Ok, so THESE have been BUSY days! Some action, FINALLY! LOL ;)

Friday: The day started with the dilemma of a deposit that I made and that was not showing in my bank account… In the end it did show, and although I thought I was late for doing all I wanted to do, I called Trilogy up and we headed towards ill-fated Ponce. We didn’t get lost and we arrived at the Taíno’s ceremonial museum, a.k.a. Tibes. There was a small group of 4 people that were tourists and that had just begun the guided tour, so we joined them. It was a recap of the things I already knew, plus I learned about how Maví and Raíces were brewed by the Taínos… One teaspoon of pure Raíces is used to clean the bloodstream, so imagine how strong that is! Anyway, there are 9 stoned-edged courtyards that were discovered by archeologists. The burial ground is the only one that was placed N-S, the others were placed E-W since their religion was based on praising the Sun god, mainly. There is one courtyard shaped as a sun, and the triangles are very accurate on telling an exact point that happens once a year. It was all very beautiful, as I remembered from elementary school… We visited the small museum that they keep… I recalled many other things… The feds have left almost nothing from all the items that were discovered… For the sake of science we always pay… Then we took a small break at the souvenir store, drank some Raíces and we ended this tour watching the 10-minute movie that they show about the Taínos… Gosh, it’s the same movie that they showed when I was 9 years old… An update should be in process, DAMNIT! Next stop: The Museum of Puerto Rico. Now, trying to get there we REALLY got lost. We passed by other museums and even the Parque de Bombas… LOL We asked a policeman fishy and she gave us directions… So, we spent the rest of the evening admiring paintings and reading their history and making up what the people in the paintings were thinking… LOL I fall in love with a painting in particular. The crucifixion of Christ, but instead of having the body of the Christ hanging from the cross it depicts Jesus as a child, dressed as the Christ, hugging the cross, while standing over 3 male heads, a snake and a skull. It is really powerful and original, and I wish I could find a copy of it… I also had a nervous breakdown because of the “lack of creativity” on the images because ¾ of the paintings ALWAYS had a skull somewhere… I know it means that appearances of physical matters and vanity are not permanent and fade with time… but hey, must EVERYONE use the same allegory? LOL The second painting that I absolutely LOVED is the one showing an old philosopher surrounded by his apprentices… They are writing everything he say, he is dying because he just slit his feet and placed them in water so he has a slow death while he teaches his last lessons to the others… The philosopher was a follower of Plato, and he had been sentenced to death… When the military arrived, he decided to do this and die his way… Cool, huh? Well… After the historical-comemierdistic evening we headed to our hometown. We stopped to eat some calzones and we realized we had a perfect day. When we arrived home we had an argument because of his screaming from the car to a person… saying offensive words… That was the only bad moment of the day, so even if it was a big bang it is an improvement. Trilogy promised to try controlling his vocabulary ESPECIALLY if he’s in my surroundings… We’ll see… And so, Friday finished… I went home and fall to sleep like a rock…

Saturday: Since the wedding was supposed to be today, Groundel’s cousin and aunt and her hubby made it anyway to the island… So, I decided that the least I could do is play the host even if for a short time. So the group was Groundel, Groundelette, Gigik, Vangie and her hubby and PapoSpider and his daughter… and me of course! :) Una de estas cosas no es como las otras… LOL Anyway… We went to the Rincón Lighthouse, even though the day was cloudy and rainy and the end of the political campaigns were all in my hometown (so traffic and people were acting too crazy for my taste). We took some pics, said our hello’s, and then decided we were hungry. So, I had the great idea of going to Aguada to EL Plátano Loco (yup, The Crazy Plantain). It is a local landmark, a famous little restaurant famous because they do EVERYTHING with plantain: from plantain-burger to plantain candy. In order to get there we got REALLY lost because although I knew it was in Aguada I didn’t knew the way and whenever we stopped for directions people would send us in every direction but the right one… LOL We FINALLY made it, and at least we had a GRRRRRRRREAT time in there! I had a plantain-burger, others has an Island (plaintain soup with mofongo in the middle, topped with your choice of meat… that looked yummy!) (I’m a sucker for mofongo, gotta get it next time!). Well, after that we split. Heading towards Mayaguez we had a slight scare because of a group of young stupid people that were arguing and almost started a fight… Police arrived, cars could finally move… Amen… Since it was not too late we decided to rent a few movies and pass the night at home (yup, the street was too unpredictable and with the little scare it was enough excitement for the night). So, we rented Mafalda, Cold Mountain, 50first dates and Ginger Snaps Back. We stayed up until 4am, and then to sleep…

Sunday: Woke up at midday… still tired and sleepy, but after some conferencing with the Circle of Jedis we decided to take Vangi and crew to the Cabo Rojo lighthouse, so they could see the REAL deal. So, we met at the nearest BK and off to the lighthouse we went! LOL We got there, to my surprise the place had Salinas almost everywhere… just one bad way to reach the trail, everything else covered with water… Hmmm… that’s good and that’s bad… At least the flora and fauna are healing, and I guess that’s Nature’s way of protecting herself… Anyway, we hiked up the trail, and arrived at the site. The guests loved it… Duh! It is my absolutely favorite place in the island. And then a little something happened. There we saw this kitty, with yellow and black spots and white tummy and feet… She looked hungry, and one eye seemed to be bad… Yet her fur was shiny and she was very friendly… I fall in love. We played with her, and she followed us most of the trail… So, gave her a hamburger that I had kept in the car and brought her home with me. She’s lovely. I named her Roxy after Chicago’s Roxy Heart. I tried to see if Lucinda wanted to keep her, but she was not home… I had to take my brats off the bathroom so I keep Roxy isolated. :) After all that, I looked for some info for Trilogy and went to see him. He had been depressed the whole afternoon, and still looked sad. I listened to all he had to say, and tried to make him feel better… An almost impossible task. He takes whatever I say too personally, and sometimes I actually MEAN nothing because I am thinking of NOTHING… Damn if I think, damned if I don’t… I hope he can get out of where he lives… It is the only way he can find a little peace… But if he doesn’t get a job, there’s no point in complaining because he won’t have the tools to do ANYTHING at all. He needs to get some stuff for school and his mom had not get him the stuff… but it is as I told him, instead of complaining and being a leech he should get his own stuff… he ain’t no kid no more… At least I made him smile a little… And I didn’t end up crying, so THAT’s a change. LOL And then I went home. Another day, gone.

Monday: Woke up late again… Midday, and I am here… waiting for breakfast. :) And finishing off some ebay deals… Guess today I rest... Gotta find some missing money, hope the kitties did not bury it in the litter! OMG! Grrrrr...

Lucinda: WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Coriolis: DID YOU GET WHAT U WERE GONNA GET? CALL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE And HEY! When are you giving ME your blog's address? Hmph!
Kara: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYYYYYYYYYYYY! She's finally divorced! FINALLY! Amen! :)
AVO: Hugsssssssssssssssssss!

10-4

Ok, so yesterday was a disturbing day... Daylight brought a good swift bundle of memories and amicable talk... Nightlight brought anger, despair, sorrow, truth, and death... Allright, not physical death but perhaps a humble stage of stasis (picture the worm inside a cocoon)... Groundel and I had a big talk. I tried explaining myself as clear as I could... He knows all this time I have always told him what I do, when I do... And he knows I write here things that are in my mind, in my heart and in my dreams. I am not thinking of Groundel as 2nd plate to Trilogy. My logic and my reason says Groundel is my stability. But one thing is missing... That little beat that makes you flip of joy and do crazy things just because... And that little beat is my Trilogy... While my reason goes to Groundel, my feelings/passion/child... name it as you must... goes to Trilogy. I dream of Trilogy. Yet, I have done for Groundel so many things I wouldn't even have think of doing for Trilogy... Because I believed in Groundel and Kymill. I truly did. I gave it all. But then hell broke loose, and although NOT everything has been hell, the events were quite gargantuan... I did my best to handle the issues, but my sadness was growing... And although I may appear to enjoy sadness, I do not. I needed to unlock my old self, I needed to unchain my feelings and my chaos... I was dying. So, here we are... I am not trying the "go back with fill-the-blank game". I just want to be ME. I have been living for everyone else the last 10 years, and in the way I lost ME. I WANT to be ME, to have my deep feelings, to enjoy each day as if it were the last, to breathe, and look into the sky and count the stars again, and fight dragons and fly in the wind... I LOVE ME. And so, a consequence of being ME is the neverending search for Trilogy... HE brings out my passion, my innocense, my dreams... It is not something I do to bother anyone, but to make myself smile. I hate the fact that in the way I am hurting someone I do care much about... But I HAVE to do this. I cannot marry anyone before being CERTAIN that Trilogy and I were not meant to be... And in order to do that we need to share time, and everyday life... we need to be friends again, and then see if everything else falls in place, if things have change for better or for worse... I need time and space and understanding in order to do that. If love is not enough, I will take my passion and pride and go away from Trilogy, forever. But I MUST take one last chance, and BELIEVE in my dream, and see if it works because I just could not go on through life feeling REGRET. And until now, I regret nothing I have done... I don't want to start that now. It prides me to have a clean concience. And so I am doing what I have to do for MY self. Groundel, you must stay within your cocoon if you want to wait for a true decision from me, but at the same time you must keep your self growth by finishing studying and working... do not rot... You have done great so far, and you can do even MORE... but let me go for a while... If I return to you it will be forever... If I don't then you KNOW we will always be family and I will always be your best friend NO MATTER WHAT.

This is the story of 3 people... trying to live in Puerto Rico...
Let's see how things turn when things stop being polite...
and start getting REAL.
All within the boundaries of love...

God have mercy...

10-4

Two long days... In both I have been cleaning up my little rooms at my aunt's house. I have been book-lifting, and throwing away so many useless papers! Dated from 1985... Why one keeps so much stuff that is sooooo useless? Ah, the physical attachment to memories...

Ok, so I did not throw away my Lyoness notebook cover, or the Darkseid Apocalipse Now cover, or the English class "Stickyfingers" essays... those are too priceless... I still keep the great notebook of eyes... LOL That was my "venting" notebook, each time I was angry I drew eyes all over pages and pages and pages... I found some cool stuff, two stray certificates of achievement that I didn't knew I had, a thank-you letter from the wife of my fisrt boss (?) and a whole bunch of keys that I have not idea where they go or what they do... LOL

But the most priceless things I found were in a small bundle of paper. As I ripped away the papers I found a small notebook that reads "A thousand and one uses for a Gilbert" LOL I was laughing so hard... I made it to seven hundred something... And there were the rings we both shared, my skeleton ring and his skeleton-snake ring (yup, those were our engagement rings back then...) And a book with a dedicatory, a picturebook of The Secret Garden in which came a small key and he dedicated to me... Awwwww... But the cutest of things and maybe the one of more value is one paper that has a long dedicatory talking about trust, that he wrote... The paper is a beautiful, glossy certificate... And it was signed by both of us on 1992. And it says that "It is certified that V and G agree to love each other forever, blah blah... and Cupid is the witness to it". I have completely forgotten about that, it was one of the few things that my first boyfriend gave me back then... I had no idea something like that existed... It seems that when we splited I made a "time capsule" of all the things that were ours, and placed them together in a paper cocoon... It was moving to see the bundle and find things as if I were opening a treasure of golden coins... I have forgotten how thoughtful he could be when he wanted to be so... I so often just focus on the bad things that people have done to me... It still amazes me how, after 15 years of knowing each other, after 12 years of ups and downs, we can still look at each other and stir each other's emotions. Some things are beyond reason, beyond logic, beyond time and place... So many people have come between us, so many events and so many fights and misunderstandings... People and family did everything to separate us, to make us hate us... But what is true always win. Truth prevails no matter the odds. And so, just browsing the time capsule of "us" made me smile. A certificate of being a couple... LOL Damn, we were REALLY into us... And we still are...

Anyway... cleaned up, only a small spot in the closet still awaits for my grasp... Buahahahah... I placed my furrrrred stuffed animals in order, sort of. Will clean up the dolls and move things to create a more "designing" look maybe on Mon or Tue. I've done a lot on my so called "vacation". I think its time to go for the "enjoy yourself a little" weekend starting tomorrow...

May go to the movies tomorrow night. On Friday I'll see if I go to Tibes (indios ceremonial museum place), and at evening Trilogy invited me to a small school activity in a restaurant in Joyuda. Ohhh, our first going out activity in 10 years, the tear is coming down my temple... sniff sniff... LOL

I'll see if I can visit the Mayaguez Zoo on Saturday... haven't been there ever since I was in 5th grade! LOL Shame on me, this is my hometown,you know? :D On Sunday will try to visit El Faro, and later on El Calvo... it's been a while... So that's the master plan... Gotta go tomorrow morning to get my small paycheck to see if I can sponsor my plans, and/or if I need help! LOL

On other news, Groundelette will start school next week... YAYYYYYYYYY!!! She did her matricula today. She told us yesterday, that put me in a good mood. :)

Groundel is mad at me, I guess because I have been talking to/seeing Trilogy... Nothing is perfect.

Trilogy has final tests this week, so he's a bit stressed... But he can handle.

No word from Coriolis... I hope he didn't went to work on a strip joint...

Lucinda is also missing in action...

Ahhhhhh... Pretty tired, sleepy... Gotta do like a good kitty and take a catnap.

10-4

Last night I was REALLY annoyed because I did this looong rant and then I had a computer failure so I lost it... I HATE when I get hit by inspiration and then as easy it goes... Hmmm... Right now I only recall small pieces of what I was writing about... Let's see...

Groundelette: Again, matters of attitude that certainly pisses me off... Yes, I have a clan... But my clan is not about taking advantage of me BUT about sharing daily life one bump at a time... Her clan is all about action-suspence-deceit-drama-gossip-moredrama and most importantly, about using HER. I can't believe someone can be SO blind not to see that little BIG fact! I don't see why she calls them friends, ESPECIALLY that Fabio guy... True friends DO NOT act as her friends do. But I guess that until she gets a true friend then she won't know the difference. In the meantime, her following Fabio's ass one way or the other is starting to be irritating. If she doesn't put her life together, then she better be warned that I won't stand that kind of chaos in MY cave. Even her mom said it, that she was suppossed to come over here leaving all her shit in NJ, to start clean and do things for herself and her family. That has not been what I have seen and tasted. What I see and taste is she came here to get Fabio one way or the other, simply because it's been 3 months and she only moved for one week to get a job, and only because I was insisting on it. I gave her all the tools to do EVERYTHING. She hasn't gone to get government aids, she hasn't look for a job on her own, she doesn't even cooks for herself. All she does is wait around the house the whole day, playing in the PS for hours, cleaning once every week, and waiting until there is nobody home so she talks with Fabio or the guy from Ohio. I am VERY upset with this, because she is just "chuleando" and doing nothing more. All that is in her mind is getting a guy, nothing of more substance really... Studying... Ah... I don't think she will stand it when and if it comes... My belief in what she wanted to do at first is completely gone, as I have seen the true colors of things. She waits for her mother to send her money, and she's living the parasite's life. This is the truth. I asked her mother to send no more money. Geee, the woman has almost NOTHING and from that she spares some for her daughter... And her daughter is healthy, kicking, with 2 hands and 2 legs and can work for a living... I was wrong to say groundel was lazy, he just lacks motivation. But his sister, she IS lazy. And I am getting to the end of my rope BECAUSE the LAST thing I tolerate is lazyness... It brings out the WORST of me. So I hope she shapes up, move and do her thing. If not, I will put her ass in a plane, or she'll make her "dream"come true because she will have to go live at Fabio's house. I have been too nice and too kind, but I see no results on that. I guess that Vierna the Bitch is the only one that everyone hates BUT receives results...

With that off my mind, comes the issue of Trilogy and Groundel. First things first...

Trilogy: The one that keeps on wasting precious time, for he still does not see I am giving him a last chance... I am doing the things I must, but I won't get off my house just because of pretty words or promises. He needs consistency on what he wants. He needs to make time EVERYDAY for me, not just when he remembers. He needs to learn to send me emails just because, and call me just because, and invite me places and ask me to hang out with him... If he doesn't do that, then I won't follow his ass. I am beyong that period of time. I want to be the one followed, won, courted... I want to be treated as the woman I am, I want to feel respect and admiration. I simply do not get that from him. So I think it all should be his effort, if HE really wants to be with me... In the meantime, I am busy doing things that affect me directly like straightening out my own life... No men included on that issue.

Groundel: The more he tries the more he bothers me. I am not complicated, I am quite simple BUT it is just the fact that we are too different and there is no true understanding. Sometimes it is just fine that he's around, but when he start getting anoying I just need a breath of fresh air... He still hopes to gain my trust. That is another story... Maybe we still can be good friends... Maybe things can look up. I still don't know, I am not feeling like trusting ANY man around me.

Coriolis: I hope that he doesn't get mad at me. I am not chasing him, just stating some truths on my side and trying to be as supportive as I can. I expect nothing else but his friendship, and that is perfectly fine with me. Sometimes, when I get blue, I think of our past and I get upset about it but I am allowed to have some feelings! I am all about feelings, ain't I? LOL I hope he sees beyond my words and actions, and I trust he does... He is the only one that REALLY knows me. And I love him for that, and for making my life a better hell. :)

Kara: I hope that she gets to grab her ex by the balls and to tear them apart. That guy deserves jail. I would go to the feds and have him arrested. Girl, think about THAT. He needs a reality check.

AVO: Glad to witness that the trouble in paradise is smoothing out. :)

Zordak: Hope he's still with good vision after the alcohol incident... LOL Already missing you, pal! :)

MrFlach: Missing in action... I wonder if the Pet Rocks kidnapped him...

Well... I recall I ranted about feelings and love and stuff, but I ain't feeling so pink today... I was painting the bathroom and have to give it a second hand... So, I'm out of here...

10-4

Yesterday woke up to the beat of the phone... 11:30... A call from work in the starting days of my so-called vacation... But at least it was not to give bad news, but to remind me of a little extra cash that arrived after 4 months... About time, Damnit!

So, I was awake, called the hojalatero and got the news that my baby was alive and kicking... Zordak called at 1:00 and so he arrived later on to give me a lift. Always the gentleman, always funny. The guy never changes, amen to that. My baby was delivered to me in one piece, and even shiny and glowing! I couldn't believe it! It looked amazing! After a whole year, my car looks perfect. I felt I could kiss the hojalatero, but nah... LOL The other funny moment was that the guy asked Groundelette if she was praying or something, because she was looking to the floor and sooooooo quiet! LMFAO!!! Yup, she stared at him the way she does... But hey, it is the truth. She's got to learn to talk at least "socially"... How can she create some "acquaintances" if she always plays the mute? Ok, whatever...

The second funny thing was that the people at the auto body repair thought Zordak was my boyfriend... Oh, well... Guess he looks like the kind of guy that can wreck a car? LOL Or maybe they saw when he arrived with us at the place... Zordak can be a hazard in the streets! Yup, stick to magic, repeat STICK TO MAGIC... TELEPORT! The safe other way to go... Hmmm... Wrong choice of words...

Soooo... then it was off to the glass place so the car glass could be mounted. We waited for 15 minutes, Zordak and I catched up in some local news. Grundelette kept on being quiet... Guess that one will actually initiate a conversation when pigs fly! Anyway... The baby was delivered in my hands for a second time, and it looked like new. The joy had no description. I felt so happy I invited for a round of ale at the local bar! Ok, so actually I invited for a round of ice cream at BR, but hey it's almost the same delight (so I've been told). Zordak made his choice at once and we had to beat the choice out of Groundelette's mouth. Even for ice cream flavor she won't speak up... SHOOT ME! Finally, after 4 years I got a hold on a Mocha Blast... Yes, it's one of those pleasurable cold thinguies that I just love. I definitively enjoyed the moment. :) We had a nice little time at BR. Laughed a-lot.

Whenever Zordak is around is an instant time capsule... or more like time stops and we are back at were we left off. He's one of the few people I can stop seeing for a while but wish I could see everyday, all the time... And I wouldn't get tired of it. I consider him family. He's been there through good and bad times, listening to me, supporting me and bothering me as well. LOL Duh, only true friends are allowed that PRIVILEGE. ;) I know right now his life is "complicated" as he says it, but hey... don't come around twice a year! You can do a once a week at least, lazy ass! :) It is the daily nonsense that we shared for more than 8 years that bonds us forever. Live up to the memory! Besides, we are worth it. :) Zordak is my pride and joy. He was the one everyone picked on, and the one that moved forward and created his own life (besides myself). He is an example of where there is a will, ANYTHING can be done. He built himself by his own hands. I admire that, as he gained my full respect that way. I am VERY PROUD of my mage! Let the whole world know it! :D

Anyway, that was the Kodak Moment of the month. :) From BR we all departed. Was quite tired when I got home, so had a nice little nap and then went online for a while... Seems AVO is sorting things out with the Hottie. I hope so, the lady is got to realize one way or the other that AVO is very true in his ways, and that he is precious. She better not hurt him or I'll hunt her down and exterminate her! Hmph! ;)

Today, Lucinda's hubby passed by to take my baby for a walk... and so, another day without a car... Well, since boredom leads to creativity, I spent the day painting some walls in yellowish green and made a small mural in the living room. I may do the bathroom tomorrow, if I feel like it... Whatever. Lucinda passed by to take me to my baby, and so the quest is almost over. The car is happy inside-out. Now it just need a change of diapers... er... oil... and a change of shoes... er... tires... And that's about it. I am feeling wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee about that. The car had me stressed-out. At least now I know it is still the #1 dependable entity in my life. Yay!

Trilogy called during the afternoon. Today is the official 30 years of Dungeons & Dragons, and all around the world gamers would unite and play the same 3rd edition special module made for this event... Whatever. I love AD&D but I am an old-school 2nd edition fan, plus I believe in making your own stories and not playing something EVERYONE will be playing... Awwwwww... Dissapointed? Peter? Royal? Trilogy? Do not worry, there's eternity to play Dungeons... my way... ;)

LadyMex called too. She's still on the loop of the last time we went to SanGerman... Ahhhh... Like, move on, girl! And she said something of getting together for Halloween... Ahhhh... Like... You believe in making it a "United Nations" day so kids do not celebrate pagan things... I believe in having fun in a day dedicated to horror... FUN. F-U-N. No devil worshipping, no throwing rotten eggs, but FUN. And I kinda get a bit gothic on the special date... So I don't see how we can get together and celebrate without hindering each other's idea of what the day should be... Anyway... We'll see how THAT turns out... I have nothing against LadyMex, it's just that she makes a big deal out of things that do not require much deep thought... I am not complicated. I go with the flow. But the speech of me not knowing how it feels to have kids kinda pisses me off... It's always in the tip of her tongue... Ahhhhh!!! I do have something called COMMON SENSE. Plus, NEWSFLASH dear LadyMex: I was a kid once, years ago. I handled myself pretty well. I can handle kids as well.

Wow, looks like I have been quiet the whole day, huh? Shut me up! Hit me with a brick! LOL

10-4

The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good- natured, she thought: still it had verylong claws and a great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect.

`Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. `Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. `Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

`I don't much care where--' said Alice.

`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

`--so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.

`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.'

Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another question. `What sort of people live about here?'

`In that direction,' the Cat said, waving its right paw round, `lives a Hatter: and in that direction,' waving the other paw, `lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.'

`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'

`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.

`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'

-Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"

My car looks happy. Finally the outside is clean, glossy and damage-free. Amen! The glass was restored and the evil bump was straightened... Tomorrow to finish things off by repairing the internal issues. I'm glad that plan is coming together. :)

10-4

I walked for 1 1/2 hours today, from the hojalatero to my house... Fun long walk under the sun... I feel like a fried chicken, my skin is actually THERE... I may have got a small insolation, had a fever during the afternoon... At least my sickness is gone? LOL Ah, life...ain't it a bowl of cherries? Jah!

Went to the PO and got a package from China... Yup, my Disney movies came from China and I didn't wanted to break the packaging... LOL Used a razor to open it. Spent the whole afternoon watching Bambi, Sleeping Beauty, Alice in Wonderland, Lion King. Imagine my mood. :) And since I am feeling happy and pink, my dear Coriolis is feeling doomed, gloom and under the sink... Ah... talking lately about how things never change? Yup, it would take a cosmical catastrophy for us to get in the same mood after all... I guess that it is all about the balance of the Universe... Good vs Evil, Law vs Chaos, Blaze vs Coriolis... LOL We balance each other out. That's the trick of our neverending friendship, one is up to pick the other when the other is down, or one is down to drive the other crazy... :D Some Higher puppeteer is having fun with us at all times...

And as I fall asleep, one day my Prince Charming will wake me up with a kiss... And then we'll both send the dwarves to destroy humanity and build a nice sturdy castle so the Elves can decorate it and we can live happily ever after... LOL We are all allowed to dream, ain't we? And my dreams do not give up on perfection, as perfection can only happen when two halves meant for each other become one whole. And I wish that my other half would understand that little fact... But he's so stubborn that in his denying me, my memory has become frozen inside his heart of stone. I know my own little ghosts and my own little truths... I live my own little life as best as I can, and I build my actions on the base of love... inconditional, endless, timeless, true... And so I love as I do... And I am called mad because of that. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I must live up to my title, no? And a mad witch cannot be taken seriously by any man... or humanoid... Or so the Oracle says... So I guess I'll just go deeper in my madness, keep worshipping my cats and just live my present to the fullest as dreamland is an idea that was not made for me...

Yes, sometimes I get bitter about the things some people tell me... It is mostly that my people get me upside-down. My good intentions are easily misrepresented or misunderstood, and soon it all leads to cinders... I have the will and the desire but not the motivation to do certain things...

Trilogy has failed once more. I expected him to connect with me a bit more, but his lack of "reaching me" is leaving me without any will to do anything in his favor. I feel his words have been empty once more, and now with the excuse of having no time because of school... School never stopped me from seeing him daily years ago... So... Ah! I won't even get started there... I am not a toy that you can use or remember on occassion... I need presence, sharing, mind link, essence, thoughts, will, actions... He's getting over the no-studying phase BUT he's still not into the serious commitment attitude and I am too tired of it. Last time he walked with me from his house to my apartment it was a 2 hour walk of non-stop crying for me... Crying... Bitter crying for things he tells me, things he shows me and all in all how much he hurts me carelessly... As always... And from that night a part of me feels dead inside...

Groundel has been doing his normal stuff, working his ass off... Studying... Playing... Nothing different there. At least he is not arguing with anything... And he has been more supportive with his sister... He still hopes to change my mind, but expects the worst. He knows what's in my mind and heart... Time after...

Mixed feelings with some others, but I won't get there. One is banned from me and the other I choose to be banned from him... No more additions to my drama... Enough of that. Although "If I could turn back time, If I could find the way... You'll stay..." It's too late for second chances that in reality are thirds or fourths... I know how a failure causes an impact in relationships... Especially after Groundel failed me... Nothing was the same... So I know how the One feels... He said he never hated me, I guess I know what he meant... But the feeling that is left burns... Nothing is ever the same... He made the wise choice of ending it soon. If we had tried right away, then we would really HATE each other now. I look back and I still don't know why I failed him as I did, why I had no patience whatsoever... I became what I have always preached against. I can say that now, with the "other" point of view, and it saddens me. Thanks to me our lives were both screwed, he was left with the never-ending search and I was left without him. Do not bend your knee before dead gods... Fickle, arrogant, wicked... how much he chooses to ignore me, and how much I love him! He talks about his lonelyness and his emptyness, and all I want to do is go over there and just hold him tight... He tells me what he wants and is just the smallest part of what I want to give him. Do not bend your knee before dead gods... Yeah, thats the mental note I must keep for him... to keep my sanity... to have the strenght to fulfill one of my greatest promises... to help him go through his dark times, so he finds happiness. The greatest nothing that ever happenned to me... Ah, depressed ranting... I must stop watching Disney movies...

The one I choose to stay banned from could be the someone that makes my life happy... But some issues divides us... And it is better to keep our friendship than to hate each other for true... We argue a-lot... But our intense conversations are always worth it. My genius... I wish him happiness...

Love is the greatest deceit created by God so He has fun when He is bored... Love is the thing that means everything to you when you can't have it, and that you take for granted when it's at your side. It is the greatest of joys, and the greatest of dissapointments... Better to feel nothing... But then again, life would be worthless...

Whatever...

10-4

Another long day, basically because I was feeling so sick... Woke up with fever and runny nose... My luck... vacation and sickness goes always hand in hand... Anyway, managed to get on my car and go over to the hojalatero to get an estimate for repairing my car's window. That will be tomorrow's morning deal: First stop go and leave my car at the hojalatero's place, then the second dilemma will be the looooong walk to get to my apartment... and wait for a call in the afternoon so I walk all the way back to get the car... We'll see how that turns out... I'll get the window fixed (better say glued) on Friday, so on Friday night I can leave my car with Lucinda so on Saturday her hubby takes it to his repair place and do the motor... So I hopefully will have my car almost complete by Saturday afternoon... After that, it will be a matter of getting the tires and the marbete by the end of month... And then I can safely say my car will be up to more years of punishment. LOL Yup, this is "Feeding the car's ego" week. He deserves it. He has served me for 6 years and has not failed me... and I have travelled through hell and back! I love my car even if I don't show, we have a bond... My precious, the only thing I truly own, the only thing I can call mine... My own... My preciousssssssssssssssssss...

So, basically that's what I've been up to... Finding ways to fix the car, and doing window shopping so I don't just stay at home buried in my bed (that would make me sicker). Next week I hope I can get to paint my room at my aunt's and put things together over there. Can't even think of it right now, she doesn't like me to go visit when I am sick... Funny, huh? So... Maybe I'll just design something in the living room... Who knows, when I get bored and sick it is a dangerous combination... I get to paint the unpaintable and change the unchangeable... Buahahahahah... Plus the Halloween vein needs blood... It's asking for it... And my gothic tendencies ask for retribution as well... I must obey. :)

Kitties misbehaving, everything else quiet... I'm tired and achy, so I shall write no more. Live long and prosper! ;)

10-4

Been quite a day... Woke up with fever. Sent Groudelette to get me some pills since there was nothing here... Slight scare of no water, but then it came back at 10 or so... Then this thing with Favio... Groundelette should not speak to the guy after being so thoughtless and careless about her! Anyway, took her to the mall, and spent the whole afternoon windowshopping (no money no boloni). Came back and after a while Fabio makes an appearance. Took him into a small trip about the real world... I HOPE he gets the POINTS I tried to make him SEE. If not, next time I won't be so civil or polite, because I WAS polite and only speaking the TRUTH. Anyway, off he goes and Groundelette is left crying... After eating, Groundel got up and went to speak with her... Dunno what he said, at least I heard her laughing and she stopped crying . I stayed away, digging myself in some serious cyber-search for slipcovers for my sofas... The cats have been having too much fun lately :)

Being a mother is a tough, nasty job... DAMNIT

On other news, Zordak appeared last night in my cave. It was absolute FUN. We all had a good time. I wish he would drop by more frequently, his company is really precious to me. One of the few people that always puts me in a good mood no matter what. At least some things never change! :)

Trilogy called today saying that he had been calling my work by mistake for the past 2 days... Hmmm... Ok... Then His father appears drunk and he had to hang up... Yup, things that never change... This one sucks... Oh, well...

No word from Coriolis... Must be wandering in the 5th dimension...

And that's about it... I'm still feeling sick but by now I'm used to it. LOL

10-4

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses. "You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world." And the roses were very much embarassed. "You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . ."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

-Antoine de Saint Exupéry, "The Little Prince"

This small book is my favorite book of all times. I read it once each year, and every time it gives insight upon so many things... This part, where the fox gives the lesson of what friendship is, is always my favorite. I dedicate this to my cherished flowers: Lucinda, Coriolis, Groundel, Zordak, Joe and Trilogy. It is the time that I have wasted on you that makes you so important... I love you all. :)

Slow weekend. Have not felt like doing much... Basically hibernated and watched some rented movies... Hidalgo was ok, but horses are not my fav topic for entertainment... Shaolin Soccer was hilarious, reminded me of Ranma 1/2... KillBill2 I really liked, I just LOVE the Bride character (although Umma doesn't really look good or healthy... and from other movies and tv seems the girl is a walking corpse!). Began watching Johny Q on tv but had to go before the movie finished...

Today woke up at 1:30pm... Was raining so I had no option but to play with Fireworks and surf the net for a looooooong while... I sacrificed myself, you know... ;) And here I am... Not sleepy, a bit tired...

Feeling: Confused, psychedout, neglected, forgotten, jealous, contradictory, choice-impaired, random, conglomerate thoughts, contempt, free

Looking: Awesomely ravashingly beautiful

Thinking: About many colorful projects

Wishing: For True Love to be Real instead of such a Dream

Having: Brain damage

10-4

Last day of work, at least for this month. Nothing is THAT perfect! :P Anyway… Been solving some problems… more like gathering information on problems that are not mine to solve… It’s funny, but everyone has the same problems yet somehow the information was biased towards the facts that problems were individual and that they were my fault somehow… Hmmm… Good to see Palas Athenea helping me out with ker Knowledge. Yayyy! And Nike shall prevail! This I command! :)

So what’s the summary up to? Let’s see:

Well, AVO is having the Time of his Life with his Hottie. Hope that things works out. He deserves to get the best gal in the Area Metro, after all he has given enough to Life and it’s time for Life to payback, DAMNIT! LOL Nothing like putting all his talents to play as well… The guy is one of my favorite creators. He has a never-ending knack for raw talent in everything he creates both musically and in writtings. He’s definitively the greatest Diva. :D

Coriolis may be or may be not coming to visit this weekend. It all depends on Fate’s fickleness. Between work, his mom and the house, he’s gotta take a break to breath and live in Dungeons!

Groundelette will spend the weeking taking care of Fabio’s mother since he will go on camp… Yes, the slave obeys the master without any buts… He would not talk to her, but he did came to ask that of her. I simply don’t get WHY WHY WHY she puts up with being used all the time. It drives me insane!!!

Groundel has been working hard this week, and has crossed little words with me. And has been stuck to the playstation daily while not studying… Changing habits… Now THAT would be a fairy tale! Whatever. I just surf the net and then sleep. Not much to do there anyway.

Lucinda has been missing in action… I fear that somehow she got stuck in a cave or maybe a rocky slide finished her life! Right… Our lovely Tomb Raider has been putting up with school, and work, and the kids, and the hubby… So its definitively Understandable, Understandable… Just a bit Reprehensible… ;)

No word from Trilogy, and seems that he denies the fact that it is easier to contact me within the net than trying to get a hold of me at home… I have a saying that If you wanna find ME, YOU will find ME no matter what, where or when. Soooo… Try a little harder. I have done my move in this game of chess. It is your turn…

And so, when the clock turns 4:30pm I will be FREE from the Society Compulsory Obligation of Working for a Living… Until Halloween. Yup, half a month, sort of… It’s the first time I spend so many days in a row, in these four years I always took a week only each three months, so I guess that’s why I don’t feel I’ve been on vacation… Whatever… I’ll be doing some serious house cleaning in the next days. And it will extend to my rooms at my aunt’s house. Some decoration plans, and more… Jejeje… Let’s see how the plans unfold…

My feelings: Contempt, bittersweet, thoughtful, introspective, happy-go-lucky, hopeful, dreamy, tired, compassionate, demanding, battling, courageous, strong, decisive, intuitive, bardic… Take it or leave it.

This is me, how I like to be:
Take it or leave it!

I am free, how I like to be:
Take it or Leave it!

Take it or Leave it!
-Misfits (the Jem kind, ;P)

10-4

“La libertad sólo existe cuando el amor está presente. Quien se entrega totalmente, quien se siente libre, ama al máximo.”
-Paulo Coelho, “Once minutos”

“La otra parte es ni más ni menos que la otra mitad perdida de nosotros mismos, nuestro complemento. Es otro ser imperfecto como nosotros, pero que a nuestro lado y con su luz, hace que todo se perfeccione e ilumine a nuestro alrededor.”

“Somos responsables por reunir nuevamente, por lo menos una vez en cada encarnación, a la otra parte que con seguridad se cruzará en nuestro camino. Aunque sea por unos instantes siquiera; porque esos instantes traen un amor tan intenso que justifica el resto de nuestros días.”

-Paulo Coelho, “Brida”

Got a weird call from Coriolis, at work, saying that I was just calling him... ??? I was not near the phone the whole morning, so I guess my evil twin sister is playing tricks on us? LOL No, I'm not loosing it yet, damnit!

Long day. Thanks to a "huelga" at "Colegio" I wasted 1 1/2 hours of my life in an endless "tapón". Gosh! And in the middle of the rain, my car's windshield broke... I went from Mayaguez to SGerman almost as blind as a bat... Hmmm... Well, the sonar is working pretty well...

Yesterday Trilogy called. He was in the middle of the big adventure of going over to the mall and getting a uniform for his "Turismo" classes... jehjehjeh... Going back to your Boy Scout years, pal? ;P That was quite hilarious, he was not happy about it... I can imagine... Him being the anarkist and all... It will be a nice thing to get to see him in nice pants, long shirt and tie... His good twin brother?

Today, arrived quite beated from work. Had enough energy to just put my boots in order... LOL Like I have this HUGE amount of boots, right? Anyway... Kitties behaving, Groundelette treated us to some chinese food, and strangled time changing the look of my little corner of the net... Trying to amuse the few puppets that read this... Ahem... Friends. :D

Gotta go take a bath and go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep... Oh, yeah! ;)

10-4

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say, "I used everything that you gave me."

- Erma Bombeck


Yesterday had to go to Aguadilla to fix some stuff, no system there... The guy from the phone company turned of the router... No comments... Anyhow, the day went fast and smooth... Had a bit of a heated experience with a call, but hey, a day without one conmotion is not a day... I guess...

Talked briefly with Trilogy. Sounds ok to me. I didn't knew that Groundel and him kinda met on Friday, Groundel didn't told me. Trilogy was scared of calling because he thought that would bring trouble over me... ???? Why? Oh, the little mind... I forget... Men has a way of seeing things, territorial stuff. Whatever. I didn't go too deep on the conversation... Want to take my time with that. Want to see if it's possible to get to know each other again, to have fun and laughs. But time is a key factor. It's gonna be difficult to not assume things, with the big bad baggage of experiences of 15 years in the making... but it is worth the try. It is important to be friends, and that takes patience and compromise... We'll see what happens...

Groundel seems to be on either denial stage or the same "I'll do everything so I get her again" phase... It's always the same. Forgive my lack of joy but I have been there, seen that... After he gets the chance he always cools off and returns to his normal behavior... So forgive me if I don't believe in the imagery or the "pretty picture". Too many chances, too many failures... I hope he gets the reality check soon. I want to be alone. Right now, nothing he can do can change my mind on that. I need to see things from the "fresh" point of view. I need to be in my corner, watching. That's how I feel... like being the silent witness to everything around me. I don't wanna take part in anything... Just watch... And learn...

Coriolis made a sound move towards happiness. I am very proud of him. He may be a bastard to some, but I know the Care Bear inside of him, and the gloves that he was trying to put on simply did not fit him. I am glad he came to realize some things are very important... His mother deserves the prize, that much I do know. Fuck everyone else's opinion.

Lucinda took 4 tests yesterday... Yikes... I remember how tense that was... LOL

Groundelette did the laundry yesterday... Amen to that. I was scared I would get home and she'll run around naked! :O LOL

Back to work... Let's see how the morning unfolds...

10-4

Sunday: Woke up late, and browsed the mall for mandatory goodies. Got a pair of combat boots to cheer me up. Visited auntie dearest and el calvo, and back home to sleep... I am so tired! Work is draining my life-force! LOL Whatever...

No word from Trilogy yet. If he called he never leaves messages, so I cannot tell... I hope that this time he makes time to allow himself to pop-up in daily life and say hello... at least... We'll see what the storm leaves behind...

Groundel still do not get some facts... Some things are tiresome... Whatever... Things happen for a purpose.

Groundelette is trying to accept her facts about Favio, but somehow never gives up...

Coriolis still hunting for a new lair... He almost had one, but saw another and will be investigating today. Good luck with the house-hunt!

Nothing of further interest... Will be on vacation from next week until Halloween... Yay!!! I hope I can do some changes in my rooms at auntie's house. I want to paint the Barbies room, and create a nice display for them. :) Oh, and to finally finish Mistra's place of rest...

10-4

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we walk in fieldss of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of Barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of Barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold

I never mad promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold

We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can thell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

When we walked in fields of gold

When we walked in fields of gold

-Sting, "Fields of gold"

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Is this burning an eternal flame?

I believe it's meant to be, darling
I watch you when you are sleeping, you belong with me
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Or is this burning an eternal flame?

Say my name, sun shines through the rain
A whole life so lonely
And then you come and ease the pain
I don't want to lose this feeling, oh

Say my name, sun shines through the rain
A whole life so lonely
And then you come and ease the pain
I don't want to lose this feeling, oh

Close your eyes, give me your hand
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Or is this burning an eternal flame?

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Is this burning an eternal flame?

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Aah! An eternal flame?

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Is this burning an eternal flame?

-Bangles, "Eternal Flame"

Went with my sister (yes, I have a sister... two actually, and two more brothers...thank you very much)to Ponce. It was suppossed to be a day to get what I needed for the wedding, BUT given the current wherabouts it was a day for eating out, shopping and fun. We stopped in Yauco and ate a yummy calzone. Then to Ponce to go near La Guancha and to Plaza del Caribe... I got some stuff at HT and she got some shoes. On the way back we stopped at BK and then at her godmother's to get her hubby. I almost just arrived here... The welcome was not too warm... Basically I felt completely ignored but I guess I should get used to it from now on... Coriolis had called, will try contacting him soon...

Well... Back to reality... All in all... It was a good day. And yesterday was a good night. Hopefully the days from now on will bring a gift, each one... on their own. I am not pushing it.

Already missing Trilogy... my Beast.

10-4

Ok, so this is an insane version of the Village People... Be patient, it is worth the wait. :P http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/tribute/

Ok, after that sidenote... To the daily news. Sort of...

Lucinda called. She was spooked to hear me making funny noises... What? I am suppossed to be screaming or killing people all the time? Well, hate to dissappoint the audience but even sorrowful me takes a break now and then to actually laugh! :) Well... Einstein's dog was killed last night by an unknown car... She was to look for a pet-replacement since she was giving some responsability therapy to the kid using the dog... I highly advised putting a fence before getting yet ANOTHER pet... But hey, who listens to the weirdo?

Then Coriolis called... Another one that complained about me sounding happy... Helloooooo people? Lighten up! Anyway... He and his bitches... Literally... His lady dog had babies last night... He's pondering about creating a blog and a webpage of himself... Finally he got that there's no better way to boost your ego than watching yourself on the web, I guess! LOL Ah, he probably is VERY bored... we all know the truth, don't we?

Well... Went for a long walk after work. Gathered food and visited Trilogy on the way. It was really nice to finally be able to spend some minutes with him, been quite a while since I last saw him. He was not such an ass this time. We actually had a decent quasi-conversation and he showed me some funny funky stuff that he has on his PC. My favorites were the weird artwork, funny thing that Trilogy had not noticed the heart of the "heart" lady. :P Anyway, he walked me home and then went away. Odd not to hear any complaint about walking from his side... Odd not to hear any complaint at all, as a matter of fact. Guess he's really trying to stick to the "no more bull" policy. That's a start, and a change. Let's see for how long it lasts.

Trying to get some movies online... And checking other deals... Feeding the habit...

10-4

It is not that I am an Ice Queen, it is call "protective mode". Complete shutdown to emotions is necessary to take some steps... And it is a big bother when people do not understand that. Sometimes the more they try, the more they fail... Sometimes it is not a matter of failing, but a matter of being annoying... I want to be left alone, is that so hard to understand? I want to be able to breathe the air around me, and enjoy the sound of silence. There's been noise for too long, for too many years... I want to be deaf and blind and mute... I want to become still, and echo the volcanoes when they sleep. I wish a retreat could be easier than it looks, but all has to be slow... In the end everything falls in place, we all go back to the shadows where we belong...

I am not as upset as I expected. I feel relieved of a big burden, because it all took the shape of a great burden. I feel a bittersweet ambience around me... An era is fading away. That much I know. And some just won't let go... This sums up how I feel...



Ah desgraciado si el dolor te abate,
Si el cansancio tus miembros entumece...
Haz como el árbol seco: Reverdece!
O como el germen enterrado: Late!

Resurge, alienta, grita, anda, combate,
vibra, ondula, retruena, resplandece!
Haz como el río con la lluvia: Crece!
Y como el mar contra la roca: Bate!

De la tormenta al iracundo empuje,
No has de balar como el cordero triste
sino rugir como la fiera ruge!

Levántate, revuélvete, resiste!
Haz como el toro acorralado: Muge!
O como el toro que no muge: Embiste!

-José de Diego, "En la Brecha"

10-4

Yesterday was the goodbye to one of the co-workers. I helped decorating, making the mural... The guy was not one of my biggest joys, but I guess I will miss his constant anoying me with "You got to integrate to the group" speech...

Well, people have taken so-so the decision. I guess most expected that, from my writings and from witnessing the behaviors of the ogre and the half-snake. Groundel seems sad, but is not talking about it. He just keeps playing video games, as usual. And working. And "studying". He's never into deep conversations, and he's definitively not into sharing his thoughts... And my crystal ball is too cluttered with many images so I don't wanna look. I need peace and quiet. I need solitude. I need to become untouchable. I need to wander alone in the woods, to hum my mantras and just to be... I would like to visit El Faro and stay up there seated, just watching the sea, just feeling the breeze taking away all my thoughts... But got to fix my car first. I need to get in touch with an old friend that I have missed alot... myself. Gotta do some cleaning, gotta put things in order, gotta do the Great Clean Sweep... And then, gotta try to make my own destiny...

10-4

I'm sad. I'm trying to make sense to AVO but I am growing short on words... How can a hangman help a corpse? He feels angry at himself, and right now feels there is nothing worth it in his life... So he wishes for Darkness to swallow him up, make him numb to reality and even to dreams... He just wants the stillness and serenity of a rock perhaps...

But a rock is broken sooner or later. It is better to take the shape of the water, so you are disturbed but then you find your true shape... So everything can change you but you will always remain your true self...

I confess I am not perfect, I confess I am a fool, forever a romantic that believes in her shining knight... Underneath my hard surface, underneath the icy sheath that veils my self and my shadow. It is only natural to be angry... I know anger... I know how it feels to fail yourself, or to want something so badly because you are worth it, because it is just what you need, want and deserve... I know the dissapointment is overwhelming, and it hurts like a slap in your face, and it shames you even if sometimes it is not your fault at all but destiny's fickleness...

The gods are at play, so we entertain them. Just keep belief that in the end you make your own ending, you are the hero of your own epic, and you will prevail... No matter the odds, no matter the obstacles. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What gives you pain makes you stronger. What is difficult makes you stronger. What seems impossible fuels your will to go on, and make it. Ignore the perils of the way, just focus on the goal... You will get there. Just make a knot at the end of your rope and hang on.

I love you. Just because I doesn't love you the way you want doesn't mean that I don't love you with all I have. And right now my heart is broken, aimless... I am trying to keep belief myself, True Love is out there... I know so... And although things are stormy, dark and gritty, one day you will look back and smile. And you'll say "I have come a long way..."

10-4

De un tiempo perdido a esta parte esta noche a venido
un recuerdo encontrado para quedarse conmigo
de un tiempo lejano a esta parte ha venido esta noche
otro recuerdo prohibido olvidado en, el olvido

Sentimentalmente para remediarlo
voy a quedarme contigo para siempre
pero puede que te encuentre ultimamente
entre tanto me confundo con la gente

Sentimentalmente nuestro por ahora
ese nido que el olvido ha destruido
y si el viento me devuelve a tus orillas
serenamente sera dormido
serenamente sera dormido

De un tiempo lejano a esta parte ha venido perdido
sin tocarme la puerta recuerdo entrometido
De un tiempo olvidado ha venido un recuerdo mojado
de una tarde de lluvia de tu pelo enredado

Como siempre que se cambian los papeles
voy a quedarme dormido en tu cintura
y si me despierta el dia presumido
dejame quedarme un poco en las alturas

Para que contar el tiempo que nos queda
para que contar el tiempo que se ha ido
si vivir es un regalo y un presente
Mitad despierto mitad dormido
mitad abierto mitad dormido

Solo se que no se nada de tu vida
Solo me colgue una vez en el pasado
presente mis credenciales a tu risa
y me clavaste una lanza en el costado

Creo que no te deje jugar con fuego
solo nos dijimos cosas al oido
y si un dia te encontrare una mañana
Sera posible sera dormido
sera posible sera dormido
- Los Rodríguez, "Para no olvidar"

A las cinco se cierra la barra
del treinta y tres,
pero Mario no sale hasta las seis.
Y si encima le toca hacer caja
despidete.
casi siempre se le hace de dia
mientras María,
ya se ha puesto en pie.
ha hecho la casa
ha hecho hasta el café
y lo espera medio desnuda.

Mario llega cansado y saluda
sin mucho afán.
quiere cama pero otra variedad.
y María se moja las ganas
en el café.
magdalenas del sexo convexo.
luego el trabajo
en un gran almacén.
cuando regresa
no hay más que un somier
taciturno que usar por turnos.

cruz de navajas por una mujer
brillos mortales despuntan al alba
sangres que tiñen de malva
el amanecer.

Pero hoy como ha habido redada
en el treinta y tres
Mario vuelve a las cinco menos diez.

En la calle vacia a lo lejos
solo se ven
a unos novios comiéndose a besos.

Y el pobre Mario
se quiere morir,
cuando se acerca
para descubrir
que es Maria con compañía.

Cruz de navajas por una mujer
brillos mortales despuntan al alba
sangres que tiñen de malva
el amanecer.

Sobre Mario de bruces tres cruces
una en la frente
la que mas dolió
Otra en el pecho
la que le mató
y otra miente en el noticiero
Dos drogadictos en plena ansiedad
roban y matan a Mario Postigo
mientras su esposa es testigo
desde el portal.

Cruz de navajas por una mujer
brillos mortales despuntan al alba
sangres que tiñen de malva
el amanecer.

-Mecano, "Cruz de navajas"

Painted a sky/sea mural with ship and lighthouse for a farewell activity on Thursday... Been on it the whole day... I was gonna paint it tomorrow, but woke up with body ache, and I know that means I am getting sick very, very soon. At least it went fast, and it is about 6 feet high by 18 feet wide. :) Gonna go home, take a bath and go to sleep, definitively.

I'm still on the thinking about everything business... Oh, well... Whatever happens I hope that it is somehow fine... Happiness is what you make of your own life, it is not something anyone can give you. The way that I feel about cats... they are my life, an extension of myself... And the way people handles cats tells me a lot about the way they will handle me. More to think about...

Lucinda having trouble with a word... okkkkkk... weird moment of the day.

10-4

We talked about postponing the wedding. We came to a middle agreement to change the date for next year. Too many things are going on, lack of money, lack of support, lack of will, lack of patience... The storms hitting Florida are like an omen, too. I'm gonna wait a while a try to sort things out. I will contact everyone in person to give the... news... Right now I don't feel like writing or talking.

10-4

Important decisions are never easy. I weight good versus bad, time versus tears, promises versus actions... It all ends in the same place. I do not want to marry. I thought I did, a year ago... but things have not improved as I expected, and love is almost absent. I say almost, because to have the patience I've had and to do the things I've done I must definitively love even if it's not a passionate storm... It saddens me inmensily, but I need to put myself first even if this is the first time I do so in so many years. I need to go home, like it or not. I need to heal some old wounds, like it or not. I need to take my children with me, and let them help me heal. I cannot just open another door because I feel like it... Whatever is to be, will be. But right now I need ME time, I need to be alone.

I cried today, as always the One makes me cry. He thoughtlessly throws daggers at me without stopping to think that I do feel, that I am doing things for him even if it doesn't seem like it... I need words of encouragement and hope, not bitterness and spurn. Why is that so hard to understand or accept? I need strenght for being me, as I've given all my strenght helping others. I need kindness and whispers, no more fighting... no more questions or doubts... I need a quiet retreat, to breath, to hear my own heart beating... I need rest and calmness and quietness... Give me shelter, soothe my spirit... But do not put more hatred or madness into the cauldron... It's all driving me mad... It's all so insane! Why can't anyone see I am crystal clear... I have nothing to hide, but so much to give! Why is it that I am so easily missunderstood at all times?

The phoenix is consumed by her own fire. The ashes fall into the earth, and so it ends once more.

The smallest of flames fights to burn... Among the ashes, it fights... Among the ashes...

10-4

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for respect
He deals the crads to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden loaw of a probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

I know that the spades are swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades

I know that the spades are swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost

I know that the spades are swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

-Sting, "Shape of my Heart"

Two paths, and I do not know what to do… I hate this. It is a no-win situation, no matter what I choose, I loose. I’m supposed to take the least bad decision, but either way it hurts… And I feel tied up with chains so thick… In searching answers I’ve come up with more questions. My mind cannot take all this, I am numb to any feeling or emotion BECAUSE I just have so much to think about…

Trilogy called on Saturday afternoon. He was asking what I was gonna do. Then he starts demanding as usual… I cannot handle more arguments with him. I asked him to call Coriolis, my “attorney”. Convinced him to do so, even if he was reluctant. Why call Coriolis? Because he is the only one grounded enough and sane enough to get the truth out of anyone without becoming biased. And Coriolis knows me inside out-upside down. Coriolis knows how-why-when I think or do things, he has paid attention to ME always, he has ALWAYS been there as the truest friend only an elf can be… Watching… Gathering information… Yup, that’s Coriolis… My psychiatrist, counselor, mentor, guidance, advisor, navigator… So… Trilogy called Coriolis and in the evening Coriolis called me. He said Trilogy was being truthful, and that his demands made sense That it was in my hands to accept Trilogy, or simply go on with what I had planned… My choice…

I told Groundel about the whole thing, he was mad, went out to take a 2-hour walk, came back… The silent one as usual. What is going on in his mind, a great mistery. Yesterday he was acting as if nothing happenned… Hello? So, I get no input, no data, no words from him… And it’s driving me crazy… My choice…

I don’t know what to do. The wedding is 4 weeks away, and I have the invitations in my car. I still have not sent them, because I am not sure if this is the right choice. I am not sure if I want to witness Groundel’s attitude for the rest of my life, and I am not sure that I can take more of his taking me for granted… He may love me, but he has a funny way of showing it… and I am feeling nothing from that love. All the things that has happenned during these 7 years we have been together has tested and trialed the love I have, and honestly I no longer know if I have any love left for him. I care deeply, but the deep meaning of love goes beyond time and place… I feel Groundel and me can be the best of friends, but as a couple, we suck. I think a couple should share 90% of thoughts and actions, and should know each other well, and have daily details with one another. But Groundel and me, the “air” of drama is not a love affair, mostly is a fight about his passion for video games or dungeons… And don get me wrong, I LOVE dungeons but… BUT… I should not be third place to games and dungeons. I should be first place to anything at all… And all this time I have been 3rd place, is that going to change just because God bless us and we sign a paper?

Then there’s Trilogy. My first love. My true love. My soulmate. The apple of my eye. The one I waited for, for 15 years… The one that has wasted his life doing nothing productive, following the crowd and not-so-friendly friends… Now he wants me seriously. He started studying by his own will, and he wants to marry me. So he says. And when we talk in the phone or in person there is this neverending charm in the air… overwhelming spell that won’t fade away… I KNOW he loves me, I KNOW he want’s to be with me, I KNOW we made each other so many promises that even throughout the years won’t die… But… There’s always the but. With him I was second place to the crowd, to his friends… Will that change now? Has he learned his lesson? How can I trust his word, when so many times it has been full of hollow promises? I don’t know if I should give him one last chance, for the 20th time… I don’t know if we are worth the trouble… I feel his presence fills my heart, and we have the rapport that Groundel and I will never have… but is it worth throwing away all these last years even if they have NOT been peachy or perfect?

With Groundel I have grown, like it or not. I became the responsible monster, the working freak, the demanding bitch. In the sense of being responsible for other people, for running a house, for having fized and variable expenses every month… We have gone through very very VERY bad times, and survived the rapids… barely… The biggest problem is the matter about trust… Trust was broken, and it is almost impossible to mend it. I have tried, honestly, but no matter how much I try I just cannot forget. And that doesn’t help to mend the other situations… After the BIG FALL, Groundel has tried to straighten up his life, devoting himself to working and studying… He will graduate next year. He’s working his ass off at the warehouse he’s at, hopefully he can get something better when he graduates… I acknowledge that he tries his best, and that so many times it is because of his attitude that things go wrong… He is a natural born pessimist, natural born grumpy anarchist, silent as a rock, stubborn as myself, and with a bad temper that skyrockets whenever anyone looks at him with a serious glance. He takes offense in the slightest joke, he puts himself down all the time, and he thinks he is not enough for me… He loves me, but he doesn’t know how to show it. He’s not about roses or poems or details, or saying I’m beautiful or any of that crap… He’s about getting up early to put fresh bread and fresh milk in my table, and about cleaning the kitty litter and taking out the trash without me asking for it. Love is not something he talks about or shows… He’s about knowing he do, and going on with daily life. And that may be great for some… But not for me. I’m a goddess and I need worship… or I die. I have told him in so many languages… But he still doesn’t get it. And four weeks from our wedding it is scary… He has not get it on 7 years, will he get it now? I honestly think he won’t. He promised so many times to change, but the problem is he is naturally un-friendly, naturally non-detail-oriented, naturally detail-impaired… So what to do about it? I know by now acceptance is no remedy because I get cranky, then mad…

Trilogy makes me mad with his follow-the-crowd attitude… His friends and family hate me. We grew up together, and we allow each other’s thorns to hurt each other’s life. He can hate each other’s guts with the same passion we love each other… The world may fall to pieces, but when we hold each other the world stops and it is all right. Just a hug has such an effect. We are opposites in many things, yet we have some common ground that bonds us… Our fights have been memorable, but our love has been transcending… I just wish that for once he would fight for me… But following his line of though he won’t disrespect Groundel or me. He doesn’t get that I need motivation to act in his favor, I have been after him for more than 10 years, and he has never demonstrated his will to be with me… Now is the time… Now before I say “I do” to someone else… And he still sits and says that it is my call…

A no-win situation. I love Trilogy with all my heart and reason… But if he doesn’t give me a real motive to stop the whole wedding thing, I am going on with it. I wish Trilogy would understand I need more than words. I need action, I need presence, I need to feel it’s true. How? I cannot tell him. But there are many ways, especially for someone as creative as him. If he does nothing, then it is because he didn’t love me at all. I am tired of being the one sacrificing things for my so-called loves. They should show ME how much I’m worth to THEM. Is that so much to expect? Too much to ask for? Ahhh, whatever!

I’ve been told I should just change the date of the wedding… I just think that won’t solve the problem. So I change the date, then what? Same old discussion when the new date arrives… The only sensible thing about changing the date is that I would have the money to do things myself, right now I am still counting on my mother to give me something and I don’t know if she will… So maybe changing for March or April is not such a bad idea. I stop paying my car in Nov, so I can raise the money for the big payments… And nothing else would be lost… The thing is the people coming from the states, that already bought the plane tickets. They cannot change them… So I don’t know… I even thought that I could marry Trilogy in a civil wedding so I can take advantage of my father’s travelling here… but I don’t know… I truly want a catholic ceremony… At least I am certain of that detail… I just have to be certain of my groom!

Did I mention it is a no-win situation? I am upset, tired, sad, cranky, hysterical, bipolar… I feel between the sword and the bottomless abysm. So, do I jump or do I let myself be beheaded? Choices… My never-ending love who has been fickle, or the love of the one who has always been there through good and bad… Passion versus soundness… Heart versus mind… My nature is to go with my heart, but sometimes love just ain’t enough… And sometimes… Love is everything…

10-4

Been everywhere, done many things, solved lots of stuff... I'm beat...

Gave my first invitations in Aguadilla. Just 6, but the people were so happy they put me in a happy mood too. At least 4 out of 6 will definitively get costumes. :D That should be fun. Even if only a few people appear, thats the key factor, which I kinda have been overlooking: This is something about fun. Maybe I'll get in the spirit after all, I just need a great Halloween package as reward... been checking the Universal Halloween Nights and this year it extends to Islands and Universal itself. It looks amazing! I hope I can make it there, and I hope no more hurricanes go that way... kinda creepy and annoying. :)

Won the rings bid! Gotta pay that tonight. Little by little... Gotta finish the last invitations, and gotta mail the invitations to the US people. Hopefully, I'll do that tomorrow morning. :)

10-4

I've got a superEXTRAtoughKALIfragilisticExpialidotius headache. Brain bursting out. Still, done most work that was on hold. Only a few details and everything will be in excellent condition for me to start vacations... That's in 3 weeks, hopefully. :D

Got a date on the post office tomorrow, hope I can get a part time job... need the extra income...

Got a date for the TSA test, hopefully I can pass... That's in October 12... How ironic, huh? It would be a hit to get a job there next year... I would earn more than what I earn now with a 20 hour part time job... Any questions?

Still looking for new horizons. Gotta change this crappy job for something else... Need a new environment, a change on routine, something new and that makes me feel fullfilled... In the good sense of those words, you pervs out there! :P I am determined to get something better by next year. Gotta do so, if I want to start the 2006 with beginning my doctor's degree... Gotta put all financial issues in place, and straighten everything out. Cannot waste time.

When the wedding thinguie is over I'll start the business plan for business #1 in November. Hope to get it put together by December. So I can try giving it a shot on January. We'll see about that...

Lucinda has been busy, have not talked much to her. Coriolis may be mad at me, hope it is not life-threatening. Groundelette has been behaving, and her Fabio seems to be getting miracle shots on his brain... AVO busy and still looking for inteligent life on Earth... Groundel still making me wanna kill him, taking the Living dead theme too seriusly maybe? Ah, lost case. Better to ignore than to spill blood,... Don't feel like thinking too much... The headache is killing ME!!!

At least I ain't as moody as yesterday... I guess that just getting creative is the perfect way to vent things... At least I know I move on in every aspect, hopefully the people around me will follow my footsteps...

10-4

Lovely way to start the day... same routine, same thing... It is so hard to things without my supervision, without asking me to do them? Seems so. In the beginning it was no bother, but everyday the same crap BOTHERS. I am beyond tired... I'm trying to see anything positive, ANYTHING... but I guess my sight is really bad because I can see absolutely nothing. He never has a smile for me, he is always mad about something, his attitude stinks... And his promises are as empty as I feel. What can I believe, from him? Each day he proves even more that we do not belong. I try to see the bright side, but there's none. Requiem for the dead.

To work now...

Anything for you
Though you're not here
Since you said we're through
It seems like years
Time keeps draggin on and on
And forever's been and gone
Still I can't figure what went wrong

I'd still do anything for you
I'll play your game
You hurt me through and through
But you can have your way

I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
And though you'll never see me cryin'
You know inside I feel like dying

And I'd do anything for you
In spite of it all
I've learned so much from you
You made me strong
But don't you ever think that I don't love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And you just have to say goodbye

I hope you find someone to please you
Someone who'll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to

And I'd do anything for you
I'll give you up
If that's what I should do
To make you happy

I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
And though inside I feel like dying
You know you'll never see me crying

Don't you ever think that I don't love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And you just have to say goodbye


-Gloria Estefan, "Anything for you"
Dedicated a long time ago to someone very, very dear to me...

I can hear the heart beating
I can feel the beating fading
I can fade as I hear the call…
Walk as if you were none…

Why is it that skulls crawl from their tomb,
Seek the innocent, feed from their blood
As inner demons ascend in haste
Summoning oblivion and decadence?

Alas! Roam, Beast, into the Darkness
But beware the shining lance that gleams,
The Slayer shall hunt Fiend and Unholy
Patiently it waits for your reckoning.

Come forth, Death, laugh at my face
Feast on the reaps of fruitless harvest
Pick the sour wines of lies and youth
Drink from Mnemousine, call forth Ares

Invoke the Fates and break the loom
Hear the beating, Feel the fading
Hear the call…
Thou shall never cage Nike or Hope

Grim gargoyles watch your sleep
Beware the night, forever awake
I am the Sentinel of Madness born
I am the Messenger of Faith.

Here I am, myself, my own… Breathing fire, sulfur and stones… Punishment going deep within my veins, the magma slowly destroying what is within the reins zenith of my core… Rage, and bitter torment… Memories tossing the sands of time to my face, each fragment going skin deep, crawling towards the bones to feed from their hollow mask. How sad when you walk through the woods and the ever sentient poison ivy ensnares you without a warning, without mercy or pity! The screams can echo through the lands, but the voice is empty, silent, void… Mirages that appear too real, but they are only what they can be… Drops fall one by one, dripping in unison, eerie music for the marching souls that straighten up and go on following the leader's signal… Pyres burn in every dark corner, yet the darkness spreads engulfing it with its invisible breath… And so, here I am… Myself… My own.

* * *

Saturday: Gaming during the afternoon. LadyMex called about seeing Aurea, so I called Lucinda to see if she could go too. We stopped gaming at 8:30, Coriolis decided not to go with us because he has a child aversion syndrome… So we went to SanGerman and met a El Calvo's home. He was either absent, sleeping or hiding behind a curtain wishing for strangers to shoo away… LOL So, we passed by Aurea's. She was not there. So… Nothing else to do, right? Seemed like it. I went home, Lucinda was doing the same. And so we expected LadyMex to do the same… Next day I get a message from LadyMex… That she thought our journey to San Germán was a pointless waste of gasoline, and to call her if I wanted her to be part of things. ??????? Hellooooooooo? It's not like we all went there out of an astral travel or a wish or teleport spell… Lucinda went there in her car, I did the same. Why the complaining? We didn’t have money to go anywhere else or do anything else, and we were TIRED. So, what's the point of going around or crashing at someone's house if there's no will to do anything else? It all brings me to the great conclusion that it is better to pay for things than get them for free. Because I am in no mood for stupid attitudes, especially since I have no time to spare, I am constantly on the go, I'm constantly solving issues, and then this girl pours her frustration/anger/whatever it was on me… Shit! I am not the one that always has an excuse for everything, ESPECIALLY using the children as her biggest excuse. That speech of child abuse almost made me puke. Hellooo? I guess that things were easier in Mexico after all, no rules there! Geee! And so, a lovely evening with my beloved friends came to a conclusion… The quest for the Holy Grail made more sense…

LadyMex: Ok, let's put things in a simple way… so you understand… We went to Pabon's house. He was not there. Then we went to Aurea's house. She was not there. So… Oh! There is nowhere else to go to find what we were looking for. Home we go. I think it is quite simple. I do not have Pabóns phone number. I do not have Aurea's phone number. Each time I have to ask Pabón the simplest question, I travel all the way to his cave to get the answer, sometimes it takes 5 minutes betwee hello-question-goodbye. So, spare me your pitiful and lame attempt to make me feel guilty about something I am used to do. If people are not in their houses, and you have no money to go to the movies or to eat out, you go home. It's the sensible thing to do. So, why you MUST make a big issue out of it? You are not a martyr. The times of Crusades are over. The times of Chivalry are over. Men have visited the moon, wars keep on happening, a big storm hit us, and you complain about your having to spend 2 dollars on gas? Woman, you need a better psyquiatrist, the one that attends you is doing NOTHING for you. And spare me the "children" speech. I'm tired of it. Finally, you are part of the wedding if you want to. There is no obligation, and I know you are not thrilled about it. So big deal. If you wanna help when we need you, fine. If not, fine. I am used to do things alone, and I know I am NOT alone. Your self-pity and low self-esteem are appalling!

Lucinda: You were right. Go ahead, say it… You know u wanna say it… I'll play deaf while you say it, though…

Besides the friendly showdown, Sunday gave birth to the bi-monthly showdown that we always expect… Had a biggie with Groundel, again. Frustrating. Tiresome. Bothered. Angry. Why his brain cannot acknowledge common sense? It is so hard to do what you must… be a bit normal, for heaven's sake? Stop playing games, literally, 24/7? Grow up? What I have to do, put a nuclear bomb up your ass and send you to Saturn to implode there? Shheeeeeeshhh!!!

Anyway… It's Monday. Had to go to Aguadilla because the system was down… when I arrived it was up… Ok, so the system is male and reaaaaally loves me. LOL Whatever…

Me: I keep on being sad, but that is ok, I'm used to it by now. I definitively expect nothing from no one. I make my own little bubble around myself, it is gloomy and has no colors and I'll stay there forever and ever. My mind, my world, my problem. LOL Not thinking while working, not thinking while surfin', not thinking while sleeping… Better to be Vierna Darguth, Witch of the North, Great Shamaness who is old and wise and lives all alone in the highest mountain peaks of the Spine of the World… Sometimes solitude is the best remedy to every evil…

10-4

Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan!

You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Well, last night a Coriolis appeared in Mayaguez. He called up and invite us to dinner. We accepted, although we were already having pizza… better for him, we were cheap to spoil. :) We went to this place that may be ok to many but personally I think it is too expensive. I just view that a dinner should be fulfilling but also affordable… Always looking for bargains and deals… I feel bad that he has to pay for everything, no matter if he can, no matter it is his call, no matter he just do so because he likes us. I feel like a CARE child, always asking him to pay whenever he is around, or whenever I go over to Metro area… He knows I do so because I really cannot pay, but hey… I just feel bad. I am supposed to be a professional that can take care of anything, but in reality all I do is pay, pay, pay and keep on paying. I cannot spoil myself. I have too many obligations, so real life has made me… cheap? LOL In matters of money ONLY. At least now I am ok with the rent and phone bill. By November the car’s last payment will fly away, and so I’ll be able to put the other debts "al día". I must just think: One more year. I know that’s all that’s left on the 2 cards and 2 loans… By Nov next year, I’ll be free of the 4 of them, and then I will be able to do the sensible thing and have a savings account and a vacation account. Just one more year… I must focus on the speed of months passing by. And I must also focus on smiling and take things easy at work. A year can go fast, but can be quite a torment when working in the wrong environment…

Me: I feel between crossroads. I feel deeply sad when I should be bursting with joy. I am contempt and I acknowledge my life is not so bad… I just get discouraged because I have to take decisions 24/7, and I can rely on nobody to do the things that must be done. I am the commander in charge, the guidance, the lighthouse that lits the night so boats do not crash… And I guess tha right now the only thing that really scares me is that no one around me has the same ability or capacity to take charge and make things happen. I am tired of being the thinking head of so many, of pushing people towards what is right even if I must appear to be pushy and bossy… I always put the common good before my own good. I have put others lives before my own life. And I do not complain, I LIKE making a difference even if it is at small scale… If I could I would go big scale, but money moves this world, and one against the world is a tought, tiresome job that taxes one’s will… Baby steps. If I can change one life at least, in my lifetime, for the better, then things are worth the bother. I complain, I must admit that . And it sucks. I have all this plans and projects in my brain… And no one to help me do them. And between the trying to achieve my goals, working, helping people and taking care of my kitties the days pass too quickly to count… I am 31, and I feel I have accomplish nothing in my lifetime. Those around me would dissagree. I finished my Master studies two years ago, I finished my two BA’s six years ago, I have more than 8 years of experience working with computers, giving end user service and training… I paint ever since I was 5 years old in any media… I have been working member of diverse clubs at school: English, Spanish, Missionary Works… I was president of the Science Fiction club at college… I have taken training over in continental USA, and have visited sites at the US for work purposes… I excell in my job, and I excell as a student… I know that. I just know I was meant to do something more. And that is my biggest problem. I am too creative to stale being a technician… By now I should be a supervisor, or work at an Advertising company or in the media… Do theater works, do Scenography, publish books, make true the two business I’ve always wanted to create… I was born to be a leader, to create at any level and to awe the world. I feel I am rotting in my job. So many talents, and the go unnoticed… or the oppossite… people knows, and their envy turns them against me. In reality that sucks too, because whoever looks for me for help, I do help. If anyone asks me anything, I answer. If enyone wants to know how to do something I do, I teach. I am not selfish with my knowledge or talents. Damnit, I decorate and do scenographies for activities for free! Just because I like it and it feels good. I just hate that people believe what I do is an obligation of sorts, and that in all my life I have only been thanked 2 times for my creative arts. Two out of more than thirty… Can you believe I made a scenography for a play, and I was not even invited to the play? I saw the finished work on pictures. That was thoughtless and plainly wrong, and a lesson I won’t forget. That’s why I do things when I feel doing them, because I know waiting for thanks or rewards is just wishful thinking… My art is not so plain, it has details and my personal touches. I do it for me. A pity people don’t get it. And I mean my art in painting, writing, designing, marketing… I have many skills… It is frustrating that I must display them for free because in this friggin island no one appreciates a middle class person with outstanding and unique talents... I was born in the wrong era, in the wrong place, in the wrong family... Or perhaps that is the point after, God's’sense of humor and His ability to make us feel helpless and then WHAM! Something big happens… I just KNOW I was meant to do BIG things… How, when and why… That’s the mistery. I just hope that the belief fuels me to keep going, to stand against the crowd if I must, to fight for those who can’t… I am the Lawful Good Paladin after all… with chaotic impulses… Always Blaze…

I feel sad because I have loved with all I have, and I have never received love at that same level of intensity. Things would be easier if I had a mate that stood by my side having the same line of thoughts and the will to fight anything, and the belief that no matter the odds we will make it. But… Ironically enough that person is not even Trilogy. He knows who he is. And he chose a long time ago to have me as a friend, forever. So… It is sad to know the right person for you, to trust him with everything, to know he trusts you with everything, but to know that although we will always be together we will always be appart. He showed me that having feelings is not a bad thing, as I used to be so… dry and commanding… Now I’m smoochie and commanding! LOL

Whatever… I guess that’s why no matter why, I’m always sad. I know my answers after all.

So, I bent my forever thoughts towards Trilogy. What a mistake… A man that will never come forth to claim me… A man who wastes his youth and energy into nothing… A pity… I could have made a difference in his life, if only he had fought for me. But he didn’t. And so, the maiden was never rescued. And so, she stayed with the Darklord. And died.

So, here I stand, with a Darklord that is always punished by the mists with nightmares that twist reality with shadows… Me being an undead paladin… Ravenloft has ways of having fun, doesn’t it? I cannot say if I will make a difference with him, but I know that either the Land releases him, or I will have to vanquish him. Always the warrior, always the priestess. Always myself.

10-4

No sé lo que he soñado
en la noche pasada;
triste muy triste debió ser el sueño,
pues despierto la angustia me duraba.

Noté al incorporarme
húmeda la almohada,
y por primera vez sentí al notarlo
de un amargo placer henchirse el alma.

Triste cosa es el sueño
que llanto nos arranca,
mas tengo en mi tristeza una alegría...
sé que aún me quedan lágrimas.

-Gustavo A. Bécquer, RIMA LXVIII

Friday. No work today either. Light and water are back. Nothing like A/C on a sunny day. The kitties misbehaving as usual.

Coriolis birthday was yesterday. Hail the Evil Priest of Set!!! :)

Not many events to talk about… Trying to gather money for the rent, at least just 2 more payments for the car and THAT will be over, AMEN!!!

Six weeks until the bells toll for me… Creepy, huh?

10-4