir que el invierno perdone a un rosal
No puedo pedir a los olmos que entreguen peras
No puedo pedirle lo eterno a un simple mortal
Y andar arrojando a los cerdos miles de perlas

Ay amor me duele tanto
Me duele tanto
Que no creas más en mis promesas
Ay amor

Es una tortura
Perderte!

Repete refrão :
Yo se que no he sido un santo
(Y es que no estoy hecho de cartón)

No te bajes, no te bajes
Oye negrita mira, no te rajes
De lunes a viernes tienes mi amor
Déjame el sábado a mi que es mejor
Oye mi negra no me castigues más
Porque allá afuera sin ti no tengo paz
Yo solo soy un hombre muy arrepentido
Soy como el ave que vuelve a su nido

Repete refrão:
Yo se que no he sido un santo
(Y es que no estoy hecho de cartón)

Ay ay ay,
Ay ay ay,
Ay, todo lo que he hecho por ti
Fue una tortura perderte
Me duele tanto que sea asi
Sigue llorando perdón
Yo... yo no voy
A llorar por ti...
A llorar por ti!

-Shakira, La Tortura

Went to HT last night, dining with Groundel and then we tried to watch a movie... tried because the frigging movie kept skipping... grrr... so we forgot about it and so he left.

Took Cyric to the vet this morning. He got his operation and his rabies/deworming shots. He's still with the tecato look, but he's doing better by the minute. :P

Oh, lovely news from out dear governor... He's gonna cut the hours of work for government employees to 4 days, with the 4 day pay only... so thats 80% less money than what we are making... WTF? Translation... Next week we'll witness havok in the island. No one likes his idea, but since he seems to enforce a dictatorship we are all screwed. So... from bad to worst... I am seriously thinking about leaving this place for good. I have worked hard all my life, and now the rise on electricity fees, taxes, water and if they cut gov jobs earnings... (sight)... Just when you think things will be better... shit happens... I don't know where my car will take me, but seems all arrows are signaling anywhere else but here...

Met Marie during lunch. The girl has been trough some shit, and I love her attitude. Ah, nothing like someone who describes herselfs as a bitch, and she certainly means it! LOL Yay! Bitches unite! :D

10-4

Well, nothing worth mentioning... No one passed by last night, I was bored and lonely... Went to sleep early... Kitties jumping as if they were part of a Cirque de Soleil act... Almost didn't wake up today... Still sleepy, at least its been 2 days in a row I'm "sleeping" at almost the same time... This seems to be a day that will be looooong because I am so friggin bored...

Need to change the front tires of the Rav4. And change oil. And clean it up.
Will take Cyric to the vet tomorrow as well. ;) Need to end the peeing everywhere cycle.
Saw a nice set at HT, so I guess I'll visit tonight...
Will get a nice set from Lippy on the net too...
Met a lady that seems sensible and kind.
Taz being himself.

10-4

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

If I could melt your heart

-Madonna, Frozen

Met NoName and his girl yesterday. The event took place at Borders, and they teleported to the Business section just as I found a book named Queen Elizabeth,CEO. I want to get that book later on. :D

Well, the couple is a thrill ride. She is into scrapbooking and knows most if not all the places available for that within the island. She's also very spontaneus and quick witted. And somehow has an ability to make waiters drool. :P

Anyway, they treated me to lunch at Chilli's, and then we went to the scrapbooking store here in my hometown. Oh... There I said hello to the french fries I ate before... Yup, threw up. We went to my small shelter so we could see the scrapbooks of one another... And then throwing up #2,3 and 4 happenned. Well... The burger looked kinda cute... Maybe it was just the way to send a burger to another person within Earth who was hungrier or something... First the bread, then the meat, then even the lettuce... yup, in that order. Gross, huh? LOL

The kitties were shy at first,but after a while they began to show their faces. It was funny to see how NoName was trying not to get cat hair in his clothing...ermmm... helloooo? at my place thats a true mission impossible! LMAO!!!

Ok... Nothing else to do, too late for the Zoo, so we headed to Rincóns lighthouse. It was ok, although the view was not to pretty because it had been raining before... At least the guys learned a bit about the Dome... Yup, Rincón, the radioactive spot of the West... Buahahahahahah...

Final stop, El Mesón. Some mental pictures of NoName jumping on the Dance machine were quite disturbing, but I managed to dig in a quesito. I got a spare one, in case someone showed up at home... Anyway, the outing ended with gasolina and goodbyes. :) Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy, you will know your island by the end of this year, promise! ;)

Arrived at home. Groundel was there, a bit sleepy by the looks of it... He seemed happy to see me... Gave him the quesito as a b-day present as I had no money to get anything else... He explained why he had not come the days before... And after some more talk he left. No, he still won't come back. He's very stubborn. He won't listen to what his heart tells him. And he's killing us both.

Today... Woke up as if I were going to work... Checked the net and Taz was around. Talked with him for a while, its quite a delight exchanging words with him. He is no dumb ass, as most males. Anyway... Cleaned up the house, dyed my hair, and here I am... Let's see what the night brings on...

10-4

Groundel didnt have time to come see me today... It was his birthday, and I waited the whole day for him... The whole day until now... I guess the celebration with his new family must have been something... Must have... For this is the first birthday in the time that we know each other, that we do not pass together... I waited like a foolish brat... All because I believed... So much for being so special... So much for the long talks and sharing... So much for our truth... I guess I am easier to forget now.

Happy Birthday. I love you. I waited.

10-4

Constitution Day. Havent seen the light of the day yet. Been sleeping-waking up, taking meds, sleeping... Last night Tril appeared with orange juice and guava-piña. Left it in the fridge, and left. I don't get it. Seems everyone is leaving food offerings for Gaea! Hmmm... Yup... Another goddess, not me. Either that or they are preparing me for Xmas... If I had known he would leave so fast I would have kept speaking with NoName. Oh, well...

I expected Groundel to pass yesterday night... at least to check on me... I guess he had his hands full with his friends and family. I am not that important anymore. An afterthought, maybe... Today is his birthday. I expected him to be here early to go out and celebrate as usual... As usual... Why I keep kidding myself? Nothing is as usual anymore. He has another place, another family. I am alone... Yeah, things get better allright...

Dont feel like writing more.

10-4

Strike a pose
Strike a pose
Vogue, vogue, vogue
Vogue, vogue, vogue

Look around everywhere you turn is heartache
It's everywhere that you go (look around)
You try everything you can to escape
The pain of life that you know (life that you know)

When all else fails and you long to be
Something better than you are today
I know a place where you can get away
It's called a dance floor, and here's what it's for, so

Come on, vogue
Let your body move to the music (move to the music)
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow (go with the flow)
You know you can do it

All you need is your own imagination
So use it that's what it's for (that's what it's for)
Go inside, for your finest inspiration
Your dreams will open the door (open up the door)

It makes no difference if you're black or white
If you're a boy or a girl
If the music's pumping it will give you new life
You're a superstar, yes, that's what you are, you know it

Come on, vogue
Let your body groove to the music (move to the music)
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow (go with the flow)
You know you can do it

Beauty's where you find it
Not just where you bump and grind it
Soul is in the musical
That's where I feel so beautiful
Magical, life's a ball
So get up on the dance floor

Come on, vogue
Let your body move to the music (move to the music)
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow (go with the flow)
You know you can do it

Vogue, (Vogue)
Beauty's where you find it (move to the music)
Vogue, (Vogue)
Beauty's where you find it (go with the flow)

Greta Garbo, and Monroe
Deitrich and DiMaggio
Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean
On the cover of a magazine

Grace Kelly; Harlow, Jean
Picture of a beauty queen
Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire
Ginger Rodgers, dance on air

They had style, they had grace
Rita Hayworth gave good face
Lauren, Katherine, Lana too
Bette Davis, we love you

Ladies with an attitude
Fellows that were in the mood
Don't just stand there, let's get to it
Strike a pose, there's nothing to it

Vogue, vogue

Oooh, you've got to
Let your body move to the music
Oooh, you've got to just
Let your body go with the flow
Oooh, you've got to
Vogue

-Madonna, Vogue

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

When you lived inside of me
There was nothing I could conceive
That you wouldn't do for me
Trouble seemed so far away
You changed that right away, baby

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

Love don't live here anymore
Just emptiness and memories
Of what we had before
You went away
Found another place to stay, another home

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

In the windmills of my eyes
Everyone can see the loneliness inside me
Why'd ya have to go away
Don't you know I miss you so and need your love

You abandoned me
Love don't live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don't live here anymore

-Madonna, "Love Don't Live Here Anymore"

Saturday: The day had drama, action, suspense, romance, horror, sickness and lovelyness. Ended up crying on my pillow… but then what’s new. I wish things were different. Things will get better… I wish I could believe in that as I believe in angels…

Sunday: I finally found some sleep around 4am… woke up at 8am to feed the kitties and have breakfast… went to sleep and woke up at 11am… so I went in a cleaning frenzy… ended up in a bath and lunch at 1pm, then again to sleep… woke up at 5 because the phone rang, then more sleep until 10. What a way to let go off a day… But I feel so tired, my eyes are sunken, my cough is anoying, fever comes and goes and I have no strenght to get up and drive… or simply to get up. Everything hurts, inside out, upside down, physically and emotionally. Oh, well…

Spoke with Mystica today. LOL Yesterday she saw me at the movies but didn’t say hi. Oh well, I don’t bite. :P So, we had a nice conversation. She’s cool. Mr.Noname was also alive and says he’s coming to my side of the island. Lets see if that’s true. Vet! LOL Whatever. I’m feeling moody and unfriendly right now…

Tomorrow, Monday 25th, Constitution Day. Also, Gruendel’s Birthday. Hopefully he will pass by so at least I can say I’m happy he’s alive… I miss him dearly. Wanted to give him a gift, but no cash until Friday… And cannot surprise him because I don’t know where he is anyway… On the 26th it will be one complete month since he left. It has been the worst time in my whole life, and I’ve had plenty of those… He says things will get better… I don’t see how.

Whatever…

10-4

The Island: Loved it. Nice take on clones. Ewan McGregor once again shows his versatile nature as an actor... Thats why he's my favorite. You gotta see this movie!

Ewan McGregor:
Childhood
Ewan Gordon McGregor was born March 31, 1971 and brought up in the "haggis and heather" town of Crieff, Scotland. In other words, Crieff is a small, traditional country town where Ewan enjoyed a happy childhood playing in forests, with horses, and performing Elvis impersonations for his parents and their friends. He caught the acting bug from his uncle, Denis Lawson, an actor who starred in Scottish movies (Local Hero) and West End musicals (Mr. Cinders) and was also in the first three Star Wars films. "He had long hair, beads and a furry waistcoat. I aspired to be as different as he seemed to me," McGregor says of his uncle.

Starting Off
At sixteen, Ewan left Crieff and Morrison Academy, where his father James is a Career Advisor and P.E. Teacher, to gain experience with the Perth Repertory Theatre. His parents encouraged him to leave school and pursue his acting goals rather than be unhappy. Ewan studied drama for a year at Kirkcaldly in Fife, then enrolled at London's Guildhall School of Music and Drama for a three-year course. Right before graduating he snagged the role of Private Mick Hopper in Dennis Potter's 1993 six-part Channel 4(UK) series Lipstick on Your Collar and left to pursue his promising acting career.

Lipstick did not turn out to be the success people had hoped for and Ewan was not turned into an overnight sensation like he had imagined. The phone was not suddenly ringing off the hook with offers so Ewan went from that lead role to the blink and you'll miss him role of Alvarez in Bill Forsyth's Being Human, which turned out to be a huge box office dud for the the film's star, Robin Williams. But hey, Ewan did get to travel to Morocco to film his couple of lines so it wasn't a complete loss. He followed this experience up by hopping over to France to play the lead role of Julien Sorel in Ben Bolt's major three-part BBC adaptation of Stendah's Scarlet and Black. Again, stardom eluded Ewan but that never really was his aim to begin with.

Breakthrough
And then came his breakthrough role as Alex Law in the brilliant Shallow Grave, directed by Danny Boyle, written by John Hodge and produced by Andrew MacDonald. Wicked, dark, hilarious, scary, wonderful: only a few words to describe this amazing film. With the cult success of Shallow Grave, came the opportunity for more work like The Pillow Book and the role that finally created the most attention up to that point for Ewan– Trainspotting, the second film by the Shallow Grave trio. Ewan starred as Mark Renton: heroin addict, hero, anti-hero. The film made waves for its brilliant and refreshingly bold images and for being sick, wacky, fabulously funny, visually arresting and completely innovative. Ewan was the heart of the film. Trainspotting introduced to the world a unique new talent.

Star on the Rise
The success of Trainspotting not only boosted British cinema but allowed Ewan more opportunities, adding plenty of diverse and varied roles to his resume: pigeon keeper Billy in Little Voice, coal miner and horn player Andy in Brassed Off, Glam rocker Curt Wild in Velvet Goldmine, kidnapper Robert in A Life Less Ordinary among many. Ewan also won the coveted role of the young Obi-Wan Kenobi in the three Star Wars prequels. His starring role in the innovative tragic-comic-operatic-musical Moulin Rouge as Christian displayed the ability Ewan has in taking on any type of role and making the character come alive in a way few actors can. Ewan's performance gained many fans and attention from the film world, garnering a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actor. Be sure to check out the Film section of this site for a complete list of all of Ewan's work.

Getting Personal
Ewan is married to French production designer Eve Mavrakis. They met while working on the TV show Kavannagh QC, where Ewan played a young man accused of rape. They married in France in July of 1995 and have two daughters, Clara Mathilde (born in February of 1996) and Esther Rose (born in November of 2001). They currently live in London. Whenever possible, Ewan takes his family with him on location for each movie he makes.

Ewan owns several motorcycles and is involved with a racing team in England. He has quite the passion for motorbikes. Ewan has stated in the past that he is a huge fan of Oasis and had the pleasure of announcing Oasis' act on the 1996 MTV Video Music Awards with Ewen Bremmer (Spud from Trainspotting) and gave out copies of their 3rd CD to members of the crew while filming the first Star Wars prequel. Despite playing a rock star in Velvet Goldmine, he still has dreams of being one. Starring in Moulin Rouge gave Ewan the chance to sing once again. But don't get him wrong, Ewan loves acting and can't imagine doing anything else. He also claims he would never move to Hollywood or back to his hometown as it is not the same as when he was growing up there. Ewan is very close to his parents who have accompanied Ewan to premieres and his older brother Colin, a RAF pilot. His mother Carol has a cameo as one of the would-be tenants in Shallow Grave. She helps handle Ewan's busy schedule and fan mail. Carol is also involved in a program in the UK to offer descriptive audio tracks of movies for the visually impaired. Ewan visits Crieff whenever he can. He's made trips back to Morrison Academy to give a lecture on acting and to participate in the annual Crieff Highland Games. Ewan is also actively involved in numerous charity organizations and causes, doing his part whenever possible.

One thing to be sure of, Ewan does not want to make films he wouldn't watch himself. He chooses his roles because of the director, the cast, and the script. Sometimes, the film doesn't turn out the way it started off. In taking chances, Ewan has taken on roles in films that might and have failed at the box office. He took a risk in forming a production company with good friends Jonny Lee Miller, Sean Pertwee, Jude Law, and Sadie Frost called Natural Nylon which they hoped would make innovative films that they actively participate in and care about. Ewan starred as James Joyce in Nora, a film he co-produced with Natural Nylon's involvement. He recently left Natural Nylon in 2002 however, due to lack of time. He also dabbled in directing a short segment of Tube Tales that Sean and Jude were also involved with. Ewan, in fact, shared an apartment with Jude when they first started out as struggling actors in London after meeting at an audition years ago. They are all part of the recent resurgence of British cinema, with Ewan well on his way to establishing himself as an actor with a long creative career ahead of him unlike any other.

(From the site www.ewanspotting.com, dedicated to him, duh!)

Filmography:
Television
Lipstick on Your Collar (1993)... Private Mick Hopper
Scarlet and Black (1993)... Julien Sorel
Doggin' Around (1994)... Tom Clayton
Kavannagh QC, "Nothing But the Truth" (1995)... David Armstrong
Tales From the Crypt, "The Cold War" (1995)... Ford
Karaoke (1996)... Young Man
ER, "The Long Way Around" (1997)... Duncan Stewart
Nature, "The Polar Bears of Churchill" (2002)... Himself
Solid Geometry (2002)... Phil
"Long Way Round" (2004)... Himself

Theatre
What the Butler Saw (1992)... Nicholas Beckett
Little Malcolm And His Struggle Against The Eunuchs (1998-1999)... Malcolm Scrawdyke
Guys & Dolls (2005)... Sky Masterson

Short Films
Family Style (1993)... Jimmy
Swimming With the Fishes (1996)
Desserts (1998)... Stroller
Anno Domini (1998)

Feature Films
Being Human (1993)... Alvarez
Shallow Grave (1994)... Alex Law
Trainspotting (1996)... Mark Renton
Emma (1996)... Frank Churchill
The Pillow Book (1996)... Jerome
Brassed Off (1996)... Andy
The Serpent's Kiss (1997)... Meneer Chrome
Blue Juice (1997)... Dean Raymond
A Life Less Ordinary (1997)... Robert Lewis
Nightwatch (1998)... Martin Bells
Velvet Goldmine (1998)... Curt Wild
Little Voice (1998)... Billy
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)... Obi-Wan Kenobi
Rogue Trader (1999)... Nick Leeson
Eye of the Beholder (1999)... The Eye
Nora (2000)... James Joyce
Moulin Rouge! (2001)... Christian
Black Hawk Down (2002)... Ranger Spec. Danny Grimes
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)... Obi-Wan Kenobi
Down With Love (2003)... Catcher Block
Young Adam (2003)... Joe Taylor
Big Fish (2003)... Young Edward Bloom
Stay (2005)... Sam Foster
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)... Obi-Wan Kenobi
The Island (2005)... Lincoln Six-Echo
Stormbreaker (2006)... Ian Rider
Untitled Peter Capaldi/Ewan McGregor Project (2006)

Voice work
Faster (2003)... Narrator
Robots (2005)... Rodney Copperbottom
Valiant (2005)... Valiant
Gnomeo and Juliet (2006)... Gnomeo

Other credits
Tube Tales, "Bone" (1999)... director
Nora (2000)... co-producer

Unconfirmed/rumored projects
Flora Plum (2005)... Jake
The Hellfire Club... John Wilkes
Untitled biopic... Billy Fury

The Land of Opportunity… So many view the United States that way… The escape that promises to at least make a decent living while enjoying the skills you’ve got… Well… I have nothing against people’s desires to cross the border… It just is plain funny that we would do anything to go there and they don’t really want us there…

Porto Ricans are good as cannon fodder at wars, and along with other Latinos they are the first ones that are placed in the front line in combat simply because of the heated aggressive Latino nature. Seems gringos are too pampered and weak to be placed on the first row… Or seems they are considered too valuable to be wasted… We all know the effects of war on people… The soldiers at WW2, the soldiers at Vietnam… the ones at Kuwait… Maybe survivors made it, but their lives are changed forever because they were part of murder, and although you kill in self defense, the clash of duty against morals is quite heavy. Nothing that the government rewards to the soldiers can make up for their dark experience… The act of giving a flag to a family so they remember their son/daughter died in combat, for the sake of so-called freedom is like a laugh in your face…

How many times the theme of the political status arises? Being a commonwealth sounds soooo passé… yet that’s what we are… Porto Ricans in turn have lost their true identity. We are considered an alien country when it leads to political advantage… But then we are considered a state because hey… we do a great part in important things because the people from PR are very well educated and are very intelligent. There are portorricans at NASA. Our scientists are the best… The quality of our work is outstanding. True, there are lazy asses that gives us a bad reputation… The funny thing is that the good people who studies and work and grow are the ones that are ignored when making judgments BECAUSE they don’t scream or dance “perreando”. The US doesn’t want us as a state, but they do need us as a source of human capital. We are quite talented, they know it. But they also fear our culture so that may be the main reason for racism.

Racism… You would think, of course! Gringos are racist towards those Negroes! Well, actually they are racist towards anyone who is related to the isle. White Latinos have more than once gone through that process when they mention they are portorricans. I know I have been a victim of racism, and I am not coal black. It angers me that such ignorance exists… Being coal black or ivory white should not be a base of judgment. Race has nothing to do with attitude, interests, personality. Maybe culture influences a person, as well as family shapes your outlook in life… but the color of the skin is vain… I pity those gringos that may be accidentally burned in a fire, for their skin will stop been ivory and will show red… The same red that shows through a Chinese’s skin, or a German’s skin, or a Latino’s skin, or a black’s skin. We are all a book of blood, when we are opened up we are all red inside.

Cultural differences should be treated as an opportunity, not as a treat. Latinos bring warmth to any gringo environment. We bring colors and tastes and music. Sure, we are loud to gringos’ standards, but the loudness has a myriad of shapes. Sure, you mention Latinos and you think salsa, meringue and bachata. But hey, stop and acknowledge that there are Latinos that hate that music and enjoy techno, industrial, alternative, gothic, classical and world music as well. The mixture of German, Spanish, Portuguese and African blood that all portorricans share is perhaps what makes up so open towards other races and cultures, perhaps that’s what makes us unique… And sadly, many people from this small island has forgotten that those roots are within all of us. We are a balance of ideas and shapes and changes… Unique and beautiful.

A pack of bad apples should not be allowed to be the basis of accepting what Porto Ricans are. Our small island has many things that makes us big, that makes the world look at us even if for an instant. Even our natural wonders reflect our diversity and our roots. We have the longest known subterranean river within the Camuy’s caverns complex, we have the perfect naturally shaped mountains that host the Arecibo’s observatory. We have a rainforest in El Yunque, and a dry forest in Guanica. We have bioluminescence in Vieques and Lajas. We have natural thermal waters with healing properties that even United States President Roosevelt seek out in Coamo. Our beaches enchant every tourist because they are really alive, showing colors that go beyond description. Damnit, people! This island is RICH, is BEAUTIFUL, it is UNIQUE… And its people can be hellish, but they can also be the ones that points out miracles in scientific and technological advances.

So… I say that the land of opportunity is right here, waiting to be explored and deployed. I believe a few can change the destinies of many. I believe that we cannot allow ignorance and hate and misunderstanding to win… Sure, we can go and shine anywhere else… But that’s no real challenge if you truly think about it. The challenge is here. And even if perhaps the cash is not the reward, the reward comes in the shape of personal satisfaction, making a difference, harvesting the seeds you sew.

For the record… I do not believe in being independent. I do not believe in being a commonwealth. I do believe in the ideal of being a state. But I also see that the leaders that rule right now are worthless. Being a state means an equality that US won’t give because it is not in their advantage. And finally, the brain chip of “Spanish only” is hard to remove from some Portorrican human hard drives.

Wow... now THAT's a rant! LOL
10-4

Haven't we met
You're some kind of beautiful stranger
You could be good for me
I've had the taste for danger

If I'm smart then I'll run away
But I'm not so I guess I'll stay
Heaven forbid
I'll take my chance on a beautiful stranger

I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You're the devil in disguise
That's why I'm singing this song

To know you is to love you
You're everywhere I go
And everybody knows

To love you is to be part of you
I've paid for you with tears
And swallowed all my pride...

Da-da-da-dum da-dum da-dum da da da-da dum
Beautiful stranger
Da-da-da-dum da-dum da-dum da da da-da dum
Beautiful stranger

If I'm smart then I'll run away
But I'm not so I guess I'll stay
Haven't you heard
I fell in love with a beautiful stranger

I looked into your face
My heart was dancing all over the place
I'd like to change my point of view
If I could just forget about you

To know you is to love you
You're everywhere I go
And everybody knows

I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You're the devil in disguise
That's why I'm singing this song to you

To know you is to love you
You're everywhere I go
And everybody knows

I've paid for you with tears
And swallowed all my pride

Da-da-da-dum da-dum da-dum da da da-da dum
Beautiful stranger
Da-da-da-dum da-dum da-dum da da da-da dum
Beautiful stranger

-Madonna, Beautiful stranger

Oh, stupid situation about gasoline! How come a small bunch of truck drivers on strike can create such havok and the government is so mild about it? Well, what to expect... All of them deserve to be burned in oil! Damnit! I won't... repeat, I won't go in a stupid line for more than 10 minutes just to get gas. I rather spend my days walking everywhere. People are unpolite on normal days, imagine how they are now... Even during hurricanes people are not so... compulsive... irrational... illogical... Aint Macondo GREAT?

Yesterday Tril called me at work during the afternoon. He was saying he missed me in an oh-so-sweet way. It could have worked a year ago. Sorry, Tril... But I repeat, call me when you grow up. I cant and wont accept a 3rd or 4th place in anyone's heart. Why? I simply dont feel like it.

Today... My office looks organized (yes, have a heartstroke or at least make an Austin Powers leap... It IS organized!). I'm suppossed to throw a cable and move some pc's... My sinus is getting worst by the hour. Last night slept 6 hours (yay!), thanks to a co-worker I have my medicine pills for diabetes (thank you Eunice!) and the Agua de Azahar really REALLY works. Even a big bad roach didn't disturb my cool last night... LOL...

Plans for tonight and the weekend? Well, for tonight I just have to drop the movies that Joe rented on Mon. Will probably go home and do nothing else... For tomorrow there were plans but don't know if they will be disturbed by the Gasoline Incident. Oh, that would be a pity, I really REALLY wanted to visit Caguana. :( Anyway... Lets see what unfolds...

10-4

Yesterday spent the whole morning and afternoon throwing boxes of computer stuff from the top of the mountain they made, made inventory of all of them, a list of all damaged stuff and sent everything to a guagua. It should have all shipped today at SJ. Finally, I can actually MOVE in my office… Arrived fairly dead at home. Took a long bath, then browsed the net for some natural versions of pills I need to take… Could not pay anything because my Paypal had access limit… Seems someone tried using it, second time. Their security is very good so far.

LightShadow invited me last night to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. So, took some agua de azahar and went with her at 10pm. By midnight, we were out. It was a funny, sarcastic movie. LS was hungry, as well as one of her friends from work, so she treated us to Dennis. They both went with a big breakfast. I was not in hunger mode, but handled a simple sandwich and French fries… I say handled because I was in pain, plus very sleepy from all these sleepless nights, plus tripping because of the agua de azahar… Who knew? If I had known it would have such an effect I would have taken it weeks ago. I just recall going home by 2am, and falling uncontious until the clock’s alarm startled me. I almost cried… Finally, slept 4 hours in a row! That deserves a Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Today, installed two PC’s so far, created an account for the director, and finally got access to make payments I had overdue. Sooo… I hope to get everything by Sat, so I can be back on track emotionally and physically. I need sleep, so I ordered Valerian pills. I need to take some stress out and be happier, and read that a natural answer is Inositol… Will try both. The bitter melon for my diabetes is on its way too. Yipee! Yes, I rather take natural pills that have NO SIDE-EFFECTS and no addictive effects than to go get more chemicals inside my body. I’ll monitor the experiment to see if things work out fine.

Low tide. Calm. I will go home today, burn some incense, take agua de azahar, and go to sleep very early. I need to get at least 12 hours of rest… No news from anyone else. Not feeling too social anyway… All I know is I need rest. Morphine, anyone? LOL

10-4

Una noche de resaca
al tratar de despertar
noté que por el ombligo me empezaba a desinflar
que mi cuerpo se arrugaba
como un papel vegetal
e iba pasando, que curioso, al estado gaseoso
y tras la metamorfosis
me sentí mucho mejor
era un aire gris oscuro y con bastante polución
se notaba en cualquier caso
que era aire de ciudad
que si bien no es el más sano, lo prefiero al ser humano

Aire, soñé por un momento que era aire,
oxígeno, nitrógeno y argón,
sin forma definida,ah ah, ni color
fuí aire,he he, volador.

Como yo soy muy consciente
hasta en esta situación,
decidí ser consecuente con mi nueva dimensión
y probé a ser respirado,
por la que duerme a mi lado,
sin entrar en pormenores, yo sé hacer cosas mejores
como no me satisfizo
la experiencia sexual,
se me inflaron los vapores, me convertí en huracán
dí unas tres o cuatro vueltas
y a la quinta me cansé
este cuarto es muy pequeño para las cosas que sueño

Aire, soñé por un momento que era aire,
oxígeno, nitrógeno y argón,
sin forma definida,ah ah, ni color
fuí aire,he he, volador.

Y lo siento por mi novia
y el cristal que me cargué
me escapé por la ventana y en picado me lancé
pero tuve mala suerte
y cuando iba a remontar
me volví otra vez humano no falteís al funeral

Aire, soñé por un momento que era aire,
oxígeno, nitrógeno y argón,
sin forma definida,ah ah, ni color
fuí aire,he he, volador.

-Mecano, Aire

Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who takes you there
hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who cares
they
they betray
I'm your only true friend now
they
they'll betray
I'm forever there

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
You know it's sad but true

You
You're my mask
You're my cover, my shelter
You
You're my mask
You're the one who's blamed
Do
Do my work
Do my dirty work, scapegoat
Do
Do my deeds
For you're the one who's shamed

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
You know it's sad but true

Hate
I'm your hate
I'm your hate when you want love
Pay
Pay the price
Pay, for nothing's fair

Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who took you here
Hey
I'm your life
And I no longer care

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your truth, telling lies
I'm your reasoned alibis
I'm inside open your eyes
I'm you

Sad but true

-Metallica, Sad but True

Slept one hour if you call that sleeping… I’m falling apart. Came to work out of willpower, but don’t know if I can be of actual help on anything… Raining… Dark pretty day to find death in any corner… Bah, not even it takes me… Feel nothing… better feel rage than nothing… Gotta pin myself with needles to see if the numbness go away… Kitties broke some crystal thing, no real damage done…

The Crying Game: Oldie but goodie… Why is it that old movies have more interesting plots than new ones? Hmmm…

About notes:

Everyone is very mistaken on matters of what I need or what I want. I am not a heartless icy bitch with an iron heart. And what may be seen as tantrums are nothing but the pieces of me melting at the sun's presence. Do not try to measure my needs by your standards, because my needs are based on feelings and emotions, and them both are very alien to you. So your exhibits are not valid in this situation. You don't get it, do you? This toy is broken beyond repair... The attempt to bring in reality into the dephts of my conscience failed. I'm lost, and not even you can see that. Pity may come from lovers, not you. I didn't request that of you. A scorpion could be something else, but his nature shows even in dreams... Bad timing. Bad context. Bad show of force. Sting of the scorpion...

Serial killers and me... the perfect combination.

Today's Quote

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

-Morris West

Is this a coincidence or what?
10-4

He said "They will someday realize that they didn't know what they were doing"

And she said "Have you considered the possibility that they actually KNOW very well what they are doing?"

Many lives, many possibilities... But when you do something out of complete belief in hurting those you swore love to... you know what you are doing. Regret is the highest of prices. Do not fall into that realm.

Ok, so it seems that some people actually do not get that yes I can get angry with THEM and without taking out on THEM anything else that is happenning in my life. It is ironic, taking me for granted comes so easily to those that claim to care so much for me… to those whom I consider family. My anger is not misdirected, quite the opposite. I take what they give, but how about giving me some time in the real sense, as a real friend? Sometimes I feel like I am just an imaginary friend. I have no need for kindness. In these times of trouble I have not seen a hand to help me get off the ground. So yes, I am angry. And anger leads to many things. I’ve been off paxil for a week now, and although I’ve been highly emotional I’ve also been balancing every act. And I have been able to unleash the anger that I have inhibited for so long. Don’t claim to be my friend if you cannot at least come to the trouble of seeing my face once every three months. Don’t claim to be my friend when I ask of you a favor as family and you turn your back on me because everyone else is more important NOW than me. Don’t claim to care for me when you constantly put me down and give me a 3rd or 4rth place in your life. I am an afterthought. I am the entertaining center for only when boredom strikes is that all of you people remember me. My despair has not called your attention. You have all left me to bleed on my own. Not even an act of charity… Not even out of pity or mercy.

I know all your little minds, I know all your little thoughts and actions… You think so much of yourselves to actually believe I will go on a rampage against everyone just because I can. No. I have reasons. I have years of reasons for every action I take, for every word I speak. So you don’t like my bitter tongue, fuck you. If you are not strong enough to take all of who I am, you don’t deserve to be around the air that I breathe. I am no victim here. I chose to be kind and gentle and polite and nice and even a bit naïve, out of strong feelings for each and everyone of you. Turns out you all view my emotions as my biggest weakness, my sensibility and compassion as a big flaw. Well, I may be sensible and compassionate and emotional and empathic… but I am not stupid. I am not blind. I see all of you for who you are, for whom you want to play the part, the characdes and double lives you live… You all lead lame lives simply because you are not yourselves in happiness or pain. You have all succumbed to humanity, to what people are, to the norm… You all have dismissed your uniqueness and individuality in exchange of money, recognition, and false idols. In the way, you dismissed your soul. All of you. And in my madness and insanity and anger and what you may call rampage, one thing is certain: I am true to myself. I am who I have always been. I haven’t changed my outlook in life, I haven’t sold my soul just because it is more comfortable or leads to material goals… I may have the loneliest of paths, and have no true friends left… but I am myself everywhere I step, everywhere I stand, everywhere I fall and go up again… I have nothing to regret, I haven’t been bought, and I keep on growing if not in the material aspect at least in the spiritual side. You all have become ignorant and weak, and fear what you cannot understand, and spurn me because of that. So be it. I have nothing to prove to anyone, ESPECIALLY you! The three of you deserve each other. Embrace yourselves.

Newsflash people: I am not the problem. Each one of you are.

10-4

The Gift: Powerful acting by Kate Blanchett. Loved it. Esp and suspense. Oh, and a bit depressing. Higly recommended.

Boogeyman: Got tired of watching by the middle of it... 'nuff said.

Fear of the Dark: Not bad, not good. Middlepoint... Iron Maiden's song is much more spooky.

The Shining: Duh! Jack Nicholson. Lovely evil grin. Jack... cherry on top of sunday...

Cirque de Soleil La Nouba: It can only be described with expressions: Wow! (gasp) Wow! It proves humans can do anything... Loved it! Higly recommended!

Illfated attempts to bring Discord into the realms of reality were the display of the day. It all swirled in torment, anger, and so I keep on being slashed again and again and again. But no more. It is in their psyche that tormenting a shadow makes them strong. It is a pretention from my side to think I am so important for all of them, friends and exlovers. I'm a fool for believing and trying to make dreams come true. They all have shredded my belief in them. They all belong to each other. No one has shown compassion for me. No one has stood by my side if only to make me stay on my feet. Everything I have received has been words thrown at me like daggers, piercing my heart and killing my soul. Everything I have been shown is that it has been a parade, a parade in which I have been mocked and laughed at... no mercy at all.

A minion of God's compassion came to me today. An unlikely messenger that did what no one else has... been there with no judgement, and simply holding me for some seconds. It is true, only God is merciful. Only He grants strenght to go on, only His ever presence never leaves you alone. And although His minion went away as suddenly as it arrived, the memory remains bringing a slight smile to these dark days of loss and confusion and death.

___________________________________________________________

I follow the night

Can't stand the light

When will I begin

To live again?


One day I'll fly away
Leave all this... to yesterday...
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day
when... dreaming... ends

One day I'll fly away...
Leave all this... to yesterday...
Why live life from dream to dream?

And dread the day when dreaming... ends...

One day I'll fly away...
Fly,... fly... away

-Nicole Kidman, "One day I'll fly away"

I was a fool to believe . . .
A fool to believe. . .
It all ends today. . .
Yes, it all ends today.

Today's the day when dreaming... ends.

Not much to say. No one has been around... No one close, friend or foe. Last night another fight... The night before, more bitter tears... No understanding, a hardened heart... And this is all death in life. Silence... Out of words.

Thursday: Had a work reunion in San Juan. One of my co-workers is the new Director and the reunion was smooth, to the point. He can do a good job. Thumbs up. I checked openings on HR but no convocatories yet. I'll be pendiente, I want to change my position to one in Marketing or HR or special proyects. We'll see.

No news about the house, will check today in the morning. I think I need a quotation on gabinetes so I'll contact someone for that during the weekend.

Kyonnene is getting go of his masculinity today's morning. Now he can be officially gay. Wheeeeee! Cyric is next, next week. 40 estacas, but they do that plus give a vaccine against parasites and against rabies and viruses. It's worth it. :) Gotta try to take Michita and Roxy for the same vaccine treatment as well. Gotta ask how many years one should way for nex round, so I get Isis, Crow, KAli and Set to take reinforcements as well.

Batman... The movie was perfect. It followed the way the comic spins the tale of Batman's origin, and Gordon was depicted flawlessly. Very cool. No stupid sex scenes. Loved Ra's and Scarecrow. The scene in which he calls his "reinforcements"took my breath away. Just as depicted in so many covers on Detective Comics. Awesome! A MUST see!

Gotta work on a logo for someone's business, maybe I'll start my freelance work with this... Whatever. We'll meet tomorrow to take care of details and to show her some ideas to see which she likes.

Have seen Gruendel Wed & Thu. He sticks to his staying away decision... We've been eating out and visiting Kmart and Pep Boys. And last night we went to see Batman. It's difficult for me to visualize everything from the freinds perspective... I can only be a good sport and play along even if I completely dissagree and dislike it. So... At least we are talking and having fun. The days I haven't seen him or that we haven't met are so boring! Speaking just to kitties ain't funny at all.

Payday! And already everything is gone! Wheeeeee! But it doesn't matter. Who needs money, really?

10-4

Made changes to my Hivequeen site. Check it out and let me know if you think its useful. I still have some additions to make to it, but basically everything that interest me is there. www.geocities.com/hivequeen2000 The link is in the sidebar, just click the Hivequeen icon. :)

This day seems like a busy one... We'll see. Yesterday made some calls about the house matter. We will do things as we were, and file in for the Llave help aid. Then we must wait for THEIR decision on how much cash they will aprove. Happy happy joy joy... Hopefully it will be more than 9 thousand, thats just the limit of the amount I need them to aprove. Fingers crossed. If it is for me, it will happen. If not... a nice voyage in December will be scheduled...

Tropical storm on the horizon... may be a hurricane... only God knows. Emily. Hopefully it won't cross the island... It's bad timing for such a thing...

10-4

Night. Mute. Missing. Tired. Angry. Desperate. Breaking. Empty. Lonely. Alone. Begginning. Ending. Silent. Quiet. Stillness. Death. Change. Dream. Faith. Gone. Love.

Always Love...

Always.

Los suspiros son aire, y van al aire.
Las lágrimas son agua, y van al mar.
Dime, mujer: cuando el amor se olvida,
¿sabes tú adónde va?
-XXXVIII,G.A.Becquer

Mi vida es un erial:
flor que toco se deshoja;
que en mi camino fatal,
alguien va sembrando el mal
para que yo lo recoja.
-LX, G.A.Becquer

¿De dónde vengo?... El más horrible y áspero
de los senderos busca.
Las huellas de unos pies ensangrentados
sobre la roca dura;
los despojos de un alma hecha jirones
en las zaras agudas,
te dirán el camino
que conduce a mi cuna.

¿Adónde voy? El más sombrío y triste
de los páramos cruza:
valle de eternas nieves y de eternas
melancólicas brumas.
En donde esté una piedra solitaria
sin inscripción alguna,
donde habite el olvido,
allí estará mi tumba.
-LXVII, G.A.Becquer

I need more time than what I expected, because things are not working out well. Someone thinks that playing just for friendship is an easy game, and its not. Everything gets to me, everything hurts in every way. I gave it a try. From constant presence to this is almost unbearable. And to know everything was a lie is more than I can bear. My best friend, you cannot help me this time, because you are the source of my pain... and I cannot open my soul to you because you get enraged... You think I am attacking you, and I am not... How can we help each other this way? I wish feelings had a switch, so I could turn them off completely. But they are a big part of me. And right now, I am at a loss... I never expected such a lie from you... I build everything around that lie... Now, I have to internalize a truth that seems so alien, unreal... I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what can survive from this. I don't know how much time will be enough... I just don't know...

Phantom of the Opera: Powerful voyage that I loved dearly. Coriolis was right once more, a striking movie... The misic leaves you on the edge, and wanting more. Although it is sad... Why can't anyone fall in love with the scarred? Why it is such a tale in almost every movie? If I had a Phantom in my life, I wouldn't hesitate to be his. But I guess thats just me, the weird one.

10-4

Movie review for this weekend:

Dark Water: Sucky movie. A bit of suspense, not horror! Why they keep calling mild suspense horror! Damnit!

Inmortal:Egyptian mythos meets futuristic world... sort of... Bast plays monopoly and a horny god wants to leave a child before dying... Interesting, but the mix of live action and CGI doesnt work well.

Alone in the Dark: If I wanted to see an alien I would rent Alien. The creatures are not demons, just a bad rip-off of what an Alien is... Slow motion action movie, weak plot and bad acting... They could have done something better... Worst than QotD.

Infection: A japanese horror flick. In the tradition of how they portray the illnesses of society... A hospital from hell, in which ethics turned dirty ARE the real illness... Cool flick. Highly recommended.

Phantom of the Opera: Will see it tomorrow, but have to say this... I felt insulted when the guy at the video store told me "This is an opera". I said u-huh and he repeated the same sentence. I said I know and he said "Well, since you have 3 horror films... just letting you know"... Ok... So basically, based on our appearance I cannot like operas? Gimme a break!

Washed my hair. Caressed my kitties. Relax-release. I am not trying to be a drama queen here. I just pour my soul here whenever I am angry, sad, frustrated, pissed... even sometimes you can get some happy remarks if you browse carefully... But since my mood the last 2 weeks has been the pits, people... bear with me. I am not suicidal, I am not neglecting myself, I am taking care of my kitties, I'm working and I am continuing my projects. I am not stale or stuck in self pity. I just say what I feel because that is who I am, and in here I can write what my soul feels... and put the words that my mouth dare not say in the proper way... Here my thoughts take a concrete shape, and ideas that were blurred become real. This is my therapy. This is my psychiatrist. This is my psicosis.

I dont hate Groundel for being honest, or for leaving my roof, or for going on with his life without me. But I have a right for complaining about it, 7 years give me that right. And if I feel this is a wrong decision, I have to say it, I have to SCREAM it: THIS IS WRONG!!!! There... And no, I dont feel better because I just screamed it... it solves nothing... but at least I release that energy from myself when noone else can hear me... Because it seems no one can really understand why I am like this... Because it is so hard to believe that YES, I DO LOVE GROUNDEL! SO WHAT! I travelled to try patching things up, which didnt work... And I have put up with many things to try to make things work... But... It takes 2 to tango, and if he doesnt think we can make it THEN we cant make it. ANd GROUNDEL, THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE!!! But, ok... I can be my bipolar self, be proper and nice and polite... No one will ever love you as I do. But of course, you already know that... Anyway... I am your friend forever... Just understand that I dont see you making this decision out of your on will... Somehow others press you into this... And thats what I hate most.

On with the show. I will smile. I have nothing to regret. I have much to do. I wish for love... true love... someday knocks at my door. That matter is in Gods hands, as I will not look for it. I'm tired of looking. I will go on a long hibernation... so I try to heal... and hopefully I will wake up to the truest Spring of my life. I dont know where I am going from now on... But I am fightress and so... I stand to defy the storm. Let it come!

10-4

How I feel, as of today? Alone with myself, with my feelings, with the truth that I still dismiss as a nightmare… Playing charades ain’t easy, because I show what I feel regardless of circunstances. Blunt show off of the strings that are no more is insensible and thoughtless… I get hurt too often for my own taste, although I try to numb emotions and just go with the flow… It is hard… I’ve been asked to accept that what was was a big nothing and it feels unacceptable… irrational… wrong. All I can think of is Why and although my logic says forget and go on, my heart says it cannot be, that it is all lies that he believes himself, that he’s been turned against me by those who hate me. I find no more explanations within my self. I feel lost, and this sickening bleeding wont stop… In letting go, the thorns have taken more than just blood… they have ripped the skin, tearing it from muscles and bones… In letting go, I have killed my heart. I'm expected to smile in spite of tears, to play along as if nothing happenned, to stop feeling because it is as easy as triggering a trap... I'm expected to forget cofee in the morning, playing with the kitties, cuddling up to watch some anime or play the Sims, taking goth pics just because we felt like it, driving through the isle because we could... I'm expected to erase all these years of starting sentences that he ended, of starting thoughts that he predicted, of guiding plans that he executed... I'm expected to be there because I am as strong as a mountain, as maleable as water, as free as the wind... Underneath it all I am fire... and fire is voracious, constantly raging, constatly fueling its thoughts and dreams and desires... And when fire must be contained, it ain't easy... it usually ends up in a fatality... As right now. Some words hurt more than a thousand actions. Some thoughts will never be, as some dreams simply faded as nevermore... Growing old together... The safe haven we shared... The promises to be completed and sustained... The commitment that was broken... I am expected to swallow up everything as it never happenned, as we start from that lovely voyage in which friends decided to help each other... These 7 years never happenned... The tears I have shed never happenned... The love I gave without boundaries never happenned... The truth I gave without thinking twice, never happenned. This is how I feel... as the last years of my life have been mercilessly torn away from me, as they were dissipated without a second thought... I feel I was nothing. I feel I failed to see bare truth in my thirst for belief. I feel used and thrown away as an old toy that lost its luster... I feel abandoned to my fate, because of no other reason but selfishness, because it is very comfortable to run from problems instead of solving them. I feel I was not important enough, I was not woman enough,... I was not enough...

I am to shed tears that only my pillow can caress away. I am to hold on to my shadow and comfort myself with my endless love for me. I am to find strenght from my convictions and dreams and actions... But how... I feel so weak... I feel so battered... I am to cry at night until I have no more tears left, to scream silently until the sound deafens my senses, to bury myself in the world so my corpse can feed the worms and be no more... I want to be no more... My last dissapointment.

Do not even dare to ask how I feel, because I will hit you... I will hit you with all the strenght I have left... And I will draw your blood and feast on it. So in your final seconds, it is me who you see, it is me who you feel... It is me whom you belong. Forever.

10-4

Been trying to solve issues at work and about the house. Why is it that whenever things are lay out simple and clear something ALWAYS happens to make things for me utterly difficult? I mean, in my life, EVERYTHING has been a struggle for me. Nothing has ever come easily or as a reward for my efforts… I know that perhaps it is too much to ask, but why cant things go smoothly just for once? Am I asking for too much? Yup, misery loves company.

I’m slowly falling in place with the current situation. Make lemonade with the lemons. I’m still a bit shaken and shedding hair… but I know I can survive anything. I feel nothing anymore. Seems that what I thought was real was a mirage. Nevermind the drama. Another disappointment for the record. I gave a deadline for things… it’s still on. I know it myself, and that’s enough. I suspect that there’s more to just thinking things on the other side. My trust is lagging again, and the toll of so many days is starting to dig a grave. I thought that at least for one person I meant the world… I was dead wrong. Still waiting, for answers, for a renewal of hope… But each passing day those probabilities get thinner… For whom the bell tolls?

Need a decent sleep… but I guess I can only get THAT when I die. Keep waking up every hour. That sucks. You wake up in the morning even more tire than if you slept 4 consecutive hours… Another weekend approaches… Hurray, hurray… At least the kitties will be happy with the company.

I'm horrifyed about the London bombing. Last year it was Madrid... And there's a menace for Denmark and Italy. Sometimes it seems safer to live in a small spot in the Caribbean... Why so much hate? Why so much destruction? Isn't it enough with the natural horrors like the Tsunami to take so many innocent lives? How can killing be justified as an order from God? It makes me wonder if they REALLY read the Bible, because in any continent... any race, any belief, anyone with common sense even an atheist can tell that if you read the Bible it talks about a God that is just, a God that is LOVE. No nation is better than the other. We are all One. Earth is so small when compared with so many planets, with the Universe! People, don't you know by now? LOVE is the way! Love is the ONLY way!

10-4

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion -
Is nothing new
Flashback - warm nights -
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after -

Sometimes you picture me -
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said -
Then you say - go slow -
I fall behind -
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows - you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time -

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

You said go slow -
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds -

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after...

-Cindy Lauper, "Time after time"
Dedidacted to Groundel The Ugly, with love.

It is a conspiracy so I don’t sleep. I finally closed my eyes around 2am, and after getting some z’s for a while I felt something in my face. In my dream state I pushed it away, my unconscious self always assuming a cat is around… But I also felt small tiny legs. I woke up suddenly, thinking it was a spider. As I turned on the light, I spotted the intruder. No, not a spider… A big roach. The mother of roaches! I was so disgusted, and mad! My minions spotted the intruder at once, and set themselves on destroying mode. Agent Michita was the first one to persue and strike, hitting the target on the spot. Agent Cyric and Kyonne followed, torturing the victim, dismembering it, until it was no more! Ok, yes, so I enjoyed how my kitties saved me from the big bad roach… So what! Hmph! Well, needless to say… no more sleep… (shrug)

Called Groundel yesterday. He’s alive. Still with ghosts in his head, but alive. Haven’t heard from Coriolis, hope he wasn’t abducted in Ponce… Lucinda mentioned she would appear at home but lost the way… And auntie is still the best cook I know. :D

I’m beyond zombifyed by now… Slept a little, around 2-3 hours each day… It’s an improvement, sort of… Still, I’m VERY tired. Need to catch z’s… but the world doesn’t want me to… Only the good die young…

10-4

Monday. It's been 7 days and 8 hours, but who's counting. Finally took the advice and stopped calling/trying to see me... If he's gonna take such vacations from me it should be all the way not halfway. Anyway... I honestly hope this will be over soon. It is killing me slowly. I absolutely hate not having him around. I miss him dearly.

On Friday LS woke me up to go see War of the Worlds. The movie is viasually stunning, keeps you in the edge of the seat with a feeling of hopelessness... It is ok, but it should not have been called WotW because you just dont get to see the war actually happenning. Tom Cruise's acting is lame ( I persnally think that the only character in which he deserves praise is Lestat). The girl steals the show. And the movie has absolutely nothing to do with the novel. Besides the facts, it's good way to kill time. Much better than Queen of the Damned.

On Sat had the brilliant idea to get some scrapbooking pages... As I did, I left my car's keys inside the car. So... It was an odyssey to get the keys out. 3.5 hours later I got a hold on Lucinda, who drove me to my auntie's to get my spare key. Ok... That was as much excitement as I could handle at the moment... Went to see el calvo so he would get a look at the chandellier and tell me if it is ok. When I arrived home I realized I left my purse at el calvo's home... Ugh! Will try to get it back today.

Sunday I slept a bit during the day (all these days I've been sleeping just 1-2 hours and it's starting to tax me). Went to get some food at auntie's and then headed back home. Didn't felt like handling people, and still feeling nauseous. Scrapbooked until the wee hours of the morning since I had insomnia, again.

Today... I'm supposed to go help the owner of the house paint some unpainted evil spots, so it doesn't look so bad when taking pics of the place. It should be on the morning (yup, that explains why I am here at this time). I should be back home in the afternoon... don't feel like going anywhere, will go to the house painting bash because it's a duty...

Feeling: Sick, nauseous, weak, tired, sleepy. Got a headache, my eyes bother me, and cant eat/drink anything. Emotinally I'm still feeling awful... hurt, isolated, with no understanding of reasons or why... anxious, stressed...

I have many things to do. The problem is I dont feel the will to do anything. Why wont you stop this torment? Ahhh! Whatever.

Nevermore.

10-4

Friday. Beginning of July. Feeling completely mad. Days are passing way too fast for my own taste, my lack of sleep is leaving me with too many mind blanks, and circunstances are disturbing and sucky. I am drained, tired, jaded, fed up, hopeless, zombifyed... I wish he would stop the nonsense and would just go back and face things as he should, not just running away. The easy way out is never the right way out... He is letting days pass in a way that will hurt us forever. And I am suppossed to keep belief in friendship and hope and the like... I've got no illusions left within me. And hope can only be kept with faith and belief... A no-win situation, perhaps... I wish things would not have gone this far, especially thanks to a random event that had no deep meaning. Stubburnness, false freedom, lack of insight... it will only lead us to our doom. But he doesn't see that. He doesn't even think that. Death is inminent.

If I had wings I would go to the lands where Earthmother would nurture me and grant me the warmth of her open arms... If I could breathe fire I would burn all enemies once and for all. If I had the power to wish, I would wish for love. But fantasy and reality are such different things!

Hollow... Empty... A void of dreams and will and thoughts and shades... How I miss the bliss of your presence... the certainty... the strenght... Running in circles is the worst fate that any being can have... And so a pathway towards eternity is spoiled...

10-4

In my office, finally, after the long forced “vacation”… Not much has happened in here. I got to take away all the boxes and equipment since all this dust affects me. Besides that, nothing else of importance.

Got to find 3 quotes for remodeling the house, hopefully by tomorrow. Will help paint what is not right in the weekend. Hopefully, the matter will be done by July.

Groundel will not come back for a long time. It is very unlikely that he will return. His feelings and his thoughts are not with me. He thinks we are too different, and he thinks we have no common ground. Time is the only one that knows what will happen… I guess this is as good as it gets…

Tril called yesterday but I said nothing about everything that is going on. He doesn’t deserve to know. Let him rot in his lies and thoughts.

I feel tired, sad, betrayed, weak… I came to work but can’t move too much because I get dizzy and I’ve had almost no sleep. The sleeping pills didn’t work, I woke up each hour… The lack of sleep is taking a toll on me. And so I’m tired and it shows. Mentally I am destroyed… But I know the show must go on. So… I carry on… I will get the house. I will try to get a part time for the weekends. I will take care of my kitties… And I will take a big break from everyone. I haven’t been alone in say… 15 years… It feels strange. It feels even surreal.

Anyway… Been scrapbooking. The masochist in me wants to finish the first scrapping project that I begun… So that’s how I’ve been killing time. While I’m at it I’ve laughed and I’ve cried… And I see that even if things were bad there were many good things worth the time… worth the effort… Nothing is ever perfect, but we did have a home. Sadly, it’s only my opinion.

Games... I dont know if we will play again. I dont know if the guys will show up or stick around, they were just starting to know us. I dont know if we can cope with a few hours playing without thinking of reality... It is too soon to tell...

Whatever.

10-4