COLLAPSE

2018 comes to an end... This year began with changes, drastic changes that have been very difficult to overcome. This is the year where I lost a very special person that left a big empty space in my life.

Ringing in the new year had its difficulties, as I started a new role in my Disney journey. I just finished training and peak season had started... I barely got to celebrate my 11th wedding anniversary in February... My best friend ended up in the hospital like so many times... like the previous year... but this time there was no comeback. End of February I almost lost my job as I simply could not handle it... any of it... All I had in my head was death. The death of my first born... and now the death of my best friend, counselor and brother.

Dark times of being lost at sea... Days turned into weeks... Weeks turned into months. And here we are... At year's end.

I'm still a mess. I lost the only person to whom I would talk daily, anytime, various times in the day... He could finish every sentence I started... He would cheer for me, advise, be silly, give me courage, anger me, defy me... I could be me, without fear or restraints, and he liked me anyway. A friendship of almost 30 years. Fights, conflict, drama, adventure... but always a loyalty and bond unbreakable, raw, true.

He did as much for me as I did for him. To the end. Crazy respect, even if we were so different it all ended with a sip of coffee and comforting silence. The witch and her demon. Against all.

I still can't bear the thought of erasing his number, even if I know no one will answer... It is so hard being up at 2am and having no one to call to talk just because... Gaming, aliens, Spelljammer, horror, figures, Star Wars, Dee Dee, Kali, work, school... Why I love Repo! Why I love Maulin Rouge and Big Fish... Why it's so eerie that the movie Max and Mary always left me in tears because it was definitively us... and like us, in the end he died.

All the time I wasted in him, he wasted in me. He always made time for me, I was always important. Even when mad he would call and say nothing... but was there. My friend through thick and thin. My friend even when we were a couple and it did not work and I cancelled our wedding. My friend even when everyone advised him to stay away from me, that he had nothing to get from me... as well as I got that same advice ironically from the same people... My friend cheering me on to take a chance in life, being there when I married, being there when Deedee was born, being there when Deedee got sick... being there through the SMA journey, a train that took me far and away and changed life at so many levels... My friend when Deedee died. My friend when we were homeless. Always making me see things were not so bad... that there was always hope. He soothed my spirit.

2018 took the magical cane thast kept me walking straight... made me hit the floor, made me weak... made me despair, made me grieve, made me wish for release and peace...

I don't know how I made it through all these months. The blow to my heart overwhelmed me. Half of my heart was already in Heaven, and that old wound reopened so... Missing my Deedee and now being lost at sea with no compass.

Christmas has been dry... I've tried my best to be festive for Kali, so our little family has memories and keep tradittions alive... but it's hard... Dead inside, how to feel?  I do count my blessings. I have Mark and I have Kali and we are always united against the world...

I'm just sad, hopelessly... endlessly... I thought I still had a friend, but he chose to run away from me... No explanations. Foolishly enough I kept hopes for a phone call that never happens... Even if elves are especially arrogant... But deep inside I know he's done with me. I'm not enough. I don't fit in his life anymore. Why drag a living ghost?

I'm deeply sad for I realize I have no friends. Promises of being there because of endless bonds meant nothing. Raven and Coriolis and my Teacher... How much I love you three... How important you are for me... And how you've pushed me from your lives... I don't understand why. But life goes on without need for reasons... And we all become perfect childhood memories, sucky adult choices.

I wish you all the best. I truly do. And I will always wait for that phone call... You were my choices, my best friends. My promise was forever. You are responsible for what you tame. Through life, always Raven, Coriolis, Groundel, and my Teacher. My top four. My only forever choices. For them, I'm just a ghost.

I'm not complaining... just writing as I have no one to tell... Zordak has listened so many times but there's nothing else to do...

Maria, the only rock standing in PR, quiet but always there when needed. True friend, has gone beyond her godmother duties and we appreciate her dearly. Maria, the only one left for us... back home... The only one who didn't run from truth.

Still, I would not bother her at 2am for nonsense...

How much I miss you, Sti...

FRACTURES

I have been through shadow and storms, yet keeping high hopes on those that must be kept... So much, so little... I was happy just knowing that the few chosen were indeed that... chosen... and I had no doubts at all that my chosen would face anything for me as I would for them. And then came the Times of Trouble. And the Grand Conjunction. And Death Unchained.

What is the Epilogue of the book?

All is about irony, truth, faith, love, courage, honor, loyalty. Sweet dreams are made of these... Through life and unlife four pillars surround the pyre within my core: Raven, Coriolis, Groundel, Zordak. My pillars... from an ancient time of kings and legends, to the melting apocalyptic zenith of walls, intolerance, vanity, selfishness and regression of the modern ages... My pillars rise and faced starless nights, dark suns, dragon raids... Time has not passed in vain. Time has granted creases and weariness and shapelessness to my ancient wonders. Changes have been imminent, changes some for the better, some still big mysteries...

I'll never understand why it is so easy to choose ignoring, carelessly dismissing something that has been an ongoing story of so many years through thick and thin. What did not kill should have made us strong. What constantly worked against us should have melded our souls in an unbreakable bond weaved in higher ground. Watching our backs, sharing all details, both useless and great...

I'm sad that I've placed in such high places these chosen ones, but somehow they failed to see or believe or feel my sincere will for being there no matter what... because that's what friends are for in good times and bad times... And impossible times.

Zordak married the Witch, and all Hell broke. It simply broke. I still don't understand why. I am hopelessly clueless about it. But my sincere ignorance has never been enough for explanations, or for actions that at least allows some Hakuna Matata.

Raven chose silence, silence everlasting. She retreated into shadow just because... I'll never know why... What I did... Of all people I was so transparent and so happy to just help her life be better... Everlasting silence, even with Groundel's death.

Coriolis... The knight of solamnia, the lawfully evil, the seeker of the beyond... I still don't get answers, or thoughts, or lightning bolts. Worst than that, I've become forgotten, not important enough to acknowledge in any way. Rattling swiftly while poised into self awareness... Where was the wrong turn? Why? I did not lie, I made no demands... I lurked in shadows until summoned... I respected so much my equal, my constant challenger. My counselor and diary. And then it was... silence.

Groundel... Perfectly imperfect ugly Groundel, raw and chaotic. And in his chaos his voice never stopped singing the song of endurance, of not giving up, of living for what is important. No matter what, imperfect Groundel always found a way to let me know my worth, to make me smile through trials, to believe in what is beyond the stars. Imperfect Groundel seeked by many taking advantage of him, shunned by others deeming him worthless... yet he was the one with many reasons to retreat in silence yet he chose to be there, always, good and bad. He was raw. He was real. He faced the worst in me And did not retreat. And now he's dead. A different kind of silence... not by choice.

I spent so many years of my youth defending, giving, helping, listening, solving... for those I believed were the special ones that I would keep forever in my life. I went through so many lengths that now, as I look back, makes me feel so sad about me. I did not ask for anything, but I did give all. With so much fire, I sincerely believed that my pillars were my forever family, my pack. I needed nothing else to be happy. How hard is it for me to rip them off my life... yet how easily they ripped me from theirs... How hard is not sending daily/hourly messages yet how easily they let months pass by without saying one word. How I kill myself to keep my promises, and how much disregard they have for my time, my feelings, heck... My life...

The saddest realization is knowing that those you love, admire, believe in, care for, wish for, beyond sanity are exactly the ones that constantly spurn you and who believe their lives are better without little invisible inconsequential me. And Why? The world will never know. I will never know...

I've had 3 big earthquakes that have changed everything. Deedee's death at the top of the list, my best friend Groundels death, and the internalization that I also lost my second best friend this year... his choice as a side casualty of his quest to find his holy grail. He said he would call... 3 months ago. Maybe someday... Not holding my breath...

Wasted years. Wasted time. Wasted belief. Done with this world of lies and deceit, where the honest and true are scorned and stepped all over yet evil triumphs constantly. So done.